Sex and The Southern Belle

I will be 39 in a month. I am having a midlife crisis. A literal, mid-life crisis. The job of mothering and wife-ing (lol) is a difficult one.  And add on top of that knocking on the 40s door.... and not feeling like you've achieved jack shit. I haven't traveled the world enough. Bought enough shoes. Eat fancy foods. Had sex with Matt Kemp ... Had enough orgasms. Lost enough weight. Driven the car of my dreams. Paid off enough debt... making sex figures...wrote my epic historical fiction novel... worn enough hairstyles... Blah! I've not done jack squat. *sigh* WHat Id o know is, the unpaid, emotional labor of mothering and being a wife has driven me off track and off my goals. A lot of them. I am having to retool and refocus. In lamenting to my husband, he goes "I mean you can still travel the world! With Us ". Before I could control my facial expressions, I scowled. "A baby? Strapped to my back and a husband to weigh me down as I go see the Pyr...

So it was floating all around Facebook and social media today. .the article from the NY Post about a young black woman, Stephani Smith, a page six reporter for the very own Post that publishes this foolywang article, who declares that she wil make 300 sammiches for her boyfriend to propose to her. Let's file this under: Girl..you are DTM (as my fiance' would say): DOING THE MOST... *side eye*  I know women who have done FAR MORE..for FAR LESS...but MochaPeach is not the one. Now..before I go into a feminist tirade...trust me...I won't be doing that.  My fiance' and I LOVE to cook together. Food is our way we communicate our love to each other.....but honey girlfriend..was doing a lot. I can count the number of sandwiches I've made Beau....and I got a ring.... *shrug* Hell...all that man wanted from me was potato skins......real talk. ANd I made them.... ...and here we are. But I digress. After I read the opening line of the article...talking about ...

A sorority sister of mine had some run in with a foo-well from her church. She said some ninny had given her number to a man in her single's group ( Violation #1...you don't do that! ) and he called her. During the call, the man goes a woman should "Submit to him in relationships, while you are dating/committed relationships and married......" She promptly  hung up the phone. And I do not blame her. Submission..... *smh* Men are quick to quote random bible verses about "submission" and how men should submit to God only..and women to their husbands who ultimately, get their instruction from God. That type of thinking is dangerous in my opinion. There is a spiritual disconnect going on there. Submission isn't about ruling over a person....ever. And besides, it is 2013. Get real. Feminism and social movements happened ages ago to free us from this thinking. Submission isn't bout a dogmatic way of men being "over" women. It's...

subtitled : The Last Blog in which I will EVER talk about divorce I started this blog as a way to heal from my divorce. But guess what....everything has to come to an end. I am so over it. I am over talking about how to heal..what to do...how to date...etc. I've done the work. I've come out shining and like a champ.  Everyone feels like I am the go-to expert on how to bounce back after divorce. While I am flattered...again...it's got to stop. I've moved on. And so should my readers. Nevertheless....this is a blog post about divorce. *shrug* As I approach my Mid-30's (Ok let's face it...34 is prob already mid-30s), I realize that most of my "give a damn" gave out a long time ago. I've hit a stride. And while I do have fear and apprehension about a lot of major decisions in life, one thing is clear: Who gives a damn what other people think. When I got divorced almost 5 years ago, I had this shame and guilt.  I felt like a failure.  Looking...

I have largely been ignoring (voluntarily) the mess that is the Gen Petraeus Sex Scandal. I really don't have time. Maybe because I am just desensitized  to it. Maybe because the affairs of folks I have no connection to don't move me. Now..had this been a sex scandal involving T.I and Tiny....I might have taken pause for the cause. The media loves a titillating story about sex and scandal and power and things of that nature. What was MOST disturbing to me was the hidden rhetoric surrounding the sex scandal. It was as if Gen PootyBooty had no "control" over the situation. Even that wise ol' sage of the Lord  Pat Robertson said that the good ol General couldn't help it. The woman was "attractive" and a Jezebel.... to put it simply: He is a man. He was bound to cheat. Duh.... He was in a foreign country and was "lonely" (never mind his vows to his wife of over 30 years). And besides...Jezebel was a pretty. No..an 'extremely attractive...

It is a super rainy day in ATL. The rain is signaling that fall is fast approaching  here and summer is getting its last hurrahs.  There is a slight chill in the air and the rain is beating against the window. It's officially fall. You look at your cell phone. Is that a text? It's officially "cuddle season". Oh yes...now is the time of the season where people have to  choose to find a "cuddle buddy" aka "a winter boo" aka "cuffing season partner". And it all begins with "cuddling". You know how it goes. You get a call on a night like this from a dude...say you've had an interest in him for a while now. It could be a dude you used to mess with a while ago. The weather is changing. You might have gained a few pounds and you're a nice "warm body of thickness".  He says.."Hey...I just wanna come over...bring a movie...and "cuddle". *side eye*...cuddle huh? I am not about that lif...

This evening, after turning in my LAST paper of the semester, my one and only (aka My Mama) and I went to have dinner and see "Think Like a Man". I enjoyed the eye candy. I enjoyed every single damn scene Michael Ealy was in..(WHEW!!!)...and I loved Kevin Hart's comedy and vulnerability...I even like Gary Owen (though limited in his role) as the voice of reason.....I loved all the cameos... It was a GREAT movie...don't get me wrong... But....the feminist in me has some G8damn concerns. What is the message we are sending to women?? All the women in the movie were pushing the men....pushing them to do the right thing..pushing them to be their best and live out their dreams.. and HOPING in turn they get their dreams. Yo...I am not feeling that. I was married to a dreamer..who, despite me pushing and encouraging NEVER had his dreams materialize…and you get tired.I can only motivate so much. We had the long term talk. We had the short term talk. If a n...

We all do it. All women do it. This is a universal fact.., So get over it men. But our reasons why may surprise you. In my women's studies class, I was responsible for presenting on the sexual, personal and political implications of faking orgasms. Yes... Political. This presentation was right up my alley. I mean, I'm a sex blogger for goodness sakes. While I always felt my orgasm or lack there of was a highly personal thing, I never thought of my faking it was some sort of participation in patriarchy or capitalism. Hard to understand? Let me explain.... As women, when we fake orgasms, we totally remove ourselves from the sexual experience. We play into the stereotypes of passive women who just "take" sex. We are the ones who are laboring in the sex: giving men our orgasms as a "gift" to their hard work.  Sex becomes a negotiation. Orgasms become our capital in sexual economy. Women feel that a man is the only one who can GIVE you an orga...

Jilly from Philly is a brick house fa sho' It took me 33 (ok..32.75) years to realize.. I am not skinny. I will NEVER be skinny. Ever. The smallest I may get down to is a NICE solid 8...a 10 if I up the carbs.... And I am OK with that..... Part of my embrace of my bliss in 2012 has also been coming to grips with my body image... As a kid, I have always had this love/hate relationship with my curves. I developed SUPER early, and was all boobs and thighs and no butt. I had a weird shape in my eyes. I got teased relentlessly....My name starts with a T so I got called every "Titty" joke in the book. I had no butt...and I got teased by guys about that. Yet I wanted to be thin. I didn't realize at 5'4 and 125 lbs I was STACKED....not fat...and went through periods of flirting with of bulimia and anorexia. That didn't last too long.....I like to eat. I used to run miles and stayed doing leg exercises because I was a cheerleader....little did I ...

Remember back in the day (or perhaps you are too young for this) when they used to tease boys (and some girls), that masturbation would make you go blind, crippled and crazy? That touching yourself would lead to stupidity and overall frigidity? Masturbation was gonna lead to you going to hell and subsequently jacking off in a hell-pit of fire.... Well...Alfred Kinsey, famed biologist and sexual researcher, felt the opposite. So much so...that Masturbation as great....and well...necessary. But that's not the point of this blog..... As I was in my Sexuality and Society Class (part of my feminist theory requirement), we watched a PBS documentary on Alfred Kinsey. It was quite informative and we learned how groundbreaking (and controversial) he was. But one phrase  Kinsey said stuck in my head.... "There are only three kinds of sexual abnormalities : abstinence, celibacy and delayed marriage ". Instantly, I felt conflicted and convicted. I will be quite hon...

I've never been one to date or be attracted to thugs. You know what...I take that back. I kissed a dude in high school whose nickname was "Trigger". I thought he was hot as he sported a bandana across his braids a la O-dog from Menace II Society.  But truth be told...he was a poser. He was smart. He wrote poetry. He cared for a mentally disabled sibling. And my HS boyfriend sold bootleg clothes like Jody from Baby Boy and tried to smoke weed and had a gun in his dashboard, but truth of the matter is, he had deeper hurt and was struggling financially. But I wouldn't call them "thugs". Just misguided teenagers trying to find their way. And I never had or went on a streak of dating "bad boys" either. I'd seen what being attracted to the rough and tumble type had done to women in my family, my mother included: heartache, pain, and overall disrespect. Thugs are just nice to look at: tattoos, cockiness, hustling and grindin...

As you all know, I'm in my celibacy mode and I do not mess with porn anymore. It has been liberating. And quite frankly, it does absolutely nothing for me anymore. I've become sorta desensitized. Then again. I was never one of those people who watched porn to get off. It was more about..."studying" Anywho... One day, I ran across a blogger homie's Tweet about this blog:  http://beardedandblack.tumblr.com/   with a pic of a man so deliciously sinful that my jaw hit the floor. Why oh WHY did I have to find this Tumblr? While I generally find Tumblr confusing and just messy overall, I couldn't stop looking at the blog. I dunno WHO created this joint, but I owe them a debt of gratitude. It was a mix of professionals (celebrities) and amateurs(regular Joe's) modeling their perfectly sculpted beards in all kinds of situations.... I became unusually aroused. It was weird. There are few things I require of a man. One being straight white teeth...

My friend (who shall remain nameless) convinced me to, JUST for a short time, and JUST for the New YEar, rejoin a dating site. She joined one too.... I hate to sound bourgie....but...I've noticed that I've had to "dumb myself down" on websites. If I say I am getting a PhD or work in the field that I do....most dudes are confused...or say crazy stuff like.."So..is that the highest degree right?" or.."What u gonna do? Work in a hospital?" or.... just any bevy of things that show me you have no understanding. I know most of the world isn't as well-read or educated. But at the sake of my sanity, is it wrong of me to ask that a person at least be well educated. As in went to college. Or something of that sort that may have garnered them an accredited degree... I hate having to explain myself...or my goals...or my experiences. In this respect..Ralph Richard Banks is right. Most African-American men do no have college degrees, so I shouldn...

I will be 33 years old in less than 5 months. By this time, I thought I would have a child by now. But such is not my fate. In less than 5 months, it will also mark my being celibate (I hope) a full year. I siad that I would stop there. But I am thinking I am going to go onward... I'm also a feminist. I am a womanist. And I am also an advocate for fair and equal reproductive justice. I believe I can do what I want, when I want, when it comes to my body and my reproductive rights. I am pro choice. I grew up in a very feminist, pro-choice household that advocated responsible sexual health and access to reproductive care. I will be 33 in less than 5 months. If you can believe it, if I never have sex again....I would probably be ok. *crickets* I know. It seems shocking and unrealistic. But I am at a really good place spiritually.  I feel so free. It is a terrible, drowning burden lifted. This insatiable need to please another person who really could care less. For the f...

In reading Audre Lorde (who is my fav author if you don't know by now), I realize that she hits on some real points that resonate even 40 years later. One point being, that if you are outside of the "norm", the heterosexual norm (whether you be gay or straight), pushing against male sexual advances and their aggression, then you are always branded a "lesbian". If you have no children...you must be a lesbian. If you aren't having sex...you must be a lesbian. If I won't give you my number, I'm a straight up dyke. No perm? Lesbian... Audre Lorde said it best: "Today, the red herring of lesbian-baiting is being used in the Black community to obscure the true face of racism/sexism" At first I thought the whole idea of  men calling you a lesbian was immature and just out of date. Surely, guys these days don't feel that way in this age of sexual freedom and liberation. That is until it happened to me. The Scene: My Office at Noon. I get a...

It's probably as bad as "cancer"....(ok..not really..let me stop being dramatic"), but the word "celibacy" strikes as much fear in the hearts of men (and women) as would cancer. And just like cancer, it seems as though people have the same reaction to the idea/word "celibacy". They don't know what to do or what to say. They are shell shocked and a little taken back. They aren't sure to feel sorry for me or to cheer me on and encourage me. The scariest part is actually going back out here and dating. One guy I told gave me a high five. What? High five? That was so weird. Another guy laughed and said "Are you serious?" Some just get really, really quiet. Stunned and defeated. I was reading an article a while ago in the AJC and it asked the question : "If you are celibate, when do you spring it on the guy that you are not going there sexually? How can you date?" I posed the question to my friends. Some said date 1. ...

Let me start this blog by saying, I am not a bible-beating Christian. I will never convince someone that they need to be saved or know Jesus. I respect all faiths and I respect all interpretations of God's Word. That being said....I didn't come here to preach on Sex and the Southern Belle. But....I will say that this post signals a turn in my life....and I would be remiss if I didn't share it with you all...so...here goes.... At my uncle's fledgling church in Stockbridge , the musician likes to sing the song, " I Give Myself Away " by gospel singer William McDowell.  A LOT. *smh* Granted, our musician doesn't know but like 2 verses of a very short song (..and we got him for a good almost "FREE" budget...LOL),  he sings it with a lot of zeal and love of the Lord that you cant help but sing along too. It would annoy me greatly when he would start up on the song. I'd roll my eyes and go.."Oh Lawd...not this song again"...and just s...