January 31, 2011

Unlimited Non-Options



At first I wasn’t gonna blog about all my dating adventures anymore. I mean, who wants to hear about this stuff.   Plus, I’m apprehensive now seeing as though I let people read it (what better way to get to know me huh? ) But…what the hell! You all want to know, you nosey bastards.

 And this is a blog about my dating adventures post divorce..And I need a place to binge and purge. This mental diarrhea has to go somewhere. I vowed to be honest..so here goes.

So upon advice of my friends who were successful and professional therapist (I have no shame in saying I consulted a therapist post-divorce, I think everyone should!), I decided to rejoin a few dating sites. I had joined some, as I said before, shortly after I got divorced but I didn’t really have many dates , met some straight up nutjobs, and I wasn’t ready. After my campaign to go on more dates fell short (and encountered more fools), I said the hell with it. I threw myself into school, work and getting myself together. But…I decided about 3 months ago to give more “reputable” sites a chance.   I don’t want to go into many details about who Ive met. Some great guys Some not so great. Since that time I’ve had a handful of first dates…some more memorable than others . Even a second date
Well…it’s nice that I have all these options. It's like being at a buffet....and not wanting to eat sh*t on it..

 But the truth of the matter is, there are unlimited NON-options.  Men with far too many children than I’d like. Men who are as old as my dad yet living like college students. Men who find my financial situation laughable.  Men who are kinda caught up in their own careers. Men who apparently have far too much time and too many choices. Men who are full of general rachetness.  Men who just wanna be friends-with-benefits. Men who seem like they get bored easily after a few weeks…days when they don’t get what they want.  Men I get excited about…but..I can tell aren’t mutually excited. But truthfully, I’m bored too.   I mean..I certainly cant be an option for them. I understand...things take time but..if you aren't communicative..then that leaves me the impression that I’m just something to ‘do”…a slot-filler. It’s an endless merry-go-round I’m on and I certainly wanna get off (the ride that is). I’m looking for the MUTUAL passion. I’m looking for the MUTUAL spark. …. But deep in my heart, I know none of this is going anywhere and it feels impossible to find. After a while, the communication stops. The needle on the record scratches.  The butterflies I feel just leave. After a while…I just keep it moving….back to life. Back to reality. High over….gotta come down.

I feel like I exert the effort. I’m the one who reaches out…who cares enough to want to get to know someone. It can’t be one-sided. Although passion fades quickly, I have to feel something.  Right now, I’m not. I want my palms to sweat..and my heart race. I want to actually do all these cutesy things I have planned for a potential partner but the more I try…the more the hope dies inside.

I sat in the hospital with my mother this week, trying to calm her nerves while she had a procedure w/ her heart done  (no worries..she’s fine). She held my hand and then she said “I just want you happy! I just want you to FEEL something. You don’t smile anymore. You’ve not mentioned anyone you’re seeing. You don’t even FEEL anything, baby??”  I had to hold back the tears. I actually had a date later that night and she was thrilled though I didn’t give her much details.  She just wants me happy (and some Grandkids…LOL) but I am having my own doubts. She’s right…I’m emotionally numb but at the same time…I couldn’t tell her that I have been the one doing all the feeling (as usual) while the dude(s) have been the ones fading.  And I don’t know if any of them are worthy of me mentioning them. Why waste my breath if the feeling isn’t mutual??(sigh) I’m not even sure what I’m doing anymore. It’s been almost 3 years since I got divorced and not one last, significant anything. It def isn’t due to a lack of trying on my part.

Valentine’s Day is around the corner. I’ve never been THAT big into the holiday but I also recognize that my love language is a tie which includes. receiving gifts and quality time. It’s been 3 years since I’ve done anything significant involving that day. It woulda been nice but….the thought of actually doing something romantic is fleeting to me. Quality Time? Not gonna happen. Gifts…Nintendo, please! (LOL).

So I end this blog with a song….something that epitomizes how I’m feeling right now.

Peace,

January 28, 2011

Feeling/Not Feeling

FEELING
  • Letting your guard down and opening your heart to something new.
  • School refunds! YES!
  • My class schedule this semester
  • My new "relationship state of mind" initiative and how my girlfriends are in in on it as well!
  • Exploring new restaurants new me
  • first kisses...always
  • Loreal HIP gel Eyeliner. I've tried em all...it's the best
  • Magazines. I still like to flip in a magazine
  • decorating my apartment. It' gonna look great really soon. Focusing on the living room and dining area.
  • unexpected gifts....
  • the idea of adoption or a sperm donor.
  • a full and stacked fridge. Im straight till end of Spring now :)
  • KINDLE! It's so awesome! Why didnt I get one earlier!
  • turning 32 in a few months
  • maybe i"ll have a Valentime that'll send flowers to my job
  • eloping. next time I am eloping. Straight up.

NOT FEELING
  • Letting your guard down and opening your heart to something new (lol)
  • Shit..maybe I wont have a valentine! *shrug*
  • Turning 32 in a few months....and not accomplishing what I wanted as of yet.
  • No black actors are nominated for any Oscars
  • Sarah Palin not claiming responsibility for at least influencing the masses of crazy folks.
  • How wack Charlie Sheen is......drugs will kill.
  • Conrad Murray not claiming responsibility....
  • ..like working out. I really need to get it together.
  • whatever this  "vibe" is I give to dudes that turn them from "sweet" to "freak" in a matter of seconds
  • how the colors orange and purple look on me. Like a plum fool.
  • I wish I had fuller lips. *shrug*
  • my mama's health. Jesus just be a fence...
  • How the internet will tell on you. You was out of town huh? But you were on-line in some crazy places? Hmpf. (LOL)
  • the fact that my "lack" in one area seems like such a detriment to my dating life.
  • how bored I am with my look
  • the fact that I have shoes I have not worn. Some thigh-high boots that are awesome!!
  • that cosmetic surgery isnt covered by insurance. (LOL)

January 26, 2011

Ask TheMochaPeach: Part 2

Got a burning sex question you want to ask?

Got a confession? Need some real help?

Got a question  you want to ask to TheMochaPeach yourself?

Ask TheMochaPeach is BACK!!

Email me.....or hit up my Formspring:Ask me anything  http://formspring.me/TheMochaPeach


I promise I'll answer (or get an expert to help you out! :)


Questions are being taken until  Monday, Jan 31 at 5 pm

January 22, 2011

In a "Relationship" State-of-Mind

(Cartoon courtesy of IStockPhoto.com )
I was talking to one of my superbly awesome and witty good friends, Cher, about love and relationships (our hot topic, of course). She was telling me about one of her girlfriends who is in a blossoming relationship and how she changed her attitude and approach to it. It wasn't about how she intereacted with guys or even reading the hottest self-help book. It all started with changing her attitude. Cher said (to paraphrase..cause I don't even remember the exact words...LOL):

"My girl was like..she got in a better frame of mind and started THINKING and acting like she had a man already! She said "I stopped living my life as if I was a single woman!  I began to act and treat myself as if I was a married woman.  Would my man like to come home and see a dirty room or me laying around in sweats?  NO!  So I keep my place clean and I dress up even if Im just lounging at home!" So now..she's going pretty hot and heavy into a relationship with a new guy...I'm thinking it's gonna lead to marriage"

Ok..here is where I had what Oprah likes to call an "Ah-Ha!" moment! It was like Ben Franklin tied a kite to my locs...stood me out in a lightening storm...and I was flooded with an electrical current of ideas. YES! That's it! EUREKA!! It was as if The Secret mixed with some sorta of Karmic-Cosmic ideology and flooded my heart (and I'm not one for hokey-socio-pop psychology crap)

I had to STOP thinking and acting like a single person otherwise I will remain single. 

The sista in the previous anecdote makes a valid point. If you want something, you can most definitely will it to you. I come home everyday..and do the same crap. I put on my comfy robe..I cook dinner...something quick and fast. On weekends..I wear any old thing....and don't really treat myself to anything. During the weeks of school, my house looks like a tornado of academia hits it: papers, books, pens, and notes all over the place. My fridge is stocked but def not full of things like chips, beer, and liquor that a fella would enjoy. If I run out anywhere that ISN'T special, especially on the weekends, I'm in a hoodie, sneakers and a cute top.

I did do a bedroom makeover that I spoke about. Now THAT is gorgeous...but I have to do better in other areas. I think as part of my new year's resolution I am going to def do better. Make sure I look cute even in the house..lounge in lingerie and cute sexy items. Make sure my house is stocked with wine, dark liquors and chips. Keep my "naughty drawer" full of condoms (OK..I got condoms but uhm...they ain't been used). Make sure the house smells good. Stock up on candles. Get a humidor and stock up on some cigars. Video games. Aside from the aesthetic, keep myself waxed, shaved and ready. Keep my pedicures and manicures up. Even when I eat, set another place setting. Keep a pleasant disposition on my face and smile. Speak sweet words...even to those I may not even care about (It's good practice..cause Lord knows I got the "quick, acid tongue" at times". I can really speak my Aries mind...)

I was watching Eat, Pray Love, and character played by Viola Davis had a box that she put under her bed, she filled it with her hopes and dreams, and just waited. She waited for the right time. She put baby clothes in it....Elizabeth Gilbert (the author played by Julia Roberts) put places she wanted to travel in her box...and Me? I'd put lot's of things in there...too private to share. But a box of possibilities is what it could be..

But in the meantime...I prepare my mind...my place....for all the possibilities my heart can hold,

I hope that dude is ready! :)

January 20, 2011

January 19, 2011

Dickmatized: An Epidemic


We all know a sista that has fallen pray to this epidemic
Hell..it could have happened to you.
A Good Girlfriend.
Your cousin.
Your spry, 86 year old grandma!

NO ONE is immune, son! NO ONE!!

Anyone can fall victim to the epidemic known by its Latin name...

Dickmitus Traumaticus or more commonly  "Dickmatized"

You know the instant it happens. You lay there, after some good, bomb.com, sex and through some weird transference of energy, your brain instantly turns to mush and you lose the sense the Good Lord gave you. All because of some dick....

You start doing and saying dumb sh*t...such as:

"Yeah baby..I'll pick your kids up from their crazy mama's house. If I gotta fight that b*tch I will."

You've known the dude 2 weeks and already thinking about baby carriages, changing your last name,  and your wedding color scheme.

You hop up out the bed, bright and early at 5 am, and make that ninja some pancakes. Naw..fuck some pancakes..some crepes! You know how difficult a crepe is??!! (TRUE STORY...LOL)

"Nah girl..I aint coming to your wedding. Yeah I know I was your maid of honor but..my man is off that weekend and we need some quality time. I know you mad but gurlllllll.......he be putting it on a b*tch"

You think about how good you are getting it and you just shudder, shed that one lone Denzel tear,  and do the Aunt Esther "Ha GLORY" praise dance!

You are about to lose your job, go on unemployment cause your ass keeps missing days from work or going in tardy cause you was getting some!

You iron his shirts when you don't even iron your own shirts.

You start borrowing from your 401k to plan trips and sh*t.

You start calling him your "man" and he aint even took you out in public.

You spend your last money on some new lingerie..

You co-sign for him a new car

You start crying at the thought of how good the d*ck is.. And vow to cut a b*tch who tries to take it away.

You start missing church and having to repent for all the fornicating you're doing. But say "Lord..you know how good Im getting it! I just wanna ThANK YA!!!" (insert another Aunt Esther praise break)

You have to keep Carmax and Chap-stick around cause you keep biting your lip everytime you see that sexy summa-ma-bitch.

The bamma been unemployed for 10 months, sitting on your couch eating some Chic-o-sticks and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.. but you say "Ray Ray be holding a chick down in the bedroom so hey..I dont mind working these 2 jobs! He take care of me! I GOTS me a man!"

The man drops his drawers and you fall to your knees...reciting The Beatitudes and giving praise!!

See how crazy you sound? Your mama giving you the side-eye. Your friends think you need Dick-Rehab and invest in a 12 step program "Hello..my name is.....And I'm addicted to well..DICK".
. And your pastor wants to lay hands on you! Just an awful, sad and pathetic mess. Girl..if we didn't know any better..we'd think you just discovered some sorta life, altering "THe Secret" type stuff and dont' know how to act. You just wanna get your next hit, like a drug addict. All you wanna do is eat, breathe and sleep WITH this dude's penis. You need to get a handle on your muthafuggin LIFE, lady!

Don't be that chick. The antidote for that is to just... Have a life outside of "the good penis" that you been getting. Put it all in perspective... Because just like that, *snaps fingers*... penis can be taken away. (or hell..replaced with a new, upgraded version that does some super amazing things!) Don't think about "the mechanics"..think about what that mechanism is ATTACHED to. Is he a good guy aside from the sex? And aside from the sex, what is he bringing to the table emotionally, spiritually?? Hell financially! Just cause Pookie or Booger or Man-Man slangs some mighty D, don't mean he's any type oF MAN. Bravado and manhood isn't wrapped up in how you can lay pipe...not one bit! Nothing of real importance should come before penis..ever! Shouldnt no family members be calling A&E trying to set you up on "Intervention".....(smh)

Oh ..and being "dickmatized" doesnt discriminate age, race, sexual orientation, or even GENDER for that matter. The Male version is "Pussimus Tractionitus" aka "Being Pussy Whipped". 

Yeah you took all 5 of her kids to see Yo Gabba Gabba....you are pussy whipped!

You got the oil changed in her raggedy ass Mustang....you are pussy whipped.

You poke holes in your OWN condom to get her pregnant...you might be pussy whipped (and a bit psycho)

You be stalking her bushes..and checking her cell phone when she goes in the bathroom....you are PUSSY WHIPPED!

You crying cause she leaving town business.you might be BOTH Dickmatized AND Pussywhipped cause obviously you must not be taking it like a man....*smh*

Trust me..I speak from experience! I've gotten Dickmatized and totally sidetracked from LIFE at times. One time, many moons ago, , I was so caught up, I was so delusional that I truly believe I was THE ONLY chick he was putting his magic wand of penis power spell on....and well..OF COURSE he wasnt! But Praise MOSES!! I am healed from that one eyed snake!! *waves church fan*

All I'm saying is, this epidemic has to stop.  Put yourself FIRST. We have to reel it on back in and realize....

It's just a d*ck.

Period.


January 14, 2011

Dear TheMochaPeach: Am I being a Bit Too “ANAL?”



Dear TheMochaPeach:

Girl. I am not sure I can even explain this. I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend for about 8 months now. We have a really great sex life. He definitely knows how to please me and I think I do a good job of pleasing him.  He hasn’t had any real complaints.  However, lately, he’s been asking if we can do some “anal “ sex.  He said he likes it as an alternative if a) we cant have sex due to my menstrual flow and b) it’s tighter and naughty and will give me a greater orgasm. I don’t know about all of that. Now, I am not really down with that but I do want to please my partner. The other thing is, I mean him asking…does that make him gay? I mean I don’t know any brothers so adamant about doing it “in the butt” like this.


Signed,
“Anal” Annie

********

Dear “Anal Annie”:

Well my dear, you are in a bit of a “sticky “situation, a “pickle’ if you will, and I know you don’t want to be a “stick in the mud” (lol.boy this letter is ripe for puns! LOL) Okay. Okay…let me stop.

In all seriousness, Miss Anal, I cannot help you. It’s not that I find the act of anal sex repulsive or anything.  I have never been a fan of that act for the sheer pain that it can cause. I’ve had far too many gastrointestinal issues to want to have anal sex (LOL)…BUT with that said. I too am curious as to how it works. I’ve also not had a partner who was even gentle or willing enough to try. (Well…one guy did try WITHOUT asking and I swiftly bowed that ninja in the gut!!)  I did, however, defer your issue to a good friend of mine who absolutely enjoys the act of anal sex.  She’s a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets. Matter of fact, said person sent me a ton of uhm.”Anal friendly” videos as a “bridal shower gift”…so I think she was trying to get me to open my horizons. (LOL)

And here are her tips (with a little “back-story”…get it.HA! LOL):


I initially had reservations as well, with my primary concern being whether or not it would be painful. Obviously the orifice is smaller than a vagina, and not naturally lubricated, so for those reasons I was a little wary.

The first few times I tried it, much like the reader, it was at the request of a boyfriend. This was about 10 years ago - I was younger, less experienced sexually, and really doing it for him rather than me. All of those factors made the experience pretty unpleasant. It was painful and only barely tolerable. They enjoyed it way more than me.  Afterward I was sore and vowed that it wouldn't happen again, ever in life.

Years later I suddenly got into watching a lot of porn. I lived alone for the first time, wasn't in a relationship (and had been celibate for a few years)... and suddenly anal porn in particular started to really excite me. I’m not sure what made me start exploring that particular genre of porn - curiosity, maybe? But now it just looked really.... sexy. Perhaps this is also because I had been celibate for so long, and my body was aching for sexual intimacy. But suddenly I started getting aroused watching it, and I knew that I wanted to try it again in my next relationship. This time I felt it would be different... because I actually had a vested interest in it, versus doing it to "please" a partner.  I’m not saying anything is wrong with trying out a new, unfamiliar act to please a partner. But for me, personally, level of motivation seemed to play a role in my ability to enjoy it.

In my next relationship my partner and I did try it, and it was so much different than those earlier attempts. It may be a combination of my level of interest, as I mentioned, or perhaps my partner was just savvier. Either way, it felt so incredible and I even became able to orgasm that way.

Here are some tips:

- Start off by watching anal porn. If you find that it makes you uncomfortable, and you simply can't tolerate it (at least in the beginning), that is likely an indication that you aren't ready for the "in vivo" experience. After all, what's the difference? Once it starts becoming erotic to you (on video) it may be time to start experimenting. Also read some erotica/ literature if film pornography isn’t your thing.

- Ease into it with your partner. Come to some sort of compromise. You don't have to have anal sex the very first time. Maybe you can start getting comfortable with some anal play, ie, tongues, fingers, and VERY small toys. Go with your comfort level AND it should feel good. If it doesn't, slow down or perhaps take some time before doing again

- Lots of lube, always. Get a lube that is fragrance/parabin free and closer to your natural body fluids (Try Maximus). Also WEAR A CONDOM. We do not need any particulates from that region getting into your vaginal area. Plus you can get small tears in the anus. Because it is high-risk sex, you can easily get STDs. Change them (condoms) with each sex act.

- Once you're ready to go with the actual act, be sure you relax the sphincter (is that the right word?) muscles - because if you are tense, those muscles will be tense, and entry will be more difficult and/or impossible. Also, try to evacuate your bowls before hand or use an enema to do so (if you are worried about that aspect). Also, try taking a shower if you want to feel fresher.

- Some women find it helpful to have clitoral stimulation at the same time - using either your partner's fingers, your fingers, or a vibrator. That can help distract from an (initially) uncomfortable entry and, ultimately, can make for a more intense orgasm

- Be open with your partner about any fears, reservations, and also fantasies you may have. I think if he sees you are open/interested in trying, versus completely closed, he will be more willing to work with you and be patient

- Get over your fears of him being homosexual. Under NO circumstances do I think the two are correlated. Many straight men enjoy anal sex. Like your partner said, it's exciting because it's taboo and also just plain feels good (the tightness). But if, in the back of your mind, you are questioning your partner's sexuality, that is a major turn-off right there and could make the act even harder to follow thru to completion

My bottom line is that the act is much better when you're genuinely interested in trying it, versus trying to please someone. So if I were you, I'd be open and communicative with your partner.... and hope he is patient with you. In the meanwhile, see if you can't go about enjoying some anal porn (while masturbating to it - yes, I said it!) and if it doesn't "grow" on you eventually, then I would suggest NOT going forward with the real thing. Maybe revisit it again in the future.


So Dear "Anal Annie", I hope that these tips were helpful.  I think my girl pretty much covered everything you needed to know as far as anal sex (and she educated me as well!) In the meantime, be safe and have a happy love-making experience.

If you’d like to Ask TheMochaPeach, please send me an email! All questions will remain anonymous.

January 13, 2011

My Bollywood Sex Nightmare




Let me talk a little about my neighbors.my upstairs neighbors that is. And how they are driving me to drink.

I live in a pretty diverse side of ATL. My neighborhood is full of mainly people of the above ethnicities. My apartment complex is near a variety of Sari stores, Paki grocery stores, a Hindu temple (at least I THINK it’s Hindu) and above all else, the international farmer’s market that stays packed. So. I guess that’s what attracts these ethnic groups to my area. Most of all, it’s a quiet, relatively inexpensive, and eclectic part of town.

My neighbors are a young Indo-Paki-Bangladeshi-Iranian-Arab…. (As you can see, I don’t even know their exact ethnicity) couple. They must be newlyweds. They moved in about a year ago. Up until that time, I had enjoyed a relatively quiet existence in Building 4. My other neighbor to the right is an elderly Asian man who is sweet and speaks often. To the left…a model apartment that only gets occasionally used for short-term leases. And I def don’t hear the neighbors across the hall, who are a really large Indo-Paki-Something or Other family. Needless to say, when the neighbors above moved in, I was thrown into some sort of Bollywood Sex Nightmare (lol).

They keep up a LOT of noise. I mean walking mad hard and even running at one point. I’ve had to invest in a new broom because I beat my ceilings so furiously to get them to shut the fuck up. They had parents over one day and it was like a friggin Big Phat Bolly Wedding or something. I was yelling to the top of my lungs, shouting from below on my patio. They had kept up such a ruckus, that I had to report them to my leasing office. Yeah.. it was that bad.

As I was visiting a friend in an adjacent building, coming down the steps, I saw the couple above me (who keep their damn patio doors WIDE OPEN all times of the year) making out quite vigorously on the couch. I mean he was sucking serious face. I just rolled my eyes.and proceeded to head into the building.

But the worst thing about my neighbors is their Bollywood-themed Sex they are always having. I understand they are newlyweds. I understand that they are gonna fuck like rabbits. But cmon now! Do you have to ALWAYS have a theme song when you screw! Here I am, lying in bed, reading a book quietly, and all of a sudden, I am hearing some kinda Aishwarya Rai-themed musical…and the woman yelling and screaming in sheer agony, like her husband is tearing her a new one. Their bedroom is RIGHT above mine, and they are going at it, the bed is shaking so furiously, I swear the paint is chipping off my ceiling. I try and roll over or even put on my ipod.but it’s like I’m hearing “Yayayayayayaya” in that shrill, high-pitched voice or something the whole time. Does it help him keep his stroke count or something? WTF! Just weird. Then I hear all these thumps and bumps..and then another shrill Bollywood tune. I’m living a nightmare…a Bollywood Sex Nightmare. It's not even a GOOD sounding sexy time...just a shrill, odd sexual soundtrack of Bollywood Foolishness.

We’ve been snowed/iced in in ATL for about 3  4 days now. So of course, these bamas have been fucking like crazy. And of course, I hear the Bollywood music. I can’t even enjoy this impromptu vacation! I wouldn’t be surprised if by next Spring there is a little one running around up there..adding to my frustrations even more…

(*sigh* if I had some competition, I could drown them out no doubt but uhm…that aint happening.).

But payback is a b*tch! I can’t wait!!!! Trust and BELIEVE, Imma really frustrate the hell out of them if I get some steady, strong and mighty D….

*rubs hands together and does an evil, menacing laugh*


In the meantime, I guess I’ll just do some belly dancing and lose some weight when I hear ‘em. *shrug*

January 12, 2011

Welcome To The New Design

Why Brandy Might Be My Soulmate




I can only watch a select number of Reality TV shows before my brain usually turns to mush.  The Kardashians (how to get rich doing nothing but screwing and well. nothing), Basketball wives (hoes who somehow prosper), What Chilli Wants (a delusional middle-aged woman) and Real Housewives of ATL (neuvo-riche black women and one crazy white woman thinking they are better than somebody) are just a bevy of those shows that I can barely tolerate and are laughable after a while.

But one show that I can watch and shake my head (usually in agreement) at often is Brandy and Ray J’s Family Affair. I sort of always skip over the scenes dealing with Ray J (cause he’s a coon and I got no time for him) and always focus on Brandy.

I’ve always been a fan of her music, her unique voice and definitely her style. I feel like I grew up with Brandy (we are the same age). When she had the box braids, I had braids.  People call her “odd looking”. I’ve been called “odd looking" too. We both went through the awkward phase. We both had braces at the same time.  And minus the lace front wigs, I think we've had every hairstyle imaginable. She’s rarely gotten in any kind of trouble. And neither have I. She avoids a “tabloid life” and I avoid a drama free life. She’s had her heartbroken (publicly) and I have as well (privately and publicly if you want to count social networking).

When she was having her first heartache, so was I. When she experienced disappointment, so was I in my life. Kindred spirits I suppose.  So now that Brandy is a 32 year old single-mama, trying to get her career back on track and most importantly, after an embarrassing break-up, her love life. I can relate. I’m the same age, trying to get my career and education on track, and most importantly my love life. Where Brandy and I different is that she is a multi-million dollar earning platinum selling artist, and I’m just Mocha (lol)…and that’s about it. So when guys say Brandy isn’t cute, I retort and say, “I think she’s gorgeous in a very unique way”, sticking up for her like she’s my long lost sister or cousin or something.

Brandy Norwood is unlucky. Painfully unlucky. She’s a beautiful girl (especially internally) that most men (brothers I speak to) find to be a bit odd looking and un-cute. She’s smart and accomplished and when I watch the show my heart breaks for her. She goes on these dates with cornballs from loserville who just have lukewarm feelings for her or no feelings at all. She dug Flo-Rida (the buff rapper) who just gave her the run around…only to end up with a more beautiful girl (Eva Marcille, the model).  And on a recent episode,  Brandy went out on a date with a guy (a male model) who from the start, seemed to just be disinterested and told her the age old excuse of “I am just focusing on my career” to indicate that he wasn’t interested and then made a snarky face when she said her daughter was named after her favorite wine.  

She sings about love…in songs…and doesn’t have it.
I write about love….and I’m still searching.

*Sigh*…Poor Brandy.

Poor Me.

As I watched her talking to her girlfriend about her desire to be in love and in a relationship , I felt her  words tug at my heartstrings. She has this bubbly, optimist approach to love.. Even after a wack date or encounter, she has this thing..and inner glow about her that says “I’m gonna be ok”

 I am trying to take that same approach....and in some small way, she's my inspiration.

Brandy..we’ll be ok  :) 

January 10, 2011

Take YOU Out of the Equation


In talking to a male friend of mine, he shed some insight into why men do the things that they do, especially in dating.. And NEWSFLASH: most of the times, it isn’t even about the woman. And women need to stop making it all about them (Well…or at least try not to).

With exasperation, frustration and confusion in his voice he said:

“Take YOU out of the equation. There are times when I dated a woman and didn’t call her for 10 days straight. Not that I didn’t want to but other stuff got in the way. I liked the girl I dated a while ago. But what if my schedule was conflicting.  Maybe when I get to work I said I was going to text but stuff got really hectic and I couldn’t. What if I was broke and I knew I couldn’t take her out this week? Those dates start adding up! Sometimes I worked so much that all I wanted to do was go home., not talk to anyone. Just watch TV and put the cell in the other room. . What if he IS dating a bunch of women and he just can’t balance work, dating and stuff? What if he really does like you but he just can’t seem to get the timing together?”

Timing. It’s all about timing with men. They say women look for the right man...and men look for the right time. So does he stop dating her until his stuff gets in order?  Or has the time? Will he miss out on a great woman? Or does she need to understand that time is precious and she needs to work around his schedule and needs? Or does she need to move on?

What she DOES need to understand is that it isn’t about her. Women, often times in these situations, will make it all about them.  I know I do this.  What did I say or didn’t’ say? What did I do or didn’t do? What if he doesn’t like me? What if he’s met someone else? What if I’m boring?  What if he doesn’t find me attractive? Sometimes (most times) it isn’t about you. It truly is on them and their clocks. Time doesn't work the same for men and women. Priorities aren't the same for men and women. We are just wired differently. Sometimes if it doesn't make money (for a man), it doesn't warrant their time. If it doesn't fulfill their needs, it doesn't warrant their time and energy.

What we as women need to do is take the blame off ourselves, take the pressure of ourselves EVERY time a relationship goes south or a guy doesn't contact you back or something goes a little array. Men get tired of hearing women ask these questions of "What was WRONG with me?". Instead we need to be saying "So...what is HIS damn problem?" ....and simply resolve to let it go and move on with our lives.

I've gone through this very thing in the past couple of weeks. Looking at myself in the mirror wondering, "What could it have been??" *sigh*. Things start to change and I blame myself. I cannot afford to do that anymore. The blame isn't on me...I have to learn to take ME out of the equation and let that man figure out if 1+1 really equals US. OR if he wants to be a lonely integer in this life.... Or divide and multiply himself endlessly among other obligations?

It's not for you to worry about. It's not even for you to decide.

It's not about you.

Freeing concept isnt it? 

January 7, 2011

Eartha on Love....

My really good friend Yaki over at The Prissy Mommy sent me this link from one of my (secret) idols, Eartha Kitt. I used to practice talking like her...(lol)..cause I thought she had a cool, cat-like voice (She is the coolest Catwoman ever). Smart, sexy, and truly a Renaissance woman, Kitt was the epitome of glamour, style and class for her generation. They just don't make women like her anymore.... A little woman from North, South Carolina, she graced the stage and film and lived an ex-pat life many only dreamed of.

This clip right here, her take on relationships, made me think....



She was disgusted at the thought of "compromise" just because a man came into her life. She said "Stupid"...I think her laugh made me laugh just as hard..because the thought was so absurd to her....she threw her head back and guffawed so loudly. 

So is she right?? To love means never having to compromise?   

"Falling in love...being in love..what is there to compromise??"

When she said that, it was as if an light bulb came on for me. If someone truly loved you, they would like you..faults and all. All the dirt, grime and things you experienced make you who you are. I've been in too many relationships where I compromised myself. I changed my usually outspoken nature. I changed how I dressed to make the guy feel comfortable.  I even changed my hair...NO MORE! Long gone are those days.. Someone who truly loved you, wouldn't want you to compromise for them. Love, they say is about give and take. But if you give up everything about yourself, and the other person gives up nothing, where is the love in that? Who wants to be an empty shell of a person.

"A relationship is a relationship that has to be earned...not to be compromised for"

I think a lot of times we take for granted that relationships are close, interpersonal things. You are inviting a person in your space. You can't let any and every person in that space; therefore a person has to earn the right to be there. It's special. YOU are special. Why would you want to compromise that??? How many of us have the balls to tell someone "Look...I'm worth earning, dammit! I'm not some lottery scratch off you take your chance with...I'm a like a 401K..you have to put in..and invest to see the growth" ? I don't think many of us...especially when it comes to love. If you have to earn my love, learn my love language, and take the time doing so, why on earth would you want to have the person  to be compromised? Spiritually? Emotionally? Physically? OR you compromise yourself?

"I fall in love with myself..and I want someone to share me with me...."

Learning to love yourself, is the greatest love of all (at least that's what Whitney Houston sang...). If you find yourself wonderfully and fearfully made, then why not want to share that with someone. YEs..I love myself enough to know that I am worth sharing. I love myself enough to know I'm not worth being compromised.. I love myself enough to know I'm worth being EARNED. T0 know me is to love me as much as I love myself...and that's a hell of a whole lot.. So why not "share me with me"?  To share means you aren't giving yourself away totally..ergo...there is no compromise when it comes to you! Love should be lavish, rich and decadent, and you should be lavished upon....


Dear Eartha...I love you....I thank you for this tremendously! Your unabashed delivery ministered to my soul...


January 4, 2011

Disappearing Acts

Scenario: You meet someone. The communication is going well. They seem into you. You go out...have an AWESOME date (by their own admission)...And for you..this may rank up there with one of THE BEST dates you've ever had....then...BAM...all communication comes to a screeching halt. Texts become sporadic and one or two words...phone convos are brief and not as rich...then all of a sudden...the convos just stop...cold. You call..they don't answer. You text...they don't reply back. Hmm...
Then you start analyzing the date. What just happened?? Are they THAT busy?? Was my breath funky? Was the conversation boring? Did I not laugh at the right jokes?
What gives w/ the disappearing acts?? *scratching head*
In proposing the scenario with a fellow blogger of mine, Peejay, over at Colored Girls Blogging, her answer was simply this:
They meet someone who also has good communication and good chemistry and they aren't sure which way they want to go and don't know how to multitask, so they just completely fall off. Then they realize that chick B wasn't as cool as they thought, so they start calling chick A again out of the blue, months later. At least that's been my observation.

Her answer is probably on point. Wait! So am I chick A or B? LOL... So what’s a girl to do? Sit by the phone. Hoping he calls back? Or move the hell on and don’t think twice?
I think I’d have to roll with B for $400, Alex! If you can’t balance the various women you are dating, then just date one at a time! Duh! Long gone are the days when chicks pine away and cry over “He didn’t call me back!” or blow a dude’s phone and text messages up. We get the hint, dude. You don’t want sh*t to do with us… You aint got to LIE to kick it!  Let me dust off my stilettos and go out with the next dude. If you don’t want to hang out anymore, date or communicate, a simple “I’m sorry but I don’t think we’ll mesh well…” will suffice. It’s better than leaving things unresolved and out in the cold…
Or maybe, just maybe, they aren’t into you…….they lied.
Why lie? If you aren’t into someone…then don’t even entertain them any further. Don’t fill their head with lies, flattery and utter bullsh*t. Why be all complimentary and charming...and....then just end it abruptly? I don’t get it. Why you putting on a show and bring your representative to the table?
My friend’s husband said this:
Most dudes would only do that if the situation were the 1ST one... he met you, y'all had a great time, he met someone else, they had a great time... and now he's either mulling over his decision, or he's chosen her and doesn't know how to tell you. As hard as it is for us to step up to the plate and genuinely tell you we like you... it's even harder for us to step up to the plate and tell you we don't.
Or basically…you were just something “to do”...to fill your nightly plans.  Dating is dating. You may be dating a variety of people, but the courteous thing to do is still communicate with those you are into, just to touch base, weigh the options. But don’t ask me out Just because you are bored and your Friday night is empty…
Or… (as my Soror said)...maybe they DID have a good time but for them...not enough of a good time to continue to go on dates or whatever. Say what? How is that even possible? that's bothersome to me for some reason. It's like you wasted the other person's time...but i think saying "it was good...but not good enough for future dates" means technically...it wasnt good at all. The point of a date is to WANT to go on future dates with the person...at least that's what I thought
I swear...dating is the most confusing thing ever. But you have to just dust your shoulder's off and realize....there are more fish in the sea...you just have to amp your bait game up *shrug*. (And..amp it up w/out compromising your beliefs..or who you are...now that's tough)

What do you do?

January 3, 2011

My Problem with Men




I love men.

Specifically, I love black men.

I love the way that they walk, the way that they talk, the brute strength, the beautiful aesthetics of brown skin, facial hair and that certain (for lack of better word) “swagger”.

But I do have a problem with men…and the problem is ME.

In speaking to someone recently, they said that they could see how my blog can come across as “bitter” sometimes. Maybe not “bitter” but they were unconvinced that I actually liked men...and in their words it sounded like a "hardcore lesbian trying to convince people she's straight".  I assured them “No. I love men. I really do. The problem is I love them TOO MUCH”. And then they asked how was that so…

I’ll tell you why, buddy….

I love men so much that somehow I forgot to give a damn about my own needs. I loved men so much that I forgot that I need to have my own needs met across the board before I started to try and meet the unrealistic expectations of a partner who could give a damn about my needs at all (or who may not even want me but for one purpose).  I was selfless, thinking that it was noble when in fact it was self-defeating and probably a little stupid.

I cared entirely too much and didn’t realize that I had to care about me in addition to my partner caring about me as well. It happened in my marriage. I wrapped so much of my happiness in the happiness of someone else..thinking that's what wives do. It happened in relationships pre- and post-divorce. It happened even as a teenager, when I’d spend hours of my free time helping my dumb jock of a boyfriend study for the SAT when I knew damn well he could barely focus to sign his name…. when I could have been improving things with my own teenage self. Oh the lessons that we learn. 

Or have we? Have I?

I realize even now…a guy may not give a damn …yet sometimes I do..and way too early during the course of a relationship. I care if they make it home safely from visiting me. I care if their day is going well. I’m the one initiating the texting or calling while I don’t hear from someone until hours, sometimes days later. I’m always asking how someone is “feeling”. Are you OK?” is what I’m always asking. “Did I do something wrong?” knowing damn well I didn’t. Do you ever think they care to ask me this crap? NOPE…hardly ever. I care so much..I jump the gun. And in some crazy role reversal..I'm the one doing the pursuing and the courting. I don't like that. I want to be pursued...woo-ed and courted...and I need to fall back and allow a man to do that.... Dogs chase cats. Lions chase gazelles. Such is the law of nature..and I need to be in that mode of thinking.

SN: You know how many times I've sent flowers to a man I was dating??? 4 times.  You know how many times I've received flowers WHEN I was dating a guy. 0. PERIOD. Yeah...something is entirely wrong. I care entirely too damn much. (Or maybe I'm just a softy..either way..that was the old me...the new me would never....or maybe the dude is too cheap for flowers..LOL. either way....)

So I have a problem with men…I do. The problem is that I care entirely too much. How do we rectify it? I can become colder, more aloof (certainly goes against my sensitive, caring and open-hearted nature). That seems to work for men..they love these kinds of mind games, mystery and intrigue. But wouldn't that make me disingenuous and not the sweet, nice Southern girl I was raised to be?  It would...maybe. I just need to get a hold on the reigns of self-control and not do the “courting”, the caring or the pampering, especially when there isn’t an ounce of reciprocity by the other person. Especially when they need to be “the man’” and do it themselves… I cant keep being "selfless" to the point of self-denial and downright stupidity. I gotta get mine..just like you gotta get yours. PERIOD. It would just be nice if mutually..we , as men and women, wanted to get some of the same things.

I have a problem with men.

I do. I really do…

So what am I going to do about it?

January 2, 2011

Fire Starter: A Poem

You started it.

If a kiss was like the kindling
To a fire
Yours would be the spark
To heat the cold, wooden logs
That are my heart
Placed in a lonely place
In a big empty room
Of my soul

You started this…

Softly..
I lay claim to the fact that
Your lips enveloped me
Engulfed me
Swallowed my breath up whole
And released into me.
Mixing with yours.
I feel revived.
Warmth
Fire ignited.

You started it.
It’s all your fault.

I was fine with being cold for a while.
Laying dormant until the moment arrived
But the moment was you
And I wasn’t ready for my embers
To be fanned
And turn into a raging fire.
Pyromaniacs would be jealous

You started it.
You need to put it out.

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