April 30, 2010

Feeling/Not Feeling


Feeling

  • open toed shoes
  • sand and beaches
  • Shania Twain and Faith Hill...(I LOVE them..I truly do)
  • Dhani Jones (mercy...sweet Jesus that man is fine!)
  • B.oB's album.
  • someone washing my hair...while we are in the shower....(sexy)
  • Broadway musicals
  • the lyrics of this song....
  • museum exhibits
  • BBC America
  • all things Britis basically (see BBC America)
  • Logo Channel
  • straight white teeth
  • my DVR..why didnt I get one sooner????





Not Feeling

  • men with crusty black toe nails
  • Noah's Arc was cancelled
  • married men contacting "single" me. Go on, you predator.
  • women who use "church" to substitute for your lack of a man. *smh*
  • people who use the bible in every argument
  • complicated recipes with expensive ingredients
  • having a craving and being broke
  • not knowing how to swim
  • men who look at me strange when I say certain things I lack which leads them to be totally disinterested in me which brings me to another point......
  • How superficial the MEN are here in ATL Such bitachness
  • people wanting to insert themselves in my life..
  • having more "month" at the end of my money...than more "money" at the end of the month
  • my unkempt shaggy locs right now
  • Dhani Jones and his love of "mixed/exotic/light" long haired broads. Your black ass and taco meat chest hair has no idea what he's missing with the pretty brown girls! (*flips back locs*)

April 29, 2010

NSFW: The Weekly Porn Review

This week...I decided to focus on something I'd like to call...

"The Porn Parody"


I was watching the 2010 AVN awards late one night on Showtime. It's the porn industry's version of the Oscars. It was a star-studded crowd And I realized two things watching 1) I'm in the wrong industry because these joints make millions and 2) there are various porn catagories I had never heard of. Some were crazy like "gonzo" (based on the no frills style of photojournalism  described by Hunter Thompson) ....and best "Pov" (point of view). But the one that was the craziest thing to me was "parody porn". Apparently this is porn based on a real person or a TV show or movie that they spoof and add porn to... The thought of comedy mixed with porn intrigued me....so I decided to check out one of the nominated features based on my favorite show (which won the AVN 2010 best parody award)

Not the Cosby's XXX

Hustler Video (available on http://www.sitcums.com/ )

Director Will Ryder

Starring Tori Black, Jenny Hendrix, Misty Stone, Lana Violet, Sarah Vandella, Jaelyn Fox, Melody Nakai, Cassidy Clay, Nina Devon, Monica Foster, Tyler Knight, Danny Mountain, Jay Ashley, Tee Reel, Dick James, Thomas Ward, Scott Lyons

I decided not to be bias and open my mind to different types of porn. And I was assured (via the previews) that  "Claire and Cliff" wouldnt be doing the kids. LMAO! As long as that didn't happen..I was cool. What was so funny was the guy playing the "Cliff" character looked SO MUCH like  Bill Cosby it was distractingly funny....everyone else..not so much. The "Theo" dude was fat...The "Sandra' chick was weird looking...and well.."Rudy" was kinda old  (of course old..but..we talking maybe late 30's..LMAO!).

I couldnt focus on the porn scenes without being distracted by the bad acting and even worse wigs (LMAO!). The porn scenes were alright. I got bored halfway through (maybe the "plot" was a bit too much).  The thought of a fat Theo getting down with one of Cliff's "pregnant" patients is just..unnerving.  LMAO!



Hmm..not sure how I feel mixing porn with comedy. While most porn is hilarious, Im not sure I liek the diliberate use of comedy infused with my porn. Just give me a regular old "gonzo" movie anyday. If you like parody, you may like it. I was not amused. I felt like they were giving a big ol cumshot on an treasureed American gem in television. Some things just don't need to be messed with. (The sad part is...there is a part 2 to this bullshit...LMAO!)


If you want to laugh...I def tell you all to get it..watch it..and shake your head. IF you like your porn straight..no chaser (like me), then this "genre" isnt for you.

I give this movie 1.5 out of 5 stars.

April 28, 2010

Philosophy: Poems

If God is Love
And I dont believe in love anymore...
Does that make me an atheist?

If God has yet to be proven to exist
And God is Love...
Does that mean love has yet to be proven to exist as well?

If faith without works is dead..
And I'm supposed to walk by faith..and not by sight?
Am I unfaithfully blind and lazy?

If faith is the substance of all things unseen...
and I have to have faith in God...and I lack faith
Do I lack substance?

If you are told to take all your problems to God
Yet you can't question God
Whats the point of having a conversation? That's question and answer.

Just because I allowed you to "insert" yourself in me
Doesn't give you the right
To "insert yourself" in my personal life.

My reaction to rejection is loathing
But when I loathe I lose
When I'd rather just be losing the rejection

If you say I'm a perfect woman
Yet you want to use me for substitute?
Wouldnt you say I'm just the perfect substitute?

April 27, 2010

It's Still a Lie



Why tell a lie when you don’t have to? What makes you think a lie of omission isn’t a lie?

It's STILL a lie.....

Scenario 1:

I think I told you all about the dude I met via the dating website. We didn’t work out. Actually, his behavior turned from positively weird and strange to downright disrespectful. All he did was text and never call. He was VERY cheap which made me think he had a cheapened view of women (and me in particular).  I did some cyber-snooping and realized dude had a girlfriend the whole time. (Actually, It wasnt even difficult to find because social networks tell EVERYTHING.) Even took her on a Caribbean trip to his “homeland”. I found it strange that his page said “in a relationship”. When asked what that meant, he said “Oh just to ward off folks”. Trust me I wasn’t dumb and sort of fed dude out of a long-handled spoon afterwards. Recently, he decided to contact me via text (he never called always texted which was also strange and disrespectful and lacked social couth)... We hadn’t interacted or talked since November of last year. He said he missed me (huh?) …wanted to see me...do lunch. I said very curtly “I’m busy” because I was no fool and realized dude must be between chicks right now. He was like “Ok”. I said. “So how was the trip with your girlfriend?” He goes “The trip was nice but I don’t have a girlfriend”. Funny…because I went to your social networking page and found that he went from “in a relationship” to “single”. He goes (in response to the change in status on his wall) “I don’t like being single”. He had his friends lamenting saying stuff like “Oh you never did like being single” and “Oh...when you two visited b4 the trip...It seemed to be going well”… AND the kicker “You are a nice guy...you will find someone and won’t be single for long”

*Blank Stare*

BOOM!

BUSTED!

What the FUGG???? Didn’t I ask you first hand if you had a girlfriend? In a relationship? You vehemently denied. For what??? Be honest, patna. *smh* AND then to lie again to my face and say “Oh I didn’t take a trip w/ my girlfriend”. Ninja…if lies were dividends…you’d be a millionaire! *smh* I never wanna talk to dude again.

Scenario 2:

I was pretty good friends with a guy for about a year. We had a lot of commonalties and I actually dug him had a sort of crush on dude and we flirted. BUT...being that he lived out of state...I was like “Eh…he’s such a NICE GUY! I should hook him up w/ my friends who could benefit from meeting a nice guy”. I tried to hook him up w/ two of my friends. One...they didn’t hit it off. The second, they seemed to have good report. I actually met guy one summer he visited ATL. I was like...”Oh he’s so cute!!” and I even had the notion of thinking...”Hmm…damn...kind of fly”. Well…when I asked dude was he in a relationship, he goes…”Oh no...I got “understandings”” meaning “folks who kick it with”. That’s cool if you are single. Fast forward months later (as in last March), I’m on –line peeping for pics of a trip he went to and I read something weird in his timeline. He said “No...this is just a trip...broom jumping is next trip”. I see another comment from him replying to someone saying “No…just a month away. Registered at…..”



*sschhreeeechhh*

Broom Jumping??? WTF! Come to find out, dude was getting MARRIED. Had been engaged the entire time…but acting like he was as single as can be. I didn’t really feel bad for me (my emotions are fleeting). I felt bad for trying to hook his corny, lying ass up with my sweet, nice home girls. They def didn’t deserve to be his last hoorah. His attitude was quite nonchalant when confronted. Something to the effect of “I had my reasons for not telling you”. What reason other than trolling for ass and being a terrible FRIEND above all else is a reason to NOT tell someone you getting married? Not only that no way I would have flirted with someone like that in a relationship OR hooked him up (but I’m sure that was part of the reason he didn’t tell…..). I felt sorry for his fiancĂ© because she probably had no clue (then again…we turn a blind eye at times…) I do wish his marriage well.........



These two scenarios (and countless others I didn’t even start to talk about…we’d be here all day) point out the same premise. There isn’t a reason to lie when the truth is a hell of a lot more liberating. The truth would have gotten both guys further. In Scenario 1, I could have kept a respectful distance from dude and realize his cheap behavior was probably because he had a chick to take care of. In Scenario 2, I literally lost a person who could have been a great friend and we could have been celebrating a joyous occasion.. (and I buy BOMB wedding gifts).  Instead, he’s now branded big ass liar who is a narcissistic sociopath. Keeping a secret is a lie. Omitting the truth about whom and what you are is a lie. All you are doing is hurting yourself and the next person in your midst. There is no reason to tell a lie in either of those situations. We still could have been good friends. I’d appreciate having a friend more than a booty call. I really dont even have a lot of male friends for this reason. I literally only have 3...that never tried me ever. And they are good, honest folks.

All these lies….all these liars. I find it quit hard for me to be truthful to others and expect the same in return. I find it hard to even believe what people are saying. Furthermore, it makes it hard to trust a species of creature, your supposed mate biologically, if they want to think with their d*cks and not their heads. Little head will lead Big head to hell in a heartbeat. Little head will break some chick’s heart if they do all the thinking.

I’ve decided now that people don’t want to hear the truth. They would rather be walking illusions that reek of dishonest behavior. I don’t think I want to be that person but at the same time, I’m back to being closed up and sheltering my heart.



Since being divorced…I hate to say it but.

I am coming VERY close, dangerously close, to hating disliking men. I mean really, from the depths of my soul hating disliking men to the point that I don’t want them to even talk to me. I don’t want them to even SPEAK to me. I don’t want them to look my damn direction. Just keep it moving, brother. I’m not bitter. I am just…distrustful and don’t want to be open to lobe because they have NO IDEA how to be trustworthy and loving. They don’t love you enough to tell the truth. They don’t even love themselves enough to tell the truth.

As my Mama says “A lie don’t care who tells it”

Ain’t that the truth?

April 26, 2010

Don't Put Baby in a Corner

I was talking to someone and we were joking around. I was watching the NFL draft and commenting on the draft (Yeah...I watch football...so…yeah...basically I’m the world's most perfect woman...LMAO. Might as well get a ring on it now...) and the comment went to how good looking the dudes were.
I said (jokingly): “Oh yeah…I’m a winner. I’m on my draft sight hard. Dudes better recognize.”

Dude goes: “Funny thing is, you’ll probably wind up with some artistic or roots and berry type dude that don’t even watch football”

Me: “Uhmm...I doubt that. Not liking football is non-negotiable. I don’t trust dudes who don’t watch sports. And don’t but Baby in a corner……I’m diverse w/ my men…”

Dude said: “Yeah...a dreadlock wearing, chew sticks eating, no pork tasting, poetry writing brutha who calls you “queen”. You’ll be watching the game and he’ll be going to a cipher...”

Me: “My ex husband was that dude. But...he also watched football all day long. Like I said...non-negotiable”

Dude (quite sardonically says): “Then you didn’t have that did you? There are good guys who don’t even like football. Maybe you need to expand the dating pool and don’t be so restrictive. Who knows where love lies?”



*sigh*



Let’s talk about how you won’t put Mocha in the corner with regards to my love life. I don’t fit in a mold. So what makes you think I even stick to some kind of “formula” or stereotype when it comes to dating? And who are you to stereotype someone with locs? Guess what? Black people are not a monolith. We are so varied. So because I fit the mold “looks” wise I am supposed to end up with a dude who’s like M-1 from Dead Prez or something? (I love Dead Prez BTW…) That’s not true.

There are many professional guys (in IT, engineering, etc) who have locs and who aren’t even into those “stereotypical” hippie type behaviors. I don’t fit any stereotype. And who is anyone to say who or what kind of guy I’d end up with? Or what kind of man is best for me?

I love men. Especially black men and their diversity. I can love a very conservative guy (and I have) and I can love a liberal (and I have). I can love a dude w/ a fade and I can love a guy with locks (although for the sake of argument I am sort of trying to get people to STOP trying to hook me up w/ dudes with locks… and be diverse) Ultimately, It doesn’t matter to me. How successful we are as a couple isn’t based on superficial things. But basing who I’ll be with based on my intellect and look isn’t putting me in a corner. And no one puts Mocha in a corner.

I was highly offended by that exchange. It was as if….people don’t think I can end up with a certain type or even class of man. Or I am just relegated to a certain kind of man. That isn’t fair to me and that’s totally closed minded thinking. There is no perfect man but I do believe in a perfect balance. Liberal in some areas...conservative in others. Earthy yet intelligent. Loves sports yet loves romance. That man does exist…and just like me...he won’t be put in a box…and he’ll open his mind and heart to me.





But not liking football……regardless…is not negotiable!  :)

April 23, 2010

Brain Dump: Haikus

Kiss me good night, babe
Tell me I’m the only one
Even if it’s lies


Ceiling fan turning

On a hot summer morning

We only wear sheets



He’s in love with me

Yet he shouldn’t be at all

Left-hand …ring finger



I listen to Soul

Records on my Ipod and

Think about old loves



I can’t keep writing

Love haikus about a love

That doesn’t exist



Maybe it’s my hair

..my weight..or my skin color

That keeps them away





While I ride this high

Nothing can bring me down..but

Knowing I’m alone



Southern heat..humid

Makes me think of sex..sweaty sex

Rubbing ice right there.



Balancing…tight rope

Trying to stay above it

Cannot hit the ground

April 22, 2010

One Day It'll Get Easier



Today would have been our 4th anniversary as husband and wife.




In 4 years..I had hoped to be pregnant with baby #1...or had her by now. (Oh yes..I was conviced it was going to be a girl despite my desire to have a boy). I had names picked out and everything. Yellow and pale green and chocolate brown... nursery colors (sounds ugly..but would have worked). I wanted to be in a rocking chair...on maternity leave..nursing my baby.



In 4 years...I would have been settled in our home....putting my finishing touches on it......making it cozy.



4 years...........so much "what if". And still unanswered questions as to why my best friend had to break my heart...or why we had to end up being apart...to be better friends. We are truly better friends.



Had we stayed married..would we have been happy? Would I have strayed? Would he have stayed? Would I be able to achieve some goals that have yet to allude me? Would we have gone through all that drama?





I miss my mother-in-law. My grandmother-in-law. I dont even call them. What can I say to them? They hate me. Maybe not me..but they hate what happenned to us. I told my MIL what happened and all she could tell me to do was "pray". I shoulda "prayed harder". Would praying harder have kept him focused...not straying? Actually.........it's for the best I don't talk to her.




I was hoping by this point it would get easier. But I still remember..the night I got engaged..our first car trip....our wedding day (and night).....happier times...our first fight...and the courthouse.......it doesnt get easier. The sting is just lessened by the fact that it's all resolved and gone.
 
4 years...still doesn't get easier.
 
 
Lord knows I'm trying....
 
 
 
But...I'm trying.

April 21, 2010

And The Winner Is.....

I am proud to announce the winner of our FIRST Giveaway on Sex and the Southern Belle.

The winner of  the Tracy Lynn $30 Gift Certificate is.......

H. Smith





YEAH!!! Congratulations!! I absolutely loved your answer as to how Traci Lynn would add sparkle/glamour to your wardobe. :

How would Traci Lynn Jewelry add sparkle and glamour to your wardrobe?” Traci Lynn Jewelry would add sparkle and glamour to my wardrobe because I feel 'settled' in my marriage. I feel as if I have to dress matronly. On a random day I appear as if I should be getting a shake in the old Chevy and preparing to do the twist (long skirts, ponytail, shirts to the neck). T.L. jewelry would bring me into the new millenium where I'd feel fashion forward, fun, and flirty. Traci Lynn jewelry is just what I need in my life.

 I could totally relate being married and trying to get out of the "style rut". I hope it helps you get your "groove" back style wise!!

Please contact me  in 3 business days with your information and redeem your prize!

For those of you who entered the contest and subscribed to my YouTube, followed me on Twitter, etc....THANK YOU!  If you didn't win this time...don't give up! More giveaways are coming VERY soon!

And...please... visit www.tracilynnjewelry.net/ErikaArtis to order a FABULOUS piece from the Traci Lynn Jewelry Collection.


Smooches!!!

April 20, 2010

The Cunning Linguist

There is someting about the fine art of conversation. A little face to face time. Wagging the tounge. Speaking in tounges. So much "conversation' that sounds become inaudible. But there's a lot of talking.


Samantha : ...Going down, giving head...

Carrie : ...Eating out...

Miranda : I never understood that. Shouldn't it be "eating in"?- Sex and the City
 
 
 
 
 
 
There have been songs and odes to giving head. Uhm. That's great. But let's talk about that all important art of the "Love Snacking" also known as cunniligus.

Men may think they are superb lovers if they are dicking you down like crazy. But if you have no skills as a "cunning linguist", then you might as well pack your bags and leave.  Women aren't built like men. We  have nerve endings and complex clitoral stimulation (which in part is why lesbians do this so much better..they are women and KNOW where to push the buttons). Even with that, every women isn't built the same.

There are some things that annoy me about bad "love snacking". First of all, the bad "snacker" always thinks they are the bomb.com. You get all hype and either it feels like they are tyring to give you a hysterectomy OR like a wet dog lapping you up. Neither one is cool. It just leaves a chick angry and mad and you dont even want the dingle afterwards. YOu sit and roll your eyes and say to yourself.."Damn dude..they got BOOKS for this stuff!!" and you can't get your nice little Vicky Secrets on fast enough.

But "GOOD" conversation....

*sigh*

*pause*

Sweet Jesus!! *does the Aunt Esther *Ha! Glory!* HATAMATTAA!!! (that's me speaking in tounges!....)



It will make your toes curl..your eyes roll in the back of your head and make you say dumb sh*t like...."I 'll bake you a cake!!"...or "Get me pregnant!!" (LOL) Yep..it's some powerful stuff when you use your thighs as his earmuffs and he can hear your thoughts through your vagina.

I can literally count on one hand...the number of men who were THAT skilled (If you are reading this..and thinking it was you..eh...it probably wasnt! LMAO). Those men had a certain, uhm, innate ability to tap into their willingness to please. First of all, they listened. Secondly, they took their time and spent a looooonnggggg time making sure you got yours. Lastly, I think they had a respect for the female body and were in tune with it. Like they studied it. Knew the ins and outs (no pun intended) and maybe even got a little scientific. God bless them for their dutiful research!

I think sometimes I'd rather have that than actual intercourse. It's more intimate in ways. With a woman, there is NO FAKING it (you can fake it with a dude..half ass lick and be done..but not with a woman). You have to get up close and personal. AND everyone isn't allowed in that space NOR do they want to share your space like that. If a man is too eager to do that and he does it to EVERY chick, that isn't making you special. It really is a special act and you should feel that way. You have to commit to it..and not be half-assed about it.

I am so thankful (in some ways) that times have changed and eating nookie is not as taboo in the black community as it once was. Folks say that (and giving head )was "white folks stuff" and we've moved past that and are able to open ourselves up to that. When rappers started bragging about their skills in the 90's, I knew times had changed.  Whats unfortunate, however, is that kids and teens treat oral sex like a regular kiss on the cheek. Uhm..it shouldnt be that casual.


But I digress...

I asked my male friends (and lesbian friends) what makes a woman even "lickable" and prime for "munching". And I got some funny quotes:

"For reals yo..I'm not playing in the secret garden if the grass aint cut. If a woman doesn't mow the lawn, then dont expect me to water the flowers"- Cap

"Change your diet up! Eat some fruit. You have to taste good..to keep me wanting more"- M.D.

"I just have to be into you..I mean REALLY into you. Every girl doesnt get that..."- T.A.

"I just watch a lota porn that's where I got my technique...she just has to be sexy, well-groomed, and smell good. The p*ssy has to smell good"- AJ (a girl)

"Just a general rule, whether it be cunnilingus or fellatio dont do it unless you are committed to the cause. Nobody wants lazy head..."- MJ


Like I said before, there are times that I JUST want that and nothing else. And...the dude can be on his way after he's done. Sometimes, you gotta be selfish. *shrug* But that means he has to be great. And for me, what makes a man great is a matter of "mind over matter". If he doesn't mind getting messy, then it doesnt matter. He has to truly love the taste of me(and him TELLING me how it taste..omg...serious turn on). He has to want to be down there for more than a minute...there has to be some tounge going all over and not relegaed to one place. He has to use a little "digital love" too (but not too much) And....

Well..I won't give away all of my "tells". Gotta keep a "poker face" :)


So Ladies, you tell me...what makes a man a "cunning linguist"?
 





*Note: Shout out to Vicky for the title! Thanks for the inspiration on the blog! LOL*

April 19, 2010

Open Relationships: The World's Oldest Running Joke

One of my friends, Dani, asked me "So Mocha, what do you think about Open Relationships? You should blog about it"

So....I will oblidge her (cause she asked nicely).


Open Relationships are a complete misnomer. How can you be “open” when a relationship implies exclusivity? A relationship is a commitment between two people. Not you and a multitude of other people. Truthfully, do they even work? I have yet to meet a couple who have an open relationship that works. At some point, someone will catch feelings and feelings will be hurt.


I think people who say they want an open relationship are one of two things 1) scared and 2) greedy. A truly scared person wants an open relationship for fear of being committed and then being hurt. If there is no commitment, then they can’t get hurt by someone “without a title”. That person means nothing to them and they can dismiss emotions. It allows a person to hide behind a wall of constant fear and loathing of something that is truly unknown-opening their emotions up to something greater than themselves.

The second type of person who loves an “open” relationship is just greedy. They love having options. They love not running up in the same thing day in and day out. It allows you to cheat without any of the guilt. You have no fear and no desire for accountability of your actions. They think monogamy is boring. Monogamy, truly, is what you make it. It only is boring if you allow it to be. Saying you are in an “open” relationship just gives you all the benefits of exclusivity without the “hassle” of being committed. IF you feel commitment is a hassle, then you don’t need to be with anyone at all.

I’ve been aware of many people who have tried, yet failed at having a successful open relationship. Someone got hurt. Someone got pregnant. Someone wanted exclusivity…and not necessarily with them. I think that’s the part that stung the most. It’s like the movie 500 Days of Summer. She wanted nothing but fun and being open. HE wanted love. Yet, she decided to have love…just not with them. Often times, this is how those fun, exciting “open” relationships end- an absolute mess.



Would I participate in an open relationship? I’m not sure. I’m not sure if emotionally I could handle that. I don’t want to be someone’s option instead of their priority. When I hear men tell me “I want something open”, that means they are just looking for “fun” and not “the one”. I don’t have time to play those games. And I certainly don’t have time to develop feelings only to be hurt in the end.

Open relationships are a lost cause. And everyone ends up losing. You get cheated out of love and faithfulness. You lose the comfort and warmth in knowing that someone is going to love you and only you. You end up losing out on what could be great for selfish reasons.

I may not want love right now. I may have locked my heart up and be really off of relationships right now. I may not even get married again. But an “open” relationship isn’t a viable option for me. It may sound cool and modern. But for this “modernly traditional adventurous girl”…that isn’t for me.

Leave the “open relationships” for celebrities with money who are just as disillusioned as the concept. It's a total joke.

Try open your heart to something more.

April 18, 2010

Feeling/Not Feeling

Feeling

  • Martinis (esp. lemon martinis)
  • being Southern
  • ATL in the summer time. (Really is gorgeous)
  • pulling my locs during sex
  • nude lipgloss
  • netflix
  • sleeping in the summer in just a t-shirt on jersey sheets
  • "private" piercings (I dont have one though! LOL)
  • The return of Dr. Dre w/ Detox
  • Adam Lambert's album (he has vocal chops)
  • french pedicured toes
  • getting into the PhD program...(this should be #1. Highlight of my week...my month...my season!)
  • Glee
  • Facebook (still dig it)

Not Feeling

  • Tea Party aka Tea Baggers (LOL) and the wack movement.
  • paying this rent SOLO (I need a live-in lover just to pay the rent.)
  • frequent masterbation (that's just sad.....LOL)
  • People thinking everyone in ATL is gay
  • tounge piercings on dudes (now THAT is gay.....)
  • unrequited crushes *sigh*
  • Chris Brown's career in the toilet
  • Outkast delaying their album....once again
  • Myspace buying IMEEM
  • going on 8 months w/no sex....yep...I'm over it.
  • people worrying about why I dont have XYZ or ABC.
  • people faking sophistication.. You are two steps beyond the hood your damn self.
  • Tiny and Toya
  • sleeping in a t-shirt in the summer.....solo.

April 14, 2010

Mowing the Lawn

It's SPRING!!!

Flowers are in bloom... April showers feel and smell so fresh...the sun is warm against our cocoa colored skin...pollen is in full effect...and it can only mean one thing:

Time to do some yard work!

Trim the hedges...mow the lawn....pick the weeds....and most importantly..GET A BRAZILIAN WAX!



*sigh*


Ah yes...Spring signals that all important time in MY grooming timeline. Before I pull out a single skirt, I have to tidy up. Long gone are winters were a little more hair than normal is cool (Don't get me wrong..I do NOT go full African/Amazonian Bush woman..just not as low as usual.) Therefore, it's time to trim the hedges, clean the leaves out the yard, and get a brazilian wax. The beach is calling me...and hopefully..potential "summer boos".

 Call me a saddist, but I do mine myself. Oh yes..I do my OWN waxes.  I'm gangsta. I have a waxing kit that I love..then I follow up with a special bikini clipper. When I have the chance to splurge, I head to my favorite Indian waxer named Nita who hooks me up and makes me smoother than a baby's ass. Yes it hurts! Yes it itches when it grows back..but in the meantime..sweet relief!  Oh yes..I LOVE brazilian waxes.

While the end result is sometimes looking like a pre-pubescent 12 year old girl, the joy and smile it brings on the face of your kinkiest freak is priceless.  Most men are quite appreciative of the brazilian. It's like the "naughty thing" a girl could to to herself (well..aside from nipple and clitoris peircing...LOL). It's as if you served them a steak on platinum china. A brazilian wax means you took the time to make it pretty for him and make the access easier. Who has time to find your "love button" under a mound of nappy dugout? Not cool

 My ex husband, however, wasnt that big a fan of the "bare" look. His argument: "I wanna look at a WOMAN...not a kid". So I would trim down for him most times and not go totally bare...but when summer time came..all bets were off...bare i went! And i felt so much better for it! *Ahhhh!* It was like she was thanking me for breathing!!  Hair was cutting off her fabulousness! Of course, this didn't stop him from doing his thing (LOL)..but he would make a scrunched up face and say.."I like a "fuller" look".... Ah...to each his own.

There are great pluses (and few negatives) in having a Brazilian wax:
1) It makes the love snacking MUCH easier....
2)It makes the love snacking much..MUCH more pleasurable (and easier). Can we say: Cookie Monster?.
(Hahaha!! Cookie Monster free-basing dough onFamily Guy! Trust me..your man WILL be that way! LOL)


3) It makes the love snacking MUCH MUCH.......(well..you get the point!)
4)It's smooth and in summer with all that heat..reduces funky and sweaty labias (LMAO)
5) It's sexy...it's neat...it's clean....and did we mention the love snacking????

Two negatives: (well..3)
1) It HURTS like a biatch! You better have some nerves of steel!
2) Growing back is NO FUN..the itchies are insane and the stubble isn't pleasant when you are love snacking OR engaging in the act.
3) Often times it can be VERY expensive....(unless, you are like me., and Gangsta! LMAO!)

Now..if you are not brave enough to go "full Brazilian"...then just do a bikini wax....edge it up..get a design...landing strip....carve dude's initals in it (LOL)...whatever. All I'm saying is..unless you just are an ultra feminist that doesnt believe in ANY type of grooming. you gotta do something to your hedges before they get watered (LOL).

Also...waxing is not only for women! MEN! Shave that forest that's hiding what you call a "Zulu Staff"! We dont need to be choking like a cat with a furball when we wanna "rock the microphone". Not cool! You dont have to go as far as waxing (cause that might be slightly gay)..but every brother I know owns a pair of Wahl clippers. So get to cutting!

Trust me...your man (or woman..) is going to THANK you for it!

April 11, 2010

NSFW: The Weekly Porn Review

..is all abut "orgies"

We are featuring:
TT Boy's Orgy World Brown and Round  9
Released: 2006
Director T.T. Boy



Starring Misty Stone, Nicole, Mone Devine, Angie, Pursuajon, Kina Kai, Raven Sky, Kaleah, Fantasy, Janae Foxx, Sensious, Oakland, Sensous


I got this DVD in a box given to me by my friend (who for all purposes shall remain nameless..but I'm sure she's reading this! LOL)..  Her husband's cousin (I think) was cleaning out the porn and he had (what she said) was garbage bags full and she sent me several  DVDs (of course after she, admittely, got all the good stuff).. I really appreciated it. Between the internet and her stashes she gave me (Oh she also gave me some as a wedding gift..LMAO!), I really didn't have to buy porn for the rest of my life (Yep..it's that much! LOL).

Now, I will preface this by saying I am NOT into orgies. I mean, if it's a threesome or something in a scene, I can tolerate it. But the thought of an actual party going on with people doing the do is kinda hard to swallow (no pun intended..LOL). I just feel it's just too many penises and boobs in one place.

I watched it because honestly, the packaging was appealing. The people looked attractive and I figured it couldnt be bad...


Boy was I wrong..

First of all, it was hosted by the rapper YuckMouth. Where they find that ninja at, is beyond me! Secondly, it was noisy as hell, It looked like a rap video exploded and wouldnt turn off. The women were in cheap, terrible outfits with awfully applied makeup and raggedy weaves.I had never heard of any of these chicks in my life. Like none looked familiar. I did recognize some of the men (Brian Pumper, Lex Steele....) Some of the chicks were far too overweight to be trying some of those positions (Nothing against my big sisters...but cmon son!! *throws up the Ed Lova sign!*) It was way too  much cellulite and baby oil. There are also always more men than women...I guess that's the rules to that kind of stuff...I wouldn't know! *shrug* But I think it's totally LAME and unrealsitic for some chick to rubbing one out ALONE on a couch is just.....well...it' .ridiculous. *smh*

Also, there was one broad. OMG! How LOUD (and ugly) was she!! It was like she was being murdered or attacked! It got to the point where others in the room started LAUGHING..... I was like..Are they laughing? LMAO! Then..when she gave head..it was like..SUPER juicy (Note: I am an advocate of the "sloppy copy"...but homegirl was wayyyyy too sloppy). It wasnt even appealing. It was like frothy like the top of a beer (*gag*).  That was utterly disgusting dude. She truly needed to work on that.... I mean..if I was a "porn coach"...(Hmm...*thinking*. I could become one and just make it my job! LOL) I'd give her some tips on controlling the "frothy" buildup. It was like she had cotton mouth! *barf*
 
As an alternative to this movie..if you are into orgies..I would recommend: Black Ass Orgy 4 (you can view it via that link) Much more balanced. Much more attractive people and a variety (although there is sitll baby oil and cellulite...we don't have that level of loudness...still loud..but not GHETTO loud) AND..it's not too long. (The other movie was well over an hr..and there is only so much of that you can take!)
 
 
However, I give this joint 2.5 out of 5 stars. *thumbs down* I really don't think I'd pull that one out again...

April 10, 2010

New Age Pick Up Lines: A Poem

New Age Pick-Up Lines


What if we could be honest in what we wanted?
Upon first encounter?
What would you say?
Could you?
Would you?

Look, I want money
You want food and pussy
So...
Let's make a deal.

Im not trying to commit
I dont want to get married.
Let's just f*ck and live together.

I dont need no man!
I'm an indepenedent woman
But..
I'll call you when my BoB gets old and tired.

These b*tches ain't shit
All these hoes want is your money
Imma pimp till I die.
But at night...I cry myself to sleep
I just want to be held.

I just want to have a baby
You seem like your genes might be a good fit
Do you have good credit?

Why are we wasting times with dates?
I'm just taking you out
To get in those jeans.
So when you giving it up?

I really have a girl at home
I'm just weighing out my options
Seeing what's out there
Maybe I'll get something out of it.

I'm married
But I dont want to be
I dont have the courage to leave
But I dont have the courage to be honest
Can you  just hold me?

I fear commitment
I can't say I will be faithful to you ever
But I will love you
Can you accept that?


I'm looking for my father

I'm looking for my mother.

My children need a father.

I want to learn to love.

I want to learn to love less

I'm looking for the space for the hole in my heart

I'm looking for nothing

I'm looking for everything.

Are you my everything?



What if we could be honest in what we wanted?
Upon first encounter?

What would you say?
Could you?
Would you?

I dare you.

April 9, 2010

Feeling/Not Feeling


Feeling
  • stillettos
  • PJ Morton
  • Jeopardy (watch it EVERY single night)
  • NFL bodies (tight ends, d-backs, ...not "The Fridge")
  • honesty
  • First kissies
  • caramel colored skin (and brown skin in general)
  • having locs
  • sex on the dining room table (*looks over at my table. That hasn't happened yet....LOL*)
  • creative first dates
  • orange soda
  • the color red
  • big butts (I covet them cause I want one...LOL)
  • Kindles
  • Nicki Minaj's Barbie Necklace (I want one that says MOCHA *wink* )

Not feeling

  • debt (esp the kind not created by you i.e. "divorce debt" )
  • terrible dancers
  • sloppy kisses
  • pollen in ATL
  • not having orange soda on a diet
  • the dating scene
  • the South being the only place you can get a proper glass of iced tea
  • KFC trying to kill the community with this bullshit
  • men with skin color/hair texture  preferences
  • people who don't read books
  • fucked up teeth
  • Nicki Minaj's rapping style
  • dudes who sweat TOO MUCH during sex (and grunt with it for that matter)

April 8, 2010

Mama's Baby...Daddy's Maybe

I know a girl

She puts the color inside of my world

But she's just like a maze

Where all of the walls are continually changed

And I've done all I can

To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands

Now I'm starting to see

Maybe it's got nothing to do with me



Fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

So mothers, be good to your daughters too



Oh, you see that skin?

It's the same she's been standing in

Since the day she saw him walking away

Now I'm left

Cleaning up the mess he made



So fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

So mothers, be good to your daughters too



Boys, you can break

You'll find out how much they can take

Boys will be strong

And boys soldier on

But boys would be gone without the warmth from

A womans good, good heart



On behalf of every man

Looking out for every girl

You are the guide and the weight of her world



So fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

So mothers, be good to your daughters too

- John Mayer "Daughters"

Most men say they don't want a woman with "daddy issues"- a tumultuous relationship with her father or father figure that leaves her scarred and hurt by men. But...sometimes there is no way around it and it's absolutely unavoidable. It's a matter of  just being understanding about the relationship or lack thereof. I thought about this post as I dusted off a book called "Whatever Happened to Daddy's Little Girl" that I found in my book collection. It was an excellent look at the impact of fatherlessness and black women.  I wasn't abandoned by my dad to be raised by a single mother. My father wasntWell..my father was what you call "present yet invisible".

My story:

I'm not what you call a "Daddy's Girl". I'm not the apple of my father's eye.  He never smothered me with kisses, bouncing me on his knee and when he tried to be affectionate, it felt forced mostly and I'd tense up. I'm not his favorite because I am the (presumed) baby.    I can't call him and talk about anything (although he says I can) because he's extremely terse and judgemental. We never did any father/daughter time (because he felt that we should do what HE was interested in..and not the other way around)  and, actually, our first father/daughter dance was on my wedidng day (which almost didn't happen due to his temper and blow-ups. over absolute bullshit.).  Yep, I'm none of that to him. I really don't remember anything about my father before the age of 8 because he was in the service. Truth was, he and my mother had seperated and he was "getting his sh*t togehter".

My father, all 6 foot 3 of him, is a big and ever present man. A former cop and army sargent, he ruled our house, and relationships in it, with an iron fist. Sometimes that fist would connect to my mother's face or bullied my brother. I sort of blocked out the years of age 8 to about 13 because I really don't remember any happy times. I remember my father, although very hardworking, being laid off a few times. He drank. He beat my mother (although she has amnesia now...but my brother remembers too). He yelled at me and my brother. He never thanked my mother for her sacrifices when he was under or not employed and she, being disabled herself, made tremendous sacrifices to keep us afloat. Eventually, my brother, tormented by his own feelings, left our home quickly when he turned 19.  Between being isolated in school and feeling small at home, what was there to celebrate.  He felt he could live by his own rules. Although my parents have been married well over 30 years, I dont think there was a single year he was faithful to her. He made many kids outside of the marriage, including a supposed "sister" that is exactly one monh to the day older than me. I didn't feel special as he tried to force a relationship with me and this "girl" that I felt shoulda been a cumstain or swallowed.. I remember at age 8 asking him "Why didnt you use a condom?" (trust me..I was pretty smarty then) and he just laughed. I didn't even blink nor find it funny. Absolutely unapologetic, he even posted pictures of the bastards around our home. It was a slap in my mother's face that was more hurtful than any physical slap he could have placed on her little 5 foot frame. Emotional slaps.

I say my father learned all of this as a "generational thing". You see, my Grandfather also ruled his home the same way, and in turn, so did his sons. Being mean to women. Being deadbeats (which I learned from cousins I befriend via the magic of Facebook) and most of all, being sexually irresponsible. I really don't know any kid my age or older that doesnt have a dad who has at least one outside kid somewhere or is a part of some man's ever growing brood of kids. Unmarried mothers. Abandoned kids. And families torn apart.

A lot of focus is placed on the importance of fathers in the lives of black men. I argue that it is equally important to black women. Dont just be IN the house, do something while you are there.  Be an example of the kind of man she should seek out. Paying bills and keeping the lights on is the minimum duties of a father. My father didnt teach me what to expect of a guy just that if "he gets outa of line..I'll kill them".  For what if you are doing the same thing? He didn't teach me how to demand respect or for guys treat me like princess, because quite frankly, he was a  misogynist who really didnt know how to treat women.  So what kind of example could he give me? The example he gave me was : "Shut up. I'm a man. I pay the bills. So, I do what I want without any accountability because I am the MAN of the house". I think it's manhood wrapped up in false sense of black male bravado. "Maleness" doesnt come from anything phallic or physical. It comes in being emotionally vulnerable yet strong. I dont think I've ever heard my father apologize ONCE in my life. I've never seen him cry, not even when my older sister from his first marriage died in a tragic car accident (I'm not doubting that he cried).  Not even when I heard he and my mother arguing and him telling her "I told you to get an abortion".  I was 12 years old. I cried my eyes out.  You tell your wife to get an abortion? But not these other random bitches?

 I think this is why I am the way I am (and had therapist tell me the same crap for $100 an hour).  I push myself and overcompensate for everything. I am the consumate over achiever. Any sign of cheating or a HINT of cheating, I'm out the door.  Yell at me once, and I'm out the door. No guy has come close to being physical with me otherwise I'd be in jail for murder.  I hardly deal w/ a man with kids (and def. not more than one baby mama).  I am quick (and I do mean quick) to either cut a man off without warning  when they fuck up once or show signs or fucking up (like I did my husband) or give a guy 1000 chances (like I did my husband). This is also why the idea of "submission" was hard for me too. I def saw my father use it as a "doormat" and less of a "helpmate" despite my mother's constant need to people please (also a trait I get from my mother...but that's another post) and be a good wife. If submission had anything to do with that, I wanted NO parts of it. Where was the equality in any of this? . Conversely, I can be MEAN, angry, tense, cold, and sometimes totally unapologetic. I get that from him too. And I absolutely hate that. But at least I recognize that.

 I remember having this huge fight before I got married and yelling "My husband will be NOTHING like you!" and my father smirked.... and boy, I was right about that...and wrong about that. I couldn't even talk to my dad after the divorce.  I felt like HE had won.  I fell into my mother's arms when I found out about my husband and had decided to file for divorce. He was angry I got divorced. Not because of what my ex husband did to me or that his baby was hurt. It was about the $4000 he spent on the reception.  He tried to ask how I felt but how could it come off as genuine when you brought up money? In his old age and more secure employment, he had become a total tightwad and selfish with the dollar.  I got mad and said.."If you want the money back..I'll pay you back every dime". My mother told me "Dont you dare...."

I will say after I married and moved out on my own, the relationship with my father is better but it truly wont be as close as it should be ever.  I try to reach out but then I realize me and my father truly have nothing in common. I get jealous when I hear about girls having great relationships with their dads. I truly wanted that. But I feel like now it's entire too late. He's 60. I'm 31. I'm grown. How long can I blame him for my issues with men? Had I been any weaker, I could have easily turned to drugs or prostitution or something.  Instead my drug is picking emotionally and sometimes physically unavailable men. Pushing myself to the breaking point of achievment and goals. Just pushing..and pushing..and not wanting to look back..


I've tried to think about the positive attributes of my dad and the bad always outweight the good. He's great with cars, fixing things around the house, yardwork and can make anything. That's about it. And that's so sad to me. I cant say "He's gentle and kind" or.."He's understanding and makees me feel special". THOSE are the attributes I seek in a mate, the things he lack....mixed with the few positive things he has. And it seems damn near impossible. Now here I am...divorced and terse and unfeeling... torn between .wanting love..and feeling like I don't need it...and I can relate this all back to being 8 years old...and just wanting my Daddy to hold my hand and say "Baby, it's gonna be alright".I can only hope that my daughter (or son) get the positive experience of having a good male role model in their lives. And that the man isnt just THERE....he's there doing something.

So...you tell me how important is a father's relationship with his daughter? VERY.... Dont let her be set up to be "that girl" dudes avoid with the "daddy issues" that cant keep a man....get a man....or scares them off.

Don't let them turn into me.... (whatever that is)

Just don't.

(Damn..this was the realest sh*t I ever wrote......Thank you Heavely Father for allowing that to flow from my fingers to this page!)

April 7, 2010

When Somebody Loves You Back

I'm tired.
I'm tired and I feel nothing.
Void.
Vacant.
No Occupants reside here.

There I said it...I'm burnt out from men and all things pertaining to them.: relationships, sports, Home Depot, beer, cars (LOL)

I've adopted this new attitude.

Why love a group of men, of people, who don't want to love you back? Who choose not to love you back? OR you aren't loving them the way THEY thing is right..although you are trying your very best?  It's so much easier to just be with someone you actually despise, maybe even downright loathe and someone who especially is emotionally unavailable. WHY? Because you feel NOTHING. At the end of the day, you can walk away and feel nothing if they hurt you. Then againt, it'll be an attempt at hurting you. Because as we stated before, you can't feel....

Steve Harvey, Hill Harper and Sherri Shepard (of all people..hmpf) are doing a panel in Atlanta for ABC Night Line news this Friday (airing TBD ) to talk about why successful black women are single.  It's actually around the corner from my house. I'm  debating.....should I go??

*sigh*
*groan*

At this point, I could care less. I'm tired . Tired of talking,. Tired of being preached to..and being told I need to DO and BE XYZ to get a man.... I'm sorry..black women are NOT a monolith. How many panels and shit are you gonna do BEFORE we just say the hell with you and yours... I've already done it! And I wish other sisters would. And stay the fuck out my city too, dude!! ATL is not the damn place where single, black female souls go to die........(or turn lesbian). How about...things are the way it is...BECAUSE IT IS. You bastards don't have the answer....and I'm not listening. (Actually..I'm not listening NOR am I feeling anything.) Why? Because...

I'm numb

Now..some may say numbness is pain or complaceny. Nah. I'm TIRED. Period. Tired. Not angry. Not sad. Just..feel nothing.  I don't walk around with a visible scowl. I smile and I'm pleasant..but inside..I could care less. What a masquerade I lead!

Do I want to be loved? Maybe.  Do I want to fall in love again? Nope. (LOL). I dont think I do anymore. I dunno...I cant go on in live being heartless and unloving.  But also...I'm not the typical statistic: I've been loved. I've been married so I know how to be "wifely".  I've been educated and I'm smart. I've been idealistic and infatuated and sexy and all those things.....

Yet....here I am. Single. Totally single.

It's cool though I guess I'll have to just wait for the day that black men want to love us back. But I'm not holding my breath. No...I'm not bitter. I just....quite frankly..I dont give a damn, Scarlet! Im sick of the systematic oppression, depression , exploitation, and annihilation of the spirit, hope and dreams of black women in this country.


ABC  Nightline can suck my ovaries!

April 2, 2010

NSFW: The Weekly Porn Review

Actually.. this review is isn't about porn at all. It's more of a product review. It is about Condom Cases for Ladies.


In my search for a fab new white purse this season, I was looking through an old purse and found a condom. It was all old and shriveled up and deep down in the crevices of my purse. I had totally forgotten that it was even there. Which made me think of something I had seen in Essence magazine.: I need a condom holder.

Anyone who knows me knows I am totally obsessed with cases for my accessories. I have matching red cases for my Ipod, Blackberry, and my digital camera. (BTW...red is my fav color!)   Why should the man be responsible for protection? Why shouldnt I get a cute, fab and girly case for my condoms. I needed a few things in a condom holder:

1) it could hold more than one condom (Hey...might need more than one)
2) it needed to be cute and girly
3) it needed to be inexpensive.

Although I'm still on a "dry spell", I still wanted to be prepared for it "just in case". So why not be cute and discreet about it. I found the perfect ones at Just In Case...and it was red..AND it supported AIDS research and Youth Aids project.

Absolutely PERFECT! I can't wait to actually order one for myself!

I think all ladies should buy a cute little container.  Take charge of your protection needs...and be fab while you do it!

Smooches!



April 1, 2010

Crock Pot Chick in a Microwave World.

It's too many microwave b*tches in this world.

No...I'm not talking about moving fast...or going too fast or too modern (well..wait..I am). I mean actual chicks who know NOTHING of cooking but a damn microwave. I mean they may boil some water in a microwave for some instant ramen at that.

I am a  very southern girl (duh..hence the blog name). We are talking petticoats, easter hats, makeup, saying "Yes Ma'am" ...and most of all...knowing how to cook.  I was born and raised around aunts, cousins, a mother, grandmothers and GREAT grandmother (and even uncles/male relatives) who all knew how to THROW DOWN. And not just on some soul food (although that's our speciality) but they could master just about anything. At 5 years old, I was in my little matching apron, making pancakes and biscuits with my grandmother, having her sneak me the dough to eat..and cutting it with a battered tin biscuit cutter....etc. So it totally BAFFLES my mind that these broads nowadays dont know how to cook.

You can blame it on a lotta things. Modernity of the women's movement and backlash from the 1950's (shrug)...girls making more money therefore eating out more, MEN becoming better cooks. I dunno what the hell it is...but they arent cooking. Just a bunch of lazy, tricks. There is ALWAYS time for cooking, lady!. DVR some Food TV!

I won my ex husband over with a VERY classic Southern  meal his first time at my house: my "secret" marinated Fried Chicken, mac n cheese, candied yams, greens, cornbread, ox tails and for dessert....peach cobbler. He says to this day, he took one bite into my fried chicken and that joint was a work of art. Like crack! . He KNEW he had to marry me. My own mother (and Daddy) say that my fried chicken is better than hers. I take that as a HUGE compliment. There is an art to it (and no...I wont reveal my recipe.....). I didn't mind cooking for him.  I didn't find it taxing or a drag. I could be dog tired from work, and still cook...or warm up some left overs. Fixing his lunch everyday for work....etc. It gave me a great sense of WIFELY joy. It made me feel...well...womanly. (And add a cooking but naked in an apron and heels every now and then..you in there, money!)

Now did/does every dude get this treatment? HELLLL NO! I only cooked for a guy once we went out a few times and stuff. NO WAY was I cooking off the jump! That negro would NEVER want to go out to eat...he'd never want to leave my couch..eat all my food..and watch my U-Verse! Raggedy bama! It doesnt work like that. You dont get the treatment like that until we try and date exclusively. And I mean..we gotta lock it down. Truth me told..I tell dudes the same thing when I first meet them: "No..I dont cook. I'm not a great cook...I'm actually pretty terrible...." (LOL..white lie..but..it saves me hassle and my groceries)


Most women see cooking as a hassle and a chore.  It takes so long. It takes too much prep time.  I'm too busy. They figure if they can make one thing well..they are good. Uhm..FALSE.  Honey..tacos and burgers do not count. I dont feel that way.. I feel there is something absolutely orgasmic about cooking. I feel relaxed, I feel at ease. I love trying new things and experimenting. My inner fat girl is always satisfied. Furthermore, when you feed that meal to your man, and he takes that first bite, closes his eyes and smiles...that's better than any nut he can bust (OK..sorry..that was graphic! LOL...but you get my point! ) It's sexy!

How do these women expect to keep a man around ?(I know..says the divorced chick..BUT..that damn sure wasnt a reason for my divorce..that negro STILL comes by for a plate...LMAO!) How do they expect to put the CLANK CLANK on a dude and get him to lock it down and you rock some Tiffany and Co. ? Your good looks? Your pussy power? That can ONLY take you so far..and unless that dude is Donald Trump and just needs you for eye candy...it won't fly w/ a regular dude.  SHIT...you must be a fool to think a plate of dressing and greens won't get a man to commit! Uhm...it will. TRUST ME.

AND..this isnt to say a man can't share the duties of cooking for you every once and a while. I've had a few guys who cooked for me. One was EXCEPTIONALLY good....that was a huge turn on to me .Fellas...you are not immune either! You know who the SEXIEST man on TV is? G. Garvin? Why? Cause that big, thick hunk of chocolate desire knows the way to my inner fat girl...and can move his sexy ass all across my kitchen. If he gets spicey like that in the kitchen..lord knows he savors you in the bedroom.! *fans self* (Ok..that's an assumption..but I dont know a chick or dude who can cook..who isnt a terrible lover. I'm serious) HOWEVER, not to be a throwback, but.....I just dont feel it right that my man comes home from working all day long..and have to cook. Yeah you might worked longer hours..but cmon. What's the harm in fixing him the big piece of chicken? Furthermore, fix his plate sometimes. NO...you arent dude's slave..but it's a simple act of caring and pampering.

So put down the credit cards....back away from theLouboutins (I know..it's hard, girlfriend) ...pick up a G. Garvin /Paula Deen cookbook....and get your man, girl!

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