December 28, 2009

Adjustments..not Resolutions


The year is drawing to an end. I really DON’T like making “New Year’s Resolutions”. Instead, I’ll just make some “New Year Adjustments” Therefore:


In 2010…


I will finally do something that has held me back from being an adult...which is not give a damn.


I will no longer tolerate the excuse of “I just got busy” with men re: their disappearing acts and lack of communication. I’m sorry...I’m not here for your convenience or entertainment.


I’m taking brothers at face value. You want to “do me”. Fine... let’s cut to the chase so I can decide if ou are worth my time or not. I don’t need the “sweet talk” and altruistic motives if all you want to do is bone. That can be established in 2 conversations.


I will not feign excitement or longing over someone who won’t be excited over me. I won’t act like I miss someone who damn sure didn’t miss me. No...”Miss me?” won’t work. And no...I’m not “excited to hear from you”


Serial texters are OUT. Guys who actually call and want to date me...are IN.


I will not accept bullshit, uncreative and thoughtless dates, acts, and people.


There will be no more second, third or even fourth chances. Burn me once…we are done.


No longer will my own needs be neglected. I shall put ME first…all else..is secondary (with exception of spiritual relationships and family).


I will no longer have empty, meaningless sex that leaves a void.


I will be careful who I allow in my personal space.


I will nourish my creativity.


My kindness and sweet, laidback demeanor will not be mistaken for weakness.


I’m not changing who I am to fit your standards of beauty..womanhood, or size. I am comfortable with who and whose I am.


I won’t sweat it if I don’t have a date or a relationship. So-the-fuck-what! Who cares! *shrug*. Which brings me to my next point...


I am going to keep my heart open and not let cynicism creep in. It's so easy to do.


My education goals are of the utmost importance.


I need a clear and defined new style. I’ll be OVER 30 now…..so..no more playtime w/ the style game. Time to step it up. I need a style makeover from the inside out.


My health will no longer be neglected. Those “few little pounds” must be tackled and a physical done.


I will listen to the Lord more and my “gut” is never wrong. Avoid the pitfalls of “worldly” needs.


Travel….is a necessity and not a luxury.

Fear is not in my vocabulary.


My family relationships need to be nourished and some repaired and some I just “wash my hands of”


Numbers will be erased, Facebook connections deleted, and “friendships” severed that are unhealthy and not beneficial for me.


I won’t party in the same places..I will try and get out and meet new people…

December 21, 2009

What We Can Learn from Strippers


Last night, I went out with a girlfriend and her guy friend to a strip club. It was supposed to be a far larger group outing but it ended up being small. We went to http://www.pinupsatlanta.net which is right around the corner from my house. It’s larger than most strip clubs…and in Atlanta...it’s about as normal as anything to see straight women and couples and friends having a blast at the strip club. The women are sort of secondary to the outing itself. But….they are still there. Ass clapping and boobs shaking all over the place. And in ATL…we get totally naked (which is why we might be the strip club capital of the USA…) I turned down dances with politeness...and some of the girls were really beautiful…others...looked like Gucci Mane… (LOL)…

In my observation of the scantily clad women and their moves…I feel we have a lot to learn from strippers and strip clubs in general. As I sat there swirling in Black and Mild smoke and the scent of Bath and Body Works/Victoria’s Secret Spray…..I realized a few things.

Emotional detachment is definitely a key to relationships. Strippers don’t have anything invested in these customers. They separate their emotions from how they feel. Sometimes I wish I could look at relationships that way. Sometimes I get to emotionally invested when I shouldn’t. Get in. Get out. It’s just a job. Speaking of which…

A job is just a job. On the surface, these girls seem to be pretty low brow for taking their clothes off. But I’m sure some are working their way through college or even professional schools. One girl said...”I don’t do this for my man...this is just a job”. One girl, who hit on me consequently, was taking more cash from the fellas than the chicks, although it was obvious she was digging on girls a little bit harder than most. (LOL).

Learn to be flexible. I don’t mean just simple agility on a pole, I mean literally flexible and changing with the times. True, the whole “flexibility on the pole” is def something to aspire to, but just going with the flow. I saw them move and sway with ease to the music…as soon as it changed tempo...they moved to another beat. You got to learn to be that way in real life.

Sex Sells for Everyone. There were about as many men as women at the club and not all of them were lesbians. There were couples there too, enjoying the view (and no doubt getting turned on). Girls who got the most cash were the ones who performed the nastiest, dirtiest routines. I did little mental notes because I wanted to learn how to “shake it fast for Daddy”… (When I get a man….LOL).


You May Not Be Perfect, but You are Perfect to Someone Out There. There were all kinds of women...thick ones...skinny ones...Big butts...flat butts (well...not too many of them). One of the guys we were with was VERY particular. HE didn’t like certain girls...he wanted petite girls with BIG butts. I, on the other hand, found women who looked shapelier to be nice. He goes...”They are flabby”. I was like…hmm…these girls are perfection to someone…not everyone. You have to view yourself that way. You are perfect...but may not be perfect to someone else.

If you get rejected, someone else will want you. Strippers have to deal with rejection all night. People turning down dances. Turning down the advances of gross fellas but no sooner do they have to deal with a rejection, they get a tap on the shoulder for a dance. They take it all in stride…and just keep it moving (literally…LOL).

I can’t say that I am a frequent customer of the strip club world. But, I will say I have a greater appreciation for what they do. Maybe when I go back, I’ll get a little lap dance (or two), throw some stacks, and keep what I’ve learned in mind.

December 20, 2009

Changing Forward to the Past

As 2009 slowly comes to an end and the holiday season slowly draws to an end, I realize that so much has changed. Yet, is “real” change ever possible…..in regards to forgiveness.

My ex husband and I have come a very, very long way in terms of being cordial and forgiveness. You see, there was a time where I really hated his guts and wanted nothing to do with him. He broke my heart into tiny shards of bloody glass and I didn’t want to even speak to him. He tried to send me text messages..I’d send ones back..cursing. I didn’t want him near me. He sent flowers via my mother and I got so angry I threw them on the ground in front of my apartment (Later, I went back and picked them up…and sat them on my counter..). In other words, I didn’t want to have anything to do with him.

Earlier in the summer, my mother had gotten very ill and was in the hospital. We thought she had a stroke but it was due to improper dialysis. She asked for my ex husband and he came. At the time, I was seeing someone and when I told him my mother was sick…he wanted to know if he needed to come down. I said no..my ex was here., he got super angry. “Why is he around?? Makes no sense!”. I kinda knew then me and that person would be over because he didn’t understand. I had spent 7 yrs with my ex husband…almost 3 of them married…he had become attached to my family..my mother was his mother. Little did I know in our time apart, he had kept in contact w/ my family..being around my mother, etc. Before the divorce, he and my father had started to forge a bit of a relationship, but ultimately that was broken. Nevertheless, he loved my family..would do anything for my mother and me. He brought me food on Memorial Day that he cooked because he knew I hadn’t eaten.

After that, we sorta eased back into a friendship. We would casually talk or meet up for a bite to eat somewhat casually. We didn’t really engage in anything deeper than that. Ultimately, I allowed him into more of my space..and we were able t be around each other more. I’d cook dinner. We’d go out. Just as friends. I was able to open up and love him again as a person. I missed his humor and his sensitivity. Those were the things I fell for him easily over. And that was fine…that is until recently.

Oh nothing bad or anything happened. But recently he asked me to be the mother of his children..to get back together..and to start over He has expressed it several times.. Now statistically, remarriage of the same spouse after divorce usually ends in another divorce 84% of the time. I really am not trying to be another statistic. I’m already in that great 61% of first marriages ending in divorce. Also, I feel like we are really good as friends..I don’t want to mess it up. Besides..I haven’t been successful at dating. I don’t even know if I should rule out any other potential mates.

I love him. I always will. But the same spark I felt as a college senior and on my wedding day is no longer there. I am reminded of the pain often. The disappointment. The broken promises. I am not saying that a person can’t change, but if their change does not mesh with your change, then it isn’t feasible to me with that person. I’m going in a different direction in my life and I am not sure where being remarried to him fits in.
The question remains: Is change ever possible?

December 4, 2009

Dating in the Recession: Tips for (and from) Brothers


Although President Obama says that the receission is almost over, times are hard. Everyone is pinching pennies and trying to make things stretch and meet. Especially during this holiday season, the recession can be especially tough. To make matters worse, dating during the recession (coupled with the holidays) makes things especially tough. But it doesn’t have to be that way at all. But trying to tell that to men is like talking to a brick wall.


Recently, I encountered a guy who was in a financial bind. He had been unemployed for some time. I found it strange that I had to pay for my own lunch or suggested any dates . Finally, when he asked to go out again for lunch, he refused to pay and even asked me to contribute my very LAST amount of cash to lunch. I was hurt. I felt like I wasn’t worth the time or effort. He later told me that he was quite ashamed for his behavior , apologized and said he was “barely” making it. I felt horrible yet understood.. Had he just been honest with me, I would have understand and together we could have thought of some really great, fun, inexpensive and creative things to do. Had he taken the time to know me he would realize that spending ample amounts of cash on a date doesn’t impress me. Just be open, first and foremost.


Since I’ve been divorced, I’ve been on very few dates. The number one complaint of most men is that dating is expensive. Yet the best dates I went on didn’t cost much. $1 sushi and a matinee…free tickets to a sporting event, etc. Women may appear to be hard to please but we really aren’t. We love spending time at home but we don’t want to be relegated to the house due to funds. There has to be a balance of going out and staying in. Any real woman worth her grain of salt would understand. In talking to my girlfriends we all said the same thing. All that is required of a great date is effort and creativity. We aren’t asking for much.


Some date ideas that would work during this recession include:


It takes very little effort to pick up a some take out and a movie. But make it a “theme” night: Pick up some Indian food and rent some Bollywood.


Look for free shows and openings. Often emerging and independent artist have shows that are discounted.
Window Shop and have an inexpensive lunch in the mall.


Get more bang for your buck. Find a place that has dinner and an activity (i.e. Dave and Buster’s or Andretti's)


Instead of taking her to lunch, try packing a picnic lunch and bringing it to her office.


Coffee and a bookstore! Browse the books and drink a simple mocha! Hmmmm!


Bring out the kid in your(or competitive nature) and take some retro games (Connect 4, Battleship, etc,) or get intellectual with a game of Scrabble or Trivia Pursuit. Wanna be naughty? Some “Naked Twister” would do the trick. :)


Is the weather bad outside? Do an indoor picnic, complete with candles from the dollar store.


Can’t afford a massage and spa day? Pick up some inexpensive supplies and give each other massages and spa treatments.


It’s the holidays and you can’t afford a gift. Make something! Make a card..make a meal and deliver it.


Try cooking a new and exciting dish together.


Take an inexpensive class. Dance classes can be $10 per visit. Cooking classes can be $20-50 per couple. Not too expensive at all.


Go to the super early matinee (before noon). Most of those movies are $5 and grab breakfast! VERY simple and inexpensive (or make breakfast….)


Want to try a new spot but the dinner menu seems pricey? See if they have a lunch menu or special. Better yet, look in your local “Savvy Shopper” and clip coupons for new restauraunts you may want to try. Often times those circulars and newspapers have deep discounts.


Sign up for a site like Restauraunts.com or Groupon.com for discounted prices and deals!!


Be a tourist in your own city. Look up historical and cultural events


Get hot and sweaty and go to the Gym and work out together. If your apartment complex or job has a free gym, take an advantage of it.


Can't afford dinner? What about dessert? Go to a dessert bar or an ice cream shop!


Finally….Ladies, pay sometimes (Yes..sometimes..not ALL the time). In this day and age, don’t expect a man to pay for everything 100%. I am of the rule “he/she who asks pays”. There is no shame in that. And if YOU are struggling financially, be honest and upfront.


So what do the fellas have to say. Here are some quotes from some of my Brothas:



TJ: “Women don’t like be stationary. Sometimes when it’s not complex it’s not a quality date. Sometimes they fail to appreciate the simplicity of a date. A great recession date would be going to the park, having a picnic there, and research and see if there is a concert there….and you can have a walk. Low cost and simple…and women won’t be stationary.”

CW: “NYC in the summer time is recession proof. Free events all around just gotta find them. By winter, we need to be in my house, in front of my fire place, keeping me warm! *wink* “

JT: “My tip is there are always cheap dates that a man can impress a woman with parks,museums,CNN, Etc....especially in ATL.”

MW: “First thing, be upfront with the finances. If you wanna go out or someone wants to go out with you, let it be known if you can swing it. Find free things in the city paper. Transportation cost, food cost, meet somewhere economical for both parties or yourself."


JW: “One of my favorite, inexpensive dates is to go to the zoo. I go ahead of time and see what animals are there. I look them up and then when I take her, I can play curator/guide. I also love to just stargaze.”


What about you? What are some great recession-proof dating tips?

December 1, 2009

Still Running



One Year Ago Today…


It was a very cold day in Atlanta. The wind was blustery and I wore a brand new red Calvin Klein suit, matching red and black Calvin Klein stiletto pumps, a new attitude and my hair in a high bun. Red is my favorite color-my power color. It made me feel confident and protected. My red Chanel lipstick was the perfect match.

We rode to the courthouse in silence. The tension was palpable but no one wanted to address it. I mean, just a month ago we had signed the papers, had everything notarized and filed it with the court. So quick. 30 days. And I would go from Mrs. back to Ms. What was there to say?

We sat in the courtroom which seemed like forever, with other couples that were getting divorced as well. They seemed to be across all socio-economic backgrounds. But we appeared to be the youngest. He walked out for a while and I feared he wouldn’t come back. (He later told me he had contemplated just walking out. But what could what that have done…he didn’t need to be there for it to be final…).

As soon as he walked back in, the judge called us back to her chambers. She preferred to handle these matters of a domestic nature there. We raised our right hands, swore what we said was the truth, and that was that. On December 1, 2008….we were no more. We parted ways.

I sat in the car waiting on my mother. I pulled out a piece of paper. A letter I had mistakenly saved on my hard drive. With its generic name, I thought it was something I did and blindly saved it on my jump drive. It was from “her” (one of many it seems)….expressing her disappointment that things didn’t work out and he had already moved on to someone else... A someone, his cousin, had surprisingly known and encouraged him to be with. I said...”I found this”. He read it, shaking his head and said “No. you don’t understand…she had feelings of me….It wasn’t like that……” I just turned my head, not wanting tears to fall, and got out the car.
My mother and I went to have lunch and she just held my hand across the table. I bit my lip to not cry....Later that night, he came and packed up the rest of his belongings.

Divorce is a devastating loss. I had to mourn an almost 7 year relationship and watch the disintegration of a marriage within a year. It was hard to pick up the pieces, but I did. I picked up my broken heart, dusted myself off, and pressed forward. Sometimes I ran too fast. Sometimes I got down and tired. But I kept on running. I ran into some jerks. I ran into more heartbreak and disappointment. I ran into roadblocks and had to take a detour. Divorce was the ultimate detour….a detour from motherhood, being a wife, having a family of my own. But I kept running. You gotta keep running.

I’m not sure where this next year is going to lead me, but it just has to be better than the last. I had highs and this obviously was the low. The good thing is I’ve learned to be on my own…secure in my own skin and in who I am. And I know what God has for me…it is for me. Whatever and whomever that is. I didn’t let this situation change me or my attitude toward love. I still believe in love. I’m still a romantic (despite nothing overly romantic happening to me this year). I still love hard (and paid the price for it). I still play hard. I still laugh and I still just want to be happy. Sadly, I’ve locked a large part of myself away, only allowing people to catch a glimpse of me. One day, I’ll be able to open up. But until then….

I’ll keep running.

November 22, 2009

Sexless in Atlanta


I love sex. I really do. I have absolutely no qualms about being a sexual person or expressing myself sexually. I’m not shy. I’m not a prude…and never had I had a complaint. Some positions I do should be illegal…(LOL) It feels great when done right….But...I do have a confession.


I don’t want it anymore


Don’t get me wrong, if I get it and it’s good, I enjoy it. But afterwards, I feel so empty. It’s over with. They go home. I go home. The end. I feel like the character in Looking for Mr. Goodbar (except I don’t die...and nothing gets brutal...and there is no drugs…eh...so maybe that isn’t a good example) What’s the point of having sex if there is nothing deeper behind it? Yes, sex feels incredible. Orgasms are great…but at what (emotional) price. If I have to hurt my heart…is sex worth it?

I think after my divorce, I increasingly had given up on love. The men I encountered didn’t want anything more than a sexual relationship and those men who rarely wanted more than that; I didn’t feel anything for them. Empty. Hollow. Dull. These are words I can describe how I felt inside toward the idea of anything deeper. If all men wanted were jump-off and trysts, fine...that’s all I could give them anyway. But deep down, I knew that’s not what I wanted. I wanted a relationship or at least the hopes of building toward a relationship. So far, no dice. I’ve had more sex than I’ve had relationships… (Let me clarify...more sex...Not a lot of partners…no relationships).


Some of my girlfriends think this is fine. “Have you some reliable partners, if you want to get yours, get it… and just do you”. What the hell is “doing me”? I know the 1960’s and 1970’s allowed me to have sexual liberation and freedom. And if I wanted to have a rotation of men, I could. But that empty feeling will still be there. That dull, hollow feeling will still permeate. My bed still will be cold. And nothing will change.


My emotions go from “fuck dudes...Imma just get mine” to “I can’t keep doing this. I feel sad”. I’m not sure where I am in all of this. Men can easily do this. They can separate their emotions and compartmentalize every woman and every encounter. Women can’t do that. We invest a lot of emotions into each and every person we meet. Unless you are Samantha Jones of Sex and the City, most women are not that brutally honest with themselves sexually. To some, penis is penis. For me…I want a connection.


I love sex. But at this moment in time, it’s time to take a “penis sabbatical” and just give sex a rest. Right now it’s about clearing my head and opening my heart…and not opening my legs. I’m certainly not a self-righteous person...but...I just feel that I deserve so much… I don't think I want to be "celibate"...I just don't want to be "selling myself short".
My heart...my body...could use a break.

November 18, 2009

Wordless Wednesday


Me and my Cousin Tosha at the Stone Mtn.-Lithonia Kappa Alpha Psi Red Tie Soiree' 2009.
(Yes..we look like twins...but I'm on the right!)

November 17, 2009

Strange Aphrodisiacs


aph·ro·di·si·ac
Pronunciation: \ˌa-frə-ˈdē-zē-ˌak, -ˈdi-zē-\
Function: noun
Etymology: Greek aphrodisiakos sexual, gem with aphrodisiac properties, from aphrodisia heterosexual pleasures, from neuter plural of aphrodisios of Aphrodite, from Aphroditē
Date: 1719
1 : an agent (as a food or drug) that arouses or is held to arouse sexual desire2 : something that excites


I am a romantic. There, I said it. I admit it. If you have been reading this blog long enough I’m sure you got the hint that I love love…I love romance. I love sex, too. And I love the opposite sex. No offense to my lesbian sistas out there, but something is so damn fine about a man-and especially a black man- that I find totally irresistible. But aside from the physical part of men, little things about them turn me on

But this blog is just not limited to the café-au-lait and deep mahogany that makes me weak. This is just about what I find as an “aphrodisiac” to the opposite sex-tangible and intangible.

Hair- I love hair. I love facial hair. I love hair on a man’s head. Something about the way a scruffy beard feels against my face…my arms…my thighs (lol)…turns me on in the worst way.

Cologne- A good smelling man wins each and every time. And not some cheap stuff…the really good kind they had to go to a Department store to get! LOL. I also like the natural smell of a man….which brings me to

Earthy” smells- I like the smell of sweat and outdoors on a man. Whether he was out playing ball or cutting the grass, it just shows how a man is supposed to sweat and be hard working.

The “satisfied” look men have after they eat- OMG! This is a huge turn on for me. When I was married, I used to call it “the glow”..and I would wanna pounce on my ex-husband. I guess it gives me satisfaction to know that man enjoyed my cooking enough to wanna clean his plate. And if he cleans his plate…he might clean MY plate later if you know what I mean *wink*.

A man with an “adult” drink in his hand- I don’t mean a beer. I mean a high quality scotch in one hand and a cigar in the other (even if he’s just holding it for show). So sexy!

A Meal Of the following: Champagne, Strawberries dipped in chocolate and Lobster. Eating a combo of that meal turns me on! *mental note: Try and get some of that for NYE…even for myself

Games- I love to play the game of “let’s pretend like we are strangers and you are picking me up”. Role play is a turn on..couple that with costumes and outfits…speaking of which


Picking out my Lingerie and Shoes- Something about seeing a man..full of lust..in the middle of Fredericks of Hollywood…or watching me slip on a pair of Louboutin stilettos in Neiman Marcus with complete and total lustful thoughts of seeing them in the air. *shivers* I already have a serious shoe fetish so to have a man that shares that..is just too hot!

An even colored penis-Well..that’s self explanatory. LMAO!


The smell and taste of “me” on his lips- Well..uhm..that one’s self explanatory too (if not..use your imagination!)


A man cooking in the kitchen-Nothing turns me on more than a man channeling his inner G. Garvin! WOO!


A man in an argyle/cashmere sweater, dress shirt, and tie…-Grrrr…drives me wild! LOL!


Hot Dogs- Something quite phallic about eating a sloppy chilli dog. LMAO! (weird I know)

And Finally…

A brain- a big, huge sexy brain full of vocabulary and Jeopardy trivia and intellect and creativity…is the best aphrodisiac of them all.

November 11, 2009

A Grown-Up Christmas List



It's the time of year that I truly love...the holiday season! I love the hustle and bustle of the shopping malls...people finding that special "something" for the ones that they love. The shiny wrapping paper..the smell of gingerbread houses...and the sound of carols being sung... Being bundled up in the finest peacoat and scarf...and looking at Christmas trees in window displays...


Most of all..I get to write out my very own Christmas list. When I was a child, I asked for the best Barbie doll..or cool roller skates with lights....a new dollhouse...or even a new book to read (Ok..I was a little bookworm) and it would be a mile long. As I got older, I wanted all the coolest, hippest in electronics and gadgets , perfume and new handbags and accessories..and my list became smaller and smaller. I was specific and tailored my list to my needs. Gone where the days of running back to school to "compare notes" on what Santa got you this year...


I'm celebrating my first Christmas and holiday season as a divorcee' and my list isn't about the coolest, fastest gadgets...or money...or anything. My needs are much more simple.


All I want for Christmas is....


One sincere, thought-provoking conversation with a man..that doesn't involve my anatomy or his sexual prowess or anything superficial.


A first kiss that makes the giver step back and go "Hmm......nice" and gives me shivers.


The feeling of wanting to run into someone's arms as soon as you see them....joy and giddiness take over.

A smile...brought on by pure, unadulterated happiness.


A nice date. One where I get to dress up..put on full makeup..put my hair up..and wear stilettos

A pair of kind eyes to gaze into...as I marvel at the Christmas Trees...


Someone to reach over and just hold my hand while we look at the Christmas lights in Centennial Park

One genuine, gut-busting laugh..where I throw my head back and just not care who's looking!

Making breakfast for someone who deserves it on Christmas morning while we open small presents to each other...nothing too flashy..or fancy.


A sweet compliment done for the sake of sincerity...not because a man wants something or sex...just likes me for me.

To fall down attempting to ice skate....and being helped up by loving, affectionate arms

A gentle hand...to brush my locs out my face while we lie in bed..sipping hot cocoa...

A calm voice to say a prayer with...as we give thanks this Holiday season for all God has blessed us with.

Slow dancing on NYE in my living room after a champagne toast...and after an evening of dinner and conversation.






See....it's that simple. That's all I want.:)

What's on your Grown-Up Christmas List.

November 7, 2009

Sexy Haikus

Decided to share some of my haikus.............I was bored and inspired at the same time....

Enjoy :)

He smells like heaven
Dancing on the tips of clouds
Please envelope me

Emerald eyes set
Inside caramel smoothness
Better than candy

Hot Caramel Sex
On a platter...serve me up
Double helpings please

You...theraputic
Like a balm for open wounds
Kisses make my heart heal

Slowly I taste you
Licking like a thirsty soul
Nourished by your wilds

Lying on my breasts
I feel your heart pulsating
With mine as one beat

See..Touch..Taste..Smell..Hear
You awaken my senses
From a deep slumber

Sailing between legs
Ocean...you enter my isle
Paradise shipwrecked

Tounge on tip of clit
Clit on tip of tounge...explodes
Breathless it leaves me

I say..."I'm coming"
You say.."Then come..baby...come"
Daddy...I'm all in

Fingertips graze...My
small of my back archs high
Like floating on air

November 6, 2009

Honest Scrap Award


Yakini of The Prissy Mommy Chronicles just gave me a blog award! How COOL!!! I feel honored! *cheese*

Now I have the honor of passing the award along to my favorite 5 bloggers!



The Skinny:
Say thanks and link back to the presenter of the award.
Share "10 Honest Things" about myself.
Present this award to 5 others whose blogs I find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged me.
Tell those 5 people they've been awarded HONEST SCRAP and inform them of these guidelines upon receiving.



10 Honest Things:



  • I miss my husband. Yes, I'm divorced and I am cool with it. But I miss him dearly cause quite frankly I really miss "what could have been". To invest 7 years into dating someone and to have it all leave is so hard to do. No one loved me like my ex-husband did-good or bad. Being divorced made me feel like a total failure.



  • I HATE dating. There. I said it. It's a necessary evil most of the time. And I'm just not finding anyone who gives me butterflies..*sigh*..yet I press on!



  • At 30, I am finally embracing my curves, brown-skin, natural hair...and whoever doesn;t like it, can SUCK IT!



  • I fear that I'll never remarry and never have children. And I want both very badly

  • I don't have any close girlfriends in ATL. Most live far away and I miss them SO much. *sigh* Woulda made this year more bearable if they were near..

  • In the past year, I've had more sex than I've had meaningful relationships. And perhaps I just use sex as the substitute.

  • I've committed myself to go all in for this PhD but I am terrified that I'm going to fail or not get into the program or be lazy. I'm not sure.

  • I love my mother. I know she means well but....*sigh* I feel like she has NO IDEA what I'm going through.

  • This is my first time living TOTALLY alone (sans husband...sans roommates). And I HATE it. I mean I thought it would be cool at first but now I'm totally over it! LOL.

  • I feel like no one reads my blog becuase I don't update as often or the material is boring. I promise to do better in the future. I have another blog that I keep up with more (On Xanga.com) but even then, I feel totally shunned by a select few people which hurts.



5 Bloggers:

Michelle @ http://www.curvyecocentric.com/

Marissa @ http://thishouseintoahome.blogspot.com/

Stacie @ http://fashungroupie.blogspot.com/

Keke @http://kekelang-forshadow.blogspot.com/

Denise@ http://itsnoteasyraisinggreen.blogspot.com/

The New (Unspoken) Rules of Dating: An Observational Study in Male Behavior



As I enter my first full year as a divorcee, I have encountered some rather strange habits of the new breed of male species. Here is my run-down of my observational exploits in the dating world



1) The Phone Call Is Obsolete- Remember the days when your heart raced after you gave a guy number? And you waited by the phone for that all important “first phone conversation”? Well…gone are those days! They don’t talk on the phone. They say stuff like “I’m just not a phone person” or “I’d rather be hands-free”. Men don’t talk on the phone at all….which leads me to my next point….



2) The TEXT has replaced Human Communication- Instead of getting that first phone call; you get the “first text”. WTF! You can’t call and say sweet nothings? Instead, men want to have lengthy conversations via text. They even take out all of the fun of being sexy and alluring by instantly asking for “pics” and sending dirty texts along with their LOL smiley faces. They want to ask you out via text! Damn you SMS! You are ruining human contact!



3) First Dates now consist of “chilling”- Uhm…so a “first date” now is going to a girl’s house (or she coming to yours) and just sitting there…eating up all HER food…laying around on HER COUCH...and possibly having sex. Damn, you could at least bring a $1 movie from the Redbox and some take out! What happened to the creativity of the first date? A cool sporting event? A nice, quiet restaurant. I know there is a recession in place right now but creativity does not have to cost a ton of cash.



4) Can you at least take me out before you (attempt to) get some ass? - We all have needs. We are sexual creatures. But men feel as though they need little or no effort to get the panties...They want it JUST because they are men. What happened to proper courting and patience? What happened to getting to know a girl? You may be sleeping with a psycho and not know it. You don’t want one night to have you end up on Maury. And when they DO get the ass, they are running in and out. (Mysteriously, those cell phone calls that they don’t take…they are taking them!) And taking me out to some run-down dive is NOT a proper date. ONE date...doesn’t mean you get the keys to the kingdom.



5) Men have no idea how to prioritize- If they have kids...It’s all about the kids and there leaves no room for you. If they are about work, then you will take a back seat. I was told that if a man wants you, he will make time for you. Often times, men will have you fit in a small part of their lives. They run in and out and thus your place in their lives isn’t a priority.



6) There are too many options- Men (esp. single, black, attractive and educated men) know they are a hot commodity. There are more of US and less of them. Playing the field becomes more attractive. Being “the old man in the club” isn’t so bad and the idea of a relationship is more like a noose around their necks. The media feeds them the idea that they can land a young chick at any time. They don’t want to be tied down and some are quite bold.



7) Lying to yourself is not fooling me- True, I live in ATL and people feel it’s synonymous with “down-low” and “swinger” behavior. But, this type of lying and scheming doesn’t only apply to the down low lifestyle. I’ve ran across married men who freely cheat (AND don’t hide the fact that they are married), men who have “unusual” sexual proclivities, and folks with questionable motives. Sad part is, they aren’t really hiding like they used to.



8) There is no romance- It literally died. No sweet notes. No flowers. Nothing. They want maximum output (i.e. sex) for minimal effort or no effort at all. A girl likes to be courted. We aren’t looking for Prince Charming just a gentleman. We don’t want to be rescued, just appreciated. And as the old adage says “Women need romance for sex; Men need sex for romance”. Yet sex does not equal romance, either. You get bored after a while.



9) Do you know the word “share”? - In a conversation w/ a prospective beau, it’s about sharing. You want to know any and everything about that person. But nowadays, guys withhold so much. It’s like pulling teeth to get to know someone. It’s crazy. Like they have no social skills whatsoever. I’m an engaging person. When I am into someone, I love talking to them. It hurts when someone doesn’t want to share with you. You don’t have to be 100% transparent of the jump, but being willing to be open helps. Conversely…



10) Sometimes Men are Doing “The Most”- And apparently women are supposed to take it and/or like it. You have guys who have no idea what “pacing” is-you know, taking things easy. They do WAY too much, way too soon. They share WAY too much, way too soon. They text you TOO much. They call you TOO MUCH. They just act WAY too thirsty for attention, sex, and companionship. No..I don’t want to go home to Thanksgiving to meet your Nana! YES, we are all a little lonely, but coming across as desperate and a bit “stalkerish” gets you nowhere. You don’t get “boyfriend” status after a few dates. Just because we had sex, doesn’t mean you have any claims on me. Just CHILL...take it slow (but not TOO slow)..and it’ll be alright. Goodness!

October 23, 2009

Playing Your Position: A Mistress' Guidebook



In the wake of the recent extramarital affairs and mishaps of Steve McNair, John Edwards, David Letterman, and ESPN’s Steve Phillips’, I think that it may be prudent to write a little “handbook” on how to be a mistress aka a “sideline hoe”. I shall call this mini-book Hoe, Stay In Your MuthaF**king Lane.

Now, let me first say I am TOTALLY against cheating. As a divorced woman, I know how that can hurt whether it be emotional or physical. AND..I was confronted w/ the reality of the DUMBEST chicks on earth (LOL). BUT...if you are GONNA be a sideline hoe, there are a few things you need to know. And for the record, I’ve never been ANYBODY’s mistress… but based on observations of friends, my own experiences via family, funny quips from girls on my webgroups (Twitter, Chocolatebrides, Xanga, etc) and the media, here are some tips the HOE needs to follow.

1) You are NOT FIRST Priority- his wife will forever and always be first. He’s NOT leaving her. So get those fantasies out of your head. No matter what he says…no divorce will be on the horizon for you and your “dude” to be together. NO YOUR PLACE and stay in your line. Open your legs open your mouth; swallow your pride, and LIE THERE. That’s your job. (and occasionally stroking some ego…)
2) Leave your emotions out of it-. Don’t be up here falling in love, waiting with baited breath when dude calls. Go on about your normal day and do your thing. When he calls, make time. If not, move on Don’t let him in your own emotional world. Try not to be that emotionally invested otherwise you will have a mental breakdown
3) If you are going to whore, whore with “purpose”- What are you getting out of this? If all he is doing is laying pipe and saying sweet nothings, you aren’t getting much. Get some bills paid. Get some bobbles, and trinkets and things out the deal. Some diamonds. A few vacations. Hey...that’s what professionals do. *shrug*
4) Don’t try and confront the wife, his kids, etc. What good is that going to do? Remember rule #1…he’s NEVER leaving. He may get divorced...but 10 times outta 9 you are not part of the package. And trust me; every smart woman knows her man is cheating. It wouldn’t be like you were springing big news on her. What on earth could the wife do to you aside from kick your ass?
5) Do not become “clingy/obsessive”- it’s not cute. It’s not going to get you anything but restraining orders and cutting off your funds.
6) Remember: Your pussy is NOTHING special. It’s just pussy. Trust and believe, It’s not “platinum” (that would mean he’d be having fits over seeing you, leaving his wife, raising YOUR kids, etc.) …it might be “gold-plated” silver at best. No matter how good you are “doing” dude…trust and believe...he’s had better. And no amount of screwing is going to make dude leave his wife. Your freaky proclivities are just stuff his wife won’t do…but certainly he could have found anyone to do it. For real. you don’t have “sunshine” (remember Harlem Nights? LOL) Yeah babe, you don’t have it.
7) Trust me you don’t look better than the wife- Just believe it. Face it. Make it your reality. Side-line hoes are always uglier than the wife. And if you just so happen to be prettier, lucky you! But that was just luck!
8) You probably aren’t the only “mistress”- Most men (esp. high powered one) have more than one mistress. Wife-Mistress-Girlfriend. That’s how it usually goes. Why does he do this? BECAUSE HE CAN
9) It ain’t trickin’ if you got it- and if he doesn’t have IT…trust me it’s not worth being a sideline hoe for. Again, what is he doing for YOU
10)DO NOT GET PREGNANT- I don’t give a damn what fancy-ignoramus scheme you think this will net you. (child support, etc) You don’t get pregnant by the John (hookers use precautions to NOT get pregnant. and porn stars too...and so should you). What did you think? A BABY would get him to leave his wife and family? Are you insane? Or just mentally retarded? How can you explain that to the kid? HIS other kids? Etc. Makes no sense whatsoever!

And let me add a few tips for the MEN



1) Stop getting these YOUNG girls to be your sideline hoe- They are mentally unstable, They have no idea what it takes to BE on the sidelines. These aren’t your father’s “kept women” who knew their place. These broads will show up to your job, stalk your wife, and stalk your kids, ride miles in a diaper to confront you…just sick!
2) If your penchant is for young tenders, get a hooker- at least they know their job.
3) Stop falling in LOVE with these hoes and making promises you cant keep- you know damn well you aren’t moving to Argentina! You know you cant keep funding her college education. Stop making her think you are a family
4) Your job is to provide funds, gifts, and penis- you got to pay to play. No more. No less
5) Don’t sh*t where you eat- Stop meeting these hoes on the JOB! WTF! Go outside the job! Also, don’t mess w/ your wife’s’ step-granddaughter or her best friend. Etc. PLEASE let it be a total and complete stranger . FURTHERMORE, stop taking these broads out in PUBLIC. ....
6) Put a hat on it- I don’t care how GOOD it might feel…wear a condom! PERIOD! At all times. You don’t need the babies. (and speaking of which, you might want to have an emergency “abortion” fund just in case…)

As for the wives

One Rule: Pray. Just be prayerful your husband doesn’t do this. Love him, yet don’t overly stroke his ego. Women want security, men want to feel relevant. Make him feel relevant. This isn’t to say be a doormat. If something is wrong, speak up. If you don’t like his actions, confront him. And don’t be afraid to LEAVE. And revenge is never the answer. EVER. Keep the lines of communication (sexual and otherwise) open. At least even if he does step out, you can say “I tried my best”. And then it’s on HIM to pay for his own sins!

October 20, 2009

A Follow-Up Blog: Click-A-Date

When we last left off, ya’ll, I had gone out on a total limb and met this fine, and caramel skinned Adonis at the coffee shop from a dating site. Well….he’s still around but….well...let me back it the story up:

After I met the man I now call “Green Eyes”, we talked for a while. I noticed that he'd much rather text or IM than talk on the phone. Hmmm...A bit of a red flag for me but in this age of technology, I really don’t expect me to be super talkative on the phone. We have talked...but maybe a total of 3-4 times. After our initial meeting, I sent him a text and said it was a pleasure to meet him. I didn’t get a response until the next day. I felt somewhat hurt that he didn’t appear to have the same enthusiasm I had felt. He asked me...”So…what was your impression of me?” And I said quite sweetly that I thought he was nice, handsome man and we had great conversation. He said he enjoyed talking to me and that he “had to stop himself from staring and drooling”. Interesting.

He constantly sends me “Good morning” texts…which is also very sweet but there isn’t much else after the texts...sometimes he goes hours without responding. Another red flag for me. It’s not that I NEED or want constant texting but going hours and hours without correspondence really tells me a) you are too busy and b) perhaps you have your “poker” in multiple fires...if you know what I mean. or c) as I read in Hill Harper's book "You are contacting me NOW with a general text in order for you not to have to contact me for the rest of the day to have the appearance that I'm on your mind.". Very slick move by brothas these days...LOL

I think the kicker was our first “date”. I put that in quotes for a reason. He picked me up at my job and we went to a spot that made salads. Oh,he did all the gentlemanly things: opened doors, got my drink for me, let me taste his food. But he did commit one cardinal sin: I paid for my lunch. Yeah, I paid for my own lunch despite the fact that HE asked me to lunch in the first place (and another thing: he asked me via text which I found a bit off-putting.BUT…I was willing to look past that). I am a firm believer in the rule “he who asks, pays” and HE could mean SHE because I’ve certainly paid for a date a time or two without qualms. The conversation at lunch was good for the most part, but somehow, I don’t know, I felt maybe he didn’t want to get to know me. When I asked was there anything he wanted to know about me, he said “Well...I read your Facebook and stuff...and you’re sexy...what else do I need to know?” WOW…really, dude? I spoke about myself and he didn’t appear to be listening which made me think I was boring. Yikes! The follow up text after the date was “I got to see more of your shape”. I must admit, that hurt me. I thought “Wow! I thought I was quite charming today and the only thing he could comment on was that he got to see more of my physique?” (Ok, so maybe he committed a few cardinal dating sins. LOL.)

So I guess I can’t call it a date if I paid for my own lunch. He was just accompanying to me at lunch, you know? I will say we had a great hug and laughed and things...but...I don’t know. *sigh* A lot remains to be seen. I mean I’m certainly not putting all my eggs in one basket and I am certainly going to date more. But I thought for sure I hit a home run my first time at bat! So much is/was confusing (but hammercy if that man wasn't fine! I could lick his face off...LOL) . I don't know much about the male psyche....LOL

There is more that some of my friends know BUT I won’t spoil my general reading public with it or have a biased opinion. I don’t want to discourage you all from trying something new or finding love/friends in a new spot. I am so glad I met Green Eyes. If anything, he’ll be a great friend! AND it also goes to show me that I can pull a man that fine! I mean it was a SERIOUS confidence booster! We still speak and he's sweet and I hold nothing against him and I won't! I mean a lot can occur and part of me still hopes upon hopes and wishing that there is a romantic connection...only God knows!

I actually ended up deleting my profile from that site. I realized that I didn’t have enough time or energy to put into it. I had to concentrate on school, work, etc. and perhaps this was a distraction for me from the big picture of things going on in my life.


A lot remains to be seen…but…

As Jay-Z says….”ON TO THE NEXT ONE!”

Toodles, ya’ll!!

Tee

October 12, 2009

Stepping Outside the Box: Click-a-Date



So my friend J, a tall, voluptuous Blasian girl that would put Kimora Lee Simmons to shame, suggested that I try internet dating. Now..I've been dabbling in the world of on-line dating (really on the peripheral) for a while.



I mean..back in the day, all the college kids used College Club and BlackPlanet. We even had sites for Greeks back in the day as well. All of that seemed rather safe. I mean if anything, with those worlds being SO small, you could have a safe checks and balances. It was invaluable to us as black students. We could connect with folks, sorors and frats. It was fun. I met a few guys from there (mostly fellow Greeks) and dated some long term. I even met my best, closest friends on the Internet. I even reconnected w/ my ex husband via Blackplanet (we had met like 2 years before when he came to my alma mater on a road trip). I digress.....



After the divorce, I had profiles everywhere. BlackPeopleMeet, Match, EHarmony, and even Yahoo. NO hits whatsoever. I even joined Asian Ave trying to find "something new". BUT...no luck. I keep meeting weirdos and duds. OR the people I contacted never contacted be back. AND it was getting expensive. And I realized also...this was WAY too soon. I needed to take a break.So anyway...J suggested that I try another site. PlentyofFish.com (I am in now way endorsing any site over another..this is just my blog experience). She had been having great results where she was (She's in S. Florida) and met some fine hunks of chocolate. I was like.hmmm... The bonus: It was totally free.



So, given that this was almost a year to the date of my divorce, I felt it was enough time to be away from that medium. I put up a VERY specific profile on there. I waited..and waited. No hits. I got my first hit after about a month of being on there. OMG..dude was SO not my type. After that, I kept encountering guys who just did nothing for me. Men who were not articulate. Men with too many kids. With too many divorces. The guys I contacted were also not contacting me back, *sigh*...Discouraged I thought about giving up.... that is....until..

I was browsing the site at work, bored to death, and came across the profile of one gorgeous, caramel colored brotha with some very intense green eyes. I stared for a second and contemplated not sending anything. "This man is far too good looking", I said to myself. I read his profile, looked at his picture and sent him a simple message: "Hello. Nice Tattoos".

I waited a while and he wrote me back..we traded messages every few days. Finally he sent me his number and said call him. I did but it was very brief. We continued to send IM"s and chat. Finally, today was the day we were to meet in person.

I was nervous and terrified with my stomach in knots. The original lunch date got cancelled due to inclimate weather and I asked him could be meet me at Starbucks near my house. My girl J (And my girl N) was texting me with her suggestions concerns and suggestions on how to
interact. I'd never done anything like this before and I needed help on all ends.

I waited about 30 minutes (was getting nervous and thought about backing out)..and in walks this tall, thick, fine, caramel, green-eyed drink of hot butterscotch sauce! LOL. I almost died..but I had to keep it cool. Brothaman was GORGEOUS. My hands were shaking for a little while and I think I probably had a cheese-eating grin the whole time. I got up and hugged him. (Sidebar: You know how you have one of those hugs you wanna sink into but try hard not to..yeah..it was one of those. )

We talked for like an hour about a range of topics, from football to finances. I think after a while we both loosened up and were able to laugh. I asked was I anything like my pictures (I had even let him have privileged FB access) and he said "OH yeah..definitely!" I said "Likewise" (but truly..likewise was an understatement).

Afterwards, we hugged and he left. There were no definite plans of seeing each other again..but I hope so. I texted him and said it was a pleasure to meet him. I mean a girl can be hopeful!

At least I can say that I took a chance and tried a new way of dating.

Would I do it again? Maybe. If the odds were good I'd meet some Adonis...er..I mean nice man like this (LOL). Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised. I can't stop smiling.

This was totally stepping out of the box for real! :)

October 7, 2009

Commuter Realities

I take public transportation to work everyday. I don’t own a car right now (which often times seems like a liability in the dating world…btw) and I am trying to get my other finances and the PhD situation straightened out before I get into a loan for a depreciating debt. But I digress….

I get to work about 7:30 and leave work around 4:30. My commute isn’t long at all (about 45 minutes). Most days I sit and read a book or play around on my Blackberry to pass the time….trying to ignore begging drug addicts, rude teenagers, loud, boorish men, and other unpleasantries.

Yesterday, I sat on the bus and just looked around. I didn’t see a single man on my shuttle from work. Most of the women were black, older, round and shapely…Their hands were withered and labored. They breathed hard breathes, as if they had exasperated themselves completely. Some wore work uniforms, denoting their roles as custodial or cooking services. Some, like me, wore business casual attire. But they all had one thing in common: their souls looked so bothered and tired. They appeared burdened and exhausted. Granted, the day could have worn them out. No one LIKES to work at a place that undermines, undervalues and underappreciated them. But…they looked like they worked and slaved all day for absolutely nothing…and those that they were going home to absolutely nothing.

I admit the latter is a total assumption on my part. But it just appeared to be that way. I wondered: Do these women go home to loving, hardworking husbands? Or a husband who isn’t sh*t? Or no one at all? A cat? Or several cats? Do they eat a perfectly portioned dinner for one alone in front of the TV everyday? Do they eat at all? Or maybe read their bibles or listen to music? Did some of the other women have children or grandchildren? Or none at all? I caught the eye of a woman I used to work with in another department. She spoke to me in her usual lively voice and I smiled and returned the greeting. I knew for a fact she was well into her 60’s, college educated, unmarried, and had lived with a brother who died not too long ago. She owned her own home and lived alone. She had been working the same job for what seemed like 35 or more years.

I sat frozen and paralyzed once the bus stopped... The women had long departed and I had to snap out of it. Tears rolled down my face and quickly wiped them off. I said to myself “Oh God. What if this is me in another 20 years. Doing the same routine day after day…and coming home to absolutely nothing?” In my case, I ‘m allergic to cats so there would be NOTHING. Not even a cat. (And I do not want to turn into “cat lady”)

It was a very harsh thing to possibly see your future reflected in the faces of women you saw everyday. It was as if someone held The Wicked Witch’s magic mirror up to your face…and you saw what was inside you…and what could be your future.

It’s up to me to try and change it. I hope by making small strides I am doing just that.

October 5, 2009

Because They Can


In talking to various men in my life (not necessarily IN my life, but just swirling around the peripheral of my life), I’ve come to an understanding about why men operate the way they do. Simply…

BECAUSE THEY CAN

I asked a male friend of mine why did he marry his wife and why is he staying? Innocent enough question. Is it monitary? Does she fulfill some sort of need otherwise? Is it a comfortable lifestyle? Is it her connections? He said “The truth is that I'm w/my wife for the same reasons I married her. She's been a good friend, a staunch ally through some really difficult shit, we have fun together, & I love her. Nothing superficial. That's not 2 say that it's been all rosy obviously. It's been horrible @ times, a lot of time. But those are the fundamental reasons that kept me fighting 4 the relationship in a nutshell.”

I’m sure some of you reading are going “Aww…that;s great”. Did I mention he’s been cheating on his wife for the past year (maybe more)? Yeah………not so altruistic and noble now is it. He’s quick to point out “I’m a flawed man, I’m not perfect, etc.” yet is doing absolutely NOTHING to change that behavior. Why is he cheating? Because he can.

I had an epiphany right then and there. Even the slimiest of men can love their wives. Furthermore, it took me 15 years of dating...6 years of a relationship and 2.5 years of marriage to realize that men stay out of OBLIGATION. Nothing More. Nothing Less. I think even part of the reason my ex husband stayed as long as he did was due to obligation. I’m sure he loved me, but he was OBLIGATED to stay as long as he did...until I ended it. Passive-aggressive behavior. Why did he do the things he did in the marriage? BECAUSE HE COULD. Period.

I talked to my frat brother (who has appeared more than once in my blog..same dude who said my “married”, non-cooking friends need to teach me something), about the dynamics of male female relationships. He claims that he understands them perfectly. His “rules” he said. He said, “ It’s not supposed to 'make sense' because emotions are involved. Nobody wants to be hurt so we say this or don't say that in an effort to preserve our feelings. We say we want the truth but get mad when we hear it.” Hmm, that's all well and good but I thought to myself (and asked him), “If you have this great understanding of relationships, then why aren’t you settling down instead of having a steady diet of “cut buddies?” His answer: Don’t worry about me. Is that right? He said that because he understands how it [relationships] works, why does it have to work for him right now. Why not?? You are damn near 30 years old!! So I asked if he was just waiting to settle down OR does he have a specific person that he wants to settle down with?” He said, “Yes”.
*pause*
Ok…it doesn’t make sense to me that if you have someone you KNOW you want to be with…that you are steady flirting with women, lusting after women, sexing/sexting other women. Shouldn’t your focus be to prepare yourself spiritually, physically and emotionally for your mate? He said I was painting him out to be a “horndog out here busting nuts with total disregard” and that he “actually looks at more women than sex them down” and that I am “taking things too literal”. That isn’t how I painted him to be, that’s how he portrays himself. *shrug*. I can only work with the information given to me. So why is he doing this?? Because he can.

My sorority sister pointed out to me that “men live in the meantime”. They do all that they want to do until they feel that the time has come for them to put away childish things, attitudes and approaches. I just feel it’s dangerous and self-destructive. Men, however, don’t feel that way. They are just “doing them”. Fine. Go ahead and masterbate your ego. It’s wasted energy.

Not only do men do these things “because they can” (in the famous words of Bill Clinton re: his affair with Monica Lewinski ), but because WE ALLOW them to. I’m totally not putting the blame on men nor is this a “I hate men” diatribe. But until women put their foot down on how they will be treated, we will be nothing more than “playthings” for men until we ask to be loved, respected, and given what we want. No more. No less. Stop giving people the ROPE to hang you with.

It saddens me to think that these are the types of games and mindsets of a lot of men that I have to look forward to in the dating world. I just refuse to settle for bullshit. IN THE MEANTIME, for me, I’m placing myself spiritually, physically, and emotionally in a realm of love, understanding and focus on building something significant. I’m not going to be someone’s “meantime girl” or “mistress on the side” or “fun-time girl they get their jollies with until some other broad gets HER mind right”.

I deserve more than that.

WE (as human beings) deserve more than that.

September 26, 2009

Single Sistas Guide to Savvy Cuisine

So this week's Recipes were: Chicken Marsala with Capellini pasta and Sauteed Spinach (my own recipe) and Becca's Jalapeno Poppers




Thursday
I decided to change up my boring mid-week meal and do something a little "fancier". I did my research and compared some recipes and combined a few for this Chicken Marsala recipe.






Chicken Marsala
Ingredients
4 skinless, boneless, chicken breasts (about 1 1/2 pounds)
All-purpose flour, for dredging
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil
4 ounces prosciutto, thinly sliced
8 ounces crimini or porcini mushrooms, stemmed and halved
1/2 cup sweet Marsala wine
1/2 cup chicken stock
2 tablespoon unsalted butter
1/4 cup chopped flat-leaf parsley



Directions
Put the chicken breasts side by side on a cutting board and lay a piece of plastic wrap over them; pound with a flat meat mallet, until they are about 1/4-inch thick. Put some flour in a shallow platter and season with a fair amount of salt and pepper; mix with a fork to distribute evenly.
Heat the oil over medium-high flame in a large skillet. When the oil is nice and hot, dredge both sides of the chicken cutlets in the seasoned flour, shaking off the excess. Slip the cutlets into the pan and fry for 5 minutes on each side until golden, turning once – do this in batches if the pieces don't fit comfortably in the pan. Remove the chicken to a large platter in a single layer to keep warm.
Lower the heat to medium and add the prosciutto to the drippings in the pan, saute for 1 minute to render out some of the fat. Now, add the mushrooms and saute until they are nicely browned and their moisture has evaporated, about 5 minutes; season with salt and pepper. Pour the Marsala in the pan and boil down for a few seconds to cook out the alcohol. Add the chicken stock and simmer for a minute to reduce the sauce slightly. Stir in the butter and return the chicken to the pan; simmer gently for 1 minute to heat the chicken through. Season with salt and pepper and garnish with chopped parsley before serving.



***********

Ok so I had to do some improvisation with the recipe.







All the ingredients

I didn't have any boneless chicken, therefore I deboned some chicken breast. I saved the bones and etc. to make chicken stock later





I put the chicken between plastic wrap and pounded it (w/ my rolling pin) to about 1/4 inch thick

Mixing the flour mixture for dredging the chicken lightly



Frying the chicken in olive oil until golden brown

I didn't have any panchetta (a type of smoked Italian bacon) so I used some applewood smoked bacon



I added the broth and marsala to the mushrooms to deglaze the pan. I also added some garlic (about 4 cloves) because I feel Italian needs garlic! After it was all nice and brown, I added the butter



Meanwhile I cooked the Cappellini (a type of angel hair pasta) for 3 minutes in boiling hot water, koser salt and set it aside




As the chicken was simmering, I prepared my famous sauteed Spinach (just a recipe that I threw together. It consist of:
8 oz of fresh spinach
about 3-4 tbs olive oil plus 1 tbs butter
2 cloves of garlic
Juice of 1 lemon
black pepper and kosher salt (to taste)
2-4 tsp of grated parmesan cheese






Let it the oil and butter wilt the greens of the spinach, then add the garlic and other ingredients until perfectly cooked. Don't worry if you think you have too much greens. They will wilt with the heat.






The Final Product (with some cherry tomatoes as Garnish).







I placed the chicken marasala over the cappellini and served the spianch on the side
It was so good! My dinner guest said it was like an orgasm for your mouth! LOL!

Saturday

Today's "Game Day" appetizer was Becca's Jalapeno Poppers (with a bit of my improvisation of course. Becca (sisters_luv) had been telling me all abotu her Jalapeni poppers that her son Eric loves and I said I had to try it!. I found a few recipes and I had to combine them. So in a lot of ways....it was Tati and Becca's Jalapeno Poppers! (LOL)

Jalapeno Poppers



12 fresh jalapeno peppers, halved lengthwise, stems, seeds and membranes removed
6 ounces cream cheese, softened
1 1/2 cups grated Monterey Jack or mozzarella cheese
1/4 cup of crumbled Queso Fresco
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon cayenne, or less, to taste
· 4 large garlic cloves, minced
· 1/4 cup finely chopped sun-dried tomato
· 2 tablespoons finely chopped fresh cilantro
· 1/2 teaspoon coarse sea salt (to taste)
· 1 lb bacon
toothpicks, soaked for about 15 minutes in water

Directions

Mix cream cheese, garlic, sundried tomatoes, cilantro and salt and spices until well blended. You can now set the mixture aside or even freeze for up to a couple of months in a freezer bag. 2
You'll want to wear some kitchen gloves for this step! Slice the jalapeños lengthwise, being careful not to slice them in half. Then slice at the top along the width of the pepper just about a quarter inch below the base of the stem until you cut through the core, again being careful not to cut completely through the pepper (This step will probably take some practice). Now you need to decide whether you want to keep the seed webbing for those that like it really hot, or remove them for a lot less heat. I like to do about half and half so that you can please everyone. Anyway, if removing the seeds, gently remove the core using a paring knife by spreading the pepper carefully, you may need to shake some of the remaining seeds out.
Separate the strips of bacon and cook in the microwave for about 5 minutes on high, just enough to give it a head start. Then pat dry with paper towels. Just to soak up some of the grease. Set it aside to cool. Fill either a pastry bag or just a freezer bag (cutting one corner out), and pipe some of the filling into each pepper until full but still able to almost close the pepper. Wrap each pepper with a strip of bacon then use two or three toothpicks to secure the pepper closed. Bake on a rack on a cookie sheet (with foil underneath) for about 25-30 minutes until the bacon is crispy




**********


I did my own sun-dried tomatoes. It took me about 6 hrs. I de-seeded some tomatoes, brushed them with olive oil, sea salt, and italian seasonings, put them on a rack, and had them on low for about 8 hrs in the oven...and I let them cool. The rest I froze for later use....


Here is the mixture I had all mixed up. It was VERY tasty. I also added some Queso Fresco to it (just half a small pack crumbled). I think this would also be a good dip for chips!

De-Seeded and stuffed jalapenos...





While the bacon was cooking in the microwave then cooling, I had the toothpicks soaking.




I wrapped them with bacon and secured the jalapenos with toothpicks before placing them on a oil-sprayed racked





After about 30 minutes..VOILA! They were all done! Just oozing out and smelled great!





I poured myself a cold Red Stripe and munched on these while I watched the UGA game







**********



Tomorrow I'm having a pretty traditional Southern dinner: baked ham, string beans, mac and cheese and candied yams. It's been a while since I just ate back to my roots.



Next Week's New Recipes: Canelloni stuffed w/ Ricotta and Spinach. and Steak Diane

Stay Tuned, ya'll!!! This has been VERY fun to share every week!

September 25, 2009

Fall Wardrobe Must Haves

I need to update my Fall Wardrobe. Here are a list of my Must Haves
Gray Open-Toe Booties
Gray or Burberry Print Wrap/Pashmina
Houndstooth Coat



Printed Tights by Hue
Over the Knee/Thigh Boots





RED Trench Coat (If I don't get anything this winter..this is it!)



Long sleeve Blouses (for work..of course)





Pencil Skirts (ShapeFX and NY and CO have some NICE ones)







Cardigans







2 New Pairs of Jeans (Guess and Nine West are the only ones that make me appear to have some junk in the trunk!)













September 24, 2009

Overhauling....

Every few years or so, I get into making myself a “project”. As in, transforming my entire look and I become a project. This usually occurs when some major milestone has happened in my life: joining my sorority, getting engaged, turning 25…turning 30...getting divorced. You name it; I celebrate my overhauling my looks.

About 10 years ago. I went totally and completely natural and chemical free with my hair. 5 years after that, I began my locs. When I was divorcing, I started losing weight and I changed up my style of dress, not trying to hide my figure and embracing who I am. And just this year. I went from brown locs to reddish-blonde to celebrate turning 30. My makeup went from pretty conservative to sometimes drama filled at times. Then back to pretty neutral (well. I can’t count make-up. That is usually when the mood hits me, depends on the occasion, etc.) I even got a new tattoo.

I need a major make-over. I mean..I feel fine. Still on the weight loss tip. Still working out. Still caring and enjoying my locs. But I am entirely too bored with my look. I think I want something new for this year. And I’m thinking about going jet black.Start wearing black nail polish and deep purple lipstick (lol). I know that sounds extreme, but that’s where I want to go with it.
I thought about cutting my locs right after the divorced but I heard outrage and cries of despair from my family and friends. (Hmm..funny..because these were the same people that when I was growing my locs didn’t think it was a good idea.). So I did a compromise and colored my hair. I just want to reinvent myself…perhaps I’d attract a better energy with a new look. I don’t know..*shrug*





Hmmm..I’m fresh out of ideas!

September 23, 2009

The "Relationship" Type




When you were born, you were born with a certain blood type. Most of us are O+, the universal donor. Some of us are O-, AB+, and even rarely, B+. We had no control over the blood type that we were born with….we have no control with the way we were created. We are who we are. It’s part of your DNA.

Much of the same can be said with the type of person you are when it comes to the opposite sex. Some are the “fly by night”types. Some are the “serial dater” types. Some are “wallflowers and recluses”. Some are the “sex and that’s it types”. Some are “non-committal”. A lot of this is shaped by life’s experiences but most of the times, it’s just who you are. But as for me, I am the “relationship type”. And I’m rather proud of that.

I had a conversation with someone about just having a “friend with benefits” and they laughed at me and said “I don’t think that’s your thing. You seem like the relationship type”. It wasn’t said with reverence or admiration. More of accusatory tone like “Ugh...you just HAVE to be in a relationship...HOW LAME. You mean to tell me you just can’t do the sex thing. And because of that…I don’t think I could deal with you”. (These are all presumptions btw…lol) I was taken aback, I’m like “Yo..I can be the SEX type...but what’s so wrong with being the relationship type? Is that so bad these days? And who wants to be?” This honestly, is fine with me. I am not the strictly “sexual” type. I mean we all have our urges and needs, and sometime we give into them. But going into 10 months of being divorced, I can’t imagine myself just being “Samantha Jones” for the rest of my adult years. Even Sam settled down for a few stretches in her sexual adventures.

I’m totally cool with being the “relationship” type. It’s ok that it’s part of my DNA. I feel comfortable in relationships yet at the same time, my life doesn’t revolve around it. I mean, I was married for God’s sake AND I’m divorced. So clearly, I can be without a relationship as well…but at the same time, I was built for “comfort” not for speed.

When the time comes, I’d like for someone to appreciate the fact that I value relationships. I think with proper time and growth and prayer, they can become valuable to you. Some may last. Some may not. In either regard, they are there to teach you something. But I am certainly not going to apologize for being who I am when it comes to dating. I am not going to change my habits. I’ve done that far too many times when I was in my 20’s and I am too old for that now.

So I’ll proudly show my card that I am the “relationship type”-donating my love, my heart, my time and my warmth to someone who deserves it. It's life sustaining...
Let’s hope I get my “match” the next time around…..

September 22, 2009

When Your Ex Starts Dating..


How do you deal when your ex begins dating again……?


Recently, my ex-husband went on his first “real” date post-marriage. And strangely enough, I helped him plan the outing. I am sort of glad we are at that point in our relationship where we can just be friends and cordial.



He picked a place to have a massage...and then took her to a nice seafood restaurant in the city. We are very “Naomi and Sam” from Private Practice (minus the sex...obviously). I was sort of excited for him partly because it was like I was planning the ultimate date for myself. Despite the fact that we hurt each other in tremendous ways, I was glad that he was able to find someone that interested him and he wanted to show them a good time. After the date, he told me he had a great time despite the young lady not really speaking as much. This is hard because my ex husband is somewhat introverted so two introverts can’t just sit there and expect “magic” to happen. She even got the check at dinner (because he paid a pretty penny for the massage). The following week, they went to see Musiq in concert. He was upset that she didn’t seem “into” him but they are continuing on with a friendship and planning other dates.



Trust me, I was glad. For one, it took any notion of “us” getting back together out his mind. I mean, your ex wife helping plan your dates should be a sign. Secondly, I got to live a bit vicariously though him. Once upon a time, my ex had done those same things-taking me to nice dinners, we had several massages. The problem was more often than not, I’d be picking up the check (LOL) and I felt resentful (circumstances were very different). But part of me felt a twinge of…….hmm…I don’t know.



I wouldn’t call it a twinge of jealousy. It’s sadness. I think the sadness I feel is because he’s dating and I’m not. It would help if I too was in the dating scene. But that’s not happening. I’m upset and frustrated. I keep meeting absolute duds. Dudes who just want some nookie, dudes who want “cut buddies”, dudes who have a virtual Rolodex of pussy (pardon my language) or dudes who are in these “complicated” situations-mad kids, too broke, living with their mothers, separated yet NOT divorced, or too immature to settle down and because they know the “ratio” is in their favor, they play the field endlessly.



And it is a bit upsetting when a person you feel should hurt as much as you is easily getting dates. (Well, not easily, but apparently someone is interested in him enough to want to go out multiple times.). But at the same time, it gives you hope that we lowly divorcee’s can date again.
I’m a gregarious person. I’m lively and full of energy and positivity. I laugh a lot. I love hard. I live to the fullest. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a date (lol). I’ve gotten peace in the fact that perhaps this period of solace is just a “preparation” mode for someone who appreciates what I have to offer.



I remember having a convo with my ex asking him did he feel I lacked something which is why we got divorced. He said “No. Not at all. We divorced because WE couldn’t hold it together. Takes nothing away from you. Takes nothing away from me”. I sighed and said.”I’ll be honest...dating sucks...but it’s a means to an end. A necessary evil.”
He laughed and said “Sometimes...I wish we could skip dating and just find a mate”. I laughed and said “That’s called an arranged marriage”.

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