October 19, 2016

Running Out Of Words

This blog has been sorely neglected. I feel like with all that is (or isn't) going on.. I just do not have much to say. What can I talk about? Sometimes I sit at the keyboard, blog template open, ready to start typing. Then the baby cries. Or my husband asks me something. Or I start pondering WTF am I doing with my life at 37.....

And then I lose all train of thought.

What can I talk about?

I can talk about being lonely yet not alone. How I do not have a network of friends close to me anymore because I am at a different point in my life :age, marital status, kids.... it's changed everything. My sorority sisters, the ones I am close with, a re busy. My best friends live out of state. It is tough.  Is there a new mommy group that isn't bourgie in Atlanta? That just likes to go out to eat at regular ass spots and walks in the park with strollers? Something like that...

I can talk about how I love my husband but we are disconnected. Just ships passing in the night because of schedules.. because of commitments.. work.. the baby.. Just drained of energy. We went out alone for the first time in MONTHS last week and didn't know how to act. I can't tell you the last time we went to the movies. We haven't held hands or kissed deeply for a long period of times. Pecks in passing. Hugs late at night before bed... just as the baby is finally sleeping. We haven't had any of the "rip the clothes off before we make it upstairs"sex in ages....I feel like I am totally settled into middle age. This could be called "Sexy-less and the Married Belle".

I can talk about my baby. But I don"t wanna be that mom.  That mom who drones on and on about their child and every mundane thing they do. I can talk about her growth and progress. How she's just changing everyday but how I am hard on myself that she isn't where she totally needs to be. How I feel like she may be hindered by not being on target and in a professional daycare with a curriculum or with a full time PT. How my MIL doesn't listen to me sometimes or questions me and it irks my nerves.... but I am still grateful for her. How she is so cute. How i am so protective. Yet how I feel like half the time I do not know what I am doing.

I can talk about how I miss my mother. Sometimes I call out for her at night. Sometimes I still dial her number expecting her to call.  That I realize my MIL can never be my mother.. she'll never do things I would think my mother would do .. not even for my baby.. and I need my mother. There is just no substitute. I need her guidance. I need to ask her how she did this with so much on her plate. I need her recipes. Her smell. Her laugh. Her slender fingers touching my hands.

I can talk about how I've zoned out. How work is mundane. How school is at a standstill because I just honestly have lost the passion for getting my PhD. I have no idea where the topic is going or what to do with it... Im almost 40 and feel like I have no direction in my life. Nothing sparks my interest. Nothing makes me excited or passionate. Not even my blogs or IG I've stared. Nothing. And I am too old to be without direction. Most of all.. I feel like I've made mistakes that are now coming back to haunt me... My ideal job would be a writer: I would write poetry.. novels.. but I can't eat off of that solely. Right now I got a mortgage...and life is passing me by.

I can talk about how spiritually I feel lost. I need a home. Somewhere. Maybe not even a Christian home.. like a church home.. but somewhere....

I can talk about how I feel like  Frumpy Mommy.. Middle aged wreck who just throws on clothes and keeps it moving during the week. I put on makeup in a rush but I don't have time to get extra cute all the time. I don't feel sexy. Or pretty. I just feel like I am existing. I haven't had my hair done in two months.. maybe three and it is in terrible shape. So much so I am ready to just shave it off. My body is this flat, mass of what it used to be. It looks deflated after child birth. I can't explain it....

I can talk about this perpetual feeling of not being satisfied. Of not knowing how to get satisfaction or even where the looming feeling arises from.

I can talk about not feeling like I want to talk at all. Like i'd rather have silence on a daily basis.


Damn. I guess I did have a lot to talk about.


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