January 30, 2010

Ask a Man

In a new weekly series, various women readers will be posing different questions to men in order to spark dialogue and get some male perspective>

This week's question comes come a reader, Candi.
"Has the phone call died??? Do men actually call women or should I expect a text as the norm?"

Here is some feedback from some men (and women):

CC (man)
Before I answer... are you referring to that initial call after the first meeting & exchanging phone numbers... or are you referring to a call vs. a text message after a relationship is established?

@CC..I think in general. When a person asks for your number..instead of a first "call"...you get a series of text. Rarely if ever...do brothers take the time and call a sista on the phone.
Thu at 10:25am ·

Sooooo true Tati! I mean why even ask for your number?

Ah... I see what you're getting at. Well, did you ever think about how much pressure is put on us regarding that first call? How long to wait, what to talk about, not to sound to eager or too nonchalant? Some guys may be thinking that the text message may be easier to deal with emotionally. You know we don't like dealing with a whole lot of emotions if we don't have to. *LOL*

KM (man)
You cant hide behind a phone. Voice carries more feelings than facial expressions at times. Then there is the I don't want to look desperate feeling even though all you think about would be her. I don't have that issue. I love to talk.

TV (man)
I don't think phone calls are dead but I feel that text messages have taken away the extended times on the phone. You can text anywhere, all throughout the day, and know exactly how someones day is going. You can have so much more conversation via text than a phone call provides.

I mean sometimes we'd like to hear your voice. I mean you can get away for 1-2 minutes...at least once in the day. Dont "text me something sweet"...say it

^5 up top on that Tati!

there is nothing like hearing a sexy, deep voice on the other end of the phone. texts cant do that.

Thoughts, Fellas?

January 28, 2010

More Haikus

Love isn’t really
What I feel for you right now
It’s more like contempt

They’ll never be me
Or have the title… they want
In….the First Wives Club

Black is the mood now
Nails..Hair..Clothes…Shoes..Make-Up.. Soul
Coal-colored ideas

My body is tight
Again as if I’m reborn
A virgin lotus

He kisses me and
Instantly I return there
Home are his kisses

Here I masterbate
Penetrating the cold
Where heart used to be

I pretend you are
Everything I hoped for
Sweet dreams turned nightmare

I authorize you
To do with me what you will
Cargo is fragile

I still believe in
The power of love and all
The hurt that comes with

January 27, 2010

Musical Interlude of the Week

This week's musical interlude of the week comes from a neo-soul artist that I dig a lot....

Can't Hardly Wait by N"Dambi.

Straight outta Texas, N"Dambi was the former big afro background singer for Erykah Badu. Her new album, Pink Elephant is a mix of funk, soul, and sexiness and blues that we have come to love from her previous work. This song mixes all of that and more sexy grooves. Can't Hardly Wait encompasses that!! Def a song with a LOT of attiude! The PERFECT Break-up song!!h

January 24, 2010

This Celibacy Thang

4...is the magic number.....

4. So far....it has been almost 4 months since I've been intimate in ANY way with someone. And I purely just fell into it by accident. But now, I don't think celibacy (or abstinence...really that's what it is...celibacy is for monks...) is such a bad thing.

It's not like I was having it on the regular. It's not like it was all that good when I did get it. It was hit or miss, really. It's not like I cared about these dudes (well really..THIS dude) or was in love. They (he) certainly didn't love me. despite my attempts at being open, honest, and sweet. I don't even remember my last powerful and honest orgasm. Actually, I found out through the magic of Facebook that the dude I had been seeing had a girlfriend all along. It was a little twinge of pain...........but it just made my break even more needed. I needed to be shocked into reality. Lesson learned. I have no desire to fake an orgasm (lol)..or sweat my makeup off. or r break out lingerie with too many bells and whistles for a joker who won't be around for breakfast. I have a vibrator sitting under my bathroom sink just collecting dust..and I spent a pretty penny on it. Oh well....batteries just won't cut it this time.

So...I'm on a break......
..a penis break......
a " be a modern woman and start looking" break...
a "be a biblical woman and WAIT for him" break....
a "maybe you need to expand your options" break...
a "maybe you have TOO many requirements" break...
a "READING pop culture books on relationships" break...
a "talking"...break..
a "not talking" break
a "wondering why????" break...
a "waiting by the phone" break....
a "going out and having dudes say stupid sh*t to me" break..
a "hook up" break..
a "dating website/networking outing masquerading as a professional outing when it's really about dating" break....
for a FULL YEAR. I am going to give it until my 32nd birthday (March 28, 2011) to see if I can hold out. If Pepa can do it for 4 years, I certainly can do it for a year. I mean...I've gone YEARS without sex...and seeing as thought I was a late bloomer to some in that arena anyway (I was a virgin till I was almost 19 years old)...surely I can hold out a year. I've done it before.... *shrug*

I'm on a SERIOUS sabbatical from all things with an XY chromosome, a penis and facial hair........... Do not come near me. This is so hard because I find men (especially black men...men of color)..FIONE. If Adam Rodriguez came up to me in a club, I may find it a little hard pressed...then again...when I tell guys I'm single and now celibate,......I get the crazy responses.

When I tell guys I am on "penis sabbatical" they either laugh or don't believe I can hold out (these are men that know my sexual nature....not necessarily have slept with me). They must not know I have patience and will power, despite my love of sex. If I say no..I mean now. I told my frat brother (yes..the same one that has appeared here several times...) I was on a "celibacy" break.. He and I have this attraction to each other I feel is probably palpable. But...he kinda laughed and was like.."Man...Mocha...I'm a rat bastard...for real...you deserve so much better...you are too good for me... BUT if you wanna cash in a "coochie coupon"...I mean we can do the damn thing...

In other words..you wanna bone me with no emotional, spiritual, ties and using that lame ass excuse of "you are too good..I don't deserve you". If one more ninja says that to me I'm slicing and dicing......... SUCH a lame excuse! (hence my short little open letter blog the other day!) SPARE ME,B*TCH! I'm gonna focus on me....I'm SO DONE! I have school to worry about..my finances..my job..my weight..my family....a lot more important things right now..I dunno...I've changed a lot.

Where my heart used to be...there is a block of cold, hard ice...I tried...I really did...to not have it form there. Not bitter...just..............indifferent..which I think is WORSE. I pray that the indifference I feel doesn't last. I think that hurts worse than pain. I think it just makes you numb and impervious to feelings. You sit there as though you are not affected which really means you DO have some emotional wounds...they are just scabbed over. I, however, do not wanna be my Aunt...who hasn't been with a man in 9 years...that's almost a decade. Right now a year...(MAYBE 2..but that's pushing it) will be just fine.

I've set my goals for myself in the relationship and sex area VERY high. I got a taste for LOBSTER AND CAVIAR served on a diamond and platinum platter.....I'm tired of getting served imitation crab meat on a garbage can lid.............
I'm trying to prepare for "fine dining"....white table cloth, platinum rimmed plate and Tiffany flatware service.
I deserve it.

January 23, 2010

Musical Interlude Of the Week

*I'm going to try something different in my blog. This blog is about love, relationships and etc...so I thought I'd introduce my other love to the mix: MUSIC. I'm a big music buff.....LOVE good singers..love songs that have meaning...and that touch your soul. So every week, I thought I'd introduce a little musical interlude that I love..talk a little about the artist...some artist you may know...some you may discover....Enjoy*


Song of the week: "Everybody Here Wants You" performed by Kenny Lattimore (from the album Timeless)
(Originally recorded by the late Jeff Buckley (if you don't know him...get ON him...) in 1997, this song is so beautifully haunting....it gives me chills.... Kenny, a well-known soul singer known for his beautiful vibrato and falsetto does it JUSTICE.)

January 22, 2010

Open Letter #1

Dear Men of the Universe:

Please retire the following tired, played-out, lame line...

"You deserve so much better...I mean...you are just too good for me"


Women who aren't dumb and can see through your facade and bullsh*t!

If I hear one more dude tell me that, Imma scream........

January 17, 2010

The Business of Relationships

I asked a guy friend of mine (a man I had once been madly attracted to..who I felt was this "ideal" dude..) about what made him choose his latest girlfriend. I was going to use this for a sweet, sugary V-day themed blog. I was anticipating fawning and overall gushing. But…his answer wasn’t what I was quite expecting.

Q: I’m working on my blog.....and I wanted to know if you could answer a general question:What’s are the qualities that your girlfriend has that sets her apart from other girls that you dated in the past (i.e. the "i need to lock this down" qualities) ?

A: It is interesting you asked that question ... I have come up with two conclusions--

1) I KNOW she loves me and is fully devoted to me. Not like I’m the center of her universe, because we both have lives outside of our relationship, but more along the lines of I know that I/this relationship is one of her top priorities. She makes most decisions with me/our relationship in mind-- from career choices to grocery shopping

.2) for the first time in a long while I feel like I’m only dating one person, not a woman's momma, not her friends, not her co-workers . . . in past relationships my girlfriends' friends or family have had a large influence on our relationship. I don’t have to deal with "what u need to do, girl, is . . .” type drama, nor do I have to hear "well, my momma said that you . . ." she isn’t trying to hear that stuff. Oftentimes other people's words, comments, and un/solicited advice have a detrimental impact on a relationship. the two people in relationship generally know what's best for them. I’m glad we lean on each other rather than leaning on someone else.

I sat there and read it twice. I mean, he did what I asked and I can’t be mad at that. He answered the question (quite pragmatically but very valid responses that I respect). But his answer seemed more like something you would answer at a job interview. Gosh...this isn’t what I expected. I was left with so many questions. Where is the emotion? Are you equally as devoted? What about aesthetics? Not once did I read she was beautiful, smart, family-oriented, etc. How does she make him feel? How do you make her feel? What about a spiritual aspect? Love? Where is the love? (Yes..she loves you but do you love her???) I felt like he was talking about his business partner and their venture capital than a relationship.

I don’t expect most men to expound on that, but I would at least have some general hinting toward emotion that. However, his answer let me draw a very simple conclusion that I’ve been noticing lately.

“Relationships are about business. Not emotions”

In looking for a partner and a mate you want to spend the rest of your life with, emotions play a big part in it. I’m learning now that isn’t the case with everyone and perhaps not the mindset of our educated people. If you are Cliff Huxtable, then you are looking for Claire (or at least Claire “on paper”) and emotions are on the last of the list. It’s about what THEY can do for you? Not necessarily what you can do for them..or what you can do together. In an era of “me”, a person feels a relationship is important if that person puts them first. How will you mesh financially? Will you all be a “power couple” that concurs it all? It’s not really about “Do I love her?” Love is quite secondary. It’s about “is this relationship as cohesive and doesn’t “disturb my flow”?

In some small way, In talking to my guy friend, I realize why WE could have never been. I am all emotion at times. I don’t know if I’m “good on paper” or could have made him a “top priority” (yet Lord knows I wanted to try). The opinions of my family are indeed important to me and I lean on them for guidance (not necessarily them having the final say). And however “aesthetically pleasing” I was to this dude (if I was at all), I certainly didn’t have “it” he was looking for. And after 8 years of wondering, I finally made peace with it. He only contacted me if he wanted something.

But, I will say I learned something in asking him this question. I learned in modern day relationships, you need to be a lot more self-serving and take “feelings” out of the equation. Damn how a person makes you feel…how attractive they are…how nasty they can be in the bedroom, it’s all about what this person brings to the table and what they can do for you.

“Ask not what you can do for the relationship..but what the relationship can do for you!”

I’m not sure if this philosophy works for me. I feel personally that relationships should be 50% business and 70% emotions. Yes, that adds up to well over 100% but you should be giving well over 100% anyway in a relationship.

I think I’ll try to balance my heart and head a lot more.

January 9, 2010

If We Had Meddling Mothers...

I was reflecting more on the plight of the African American community and our lack of healthy, whole families. I, too, realize I am part of the problem. I’m a statistic.. But…I digress.

My friend Cee told me something earlier this week about how other cultures make it their duty, their obligation, to make sure that their kids find a mate. Her example was about the Jewish community and how mother’s (and fathers too) are vigilant about finding a mate for their child. If they don’t, they feel that they are a failure as a parent (and sometimes as grandparents). And aside from communities that participate in arranged marriages, there are other cultures that take it upon themselves to find their kids a mate. She was also saying that Asian parents search tirelessly in their communities for a mate. They stop at nothing and ask everyone if they have a free cousin/brother/sister/neice/nephew/grandson/granddaughter/godchild that is single and available as a partner for their child.

We don’t do that in our community. (In Africa...yes...In America/UK…not so much). Often times, we find that our mothers and fathers are “meddling” in our affairs and love lives. We say it is none of their business. When in fact, it is their business to see you happy. The job of a parent is not done. They want to see their bloodlines continue. They want to see their kids happy and whole. What if we as a community did that? Would things be different? Would we have these paltry marriage and out of wedlock statistics?? Would black women be crying about “where is my prince”? Would men be out here with an endless parade of women?

I can tell you for a fact: My mother has NEVER been wrong about a mate I brought home. If she liked them, she liked them. If she hated them, she let them know. We need more parents like her. She never went as far as try to set me up with dates. But as I’ve been divorced, she’s made her feelings known and has been really vocal about my dating behavior. I do listen. I respect her opinion. I’d even let her set me up on a date. True, my mother isn’t quite keen on the sex appeal factor, but she does think about my needs. It’s not about money…or what he does…etc. It’s a lot deeper things my mother looks at. She has a discernment I respect…which brings me to today.

Today, she came to my house and basically yelled and screamed her opinion and called me some choice words. She was angry with something she was observing. And let her true feelings me known. I was shocked and even laughed because I had never seen her “go off’ like this. But...she was just being an advocate for her child. You need that in your corner. Male or Female. Whether it is a father or a mother, you need someone who is looking our for you. Not only do YOU need it, but our community needs it.

Would you let your parents advocate for a mate for you? Set you up on dates? Do you think this is out of date?

January 4, 2010

Turn the Lights Down Low

Touch me here…
Wait...no there
Uhmmm...that feels good.
No...stop…not at THIS angle.
Wait...no...I don’t like how I look in this light…
Turn the lights off...no...ALL the way off…

We have all been there. We meet a guy. We date for a while...and finally…tonight is the night. You put on your sexiest lingerie. You oil up your body. You spray the expensive perfume. You make sure you are waxed/shaved/plucked and your toes are painted the most luscious, suckable shade. You are perfecting your make-up in your favorite shade of MAC. All is going well until…..

You look in a mirror. Oh god! Those stretch marks on my butt. My stomach is hanging over my thong. I have that scar on my thigh when I fell of my bike when I was 12. Jesus..should he really SEE me like this?

Thus begins the self-doubt and self consciousness that comes with sex. We all get like that a time or two. One area or another of our body makes us rethink the “getting wild and kinky” part. Maybe he won’t like my legs? Or maybe my breasts are too small?

Ladies: MEN DON’T CARE. If they are about to get you in the bed at this point, they must like something about you. If they are a descent guy who likes you for you (and not your sex potential), then your little scars, stretch marks, and extra pooch isn’t going to bother them so much. We are so used to viewing ourselves in a certain way..we get blinded by it.Men do NOT see what we see.

This topic came about talking to my girlfriend Cee. Surprisingly, I am quite self conscious in social settings. If I was in a room full of men, I’d probably be chilled, reserved, relaxed and sipping my wine in a corner. BUT in the bedroom, I am my most confident and sexy self. I can do absolutely no wrong when I have sex. I am a goddess. A queen. All my reservations and inhibitions are gone. My legs are taut and lean. My breasts sit up perky. My skin glows a golden-mocha brown. My face is beautiful when I orgasm. I feel great until…..

I take one look at my butt. I wasn’t born with the atypical “black girl butt”. I am flat as I don’t know what! Blame my white great-grandfather. BUT…I don’t let that stop me. I say to myself “If he wants me..he has to accept ALL of me. Lack of ample rump and all! Thank GOD I was born with a gorgeous face and ample bosom to make up for that”. LOL. But in all seriousness, I don’t let that stop me. I have scars from an tragic accident on my stomach and left arm. I have surgical scars from gallbladder removal. I have stretch marks. My left boob is bigger than the right. BUT..all of that goes out the window when I’m confident and sexy in my sexual confidence.

So next time…keep the lights on….face the mirror (ooooh...kinky).…and make love in all your CURRENT glory.

January 1, 2010

What I'm NOT Having in 2010

So one of my girlfriend sent me a video of yet another sad, depressing video on why a large portion of black women are single..something from Nightline on ABC

I, for one, am SICK OF IT! I cant take it. If i see one more report on why we are single, I am going to fucking SCREAM! Im not going to take it! I'm not going to feed into this bullshit. IT'S BULLSHIT! I'm not going to believe that a bevy of well educated black women should be PUNISHED by spinsterhood for being goal-oriented! I'm not having it! I'm not taking it. T hey say "lower your standards" WHY??? WHITE girls dont lower their standards ! FUCK THAT! I dont have a long list of "must haves". BUT...I can tell you what I'm NOT having in 2010!

No more Greeks/Masons (As a member of a sorority, I KNOW first hand how men/frat boys take advantage of BONDS..they think it's instant PUSSY access! IT's NOT!)
No men who own more sneakers than suits/dress shoes
No more uneducated men (Must have SOME kind of education)
No unemployed men who are using that as an excuse NOT to be a gentleman
No short men
No fat men
No men who are ambigiously "gay"
No dudes with locs/cornrows
No dudes with kids (as in more than 1)
No men under age 35. (We rolling with 35-40 ONLY....45 would be pushing it...but eh)
No "ultra fine" men who feel themselves
No serial texters
No men who don't read or keep up w/ current events.
No men who WONT take you on a date.
No bitter/jaded dudes who blame women for their problems
No men who want are into random "Sexting" and "private photo ops" and "phone sex"....go get a PORNO
No men who wanna hit and run
No men who wanna hit after the first date.
No more unattractive men. I cant lower my standards anymore
No more men who KNOW they are fine...come down a notch.
No men who FAKE sincerity.
No men who aren't into serious relationships, and who are just "WEIGHING OPTIONS" OR "juggling their options"
No men who want to keep you as a "back pocket option"...checking on you periodically to see if you are single or not. GO AWAY.
No men who don't return your call in a timely manner. I mean.. a few hours after cool..a few DAYS (unless ure dead or had a family emergency.....) WTF!
No men who wanna sit up here and eat all my fucking food in my house....and DONT want to take me out on a date.
No men who treats you like he doesn't give a shit...because he probably doesn't give a shit.
No men who are hung up on thier ex-wives, ex-girlfriends, or baby mama's
No men who use romance as a bargaining chip.
No men who bore me to death.
No men who use romance as a pawn..and dangle "relationship" with the notion of "friends with benefits" in front of it.
No men who use "ambiguous" terms with me....
No men who speak bad about their mothers...or God...or interchange the mix of bitch/hoe/trick in their vocabulary as substitutes for women
No more coming over after midnight...
No one who doesn't appreciate my appearance because the locs..the skin complexion...the lack of booty....it's not gonna change.
No more men who view me as "unfinished business".....No. In 2010...I won't be someone's "unfinished business"...I will strive to be someone's "answered destiny"

......If you say I'll be alone after this. So be it. If you say I'm going to be a statstic. Fine. Because I'm not having it in 2010


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