March 31, 2011

I Had to Miserably Fail at Love

... to love someone better.

I was listening to the new Marsha Ambrosious and her remake of L. Boogie's "Lose Myself" is about as poetic a song as ever and spoke so much to me.

**Disclaimer: I'm not in love. Not by a LONG shot**

But I took the lyrics to mean so much more than actually "losing yourself in love", falling in love and being hurt to actually love someone better. I took it to mean that I had to be an ABSOLUTE FAILURE in love to love someone better. I mean, what greater failure of love is a DIVORCE. I can't imagine that kind of pain happening to me again. I am relatively young woman. To be divorced twice, I can't even and don't want to imagine.

As I enter a new phase in my dating/relationship life (and another year of life, God willing), I know that the pain of my divorce has made me a better lover in the emotional sense. If you release it [pain], you can receive it [love].  There is a beauty in that. I'm grateful for having gone through the fire and came out fashioned better. Not harder. Not bitter. Not colder.

And perhaps someone will reap the benefits of this struggle.

My friends say they "admire my strength". I feel it's nothing to admire. It is just a woman doing what she had to do given the circumstances of life. I'm not martyr. I am not poster child for how divorce can be life-transforming. I'm just living the best way I know how.

Now in addition to living, I'm opening myself at the possibilities of loving (or at least caring).

And a WIN indeed :)

March 30, 2011

Sex in College: The Dirty Truth’s Ten Commandments

   **Part 2 of our guest blogger series "Sex in College" by Christine Vega. I hope you enjoyed her first post**

Sex surrounds us! This is part two of my “Sex in College” series. I honestly don’t know how many of these I’ll write. Chances are, I am going to write to avoid three VERY bad dates. I know what you’re thinking: “How did you score three dates on a Saturday night, girl? What’s your secret?” Here’s the catch, their names are Government, French, and Spanish. Yep, it’s gonna be a long, hot, steamy, sexy night. Trust me.
As a gold-medal procrastinator, I decided to delve into something more fun: sex. My trusty Google search turned up a bit more pornography than I wanted (I’m not a porn person). However, I found a few newsworthy pieces online that gave me some new insight besides what my friends and I have experienced. Sex is a realm that can be scary and these are my parting words of wisdom from both research and experience:

1.     Be a playful tease, even somewhat raunchy- not a massive whore.
2.     Play with his mind- the last date, if you want to call it that, I scored by informing the guy that I like that he forgot something. This went on for a good hour until I got what I wanted- some men are novices in college. Be patient and you may be surprised.
3.     Give nerds a shot- really! They are usually the ones who will be the sweetest and the most respectful.
4.     Be blunt, yet mysterious. Speak your mind but not too much.
5.     Play somewhat hard to get. Treat him like a cat- waive the “toy” in his face then, pull it away. Eventually, let him get it.
6.     Sex is not to be fear, nor abuse. Find a happy medium.
7.     Use a condom. I would also suggest lube, but, at least a condom.
8.     Get tested and don’t be embarrassed to obtain emergency contraception. Educate yourself- there are responsibilities when it comes to sex.
9.     Love someone without necessarily being their girlfriend. Unless you are engaged, there’s no need to become exclusive.
10.  Take care of yourself first, then him. Be nice, but not too nice.
12.  Be direct, but not a bitch.
13.  It’s sex, not rocket science.
14.  A compliment can go a long way.
15.  Their attention span isn’t long- don’t expect much.
16.  A hook up isn’t going to lead to a relationship. However, it can: my most meaningful relationship to date stemmed from one.
17.  Don’t obsess- it will only bite you in the ass.
18.  Have a positive attitude.
19.  Spend the time to get to know someone, instead of money wooing them. Although a bouquet of roses goes a long way in my book, there is such a thing as overkill.
20.  A passionate lifestyle often carries over into bed. If you aren’t a passionate person about life, sex will become a technical game of routines. Personally, I know few people who enjoy these technical, methodic games of routines.  

March 29, 2011

Sex in College: The Dirty Truth From a College Vixen

** Sex and the Southern Belle has a guest blogger. A young, collegiate blogger by the name of Christine Vega who will be giving her insights on Sex and the Collegiate girl. SHe's a lifestyle blogger and an overall great, smart and talented young lady. She'll be blogging in two parts...hope you all enjoy!**

While teens “sext”, college students…screw. Yes, I said it: we like sex. “Making whoopee”, fucking, “making love”, banging, smushing- you name it, there’s a strong chance that we have done it. This is the article that will make parents cringe and spark a debate in the college world. However, I know you all have questions, so, I’m going to feel free to answer them to the best of my ability.
So, who am I to inform you about this? Well, my name’s Christine Vega and I’m a college student in the Atlanta area. No, I will not say where due to privacy reasons, so, don’t ask. I’m nineteen years old and the men I have slept with men in the single digits (translation: less than ten). I don’t sleep around and have rarely had casual sex. In all honesty, neither time was very enjoyable. I’m not going to go into great deal about my sex life, however, here is what I will share:
1.     I do have hormones. While my sex drive has gone down a lot due to recent, prescribed antidepressant use, it’s still there. I may be a female, but, I am also a human who enjoys the natural human ritual known as sex when in a relationship.
2.     I am “clean” and get tested regularly. Safe sex is the best sex, not to mention the only sex I will have.
3.     I view sex as an avenue for couples to release emotion and bond in a particular way.
4.     While the average for most of my friends is about sixteen years old, I waited until I was eighteen years old and a freshman in college. Some of my friends have had sex as young as twelve or thirteen years old and others are in their twenties and still virgins. In fact, I’ve had friends who have yet to be kissed or have a significant other.
5.     To be blunt, I have experienced a sexual encounter with someone of the same sex. College is a time where many of us have, and probably will, done the same thing. In general, college students experiment and, hopefully, learn.
6.     I write a lifestyle blog, Simply Men and Women, that is mostly about dating and relationship-related articles, as well as for Technorati.
7.     Yes, I’m sure an admissions counselor from one of the three schools I’m applying to is going to read this, or my mother. Enjoy, guys! This is educational- time to get to know your co-eds!
8.     I’m not sure that I believe we all have soul mates, but, I hope so. I joke that my dating experiences will either turn me into a lesbian or “cat lady”, but, I really do hope I can settle down one day.
Now, dates do still exist- they are just less defined. According to studies, about sixty percent of college students have a “friend with benefits”. Personally, I don’t like this. While I personally feel that this would harm a friendship and have not had luck in this field, a lot of people that I know do it. Many people enjoy sex without commitment as pure recreation. Call me old fashioned, but, I've been hurt and don't like complicated relationships very much. In all honesty, I am at the point in my life where I would rather date around and enjoy companionship. Then, if sex comes later, that’s fine too.
Sex is not always wonderful, nor is it like it is in the movies. I know, female hearts are breaking everywhere. However, it can still be just as awesome and mind-blowing. Trust me. The rumors are also true: losing your virginity hurts a lot mentally and physically, especially if/when you guys break up.  
In relationships, women have to be careful about “making things official”. Women and men alike want to know that we have someone if we do. So, what’s the problem? Most of us would prefer it to be on Facebook too. Personally, I don’t enjoy being hidden nor do I enjoy being rushed. There is a very delicate balance that you have to respect. Being labeled as a “nag” is almost as bad as being called a “slut”.
It is my belief that, despite what society says, I can enjoy sex without shame. To be honest, I’m in the best shape of my life and, when you earn something, you should show it off. So, if that means I am more likely to have an offer to have sex than a classmate- fine! About ninety-five percent of the time, I actually turn them down. Jealousy is prevalent, especially amongst women. To be honest, it’s sad and it flatteringly hurts me to the nth degree. Many women my age will probably say the same.

March 28, 2011

Swingin' into 32....

Happy Birthday to Me!! 
(I dunno if I have a future as a pole dancer...but hey....It was fun practice!!)

March 23, 2011

The Return of The Tingles

You know, dear readers of Sex and the Southern Belle, I (and I do mean hardly ever) hardly talk about my personal life anymore. Usually I am dishing out advice, random thoughts, give-aways, and even the occasional poem. But this time, I just couldn’t contain myself.
This blog has been my cathartic healing out of a barren situation. I’ve chronicled the highs and lows of being a divorced, African-American woman in a city where women outnumber men 12:1.  Where the Magic City dancer and bootleg model and music producer reign supreme. I’ve had some great experiences. I have a LOT of terrible experiences. I’ve experimented with everything from meeting guys organically, to speed dating, to the wonderful world of on-line dating.  I’ve gone on countless dates to the point where it is exhausting and like a full-time second job. I had given up, settling on focusing on my PhD studies, my working out, and shopping (lol)...

That is…until…
I wasn’t looking for it. To be quite honest, I had rejected any notions of him. Of those creatures with XY chromosomes in general. But then….
He kissed my hand…
I don’t recall the last time a guy actually sat and listened to what I had to say, was generally interested in my academic pursuits, and I didn’t mind listening to someone a bit more talkative than I was. As I talked...he held my hand. And then, he kissed it. I was shocked…like “Do men still do that??”  And I thought back…the last guy who kissed my hand I was married to…and he’d kiss my hand all of the time. I felt warm inside….that is until…
He held my hand…
It may seem insignificant to most. But hand-holding is a lost art. I’m only 5’4” to have my hand held by a man way taller than me made me feel wanted...made me feel safe...and he INSISTED. Everywhere we went...he held my hand on our stroll...”You don’t mind do you?” He asked. I calmly said no….but inside I was all warm…and soft…and felt like a “woman” again. I thought it couldn’t get any better…well…until...
He held me….
In a cold diner, we talked and shared a dessert. He laughed. I laughed.  He asked that I sit next to him in the booth to show me some videos of his little nephews dancing. I’m the middle of the video, as I threw my head back laughing; he wrapped his arms around me...and pulled my close with big, warm hands. I froze. He asked was I OK with PDA and I said “Oh I’m fine…” He smiled and said “Good”. That, I thought was enough for me…until…
He kissed me.
Our day was ending. I was standing in front of him, on tippy toes. He smiled, I melted. He took one hand, lifted my chin so that my eyes met his, bent down and kissed me. Enveloped me. Hands on face...hands around my waist…his hands catching a handful of cocoa colored locs. There may have been words but I don’t remember what he said. He may have asked "Are you nervous?" I don't recall.  I was left breathless. Then it happened… I felt it...
Stomach in knots
Stomach doing flips
Jaw started to go limp
Hands started to sweat
Heart started to race
Tongue feeling numb
And the tingles returned.

I missed the tingles. The last time I had those tingles it was my first kiss with my ex. I’m glad they are back. It can only get better from here. *wink*

March 18, 2011

Feeling/Not Feeling

·          Joe’s Jeans. They make me look like I got a badunk (and that’s a miracle)
·         Slightly nerdy dudes (let me stress the SLIGHTLY part)
·         Warm, inviting smiles
·         Keeping relationships OFF of social networks. I can’t stand when folks have to broadcast it all. Goodness gracious.
·         MAC Wonder Woman collection (that’s what I’ve been rocking for 2 months)
·         Turning 32 in 10 days
·         Lingerie I actually look good in.
·         Super cold Welch’s grape juice
·         My first pole dancing class my birthday weekend! WHOOP!!  My alias Teela Belleau will be in the house!! Heyyyy! (Ok...not really)
·         How sexy little things are…and how folks don’t realize they do it
·         My desire to go t as many concerts as possible this summer.  It started with Kem/Ledisi last week. Up next: Bruno Mars/Janelle Monae, Then…Melanie Fiona/Marsha Ambrosius...and wrapping up my summer with Sade/John Legend at Phillips Arena
·         Speaking of which...that new Marsha Ambrosius. MY GOD! That album is sexy on fiyah!
·         Wedding Season has just begun
·         I think I’m going to get back into wearing Royal Blue again. My closet is full of grays, blacks and reds. So sad. And some yellow here and there.
·         Spring means allergy season! *sigh*
·         I never had a honeymoon. *shrug*
·         People confusing being “nice” for interest. I don’t want you. Trust me. So let it go.
·         Turning 32 in 10 Days (I feel so unaccomplished at this stage in my life)
·         Working out (although I am getting results)
·         Seems as though I’m on a blog dry spell. (Not really...I got school and life and stuff)
·         Spontaneous date plans. Nah Patna...I need a concrete plan. I got to plan an outfit and errythang.
·         Losing my original purchase of MAC Wonder Woman and having to BUY the whole thing all over again.
·         Muffin-tops. *sigh*
·         Spilling said grape juice on a white shirt
·         My pinky toe hurting in almost every pair of shoes I own. What gives!!
·         All this vacation time I have YET to use. Plus a credit from Airtran I am scheduled to lose if I don’t use it soon L
·         Uhm…I need a date to these concerts. (LOL)
·         Finally coming to terms that I MUST buy petite designer jeans. I am not 5’8”…(lol)

March 17, 2011

The Foot Connoisseur

What is it about FEET that turns men on? I just don't get it.

Ever since I was a little girl and saw Eddie Murphy go nuts over womens' feet in Boomerang, I still didn't understand the fascination. It's just FEET. I dont think feet are meant to be pretty. I mean, they work hard for you every single day!  I never dated a guy so into feet...well....not until I got divorced. Now it seems like errywhere I turn, some bama is into feet! What gives, America??

I mean, it seems as though EVERY guy I meet is into a woman with "pretty toes and feet". WTF son! I can understand if you dont want a sista to have ashy heels looking like she is from a third world country. And of course, when summer comes, your pedicure should be just right.  Not to mention, feet are essential for my shoe obsession (lol). BUT..still..what TURNS MEN ON about feet, the most un-sexy part of anyone's body?

I've heard it all. I'd had men ask to suck them. Touch them. Rub them. Feel them. Lotion them. Send pictures of them Some brothers even like for you to rub their janks with your feet!! *shudders*  It is just TOO weird to me. Finally, I had to ask a guy friend to break it down to me as to WHY men love feet so damn much:

There is just something about a woman's foot, so delicate, so feminine.  The curve of the arch. The softness of the heel. The evenness of toes. When a woman gets a pedicure, how symmetrical her polish is. It truly is an errogenous zone. I want to caress them. I want to rub them. Feel them.  Kiss them. I know when I do, especially when she's tired, it gives her just as much pleasure as if I was giving her head for hours on end. Pretty toes. French pedicures. Suckable toes. And then in some sexy open-toe stillettos? Feet are gorgeous. And if a woman takes care of her feet, then she truly takes care of the rest of herself.

Well damn....

I'm sure dating a man with a foot fetish also has it's drawbacks. I mean, getting a pedi every damn week is expensive! My lord..and you gotta worry if your heels are crusty. And don't let it be cold..he'll still refuse to want to see you chillin in the house with those comfy toe socks on! That'll be a no-go! I am straight up cold natured..

Neverthless, I have never been with a guy that deeply into "foot worship". That could be fun....maybe a little kinky. Grrrrrrrrr! (lol)

Perhaps I need to find me a man with a foot fetish! At least I know my feet and shoes will be tight! *shrug*

Is your man (or if you are a man..are you) into feet?? What makes them so sexy to you?

March 11, 2011

Thirsty: The “Desperate” Haikus

You call me ten times
Yet I don’t answer your ass
TEXTING wont help you

I am like Water
To your heart that’s a desert
Quench your thirst on me

Your heart…a fire
Raging deep inside your loins
I wont put it out

You anticipate
The moment when you can call
Clock seems to stand still

I pencil my first
In to your last
To see how it looks…

I dial your number
My palms sweat…anticipate
But you don’t answer

I stalk your Facebook
Seeing if others want you
Like I want you too

Is my heart’s only desire
My blood fills with hope

March 8, 2011

I Put On

Have you ever been on a date and wondered if you were at Def Comedy/Poetry jam or still in the back booth at the Olive Garden? Yeah…..who wants to relive that moment?? No one. Do you really want to be sitting across from a woman as you do your soliloquy from Othello and she has the gas face? Nah…I didn’t think so. Do you want to do stuff that is more and more awkward making you look like a jackass? Nah...I didn’t think so.
In this world of dating/mating, we are often assaulted with a barrage of images of our potential mates. Sometimes we don’t even know how to take it. It is as if someone left the IPod on “shuffle” the entire time in our heads.  We complain that a person often comes to the table with their “representative”, the man/woman that we THINK you’d like or be attracted to. Yes, in general, we hate that.
However, you may want to scale back your “real” self for a little while. Because a date is not a performance.
No, this isn’t to say that you need to indeed come as a “representative”. But, dude, you do not have to “put on” for a chick. Be 100-watts for amped up mojo for a girl to like you! Just be you, but tone it down.  We understand that men are indeed peacocks and are trying to “show out” for a female, but you don’t have to spread your feathers wide for us to take notice.
What I’m saying is…dating isn’t performance art. Try and read someone’s energy before you go into your best Kat Williams. You also don’t have to come with your best Denzel either.  If we’ve said we like communication and you and Ma Bell are BFF’s…then that may be an issue.  When you pick up the phone, you don't have to go int your well-rehearsed act. It seems fake and disingenuous. There is such thing as balance. And we singles appreciate it.
I can only speak for women….we like smooth...but putting on your best Billy Dee ALL the time raises red flags as if you are a player (and you may not be). We like to laugh…but telling us every joke you’ve heard or funny story makes us think you have no depth or substance.  I know we women are complicated..we say we want one thing..and when we get it…we complain. Oh, we want it..but we don’t want it ALL AT ONCE! That’s like sensory overload!
Conversely, I’ve heard my guy friends say...”Yeah...We want sexy but if you putting em on the glass at every date, we are going to think you are doing too much” or “I want a submissive woman but if she’s being a doormat from date 1…how on earth does she expect me to respect her?”
Yeah...that’s it...”You doing WAY too much” pretty much sums it all up.
You don’t have to put on.
Just be you J (just a little more toned down)

March 7, 2011

Feminism Killed the Dating (Stars)

I am a product of two movements: the civil rights movement and the feminist movement. One implored me to be proud of my race, not take any sh*t, not to back down without a fight, and I could achieve anything I want regardless of my skin color. The other taught me that my gender was on no consequence, I can do it all for and BY myself, I don’t need a bra or shave (in the extreme case), and not to take any sh*t and I can achieve anything I want regardless of my sex.

But, I feel, only the latter has destroyed my dating life for the worse.

Before you all call me a “traitor to the chromosome”, hear me out. In our quest to be “independent”, have we isolated and allowed men to “not be men”? Have we allowed men to expect us to just be “Miss Independent”, picking up the tab, making the decisions, and not taking the “lead” in a relationship? And when I say “lead”, I don’t mean the “submit to me woman” kind. I mean, the, “let me make a choice of ANY kind”.  From planning the date to establishing what the relationship “is”, men will often ask “So…what do YOU think?”. Have we silenced men with our forceful independence, to the point where they don’t know what the fuck to be in a relationship? Stuck between a man-child and a man…..not knowing where to turn UNLESS they get guidance from some women (mama, grandmamma, girlfried, etc). Too afraid to put their foot down sometimes without seeming like a pig. We strike out at them in our defensiveness, roaring “I am woman” without acknowledging that they are man. And when he does have a misstep, something not super grave, our sister-warriors will rally and say “GIRL..let that sorry em-eff GO!!” No one is ever worthy. And if we find someone and it doesn’t work, we are quick to yell out that our “education/finances/and overall good looks and STRENGTH” INTIMADATED them.  We scream we don’t want kids because they will “hold us back” until we realize at 40 we have no legacy left.


I think of my generation of women, women who were raised on the yellowing pages of Gloria Steinem’s Ms. Magazine, Madonna’s “material girl” attitude, and Janet Jackson yelling out for “Control”., who are lost on the art of “dating”. In our efforts to regain control, to strike out a niche for ourselves in society, have we irevocaably damaged the ideas of dating? I’m not saying to back to the days of the 1950s. But just a balance. The same girls screaming “I don’t need no man! Im independent” are lonely. They want a man but for what?? If they are so independent, aside from sex, what do you need a man for? We say we want a man who is “a man”, but how is that possible when you won’t let him BE a man. You are planning the dates. You are paying for the trips. You are establishing WHAT the relationship will be before he’s ready at all.  Why are you taking the lead, fall back! Why are you texting HIM to death?? Or calling HIM to death? Let the dude just BE and if he doesn’t know HOW to be “a dude”, then let him roll. I think we are a generation of women who claim to have found themselves but are totally lost. We can fry up the bacon....put it in a pan.....and are eating it alone (or with a cat). Because we just won't learn to let go of control.

I admit, I am a bit old-fashioned. I get so so TIRED of being the one to plan the dates. Having to wait TOO LONG for the guy to reach for his wallet.   Being the one to call first. Trying to work myself around HIS schedule. Not anymore. I just refuse. And in speaking to my guy friends, those who are a bit old fashioned too and the want to be wanted a little, needed a little, and allowed to make the first move. Men want someone to make them feel….wanted. Not someone who is too busy “acting and asserting their sexuality” to appreciate them.

But we women, products of the feminist generation are impatient to a fault. We want it now. We want the man..the job..even the baby..NOW! We won’t wait worth a damn.  Impatience is killing our love lives.  I’m guilty of that. I’m trying to reform myself.

As a new generation of generation Y girls, so self absorbed emerge, what will be the future of dating?  Will we prosper or will we fail? How will men adjust? Will their prospects be less and less in finding men who are a little bit modern and a little bit old fashioned?

Am I wrong? I dunno….who knows.  As a self-proclaimed feminist/womanist, I’m just trying to find my Prince Charming..who’ll ride shotgun on my horse sometimes and let me be soft and girly.

I guess I gotta re-learn how to date. The feminist in my is fighting it.

But I just wanna fly :)

March 2, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

The REAL Mocha (Pin-up) Peach
(Custom made Pin-up painting by Zahira Kelly of Kelly's Dolls)

March 1, 2011

Rotten Carrots: A Poem

I feel like a race horse
Being led astray with a carrot
Dangling in my face
I run and run
And I work and work
I sweat until I can’t take it
Exhausted in this race of life
Of Love.
So narrow is my view
That I cannot see
That the carrot in front of my face
Is rotten
Full of moldy places
Lacking nutrition
Not worthy of consumption
Yet I keep running toward it.
Someone put my out my misery
Like an old racehorse
And just shoot me.


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