April 25, 2011

It's HIS Big Day Too..

(image from ClipArt.com

"What about the man?", he said
"Huh?? What about the guy??"  I shrug..slowly chewing my steak.
"What if HE wants a wedding??? What if he wants that experience?", he said as he raised an eyebrow.
"Wow..well I never thought ouf that...". I went silent.
"Yes. What if he wants his family and friends to experience that? It doesn't have to be all big and extravagant. Something small and intimate, even?, he declared.
I was sitting there in shock. Finally I said, "So...Men want weddings?? Hmpf..."
"Yes...if he's never been married.... He wants that "feeling" too. Why are you punishing the next guy for something someone else did? Or turned you off from?", he said it kinda low, taking another bite of his chicken.

I sat dumbfounded across from my guy friend at our nice, intimate dinner. We had been having a conversation about marriage, brought on mostly by our 20 year old waitress who was newly engaged. But there were vast differences between me and my friend.  I am 32, divorced. He is 37, never been married, and may have come close once. Even though we are relatively in the same age group, we are worlds apart.

I looked at his face after he said it. Kind and sincere, I smiled. I had a revelation that instant. Some men actually care about the wedding....and it's not about the details. It's about the "feeling".

I remembered when I was planning my wedding, all the cash and drama. Families wanting to out do each other in the "spending" department. My ex husband, only caring about few details and if his boys could be drunk enough.. Although I didn't go into debt over my wedding, I felt it was all too much. I felt like after the divorce, those thousands of dollars that I spent could have been saved up for other things. I think the divorce created the biggest reget....I would noteven considering another wedding. I declared right then and there on the courthouse steps post-Divorce that I'd NEVER shell out cash for another wedding...another dress...not a damn thing. It's justice of the peace or a destination wedding or pastor's study...nothing else. Who has time for that crap?

"It's not fair to the next man..Why are you punishing him for something someone else did?". When he said that, I sat up straight and I'm sure a puzzled look appeared on my face. I didn't think to consider the guy's feelings. I mean, what man cares about weddings and frills and details? But it wasn't about that. It's about the feeling. It's about seeing your bride walk down the aisle and crying., knowing that she's yours to have and to hold (forever...in the best possible scenario). I forgot that a man may also have a family who wants to see him happy. They want to see him marry the love of his life. Not to mention, they want to see what kind of "stock" this girl entering their family comes from. More than anything, they want to rejoice in someone's happiness. And a man has a right to feel that too.

We all think of little girls who imagine their wedding day...the dress..the decor..everything. Well..what about the guy?  They think about how the bride will look....first dances....going under and getting the garter. That doesn't make him "weird" or "soft" if he daydreams. That makes me him sorta romantic. That makes a guy human...to know he has feelings. One of my girlfriend's husband was so into the wedding..and wedding planning...she called him a co-bride. (lol). Now that may be taking it a bit far...but that goes to show that men do care about the little things.

"You know..you are right. I didn't think about it like that. Thanks for bringing a new perspective to that. Maybe if that day comes again, I'll consider it..."

He smiled, and said politely "You're welcome."

...and we finished dinner, learning more about each other in the end.

April 16, 2011

"We Ain't Goin' Steady"..(Oh really??)

*sigh*...ya know...this song pretty much epitomizes what the fuck is wrong with OUR (and I include myself) generation of people..

First off..he opens the song with...."I love pussy...but I don't love these women. I refuse to be in a committed relationship...because I don't like that shit"

*sigh*.  I guess he's honest.  *shrug*. Given that Rocko is a b-rated artist who had not one, but 2 kids by Monica without marrying her..(and praise GOD for her having good sense to move on and GET MARRIED to a man who'd take her and her kids...instead of calling some fake, weak ass chump her "husband".), it doesn't surprise me that he'd make a song like this. If I was a betting woman, I'd bet that this was "Monica-inspired". I'm sure he said "Girl..I know we got 2 kids, live together, and all dat sh*t...but we don't go together. We ain't committed.".. Da hayle???

Then this terd....(in the song)... He said he just wants a "fun girl", his "little buddy",  to "cool it with" and hopes she doesn't "catch feelings" because they aren't "going together"  (as in not a committed couple).

Ugh...how disgusting. I mean after a while someone, male or female, is going to "catch feelings". You can't keep doing grown folks things without having grown folks emotions. Secondly, how can you separate a woman's anatomy (the pussy) from who she is (a woman). His male privilege has allowed him to compartmentalize women into things, parts, and temporary possessions. That's the cruelest thing of all. Once again. black women are just the sum of the vagina and its ability to make a dude bust a nut.

"Is this modern dating?", I vehemently ask. Is this what we have to look forward to? What about our future generations of young people? I'd hate for my son or daughter to be hurt by someone who they gave their mind, body and soul to...only for them to say "Well..shit..we ain't together...". Wow..talk about a slap in the face.

Now true...rules need to be established. If you want to be a cut buddy, so be it. But don't just fall into the role of "cut buddy" in the hopes that it'll turn into a relationship. And really...do you want to be an on-call booty call? Trust me, that shit gets so old. Everyone has a desire to be committed and with a person..even the dog...even the whore of Babylon.

Black folks are remaining unmarried and unpartnered at an alarming rate. Many black women are single moms. Many black men are nothing more than breeders. Many people find no reason to partner with someone if they haven't seen the benefits of it. You have our generation, the Hip-Hop Generation X'ers, out here wilding out....what sort of example are we setting? A bad one if you ask me. I even felt bad getting divorced as a thought crossed my mind: "Gosh..I have little cousins..what kind of example am I setting for them when they see a person of their peer group throwing in the towel?". Luckily for them (and me), they don't see a person with a revolving door of partners. And that, apart from my short comings in my first marriage, makes me very happy.

Instead of making songs like this, why can't we have more songs glorifying love and commitment..instead of the casual romp and sexual tryst?

*sigh*...I guess we can't make a song about that...if we don't see it. I just hope more young people aren't falling for the traps that Rocko (and folks like him) are glorifying: the death of the interpersonal relationship and self-gratification.

There is a benefit and beauty in a marriage...in a committed relationship that can head to something...to actively dating and getting to know a person.

So "go steady"....and get your heart ready to receive something magical. Let's hope this movement of "rejecting relationships" ends soon....

April 13, 2011

I'm Not CUTE!!

NOTE: This was supposed to be a video blog. But after I actually recorded it...I realized it got way too personal than I wanted it to be. SO…settle for the written word.
First off, let me say this isn’t a personal attack on anyone. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way…
I am a grown woman. I’ve been grown since I got my period; I was 13 or maybe 14, moved from a training bra to a size C cup in one single summer. Therefore, nothing makes me more irked and irritated than when someone (esp. a MAN) calls me “cute”.  I haven’t been cute in a VERY long time.
Cute is for babies and puppies.
(aww..isn't that cute!!!!..............*crickets* )

I’m sure folks mean well. I think, as a friend pointed out, most guys are trying to be respectful out of the gate. If they hit you with the “sexy” off the jump...then of course the focus is on sex.... Therefore, if he wants more, he’ll use more respectful words. Being respectful…That’s all fine and well. But if you are man that is trying to get to know me (and we’ve progressed wayyyy past the “getting to know you phase” to the “we getting butt naked phase”), “cute” definitely doesn’t need to come out of your mouth. I’m grown. Therefore I am any of these words: beautiful, gorgeous, attractive, fine. And eventually, once things progress (not right off the bat), I am sex, hot, and damn near irresistible. PERIOD. There is no damn CUTE up in there nowhere! And once we cross the threshold of “getting to know each other” into “this might be a relationship”, then I better NOT be hearing that I’m “CUTE” or a “CUTIE” or even worse...”ADORABLE”.
ADORABLE?? Are you fucking your kid sister?? I don’t think so. Nothing makes me feel LESS sexy and unwilling to do all the freaking isht you like…than calling me CUTE or adorable.  Talk about a mood killer.
On a serious note, it just makes me think that things are not as they seem. When I hear that I’m
“cute”, what I REALLY hear is: “You aiight”. Or “You’ll make due” or “You aren’t really my type but I’ll take you for now till the next hot thing comes along”. It doesn’t make me feel l attractive. It doesn’t make me feel sexy. If anything, it makes me feel like a placeholder.  Why on earth are you with me? I wouldn’t be with someone who is just “OK” to me.  And don’t say it’s my sparkling personality. Fuck that…the physical attraction has to be there. It’s like that plus sized girl who constantly gets told “You have such a cute face”. So what about the REST of me???
I read somewhere once that guys who call girls cute really view them as “Well...she’s a girl I’ll date...go out with...have fun…maybe even sleep with…but she’s not meeting my parents...she’s not giving me “butterflies”, she isn’t HOT or drop-dead gorgeous trophy or arm piece I’d brag about to my friends”. (And every guy wants that kind of woman…) In other words, she’s “aiight”. Well…I don’t want to be “aiight” to some dude. I have such high self esteem in recognizing that I am one hot, gorgeous fine full-bodied woman that you TOO need to recognize that as well.
Now I will admit, I’ve always had a problem in general with taking compliments well. But “cute” is one that irks the shit out of me and I just can’t and won’t take well to at all. I am not trying to be a bitch. I’m not trying to be unreasonable. But I’m an adult. And I’d just appreciate an adult compliment.
Leave the “cute” and “adorable” somewhere else…………like a nursery J

April 11, 2011

Poem: The Photograph

I can't sleep
I toss and turn
Lie awake in my bed
I reach for my phone
Looking through the photographs
I come across the one I took of you
The mischievous one
Where you did that thing with your hands..
Late night
Your hands
Which had earlier caressed the depths of me
And penetrated my layers until I was a soft, tender heat
Were now placed strategically near the top of your jeans
Exposing just a little of that well carved "v" in your hips..
Caramel Adonis glowing
I knew the moment I took it
What seemed like a silly photograph then...
I was gone
Smitten by your charms.
You at that moment possessed me
Beguiling and devilish 
With a grin
I smirked and thought 
"You sexy bastard.. You knew all along what you're doing..."
I lie here now
Staring at this photograph
Seduced at a snapshot
Taken as spontaneously as you had taken my depths
With a click
And a flash
Instant memory
Of beauty divine
That I have the pleasure of having
Until time or love or hearts say otherwise
But til then...
I cherish this photograph


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