Sex and The Southern Belle

Let's talk about one of my fav new shows... Insecure! And why I better not ever see anyone over the age of 35 making these mistakes. A little background... Issa Rae is the creator of the show, which has its roots on Youtube in its previous incarnation as Awkward Black Girl. This is totally different though. It is about the love life of Issa and Lawrence... their friends Molly, Chad, Kelly and Tiffany. All while navigating micro-aggressions in the workplace and all around foolishness in South Los Angeles. It's an amazing show with a dope soundtrack and an amazing cast. Last season (SPOILER ALERT ), Issa and Lawrence broke up because Issa cheated. She cheated because she got fed up and bored with Lawrence and his lame penis and his even lamer excuse for not finding stable work. In the end, Lawrence ends up banging the teller at his bank (Tasha) who was flirting with him, coming to his job with titties up to her chin. On top of all of this, Molly and Issa, two BFFs had a ser...

I am at the intersection of "Fuck it All" and "Think This Thing Through"... Oh btw.. this blog is about career and professional goals... (if you don't want to read any further). I do not dislike my job. But it has run its course and served its purpose. I've been serving in an administrative capacity in High Ed for close to 15 years now. It was my first job out of graduate school. And while it wasn't my dream job of junior editor at Random House, it was a job that allowed a steady paycheck, benefits, and had the familiarity of school. If there is one thing i know, it is that I know University and how it works. And I am good at it. I've had promotion after promotion, title changes and bigger offices. But I've grown tired.  The truth is.. I am not living my purpose. And I know my purpose is to write. I am almost 40.. so I keep wondering if it is too late.. but then I remember JK Rowling was 40.. Vera Wang was 40....

Things just don't bother me the way they used to... Case-in-point. I was online reading for class, minding my own business when I received an instant message. "Hey you". I literally had to pause for a second. I saw the screen name and was instantly flooded with so many emotions.  Anger. Sadness. Confusion. Disgust. Worthlessness. But most of all... I was all like.."Really dude?" Picture it.... North Carolina..... 2002.... Once upon a time I cared for this dude. And I don't even know why. We met haphazardly one summer.We had one less-than-romantic-mostly-lustful encounter over 10 years ago.  When I wanted more he said he was "an asshole" who "just wasn't built for a relationship". Although only being 35-40 minutes from me, he never would visit me again. And despite all of that..we kept in touch off and on ...all through Grad school...even when I was married...even after my divorce. He was the dude who was some ideal ...

(Ray Rice, wife Janay, and their daughter Rayven) My parents have been married 37 years. My parents are still together. My father, an ex-cop, returned from the military shortly before I started 5th grade. Before that, I had a dream like vision of my dad, a super strong military man who visited on leave. I didn't know they had technically been legally separated since I was about 3 and his stint in the military was for him to "get his life together".  My father beat my mother more times than I could remember. Or that I can remember because I've blocked most of ages 8-18 out. My father was abusive,neglectful, controlling, manipulative and in some ways still is. He had several children outside his marriage. He had no remorse, felt no guilt, and did what he pleased. When he got out the Army, he was underemployed and drank a lot. That's stopped......(the drinking that is). When he became gainfully employed, money made it worse as he could exert all his control wit...

Yesterday I was mad. I mean boiling-point mad, at my fiance'. I think it's the stress of everything. Wedding planning. New Home. New Job. My mother being ill. I've been ill......a lot of stuff. And it all spilled over one fateful Monday. Well actually, to be fair, it started on Sunday, and spilled over into Monday. I had had it up to HERE with everything, and that included my fiance' (quite unfairly). We rode to work together in relative silence, only chuckling here and there over the morning radio show. As I exited the car, I said "Ok bye"...and entered my building. Later on that evening, he returned home. He said his day was "just ok" which to me translated into it being kinda crappy. I was like "Oh"....and he said something very poignant: "When I dropped you off, you didn't give me my sugar (kiss). When you kiss me, that's my covering for the day...........I missed my sugar. Even if I am mad at you or vice-versa, ...

Me and my fiance' had a bit of a disagreement last week... No. I wont get into the details of what it was about because that is between us. But I will say I learned a valuable lesson. (This is a bit of a paraphrase/mash-up of the situation but bear with me...the lesson still stands) I had my arms folded. My lip poked out (not in a snotty 13 year old kind of way but in a tired, old Grandma frustration kind of way). I walked in the door and didn't say a word to him. Not even hello. I heard him say "Well hello to you too............" and I closed my door. I took off my clothes and got in bed. I figured it was best I just avoid him.....give him some "space" before I blew it up out of proportion. Later, he climbed in next to me and I was asleep, truly asleep. He leaned over wearily and asked "Are you awake?" I groaned and grumbled, upset my sleep was disturbed and said "I WAS ASLEEP" in my most annoyed voice. He sighed. He tried to...

A sorority sister of mine had some run in with a foo-well from her church. She said some ninny had given her number to a man in her single's group ( Violation #1...you don't do that! ) and he called her. During the call, the man goes a woman should "Submit to him in relationships, while you are dating/committed relationships and married......" She promptly  hung up the phone. And I do not blame her. Submission..... *smh* Men are quick to quote random bible verses about "submission" and how men should submit to God only..and women to their husbands who ultimately, get their instruction from God. That type of thinking is dangerous in my opinion. There is a spiritual disconnect going on there. Submission isn't about ruling over a person....ever. And besides, it is 2013. Get real. Feminism and social movements happened ages ago to free us from this thinking. Submission isn't bout a dogmatic way of men being "over" women. It's...

subtitled : The Last Blog in which I will EVER talk about divorce I started this blog as a way to heal from my divorce. But guess what....everything has to come to an end. I am so over it. I am over talking about how to heal..what to do...how to date...etc. I've done the work. I've come out shining and like a champ.  Everyone feels like I am the go-to expert on how to bounce back after divorce. While I am flattered...again...it's got to stop. I've moved on. And so should my readers. Nevertheless....this is a blog post about divorce. *shrug* As I approach my Mid-30's (Ok let's face it...34 is prob already mid-30s), I realize that most of my "give a damn" gave out a long time ago. I've hit a stride. And while I do have fear and apprehension about a lot of major decisions in life, one thing is clear: Who gives a damn what other people think. When I got divorced almost 5 years ago, I had this shame and guilt.  I felt like a failure.  Looking...

I'm in a happy place. My bills are paid. My family is still here (despite ongoing medical issues). And I still have a job. I'm on track to being "ABD" (all but dissertation) by my 35th birthday. And finally, after 4 years of heartbreak, disastrous dates, and just utter foolishness, I have the love of a good man who adores me from top to bottom, inside and out. Yet the ghost of my past relationship keeps haunting me. I don't mean that my ex husband is bothering me or keeping me from moving on. Quite the opposite. He's moved on and I have too. We are at a cordial place with each other from time to time (when I feel like being bothered). Basically, he ain't worried about me and I ain't worried about him. What I'm talking about is the goddamn Internet and all its regrettable abilities to bring up old shit. When I was married, my ex and I took some sexy, romantic and semi-boudoir shots for a friend of his. It was for her budding portfoli...

Warning : I NEVER write about my personal love life. but..I have to get this off my 38 DDs. :) I'm in love. For the first time since my divorce, I am completely, head-over-heels in love with someone. It all came so suddenly and fast. Yet it was on time. God's time.  Granted, we did this dance around the whole idea of an "us" for sometime now. Flirting back and forth for almost a YEAR... until we finally said "Let's just go ahead and try it..." And doggone it...it was kismet! . He's my foodie soulmate. He is my football partner. He is my living teddy bear boo. He is the person who I laugh with the most these days.... But.... Love came at the worst time ever. My mother has been ill for some time now. She had pneumonia which triggered them to look at her heart. They found a clogged artery. Now it appears that after her bypass she will need rehab because she had a stroke during/after surgery. We are unsure. Not sure how long she will be stu...

This evening, after turning in my LAST paper of the semester, my one and only (aka My Mama) and I went to have dinner and see "Think Like a Man". I enjoyed the eye candy. I enjoyed every single damn scene Michael Ealy was in..(WHEW!!!)...and I loved Kevin Hart's comedy and vulnerability...I even like Gary Owen (though limited in his role) as the voice of reason.....I loved all the cameos... It was a GREAT movie...don't get me wrong... But....the feminist in me has some G8damn concerns. What is the message we are sending to women?? All the women in the movie were pushing the men....pushing them to do the right thing..pushing them to be their best and live out their dreams.. and HOPING in turn they get their dreams. Yo...I am not feeling that. I was married to a dreamer..who, despite me pushing and encouraging NEVER had his dreams materialize…and you get tired.I can only motivate so much. We had the long term talk. We had the short term talk. If a n...

Love jones . Period. The movie that defined a new generation of black men and women : Generation X, neo-soul retro New Negros.... Educated in Franz Fanon , Al Green, Malcolm X, and bell hooks. Eating turkey bacon and having brunch. Brown sugar babies. Brown skinned dapper dudes . Going to pretentious poetry spots, drinking dark liquor on ice and quoting Eldridge Cleaver and Maya Angelou while puffing on a L...on some new age philosophy which wasn't new at all. Black power, civil rights, and women's liberation- fed children.... At the cusp of the new millennium . Love jones. Period. The movie that defined me. Late teens/early 20s. Single handily my favorite movie of all time. How many times have I watched it? At Least 200. And that is no exaggeration . I wanted to be Nina . I wanted to live in a fly ass loft. I wanted to be brown and glowing . I wanted to be sexy with a camera. I wanted to be so fly men were powerless around me. I wanted my stuff to be so good that...

I've been a fan of Alanis since I was a brooding teenager, locked away in my room listening to grunge, hip-hop, and Jazz (I was weird...yeah). But anyway, Alanis' "Jagged Little Pill" was the album that defined a major love and break up of my teenage years.  I really liked my HS boyfriend...we broke up and made up probably 100 times during the course of 9th through 12th grades (LOL). This year, it was VERY bad, as I found out he tried to holler at a girl who rode my school bus....(alas....she didn't make the cut and I did...BOOM..maybe cause I scared the sh*t outta him...anyway...LOL) Released in 1995, Jagged Little pill went on to sale over 30 million copies and earned Alanis a sh*t load of Grammys, sealing her dopeness and influence on a ton of other pop=rockers to come: Fiona, Pink, Avril to name a few. The Canadian singer-songwriter is a little folk, a lot of rock, and a lot of indie pop. Some may know her for her time on "You Cant Do That on Televisi...

I was talking to a friend of mine who has hesitation about a man, who, I am pretty sure, is in love with her dirty drawers (lol). She's afraid. She's hesitant. All because he doesn't fit the "mold" of attraction that she is used to. It's taking time for her to warm to him. He's romantic, kind, an old-fashioned gentleman.Your mother would love him. Your father would shake his hand warmly and firmly... But still. She won't dive in head first..and give her all to him. Simply...she's just scared. She likes him. She'd never hurt him...she's open but apprehensive. I told her my advise as friend to her...things that my mother has said to me in one form or another... "Girl.... Love is a slow burning flame...not a raging fire . Sometimes it takes time for passion and love to build. If you go in hot and heavy..often it will burn out.  " I am reminded of a scene I saw in a movie called HappyThankYouMorePlease staring Malin Ackerman.....

I've never been one to date or be attracted to thugs. You know what...I take that back. I kissed a dude in high school whose nickname was "Trigger". I thought he was hot as he sported a bandana across his braids a la O-dog from Menace II Society.  But truth be told...he was a poser. He was smart. He wrote poetry. He cared for a mentally disabled sibling. And my HS boyfriend sold bootleg clothes like Jody from Baby Boy and tried to smoke weed and had a gun in his dashboard, but truth of the matter is, he had deeper hurt and was struggling financially. But I wouldn't call them "thugs". Just misguided teenagers trying to find their way. And I never had or went on a streak of dating "bad boys" either. I'd seen what being attracted to the rough and tumble type had done to women in my family, my mother included: heartache, pain, and overall disrespect. Thugs are just nice to look at: tattoos, cockiness, hustling and grindin...

Ya know, there were two cardinal things that my mother told me never, ever to talk about with my girlfriends when I got married: 1)    You and your husband’s finances: Unless folks wanna put MORE money in your pocket…WTF can they do for you. 2)    You and your husband’s sex life. If you start talking about it…you will lose it. Save it for a therapist if you having problems. And if it’s good, keep smiling, and keep it to yourself…unless you want the next woman to have it. Now, because of unforeseen events, I had to call on my girlfriends for some financial help. So #1 went out the door. But those were trusted confidantes that really didn’t expect to go blabbing about how they helped me. But #2….with all my heart I kept that close to the vest. I never ever shared how my husband and me had a great OR bad sex life. To this day, no one will know that except me and my ex husband. That is the truth. But nevertheless…some people really share too damn much. And your ...