I was out with a friend (strictly platonic) this weekend having a marvelous lunch. He’s in a fairly new relationship and I guess he is thinking about taking it to the next level with his lady friend. I was all giddy and he was asking me questions about marriage, divorce and post-divorce. He was quite candid actually.
He said he took issue with the way his lady friend carried on with her ex-fiancé. He found them far too close to be carrying on that way- the intimate calls, wanting to be BFF’s, texts all times of the night, hanging late night, etc. I nodded my head and understood what he meant. If he’s thinking about proposing, then surely that behavior just won’t do. He was genuine and concerned. “What are the RULES for this??” While I assured him that ex’s can be friends without anything more, there have to be some ground rules in place when you are in a NEW relationship.
It took me back to a time when I was married and how the stuff that people did (Well…FRIENDS of my ex husband) used to irk the ever loving shit outta me and tap dance on my last black nerve. So...I’ve devised a list of helpful rules for Single Folks who have Married Friends (esp. those of the opposite sex).
1) DO NOT call that person at odd times of the freaking day or night. For example, my husband’s so-called BFF (who was a chick) decided she wanted to call him at 7:45 in the goddamn morning once. DUDE…the sun isn’t even out. I’m lying right there (I might have happened to be off work or something). How disrespectful? Her response: I didn’t know she’d be home. SHE”D BE HOME (reminds me of Bernie Mack and “him downstairs”) I don’t even call my married girlfriends before the hours of 9 am or after the hours of 7 pm. Please don’t do it.
2) Speak to the lady or man of the house if they answer the phone. This one used to chafe my hide. My ex’s cousin would call and go “Can I speak to _____?” Bitch…do you think I am the MAID or something? I am the woman of the house. You just don’t speak to people when they answer the phone. I guess I was raised with a certain Southern aesthetic for manners that woulda got me popped in the mouth had I not spoken to whoever answered the phone. A simple “Hey Mocha..how you doing?” woulda sufficed. Oddly enough, when male friends called, they were always so sweet and cordial. Irony indeed….
3) Unless it is a life or death situation, don’t text your married friend late at night. I think this is along the same lines of the calling. Cause if we got that family plan phone bill and we see a bunch of texts from the same number/person, we are going to give you the Rock eyebrow and then the People’s elbow!
4) If you have something, extend the invitation to the COUPLE and not just the person you know. We may not be attached at the hip, but we are married. It used to irk me to receive invitations in the mail that were only addressed to my husband OR my husband would tell me “Such and such invited ME to a party..”. Wheretheydothatat?? RUDENESS to the 10th power! (This reminds me of my ex’s cousin..who MET her husband at OUR wedding..and didn’t invite EITHER of us to participate in the wedding..WTF!) Conversely…
5) Do not insert your SINGLE self in married folk’s activities(or their lives). Do you really want to be the third, single and odd wheel? If nothing but couples are going out, and your married friend will be there, why are you going? It looks stalkerish esp. if you know no one but your married friend.
6) If you are a “single friend” who at one point was intimate w/ the married friend, do not be shocked that they will change the nature of your relationship. IT keeps the peace at home. Wives know the two of you fucked. We also know that you all are still friends. And if you want to be all tight like a nun’s pooney that will never do. Just know…you have to keep a respectful distance.
7) Don’t go running to your “married” friend to share your “woe is me. I hate being single. Why can’t I find a nice guy/girl?” lamenting. It’s grating. And their spouse is going to think you don’t have anyone else to call. Find a therapist! My spouse is not here to be your therapist. True...an occasional vent session is fine. But…don’t be a douche. We wives hate that.
8) RESPECT THE EMAIL. This goes for men and women. Why you sending ya boy swingers sites? And mad porn? Why are you sending him pics of you in this “cute little dress’ you got? Why are you such a damn freak of nature?
9) When out in public, if you have to “pull that person away from their spouse/partner” to talk, then save it. If you can’t dispel what you have to say in front of BOTH of us, then you need to save that for a brief email, phone call or text. It looks suspect. Married folks tell each other everything.. Trust me; the partner knows already so just say it. LOL. Ain't no such thing as “privacy” in a marriage.
10) And finally….(cause wrapping it up at 10 seems complete), don’t leave stupid and suspect shit on social networking for the world to see like Facebook walls and Twitter pages. Must you respond to EVERYTHING he writes? How fucking looney do you look? Don’t be all coy and cutesy. A simple “hey wassup how’s the fam? “ or “That isht is funny” or just being in discussion is cool. Check yourself.
**BONUS: Let me also add some advice for MARRIED people with single friends. What goes on in your marriage..STAYS IN HOUSE! SO what..let them spill their guts to you..but it damn sure doesn’t work the other way around. Your sex life, finances, etc, stays between the two of you. That allows for that “so called friend” who may have ulterior motives, to sneak attack. Don’t let the devil in through the backdoor! Stay covered! Furthermore, bring your ass HOME at a decent hour. Nothing wrong with a night out with the boys or girls..but if you are walking through the door at 5 am..aint shit open that time of night but legs……so uhm..I hate to say it..but for a happy home..put yourself on a curfew that the two of you can agree on. PERIOD. If you are out and see a single friend, introduce your WIFE first...period. YOU set some boundaries. YOU set the tone of the relationship. It’s not about asking permission…it’s about
I hope that maybe this time next year, I get a wedding invitation in the mail from my boy… (and if I have a boo addressed properly of course )