December 16, 2013

Pop-Washing Feminism.: Irresponsibility, Sexuality and The "Stans"

*blows the dust off the blog*

Ya know, I said I wasn't going to do this. I wasn't going to utter the single word on my blog about this  lady...but alas........

I am a true audiophile. I LOVE LOVE music. Seriously...and a wide array of artists. There are tons of artists I just do not care for that others enjoy with a fervor that is borderline "religious". Artists such as Alicia Keys. Ke$ha,  Taylor Swift, Rihanna, Madonna ............. There are others that I "mildly" tolerate  because although their antics are borderline unstable..they do have talent such as Lady Gaga, Mariah Carey, Kanye West....

But no other artist brings up more hysterical debates, fervor and foolishness..than Beyonce.

I am no fan of Beyonce. Never have been. Never will be. I didn't like Destiny's Child. I wont be paying my rent money for her tickets. I won't be buying her music as gifts. I maybe have two of her songs strictly as instrumentals for my work out mix.  My musical tastes have always been a tad bit more sophisticated...(with only the occasional dash of "ratchet pop-hop-ness" for dancable moments).  But it is as if as a black woman, you cannot say loudly "I do not care for Beyonce" without being called everything but a child of God....or as most of the hood-rats would say... "a hater".  I have every right to choose with whom I'd like to spend my hard earned monies on. While folks were in an uproar about her latest Itunes efforts, I was like Miss Celie...just waiting to see the colors on the walls. All the whooping..hollering..and crying. I mean I get it..we have our favs....I've cried at a few concerts and while listening to a great song. We all have different taste levels. I am not here for her musically and I find her marginally talented.. Hey...she isn't my cup of tea... Hey. I even joke and call her "BeFunyon", because just like a "Funyon" (those tasty, ghetto snack treats), she is airy, musical "junk food", and lacking little substance other than "fun" for those who enjoy.


..but you can't seem to say that out loud re: Beyonce cause "stans" will work all your black nerves and make it seem like you are "anti-woman empowerment" or "hating" some sh8t. It aint that deep. I try to keep my dislike strictly on a musical level... but this new turn in her adoration is stepping on the necks of black womanist and feminists who have done the work, pounding the pavements, breaking the door on the ivory towers and getting dirty in other ways. Not just the gyration in Louboutins and wild weaves. It's not about being "bootylicious" and what not. That ain't the totality of black feminism



Look..I don't know that lady.She might just be nice as they all say she is. Do think she is good at marketing and business? Sure? Do I think accusations of saying she "faked" a pregnancy (embellished maybe..but faked?? Nah) or saying she's the Illuminati (Look. Let's be real. She's black. a Real "Gs" move in silence) are really lame?? Most def. But what I DO know, that I am really adamant about, is not hailing her some neuvo-poster child for Black Feminist Thought lest Patrica Hill Collins and Beverly Guy Sheftall clutch their pearls.  Gimme a break ya'll......

Feminism is deeper than gyrating your hips or talking about how you give head (So no Nicki Minaj....you are def no feminist). Feminism is greater than making your own money and being a "boss b*tch".  Feminism sure...is SOME of that...but it isn't ALL of that. And now Beyonce is being hailed as the second coming of Audre' Lorde and Nikki Gionvanni....all because in the midst of a Rachetville song...she threw in a very powerful speech by author Chimamanda Adichie from a TedTalk she did last year. And now..Beyonce, in addition to being the Queen of the Beyhive.... is the Queen of Feminism!



Spare me. PLEASE oh Please...spare me!!

I have a real problem with them hailing Beyonce as this "neo-feminist". Yeahhhhhh..... *pause* No. lol I am not here for that. It is the same disdain I have for hailing Lena Dunham a feminist because she shows her flabby pale body for the masses to see. Feminism IS NOT just about the body. IT IS NOT! I've read far too many books, taken far too many classes and been engrossed in too much of the work to even recognize her as such and solely as such.

 I was shocked they (the media) said Beyonce used Adiche.  I was shocked....because hearing her  (Beyonce) speak...Beyonce sounds a bit on the (for lack of a better word) "slow" side. No shade..but the girl does not appear to be eloquent and not very well read. *shrug* Her letter to Michelle Obama proved that for me.  Perhaps someone in her camp brought that to her attention. This also isn't to say the woman isn't a "researcher"........but.......... something in my spirit  about that doesn't sit well with me. It just...doesn't seem authentic.

*insert "Oh you're a hater* by her fanatics*

....well...

Do I believe Black Feminism is all encompassing? ABSOLUTELY. It is the ability to move your body the way you want. Dress the way you want. Express it how you want. It is about how you perform gender and how you do NOT perform gender. but it is NOT just about the body. It is not just about saying how you "suck a mean D8ck" or "get on that ass" or whatever. It also isn't about money. It isn't about how you are so "independent" or how you "buy your own rocks" and the like. That's not black feminism. That's pretty much the summation of Beyonce..Certainly more "I buy my own sh*T" than "We run this town".....therefore that most CERTAINLY isn't black feminism. And before you even go there...... Yes...I love Janet Jackson too (also another artist who is a great performer but weak vocally)..but yes...these same arguments were made about Janet 20 something years ago when she released "The Velvet Rope"...........and I still stand by  what I am saying now..and that too applies to Janet. Loving an artist doesn't mean you won't call them out on their sh*t...whether it be a bad album or some bad theoretical comparisons.

My same sentiments seemed to be echoed (although in a much more aggressive way) by Real Colored Girls in their Article "THE PROBLEM WITH BEYHIVE BOTTOM BITCH FEMINISM" . In it the authors write:

"Insisting on a rank and file consent and approval to these ‘terms of engagement’ is a form of bullying and in the spirit of Audre Lorde we remind you that silencing dissent will not protect you.  We feel strongly that it is our duty and imperative to engage multiple perspectives in the marketplace of ideas, supporting open discourse, lest we find ourselves guilty of policing one another into a dishonest respectability........"Can’t we just love Bey as an amazing corporate artist without selling out the hard won accomplishments of our black feminist and womanist foremothers? Can we not love her for the gorgeous and fierce mega pop star she is without appropriating her for some liberal, power feminist agenda?""

And I totally agree. There is room for MULTIPLE perspectives.  However, let's not just limit it to body performativity and sexual expressions. Especially not for black women.. We've come too far to throw it back like that. If you want to ride for Beyonce as a fan of her music..her business acumen or even the love of her husband, then so be it.... but. Let's not hail this woman for the feminist agenda.


I can't stand it....


So go on and buy $800 tickets and such...pull out all your edges and hail her new video as the second coming of Christ....that's all well and good. Hey...I may do the same whenever Maxwell drops his albums...but let's face facts: I  doubt we'd see Beyonce at a NOW rally with Gloria Steinem or bell hooks...or as a guest with Melissa Harris Perry....anytime soon. Let her live in that world.... and allow her to be "feminist when it's fun and not costly".

*smh*

September 25, 2013

Pans, Bands, and Sammies

So it was floating all around Facebook and social media today..the article from the NY Post about a young black woman, Stephani Smith, a page six reporter for the very own Post that publishes this foolywang article, who declares that she wil make 300 sammiches for her boyfriend to propose to her.



Let's file this under: Girl..you are DTM (as my fiance' would say): DOING THE MOST... *side eye*

 I know women who have done FAR MORE..for FAR LESS...but MochaPeach is not the one.

Now..before I go into a feminist tirade...trust me...I won't be doing that.  My fiance' and I LOVE to cook together. Food is our way we communicate our love to each other.....but honey girlfriend..was doing a lot. I can count the number of sandwiches I've made Beau....and I got a ring.... *shrug* Hell...all that man wanted from me was potato skins......real talk. ANd I made them....

...and here we are.

But I digress. After I read the opening line of the article...talking about "You've been up 15 min..you could have made me a sandwich"..I was SO DISGUSTED. Homegirl was/is going out her way to make some very creative and delicious sammishes..... I was like.."for real?? We making tuna rolls in cocktail dresses now??" Chile boo......

Let me summarize my feelings about this article.



1)  His whole approach irritated the shit outta me. The whole "you've been up 15 min..... make me a sammich" is so damn sexist. Maybe she should have left that out of the article. It wouldn't have made the fiance' anymore likable..but still...



2). But what if she makes all these sandwiches and then she gets to sandwich 299 and he's like "I'm good. I’m doing Paleo now”. PEACE. LOL. What is she going to do???  What if he's all like "Sandwiches are SO last year...I am into soups now. PEACE!" Is she going to make 300 bowls of soup??? I doubt it. 


3) She is delusional. Her man looks NOTHING like Skaarsgaard. If anything, he looks like old' dude from Wiki leaks. And I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder...but she must have a glass eye. 


4) unless she can miraculously make a sandwich that tastes like pussy....there is no magical "formula" to getting engaged. It's not a sandwich. It is not if you can even cook or not (because I know PLENTY 
of no cooking b*tches with rings)...and why be with someone who dangles an "engagement" like a carrot based on sandwiches....

5) She is making some GREAT sandwiches but is limited cause her man has these WIERD ASS food requirements/dislikes (like avocado that is SLICED. but he will eat it mashed...what kinda fu*ck shit!). I'd had to be stifling my creativity. Besides. If you have to make 300 sammiches..how can you get creative with limitations?

6) On the flip side...sista..you gotta do MORE than some sammiches...the man was cooking gourmet meals for you. Can you at least roast a chicken or something? Isn't he going to get tired of sandwiches??? The joke in the "hood" is "Pans will get those BANDS"  (as in wedding bands) and that might be true...but hey.... *shrug*...gotta be more than sandwiches.

7) She must want a book deal or a show or something. I mean...this is highly personal.... and she put it all out there....douchey BF and all.. (OK..dude could be a really nice man....but his approach was asshole-ish) I cant explain any other reason to  make something that's "our thing" private. My fiance' and I have some very private things we do, some that may raise an eyebrow, so I'll be damn if I share them.


I kind of feel bad for her. I am sure she thought this was a "cute little anecdote" and fun experiment (sorta like chick who did Julie/Julia) that might get her a little noteriety..a book deal...a cooking show. I mean..it has folks talking which is great.....it has the feminist wagging their tongues..and women wondering "Should I make that Bahn Mi sammich???" and "What is Bahn mi?" ..and dumb ass dudes saying "Hey women..go make me a sandwich!!" To say she is "124 sandwiches" away from an engagement ring sorta trivializes the entire "bethrothal" process...right down to a ham and cheese! smh Excuse me... a croque monsieur..... (or madame. I made that for my own fiance' for breakfast...that is just a ham/egg/cheese lol)

Cooking is a very personal thing. It should be done with love and care, even if it is just a sandwhich. While Ms. Smith declares that sandwiches are her man's "love language"...if you are doing all of this for a means to an end...then is it really done out of love and reciprocity? And cooking indeed can be seductive and sexy...but it shouldn't be "manipulative". I am surprised she didn't add a little "Suge Avery pee" to his lemonade or a tampon to his marinara sauce......

I would have enjoyed reading a blog about how TERRIBLE a cook she is...and how maybe her and her fiance' cook together, learning from and with each other, and bringing them closer together.  Perhaps she starts with sandwiches and expands to pot roasts..... I dunno.

Which brings me back to my own fiance'....and how we really feel like a team. It's a shared partnership. We cook together...for each other. Give and take......without any "pay off" sometimes. I dont expect one except Beau being happy and appreciative. I didn't get engaged because I could make a mean turkey pesto panini...or I made my highly-requested, drool worthy potato skins.

I think I got engaged because we "cooked" in other ways....we had heat inside the kitchen....and outside of it...

No formula or sandwiches required.

I guess what I am trying to say is...do something out of love.....not out of obligation.


...and leave the sandwiches for "post-coital" refreshments only.


September 19, 2013

Thursday Tunes: Tamar Braxton "The One"

"It's been a long time..I shouldn't have left you..without a dope beat to step to...."

I know! I know! I haven't done a "Thursday Tunes" in forever and a day! But  life gets in the way...


But I got two words for you: Tamar BRaxton!

The younger sister of diva songstress Toni Braxton is holding her own with her release "Love and War". And I am so here for it. So are my gay homies who love Tamar and find her to be so over the top! Like a drag queen without the man parts! LMAO!

But enough of her dramatics..the girl can SING! Period. No denying that...even if you hate her drama her voice is undeniable!

I loved her new album. I ran out and pre-ordered it..... and I INSTANTLY fell in love with the opening track, her second single "The one". She samples Mtume/Biggie's versions of "Juicy"...and it works SO WELL here!

It is a FUN song...and I LOVE IT. The video for it is super cute as a very pregnant Tamar is show frolicking with her "guy" and enjoying life..he is..of course.."The one".

The lyrics are cute and simple too. My Fav Line:

 I reminisced the way we kissed
It felt so personal
You took the chance to get my love and now you know


Maybe because it makes me think of the "beau" and our first kiss...but I just love this song.!! Go in TAMAR and let have, girl!!!



September 17, 2013

No Room for "Space" in Marriage



Me and my fiance' had a bit of a disagreement last week...

No. I wont get into the details of what it was about because that is between us. But I will say I learned a valuable lesson.

(This is a bit of a paraphrase/mash-up of the situation but bear with me...the lesson still stands)

I had my arms folded. My lip poked out (not in a snotty 13 year old kind of way but in a tired, old Grandma frustration kind of way). I walked in the door and didn't say a word to him. Not even hello. I heard him say "Well hello to you too............" and I closed my door. I took off my clothes and got in bed. I figured it was best I just avoid him.....give him some "space" before I blew it up out of proportion.

Later, he climbed in next to me and I was asleep, truly asleep. He leaned over wearily and asked "Are you awake?" I groaned and grumbled, upset my sleep was disturbed and said "I WAS ASLEEP" in my most annoyed voice. He sighed. He tried to talk to me and I didn't say much............He wanted to still cuddle.  I told him I needed some space. And he most vehemently declared..

"Babe...you don't get to have space in a marriage".


I sat there kinda of frozen. Eventually I drifted off to sleep, but his words hit me nonetheless. I wouldn't admit it then...but he was right (Ha...!)

Prior to my fiance', I had been single almost 5 years. 5 years since I shared my space with another person, another man. It had been just me for a while and I was very much used to the concept of that. If I got upset with someone I was dating, I could just stop talking to them., I could get my space and retreat into my thoughts and be done.  And when I married the first time, that ol "I need space" thing used to work. My ex never fought me. Just left me alone..........and occupied his time with something or someone else.

I also realized that the ol "I need space/don't talk/retreat" tactic was something I saw my father do far too many times. It was cold. It was hurtful and it was unnecessary.  We truly do learn all the "crap" from our parents.

I can't do that now. Old habits have to die fast in something new....And I really shouldn't have to.

As I looked around my almost packed apartment, I realized I was transitioning. Size 15 shoes and XL shirts in my closet. A G Shock watch on the dresser. I started to laugh. God was like.."See.....look..you asked for this..so deal, chick!"

Look....it's true..I asked for this. I asked for someone to share this space with me. And here he was...wanting to share. Wanting to talk. and  I just wanted to be alone. It's a 1 bedroom..I cant be alone. And even if I had a mansion.....there is no such thing as "space". I could go away for the weekend. He could go to his "man cave"...regardless..we will have to be in each other's most valuable piece of real estate: our hearts. He's going to be there..24/7. HE is going to be there to argue..fuss..fight..and minister, support and laugh with me. That's his job. That's OUR job as a couple. We need to be in each other's space. It's how you do a "check" on if things are ok.

I realized then that space is just another word for "isolation". No one wants to be isolated in a relationship. It just doesn't work. I said "yes" to spending the rest of my life in his space.....I should allow him in mine, good or bad. He's the dude I want to rock with for the next 50 years or so.... He makes me laugh. I can talk to him about anything without  judgement... Why would I want space from that? He's my natural oxytocin.


There is no such thing as space in a marriage........no place for it.

So I am here for a little "crowding"............. :)

August 16, 2013

Feeling/Not Feeling: The Long Lost Blogger Files

(He sure does like coming home to my "rump roast"!! )

FEELING



  • new job. more money. 
  • blessed.
  • loved. 
  • giddy: there is something about when someone you love just says something that carries you throughout the day. When you think you look like crap, and he goes "Have I told you how beautiful you are today?"
  • like I am dreaming. I swear...I wait for God to snap me out this happiness and dreams fulfilled...not so far *pinches self*....yeah...not dreaming :)
  • Our (now infamous) BitStrip wars. My fiance' and I have no sense. LOL. (above is just one of my favs. A friend gave us an idea to use them as Table Numbers or as a flip book for the wedding. Maybe...not a bad idea though)
  • new friends.
  • It's FOOTBALL pre-season! YEEK!
  • a new home. a new place to call "our own"............
  • the tears in my mother's eyes as she took my face in her little hands  in the Bridal Salon and said "Dear..is this your dress??"
  • sleeping in and doing nothing
  • when he pulls back the sheets..and pats the bed...like "Come to bed, baby...". <3 <3
  • the smell of his aftershave
  • when we dance for no reason......sometimes without music
  • reading new books....
  • Robin Thicke....and THIS song......
  • and this one too..........
  • I need that new John Legend to drop
  • like I got a second chance at life. It's as if the years 2002-2008 got erased..and I got a do-over. How was that even possible?
  • I wanna say blessed and blissful..again....



NOT FEELING

  • like this blog has meaning and purpose. Where do I want to go with this? I'll take some suggetions
  • I mean what do I have to say? I dont wanna turn this into a wedding blog. or married life blog..or whatever. How am I relevant to the blogosphere? *ponders*
  • like i will really be able to enjoy my "newlywed" life...because of everything that is going on
  • having to postpone my exams. It is what it is...life...despite how beautiful...gets in the way
  • like I'll lose that 20 lbs before the big day....I just wanna look tight.
  • like having a wedding..but...it's for my husband-to-be. and I love that joker :)
  • the rain in ATL. Feels like I live in Seattle. This has been a really strange Summer weather wise.
  • like I wanna be a student anymore. but I have to press on
  • spies. apparently someone reads my blog..and likes to report back. *tsk*.
  • gotta get use to random beard hair in the sink. BLEH *LOL*
  • meeting new in-laws. I get so nervous which sometimes prob comes across as stand-offish. It isnt my intention
  • like I've missed out on so much by not blogging..so much I could comment about. *shrug*
  • the obsession over Beyonce cutting her wig. Cmon..get a life. Yet when her sister Solange cut her hair and went nappy....it was "she looks like a boy". Folks can eat a d*ck.
  • like I am connected w/ my blogger homies anymore. Where you guys? I know...
  • like doing another YT video ever again. *shrug* 
  • my hair. i wanna chop it off. But...there is this guy..........and he is so into it.......smh
  • trying to get mailing addresses for people
  • trying to narrow down a damn guest list. ugh. I need to hire a planner. Like for real.
  • wedding expenses
  • nosey coworkers who expect an invitation *smh* How do you handle that?
  • I miss my friends. I miss the ones I was close with...yet we seemed to drift apart.
  • like I have any idea what outfits look good on me. It's a sad day when I feel i can dress my fiance' better than I can dress myself.
  • enthusiastic about having to physically pack boxes if/when that time comes. I hate moving. I hate house hunting. I just hate it all. It's tedious.
  • like I have a spiritual base. I need to find a new church/worship place. *sigh*
  • like I have it all together. SO MUCH TO HANDLE!! *arrghh*.


July 15, 2013

Too Much To Eat, Not Enough Plate

I feel like I am overdosing on blessings.

I'm debating even keeping this blog. I mean...I just do not have the time. Besides...I started the blog to talk about my dating trials and tribulations, which morphed into sex-positive contributions...but...I just don't think my life is about that anymore. I am sure it ministered and was a blessing to some...but right now??? What is it doing for ME is the bigger question? How can it still minister to me and make ME happy?

 My life has done a complete 180 in the past few months. I mean..I am attempting to study for comps. Which isn't going that great to be honest..and I take the exam (supposedly) in October. I am debating pushing it to Spring when it is given next time. I don't have time. They say you never read everything on your exam list. But damn...can I get halfway there???

I work and am getting more duties and responsibilities which makes me just overworked...but joyful about what seems to be progressive change that will be reflected in my purse strings (LOL).

My living space has been invaded by  my lovable, well-meaning,  teddy bear 6'4" of a fiance'....shoes all over the place suits and clothes....facial hair in the sink.....waiting for the toilet....which is forcing us to house hunt. Which has been draining and tiresome....we seem like we are in two places on that front. Some tense moments there........

I have no real time for myself..being stressed out and not eating healthy like I used to or working out like I should has taken a toll....and I am paying for it........all kinds of ways..I just come home and crash. I haven't had  REAL vacation in a year.......and time spent taking off is usually meant to just sleep..or clean........... Shoot..I barely keep my hair done.


And of course...there is wedding planning. I know I slipped that e-ring on this page like it was BOOM...the end...but..I truly didn't want to make a big ol fuss about it. Or talk about how he proposed (because that's a story for family and friends..like..real actual friends...........lol). I don't want to inundate this page with wedding plans and dresses and bows and ribbons and mushy-ness and such...because that is not what this blog is about. Besides..that's some boring sh*t. LOL. And you would get sick of it? I mean...it's like when Carrie married Big ....what was left to enjoy about the thrill of that relationship? Marriage is boring to most..and I just don't want my marriage out for ridicule. Esp given that this is my second marriage...

So what IS this blog about now??? Someone tell me.......... Given that the place where I used to  privately blog, Xanga,is about to shut down, where do I post all that real JUICY stuff? Most certainly NOT here...I can tell you that much.

Part of me is trying to have a modicum of anonymity again. So...I've limited doing the videos and reviews and such........

Again..........what will this blog be about? What is going to be the 2nd chapter of my life post-divorce...as I enter into a brand new relationship and eventual marriage? Do I talk kids and babies? Do I change this into a "mommy blogger" joint? Jeesh...what is there left to even talk about?

I'm spread thin. I feel cramped and crowded and trapped..but all for GOOD reasons. It's all happening at what seems like warp speed..but not really..........

So what do I want to talk about? Love? Life? Marriage? Mommy-hood? Friends? School?

Or maybe nothing at all??

What does a person who has bared their soul have to share anymore???


To Be Continued..........(maybe)

June 18, 2013

The Front Row of Your Life


My mother use to tell me all the time..

"Everyone doesn't deserve a seat in the front-row of your life..."


When I was younger, I took that to mean that everyone doesn't need to be involved in the things that you deem important and noteworthy.

So much of my life has changed since  I started this blog. And perhaps people feel obligated as longtime readers/friends to want to vice their options and concerns about how I conduct myself. Guess what? You have no rights to do so. No matter how much I've revealed on here. Or anywhere else..

People get beyond nosey and just get downright intrusive. Whether it be my sexy life or the status of my relationship, it really isn't of any of your concern.

Case in point, my coworker happened to meet my beau at a work function. The next day, intrusive coworker decided to ask me if we were "on the same level" financially and educationally. This is a woman who doesn't even have a degree but you are asking me this. We barely speak about work things but you want to ask me this? You aren't shit.

The same goes for people who USED to be in your life. Your privileges are revoked. You have no need to contact me about stuff going on in my life or any changes going on with me.

Your life isn't theater or fodder for the masses. Those you invite into your life are  VIPs to the special moments of your life. Everyone doesn't get a ticket to the party. Or the graduation. Or... The wedding. :) You catch my drift....

 It's your life. Protect it with all ferocity. 

May 23, 2013

My Favorite Video: Barack Obama Schools Men on a Classic First Date

Whenever I hear about a girlfriend getting sad about dating problems...or even when I get the blues (for whatever reason..not necessarily dating related...)..I like to watch my favorite video..

It is this one..where President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama (then..he was just a candidate) recall their very first date. And the way he looked at her...my goodness...makes you melt.


 

 First off...the man remembers EVERY detail of the date. How many men remember their first date almost 20 years ago??? Heck..some can't remember the date from the night before! I bet if you asked him what she wore, he could recall that too. Mercy!

Secondly, he was schoolin' dudes on how to do a first date right. That man breaks it down w/o really saying it. I got the following from him:

  1.  A Date does NOT have to be expensive: they went for Ice cream, they saw a movie, they looked at art at a museum at the Art Inst (which is free btw...) then they ended the night with a drink. Simple.
  2. Talking is important: The Obamas talked all night and much of the conversation Mr. Obama still recalls.
  3. Plan and Execute: Mr. Obama took the ENTIRE DAY for Mrs. Obama.He made time. He blocked out his schedule. He didn't text her taumbout "So you wanna fall through?" No ma'am! No sir! That man made TIME for this woman.
  4. Show some personality: Mr. Obama made sure the future Mrs. Obama saw all sides of him. As she points out "he was sensitive, cultural, patient.....". That made Mr. Obama smile from deep within. 
  5. Don't try and be all frisky on the first date: While we all know Mr. Obama is a hunk of a man, he is quick to say he had an incredible kiss with Mrs. Obama and she "tasted like Chocolate".........(they had ice cream, remember?? *swoons*)


See fellas...a great date isn't about how much cash you spend...or how "ballin" or big you do it. Ladies...it isn't about the fancy spot he takes you to. Did he open your car door? Did he wait for you when you got up from the table? Did he listen and smile and engage??? THESE are the markers of a great first date.

A great first date....It is about time, effort and execution. It is about making the other person genuinely feel special, at any cost.  It's about showing the real you out of the gate and allowing a person in your space. That is what a great first date is about....


Period.



May 21, 2013

The Dreaded "S" Word


A sorority sister of mine had some run in with a foo-well from her church. She said some ninny had given her number to a man in her single's group (Violation #1...you don't do that!) and he called her. During the call, the man goes a woman should "Submit to him in relationships, while you are dating/committed relationships and married......"

She promptly  hung up the phone. And I do not blame her.


Submission..... *smh*


Men are quick to quote random bible verses about "submission" and how men should submit to God only..and women to their husbands who ultimately, get their instruction from God.
That type of thinking is dangerous in my opinion. There is a spiritual disconnect going on there.
Submission isn't about ruling over a person....ever.


And besides, it is 2013. Get real. Feminism and social movements happened ages ago to free us from this thinking. Submission isn't bout a dogmatic way of men being "over" women. It's about mutual submission to each other (I do for you..you do for me..WE are a team who are doing the good works of God).Submission to the will and good of the Lord. 


If a woman, who is to glean her spiritual guidance from a man...where is HER own personal relationship with the Lord?? She doesn't need a man as her "spiritual intercessor". She can do that for herself. And God wants to hear from YOU..not you through someone else.


Ninjas got it twisted! Plain and simple. Men and women following some script that obviously doesn't work. It just doesn't...never has.  I see now that single women are quoting patriarchy for the good of women...and that is where the danger takes a whole new level.

I was also reminded of the dangers of patriarchy, submission and religion when I was watching Iyanla Vanzant's "Fix my Life" on the OWN network.  There, she began to work with the gospel group The Pace Sisters...



These women had been wounded and hurt and the hurt began to manifest itself in massive, dangerous weight issues. One sister was molested by an uncle and when she told, they pretty much swept it under the rug. One sister believed she had been sexually assaulted by her brother (although she wasn't sure...it came in flashes). One sister had been told "God wasn't in college" and she wasn't allowed to pursue her dream of an education! AN EDUCATION! Folks wanted to keep her in ignorance in the name of the Lord. Finally, one sister had been ashamed of her same-sex attraction, feeling ostracized by her sisters and community. She was a 45 year old virgin, who had never had any type of physical ANYTHING with ANYONE (although she knew she liked women) all because she had grown up to ONLY serve men...and ONLY serve the Lord. Their father was known as "KING" and they had to call him that........their brother in turn, manifested this same type of "ask no questions, submission" behavior to his sisters. They in turn did the same things with their own husbands.......

I find this type of patriarchy disturbing. NO matter how you try and explain it to me...it'll never work. This sort of blind devotion is what keeps slaves still in bondage. Harriet Tubman said it best: "I could have freed a lot more slaves if they only KNEW they were slaves". And in some ways..submission is enslavement and bondage of women cloaked in religion. Patriarchy in religion, causing sexual suppression and repression and depression, women not having authority over their own lives...is utter sadness and foolishness. This is why the church needs to a self evaluation. Patriarchy has no place within your relationship with God. No place! 


Look here, the only kind of submission I like is sometimes in the bedroom (lol). and even that has it's own patriarchy problems. But at least there...you know it's not "real" if you get my drift. It's fantasy. Like acting out a role. Even then...everyone knows there is an "out"...a safe word..........

The man that God wants you yo be with will see you as an equal , not a dominant partner to rule over the lord and land. He won't rule your house that way. He won't rule YOU that way. He won't do things without consulting you. Hetero-normative patriarchy has no place among women, esp women of color, who come from a more matrilineal and communal ancestry.

Maya Angelou said  later on Super Soul Sunday on OWN "All religions are a path to ALL". Meaning it's just a tool...it's just a path..what is most important is how YOU commune with God. And most certainly, it can be fostered in a relationship based on roles and madness.

"I surrender ALL. I surrender ALL to ALL. God is ALL.........."- Maya Angelou

 It is about EQUALLY submitting to God and God's will for your life. As a married couple..you are both equally doing that..equally being helpmates...equally doing things pleasing in the sight of God. I don't need a man as my spiritual intercessor. We always say "First giving honor to GOD who is the head of my life..." then all of a sudden..that doesn't apply when you get married??? Where did your interpersonal, unadulterated relationship with God go? How does it vanish when you get married and now all of a sudden..you answer to a man who, despite what you think..doesn't know you HALF as well as you know yourself to be the authority over your life. We have some strange ways, the church, and we need to do some self-reflection. It's crippling us as women, as black women, and as a community......

The only entity you need to be surrendering and submitting to is the Most High, who has no gender or pronoun other than "ALL". A relationship most of all..is about mutual respect. I respect you. You respect me. We respect what God has for us.

Perhaps "respect" should replace "submission" in the vocabulary. Maybe then we get get out of the chains that submission want to throw on us.

Just a thought.......


May 18, 2013

The Perks of Being a 30 Something Divorcee'


subtitled : The Last Blog in which I will EVER talk about divorce

I started this blog as a way to heal from my divorce. But guess what....everything has to come to an end. I am so over it. I am over talking about how to heal..what to do...how to date...etc. I've done the work. I've come out shining and like a champ.  Everyone feels like I am the go-to expert on how to bounce back after divorce. While I am flattered...again...it's got to stop. I've moved on. And so should my readers.

Nevertheless....this is a blog post about divorce. *shrug*

As I approach my Mid-30's (Ok let's face it...34 is prob already mid-30s), I realize that most of my "give a damn" gave out a long time ago. I've hit a stride. And while I do have fear and apprehension about a lot of major decisions in life, one thing is clear: Who gives a damn what other people think.

When I got divorced almost 5 years ago, I had this shame and guilt.  I felt like a failure.  Looking back I realize, what I perceived as a failure was truly a blessing in disguise. I've now come to realize there are many perks to being a 30 something Divorcee'

1) No One is putting pressure on you to remarry.

While I may be young and still in my "prime" so to speak, I really have not experienced any pressure to remarry..as in get married RIGHT NOW. I guess my family and friends knew how hard it was to sty sane after this let alone want to marry someone. People are just wanting you to "date" (or as my Auntie puts it "have a nice man-friend") and get out there and not wallow in your own misery. I get that...you want a chick to be social not necessarily see every dude as the next husband. That's very cool....

2) I can do whatever the hell I want w/o asking someone else

Cereal for dinner? Imma do that. Read all day? Imma do it.  If I wanna buy a pair of Louboutin's with my rent money....I can do that. If i wanna go the strip club with my girls... I can do that. I don't have to answer to anyone. This isnt' to say you can't do that single OR married (if you have it  like that....). But being divorced, I no long have the guilt I did for treating myself and putting myself first like I did when I was married. Guilt because I felt there was no reciprocity in doing so. That was a lesson learned.

3) Babies can wait. Despite what the "clock" strikes...

Oh gosh..while the baby bug hit me when I hit 30...I realized "Hey...it's perfectly OK to wait to have some kids". I joke with my friends that I am going to be the flyest 50 year old with a Kindergartner...but that isn't so weird. I mean...Halle Berry is pregnant at 47.  We are living longer and fuller lives. It isn't so strange. And if I do happen to remarry...there absolutely no pressure to make a "honeymoon" baby all because I am 35.

4) Speaking of second marriages....I can marry again HOW I want 

There is no timetable on if or when I get married again...if I marry at all. Furthermore, second marriages have no rules.  The first time I got married...I had the ceremony...the dress...the food..that everyone ELSE wanted...That being said...the way I get to the altar is on my own terms. And when I get there...I can wear what I want. I have a ceremony or no ceremony at all. I can wear a pair of Wonder Woman Chucks and Reem Acra at the same damn time if I want to. I don't need the massive amounts of people there... I can serve everyone Cinnabon with Arnold Palmer's and they'd be damn well pleased. I can elope or run to the courthouse. No one gives a damn  and I don't care if they do. The people who love you will be there for you no matter what. And accept the choices you do or do not make regarding getting married again.

Furthermore, I do not have to be ashamed or feel guilt about getting married for a second time..( Before I felt so guilty about the money my parents spent...the time people took to travel out of state....etc. The fact that I was a "starter wife" whose promises weren't met. I was reminded of my aunts, a few of them, who have been married two, three even 5 times (I kid you not). Some had celebrations. Some had nothing. I've adopted the same spirit and attitude as my late Aunt Madonna who really gave no types of damn about the life she led. She was a free spirit. She loved and laughed and carried on with whomever she wanted. She married 3 times...and I'm pretty sure she didn't regret any of the loves and affairs she had in her life. I want to be her...to live with no regrets.


5) Believe or not...you get a lot of respect (whether they confess it or not)

It takes a lot of balls and nerves to leave something that is "comfortable" and to jump out into the unknown.  And on the side..most times..your married friends in suck-ass marriages...and you single girlfriends with low-down donkeys are giving you a head nod and a hand-clap of praise...whether you want to or not...whether they realize it or not.

As a divorcee', you get a lot of "you are so brave". or "wow..i could never do that".  "You aren't young and dumb or naive". "You're so strong!" "You got out while you were ahead"... In a lot of ways, people admire you. So you can pat yourself on the back. It's not something to praise. It is just an obstacle you overcame. So while they may not wish the bad dating stories, the intermittent loneliness, or the financial hardships of a divorce on anyone, let alone themselves, they do admire that you are willing to take the risk

Nevertheless, other's don't have to respect you.Some people won't and will make that known.  Respect your damn self for taking charge of your life and happiness, knowing you have to be in a miserable situation.

6) My title as "divorcee'" has an expiration date...and that day is NOW.

People think that being a "divorcee" is a lifelong title, even if you remarry or not. Definitely not. Life goes on...

 I think 5 years is quite enough time to say I am "divorced". Even on official paperwork , I simply state that I am either "single" or "partnered" because quite frankly it is no one's business where I am in my life. The perks of being grown and not caring is that I define myself for myself. And right now, I choose not to define myself as a divorcee'. I'm simply a woman who was married some time ago....who is on another path in life.



So , yes, my dear readers. This is the last time I'll be talking about "divorce" or referring to myself as a "divorcee".

I have a life to live. And it's getting good...real good.

April 22, 2013

Dear Porsha: You're Gonna be OK.



I must confess. Real Housewives of Atlanta (RHOA) is my absolute guilty pleasure. I have been watching it faithfully since it premiered years ago. But this season really struck home with me.

And it all has a lot to do with Porsha Stewart (née Williams). A little ditsy but beautiful and likable, Porsha was married to ex football player turned sucking monkey balls sports commentator Kordell Stewart.
(Ugh..what a low, down dirty terd of a dude...smh)

She was a real housewife. Cooked dinners. Dressed like he enjoyed. Took care of him (and her step kid mind you....). She was traditional and ok with that. And wanted to defend and respect her husband to the best of her abilities. Yet when she wanted to step out on her own, have a semblance of a career, the husband and be an all-around person, he was like "pump ya breaks". And was outta here....
She was a drop dead gorgeous bride!

I found Porsha easy to relate to , albeit a tad on the ditsy side. But I think that's part of her charm, the naivety. But after last night's finale of the Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion, I truly gained a whole new respect for her as a person.

So with that said, I felt the need to post a letter to Porsha Williams-Stewart, quite honestly my new fav reality start.

***********
Dear Porsha:

First, I must start this letter by saying today, April 22, would have been my 7th wedding anniversary. When I got married, I was wide-eyed and a tad bit naive, just like you. I wanted it all: husband,. career and a family.. I wanted a partner who respected me, defended me and loved me and loved himself enough to want more for himself and his family. I only got part of that. But when my marriage fell apart, I was devastated and crushed.  I didn't realize it would be a blessing in disguise.


Girlfriend, I want you to see that too.


You are so sweet and just downright honest. You are like a cousin or homegirl we all know and love. Given that you truly ARE my homegirl (from the A and Dekalb Co just like me....) and around my same age, I felt this special connection with you on the show.I think we all did. We KNOW you, ya know?? And know a girl in our circle who is most def like you.  I did not totally agree with what kind of wife you wanted to be: totally submissive, dutiful, obedient,  and really taking the Bible literally.  That's not how I roll ever. BUT, that didn't stop me from really liking you. I realized that you just wanted to be the best wife possible and perhaps that mold fit you best. I couldn't knock you for it. Who knows, given the opportunity, perhaps I'd want to be that way too (if my husband had millions.....lol).

Nevertheless, whatever understanding two adults have is what they have. I wasn't here to knock it or judge it, and neither should the other ladies on the show. They were wrong because in many an instance, they too were just like you in relationships. I didn't think you were a doormat at all, just a girl in love., looking to an older husband for protection, guidance and stability. What's the harm in that? You defended a man whom, even in the midst, cared not to support you.  I, along with other women, could tell you wanted it to work. By any means necessary. That is love....regardless of what others tell you. I've been there. 

You didn't deserve to find out about your divorce on TWITTER of all places, and all while your husband sat quietly in the next room. That's some bullshit and totally out of pocket.. And I am not here for it..and neither is the rest of Female America, whether we agreed with your wifely style or not.  Cowards will never prosper!  And I know underneath the perceived vapidness  is a really charming and smart woman who will get what she wants. Whatever she wants. Realize this is a blessing. You are gorgeous and a woman like you will not stay single long. Girls like you do not. You'll find a man smarter, more handsome, richer (and not just monetarily, richer in spirit), and who wants you to have your own identity while appreciating a touch of the old fashioned. You're going to get it. Trust me, if you believe.

And even if I write this letter and you perhaps choose to go back w/ Kordell (which it doesn't appear that way cause homegirl, you said it last night he is cooking his own breakfast. LOL), I wouldn't judge either. 


(Wow..that ring!)
So sistagirl, I suggest you sell that massive rock, put a down payment on a new condo, beef up your "resume", find some new business ventures (go back to modeling, hosting a show, hell, negotiate for a spin-off....I'd watch it!),   do the "work" (or call Iyanla...lol), heal and be on your merry way. Take a trip! Reconnect with old friends who love you regardless. Because you are going to get ready for a bigger and better blessing. Believe that...... Sister, I've walked in your stilettos and I got the bunions to prove it. But that walk was worth it. I went through hell...countless dates to nowhere...only to end up with a guy who loves me for who I am not what I can do for him, a career I am fairly content with, family who loves me and goals I am working toward. You're gonna get it! 

So stay strong. And most of all stay you! Because someone will love the you that you love....no conditions.


Remember this while your heart is breaking: The most beautiful mosaics are made with broken pieces. Your broken pieces are about to turn into something beautiful

Signed,

The Proud Owner of a Priceless Masterpiece of a Life



ETA: Here are a few videos of a very resilient Porsha! We are all rooting for you :)

Her GMA Interview

On Watch what Happens Live w/ Andy (PS: Vivica is giving me "sympathetic older auntie" realness)

April 5, 2013

Feeling/ Not Feeling: The Slacker Edition

(Madame..wtf is this bedazzled mess????)


Feeling


  • Apologetic. I am so sorry for not at least putting ONE solitary word on this blog in weeks. Truth is. I have been busy.
  • Like like if changing rapidly. What happened? One minute I was eating Nutella out the jar in my drawers on a Friday night...and now there are a pair of size 15 shoes at my front door.
  • He's awesome though :)
  • My mama is in better health
  • Life is good and I can't complain..for the most part.
  • my life is RAPIDLY changing
  • nude, naked makeup
  • flats more than heels these days
  • People who ignore your needs
  • Wigs. I have purchased like 4 wigs lately. I am not abandoning my locs but wigs make for fun. easy transitions.
  • my family. the love and support and prayers. It's for real. I am really family oriented.
  • my wish box is full...for real :) so is my heart.
  • weekend trips to go see my girls. DC is my second home.
  • like i should do a give-away soon....real soon



Not Feeling

  • Kim Kardashian's pregnancy wardrobe. I mean what the ENTIRE fugg?? I mean I am no Kim K fan by a long shot because she makes some POOR life choices..but I would never say she LOOKED bad. But now that she is pregnant and letting a man who wears leather kilts dress her, she looks a mess! Dress for the new body, baby...not the old.
  • Then folks had the NERVE to say I was hating on her and throw a little lightweight shade saying "Well..let's hope you look fly when you're pregnant".  Look here..a mess is a mess. smh
  • the weather is Psycho! Is it spring or winter? Cmon now. The Groundhog lied.
  • Gay bashing and Gay shaming. We cant and shouldnt SHAME folks into coming out the closet! We cant! What kinda bullcrap is that? ANd the fact that black folks (esp women) do it the most irks my soul. Hollering "he's gay anyway" if he breaks up with you is unnecessary. You prob wasn't sh*t in the first place. LOL.
  • I can't wear shorts. My thighs....ugh.
  • Nicki Minaj on Idol is pointless.
  • American Idol is now pointless. lol
  • like i have an office friend. my closest friend in the office lost her battle w/ cancer last month. I am beyond sad.
  • which brings me to being bored w/ workouts. I am about to switch it up w/ boxing though. I am s amped!
  • creative. when is the last time i wrote something creative
  • this Phd process. Some major foolywangness! For realz! I am confuzzled and perplexed.
  • parents getting old. makes me sad
  • weddings. omg. i am just over them. lol. the expense.  the time. the EXPENSE (can I say that again! ). I dont wanna BE in another wedding. Not ever. Not my own. Not a friends. Let me just pay for a gift and KIM....
  • I will NOT be going to see that new Tyler Perry movie. It seems troubling the more I think about it. Eh...I'm good.

March 28, 2013

Knocking on 40's door (Ok I am really 34)

AKA: Thursday Tunes....


Today is my birthday!!
*does a twirl*

This year has been utterly amazing. I am sorry I haven't been blogging as often but real life is calling me in the worst way. I will say I am thankful for family, friends and most of all sanity. I am 34...knocking on 35...and peeking at 40! (LOL)

I never thought almost 5 years post-divorce that I would be here.....in a different place: whole, happy, sane, in love....

I take that back...yes I did. I did because I had faith in God and I knew God doesn't fail people who believe in a better place. God doesn't leave his children to perish...not even during the storm.

My pastor/Uncle said on Palm Sunday the following:

"Your Second Half will be better than your First Half"


Indeed...the second act of my life is getting better and better. Ducks are lining all up in a row for me....and I am blessed and I am grateful. I do not take it lightly at all. I knew my "latter would be greater".  I totally believed it...

I'm heading to DC to be with my girls this Easter/Birthday weekend...but not before I spend that time with my honey and my family....

So I leave you all with a little word from Martha Manuzzi..... :)



February 28, 2013

Thursday Tunes: Faith Evans "Tears of Joy"

I've been a Faith fan since her days back at  Bad Boy. Most know her for her marriage to Biggie.. But I was a fan of Faith in her own right. She was the first lady of Bad Boy that's for sure..

  I was championing her to be Etta James in "Cadillac Records" (cause it made sense! Lol) but we see how that worked out lmao. But I think I played her first albums out to the point where the CD skipped.. "Soon as I get Home" still is on that slow jam CD we all have to make babies (or practice making).

She returned back to the scene last year with a reality show but I wanna forget that. What I do want to remember is the songs produced from that collaborative effort .

"Tears of Joy" took me back to classic Faith Evans. I think I put that on repeat for a minute when it first dropped. The R&B Divas album wasn't commercially successful but this song is just everything :)




February 26, 2013

#Increasein2013: You are Where You Need to Be

I know I've been totally slacking over here. But I do want to commit to the idea of  "Increase in 2013" ..


So with that said.........here is a video blog. Enjoy:)

February 25, 2013

NSFW: The Weekly Porn Review

AKA "Ma'am...you are doing the  ABSOLUTE most........."

I know I haven't done this in a while..but I gotta shout out my good friend Kee who sent me this rachet video from WorldStarHipHop.com of someone's auntie (lol).. Angel of "Angel's Erotic Solutions" .giving fellatio techniques.




Ya know..I aint mad at her. Her tips are great and def promote oral sex w/ safe sex tips... (and she looks old den a mug so I am sure she got some miles on them lips!)

 But the sound effects though. LMAO!! I am crying laughing. and her commanding "Put your D8ck between your legs!" I think my man would look at me like "Have you lost your mind? This is not Rupaul's Drag Race! Aint nobody finna tuck and roll!"  And she is VICIOUS with it yo.....you might scare a dude. LMAO! Then there is a slow motion replay? Then the spit...... See..........folks play too much! I didn't need to see all that off of a rubber dildo.

(Random...I totally forgot that the part around the base of the head is called the "corona"...which makes me view my fav beer in a whole new way............)

This def isn't suitable for work..but lord...watch it on your cell phone at lunch and laugh like I did! I mean hey..it may help someone who is clueless..which is always a great thing. But does it take 20 minutes to teach all of this? Seriously?? A good BJ should take at least 5 to 8 minutes! ...at least..that's what I HEARD...*cough* (Ok so she says that too...but it don't take 20 minutes to teach blow jobs! LOL)


Enjoy :)

February 15, 2013

Feeling/Not Feeling: The Post Valentine's Day Edition


FEELING


  • that I am losing weight
  • that Valentine's Day is now a weekend.
  • At peace. All the chapters  in my life that need to be closed, after this weekend, will officially be closed.
  • Like this moment right now.........is maybe the happiest I've been and it havs VERY little to do w/ a new relationship. More like a renewed faith in myself
  • that my dissertation may come to me with much more eases
  • I  like wearing wigs now.
  • I am lazy with my makeup now. Its now just brows, mascara and sometimes lipstick. I only get jazzed on the weekends.
  • I am the same way w/ my clothes. It's leggings almost every weekend. *sigh*
  • BUT...I do like the ease of wigs.
  • I love my little side of ATL. 
  • I love Pinterest a little too much
  • Same goes for Greek Yogurt. I eat it everyday in some form or fashion.
  • Weight lifting.
  • Counting down to vacation with my beau
  • the ability to freeze your eggs
  • Brazilian Porn
  • The idea of a new stadium here in ATL
  • my new Keurig coffee maker. Best Xmas gift ever
  • like I am well overdue for some new hair color. I think March/April would be ideal..
  • ready to start this Weekend RIGHT NOW!
  • Harlem Shake Videos like this one
  • Alicia Keys/Maxwell "Fire We Make"
  • like some new, professional pics are well overdue...I need some.
  • braver by the minute.








NOT FEELING

  • how the weather is real schizo
  • This blog is not living up to its potential and I can only blame myself.
  • I'm losing weight...but obviously..the scale isn't moving so that is some crap! *smh*
  • That i still feel like I cant eat stuff. ugh tired of my stomach issues.
  • the process of finding a committee is too much about kissing ass than it is someone wanting you to succeed in the process.
  • No one responds back to emails anymore in a timely manner! Pisses me off
  • People wanting to me privy to your life........yet you haven't talked to them in a month of Sundays.
  • and folks you do talk to...violating trust. Not cool.
  • how I still am afraid to just fly......no holds barred.........in some many aspects of my life
  • I hate the idea of packing and moving..........
  • abrupt job transitions
  • people who wanna text you all random and out the blue. Boo..that chapter is closed.
  • Stilettos. Which is bad cause I have a blog about shoes. LOL.
  • I also am over shopping too. (See above)
  • my hair color..again...time to change it. 
  • the idea of cutting my locs off anymore. I will just deal.
  • my lack of closet space.
  • My Falcons didn't go to the Superbowl. Still hurts.
  • LilWayne is an asshat.
  • Football season is over.
  • How Chrissy gonna blast John Legend for not getting married yet? Boo...you are the nut for staying with this man for 7 years.
  • Speaking of weddings...I still don't feel like I should have another. I feel guilty about that. Like it's a waste of cash
  • Male strippers are STILL lame.
  • Kimye (blah)
  • where is the new Maxwell album?
  • None of the summer concert line ups.
  • like doing anything for my birthday..and I do something EVERY year.
  • Beyonce (double blah)
  • If I hear "Girl on Fire" one more time Imma burn my house down, Alicia Keys!
  • my indecisiveness
  • that I am not as "sexually liberated" as I thought I was. Oh well. LOL
  • The fact that I will be 34 is kinda scary. I am close to mid 30s!!!
  • and the fact that I don't have a kid is even sadder.
  • I realize that friends I did have..do have...arent really "friends" at all. Crazy. Cause I am truly no one's "best" friend.......
  • being at work..........cause I am ready to start THIS WEEKEND RIGHT NOW!

February 7, 2013

Ghosts of Relationships Past



I'm in a happy place. My bills are paid. My family is still here (despite ongoing medical issues). And I still have a job. I'm on track to being "ABD" (all but dissertation) by my 35th birthday. And finally, after 4 years of heartbreak, disastrous dates, and just utter foolishness, I have the love of a good man who adores me from top to bottom, inside and out.

Yet the ghost of my past relationship keeps haunting me.

I don't mean that my ex husband is bothering me or keeping me from moving on. Quite the opposite. He's moved on and I have too. We are at a cordial place with each other from time to time (when I feel like being bothered). Basically, he ain't worried about me and I ain't worried about him.

What I'm talking about is the goddamn Internet and all its regrettable abilities to bring up old shit.

When I was married, my ex and I took some sexy, romantic and semi-boudoir shots for a friend of his. It was for her budding portfolio and for us to eventually have some pics outside of wedding ones to put up in the house. It was informal. We didn't sign a release though...  Of course, when our marriage dissolved, that never happened. And I sorta put those pics out my mind...

Which brings me to the past few months...

I'm on Twitter and a friend of mine send a me a link "hey.. Is this you?? It looks like you??" At first I thought t was spam until I opened the full version of her message and staring at me was a pic of me and my ex husband, his head in my lap and us looking loving. The pic has been reposted almost 500 times on Tumblr. I asked the friend to take it down. She gladly obliged. But there was no way I could contact the other 499 people.

Then in a span of 2 weeks I had been contacted at least a dozen times about the same picture. First my god brother like the idiot he is, decides to openly post the pic on my page (from some FB black love page) asking if it was me . I took it down and then contacted the FB page. Then another friend, sees the pic on some random blog! Again, I contact the owner of the blog to take it down and they did. And just yesterday, my friend contacted me about her new FB page on black love and marriage and said "I was gonna post this pic but I was like yo.. Wait., is that???" And sure enough, there was that damn pic. She didn't post it. But I saw it was on Pinterest! Pinterest of all places! Is nowhere sacred??? Funny thing is, this pic isn't even as risque as others...but somehow people loved to repost.

Finally, I sent a pleasant note to the photographer. I expressed I was troubled. I asked her to close the album from Flickr public view at the very least to cut down on traffic and reposting. It is her copyright that's being violated here. Not to mention, my beau wouldn't like it and my ex's old lady wouldn't either. I waited and waited for a reply. I wasn't rude. I chose my words carefully...

She never responded back.

That was the last straw. I finally had to contact m ex husband who, naturally, spoke to his friend more often. He had forgotten that the pics were even up. But said he told her to go ahead and take them down. She said she'd do what she can to take care of that.


Do what she can???

First off, I was pissed that she didn't have the decency to write me back. I know where her loyalty lies but if one party in the photo tells you take it down, then take it down. You don't need the other party's go ahead, especially if you know we've been divorced! You should have made it private to begin with. It shouldn't be about what it can do. You should do it, because it's the right thing to do. Besides, I never gave my consent to use it like this. This does have legal ramifications...

You may ask why I'm in such a tizzy over 6 year old pics. I felt like it was an invasion of my privacy. I felt like it was rehashing crap and opening up a scab that I worked very hard to heal. I remember at the time me and the ex weren't on the best of terms, but for a day, we looked like happy newlywed lovers. Amazing what a picture can do.... As those pics did a bit of a number on my new man's feelings.

Most of all, it broke my new beau's heart. He saw them. His face visibly disturbed. He twisted his mouth and tried to act like it didn't hurt, to say a word in jest, but I knew him all too well. It hurt. At first he laughs and goes.."Guess we can never take pics likt that".....then later on...(In a totally unrelated convo)... He said "it's like he got to have all the good parts of you.Some of the fun parts. Things I want to do (i. e. like take pics like this), you've already done". It wasn't about pics really. It was about the past. One that included a lot of firsts: first dances, first weddings, first homes to buy, first trips to take, first experiences to be had and even first pics to be photographed. My baby isn't naive. He knows I have a past and I'm divorced so naturally, some things come with the territory. But for him, the pics were like he couldn't escape my ex husband's shadow.

I've been adamant in saying I don't want another wedding. I don't want joint accounts. I don't want another house right now. And now, I don't ever want to take pics like this again. Seems like "I don't " comes from my lips a lot more than "I would like". And that's the part that hurts him. The man wants some experiences unique to us. That's understandable.

What he doesn't realize is that we are constantly making new memories. Everything about this is new for me. The pace we are going... The plans that we make... The love that we share.. The jokes and laughs that we experience.. even the food we eat.He has access to my heart and soul in ways that my ex husband couldn't even come close to. I'm older. I'm wiser. I'm stronger. The past made me a better woman for him.

I've got a smile so big right now that it's made for new beginnings. That has to mean something more than some old, empty pictures...

I'm still waiting for these pics to be hidden or deleted. But even if one happens to pop up on Facebook or Twitter.. tumblr or Pinterest... I know that it's a shadow of who I was. My past doesn't define me. Knowing this has mad me soften all the "I don't"'s to "maybe." That's definitely a step above..

The real pictures are just now being taken. God is the ultimate photographer. He's so amazing that he has memories stored up we have yet to realize. Right now is just a snapshot. The real portfolio is unfolding as we speak.. And they are full of first I've yet to experience. I can name one: holding a brown, bright eyed bundle of sweetness in my arms.


Now who wouldn't want to capture that? :)


ETA (2/19): The pics have now been taken down. Well...that's that 

January 28, 2013

Valentine's Day GiveAway: The AdultToyShop
















Contest Rules:

1) Like my Facebook Page  and share the give away post on your wall!
2) On the FB Fan Page under the blog, tell us "How do you spark a little passion within your relationship?


The best and most creative answer will win!

Extra Entries:

1)Subscribe to my YouTube Channel and comment on one of my past blogs
2) Follow my Pinterest page
3) Subscribe to my style blog: Stiletto and the Southern Belle


TheAdultToyShop.com CONTEST ENDS AT 5pm on Friday, February 1.

Good Luck!


ETA: WE HAVE A WINNER! CONGRATS TO SARAH GREY who is our FB friend and follower! WHOOP! Enjoy dear!

January 27, 2013

Guest Blogger Sunday: Embracing a Sexual Dry Spell


** Sex and the Southern Belle is proud to partner with Frances Denzel of TheAdultToyShop.com for a timely guest blog....Valentine's Day is around the corner and well.........everyone isn't getting that loving feeling. We learn that sometimes that can be a good thing... **



Embracing a Sexual Dry Spell

Even the most passionate couple may experience a period in time when sexual desires are low. Intimacy is easily pushed aside, sometimes stress is a main cause or perhaps you simply “don't feel like it”. Some may feel concerned  that sexual disinterest will spill into other aspects of the relationship and lead to general disinterest with their partner.

Don't place a grim outlook on your future however, a sexual dry spell is an opportunity to embrace other aspects of the relationship and build your foundation stronger in other ways such an emotional closeness and a deeper friendship. You can also harness this time to bring a fantastic triumphant return to your sex life in a few months! Below are a few ways to embrace this time and change your train of through from negative to positive:

1.)  Anticipation Builds
Patience is required and only time can create desire. Eventually however the human trait of “you want what you cant have” will come to the surface. An interesting tip is to keep practicing abstinence for a while longer, don't give into your urges just yet. The longer you wait, the more exciting your first sexual encounter will be.

This may be an extreme example, but people who become “born again virgins” or decided to wait until marriage for sexual intercourse experience better intimacy during sex then couples who have sexual intercourse before marriage. Following this premise, even a married couple can benefit from holding off for a while longer. Furthermore, this gives the mind an excellent opportunity to fantasize about the future encounter!

2.)  Offers an Opportunity to Start a New Sex Life.
Perhaps the sex life faded because of repetition. It will happen to even the most seasoned lovers, as humans, we are creatures of habit and easily fall into a routine because that's what's most comfortable. Some people think of new things to try but are timid about suggesting it to their partner, most commonly out of fear of rejection.

If you are on a sex life hiatus, it can be considered pressing the “reset” button so when you finally jump back into bed together, you can suggest the new things you've wanted to try since your ordinary sexual routine is no longer a “routine”. Try a new sexual position you've always wanted to, try having sex outside the bedroom or try sex toys. Check this out, it could be the “first day of the rest of your sex life”! 

3.)  Emotional Connection Deepens.
We can learn a lot from courtship. Couples who engage in this time old Christian tradition  connect on an emotional level first. Many claim this builds an excellent foundation of trust, communication and friendship before sex even comes into play. Critics to this practice say that sexual chemistry cannot be learned, it's the same chemistry as compatibility but couples who have been through courtship phase will tell you otherwise.

If you're interested in what courtship entails to see how it's practices can be applied to your current phase in your relationship, please view the stages of courtship. This example states heavily the reference to religion but you'll see the original concept behind this practice. Why are we mentioning courtship in an article about sex? It's purely to show the stance on how being abstinence can positively affect emotional closeness and growth in your marriage.


"Frances Denzel offers relationship advice for couples helping to deepen emotional connection, proving the benefits of a close intimate bond for the mind body and soul. Frances contributes information for TheAdultToyShop.com and reaches out to fellow Americans looking for inspiration in the bedroom."

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