January 30, 2015

Feeling/Not Feeling: Feelings on 2014....

A Recap



FEELING

  • Happy. I am truly happy.
  • Kendrick Lamar's "I". It's my theme for 2015
  • Like my life is just getting started That's a good thing.
  • Proud to be all the things I am in my life: wife, daughter, daughter-in-law
  • Wigs. I am so into them now which is wild. I have my locs still but I do like the change
  • Makeup. Always will love a good lipstick. And aside from most shoes...the only thing that will never "not" (I know that's a double negative) fit.
  • D'angelo has come to save Black Music
  • and Jazmine Sullivan will soon follow
  • Making Wish  Lists on random websites. I mean I will prob never buy half this stuff BUT it allows me to "shop" w/ out spending money. SPeaking of which...
  • Like I am making some great strides financially. Lots of sacrifice but it's paying off.
  • Nude Lipstick
  • DARK lipstick. Like super plummy
  • Makeup Dupes..because I am cheap
  • Supporting black businesses. Esp black  beauty Lines.
  • Being married. It is truly a lot of fun. 
  • a low key Christmas holiday
  • Christmas cards from my friends featuring their cute kids and families.
  • a new Camera so I can do better YouTube videos. I def wanna do videos again on this channel. Sometimes it is easier to talk to a camera than right things down









NOT FEELING

  • The fact that I will have to get rid of a lot of heels. Arthritis is no joke. So a sale will be up on my Pinterest Board really soon!
  • Motivated to finish school. I've been sick most of 2014. Hiding it quite well. I just want to chill
  • That I accomplished thieving I wanted to. There is always next year. But time isn't on my side.
  • This dumb ass "Sorority Sisters" show. I mean... you gotta draw the line somewhere. I love rachet TV as much as the next girl..but I just refuse to watch if it means you getting famous off the backs of organizations that support women. Some bull
  • But Sororities have their issues. Issuing mandates not to wear colors or letters during protests? Thats just.............. foolishness
  • clothes. My weight is so wack I just dont even care anymore. SOmehow I gotta get this weight under control. *sigh*
  • waking up so early. But it's a sacrifice that I am making #NEwlywedLife
  • Like I know where I want this blog to go. I say this every time I do one of these...but this time I mean it. I need a "theme" for the next blog series. Any ideas?
  • like Maxwell will ever come out with music
  • Speaking of music.... why are all these yt people nominated for the Grammys? Black folks get no love
  • Iggy Azalea...nuff said
  • That we've lost Kanye for good I think...........that's sad
  • That every MakeupGuru wants to look like Kim K. Cmon ya'll....carve out your own style.
  • Speaking of makeup.... So you don't wear makeup?? That's fine and good..but do not try to clal out my wearing of makeup as being "deceptive" or doing the most all because YOU wanna remain on plain Jane and basic status. That's really lame....
  • Cancer. It's plaguing too many families. Including my own
  • that black lives matter. Too many lost this year over senseless police violence.

January 27, 2015

Empowered


Things just don't bother me the way they used to...


Case-in-point.


I was online reading for class, minding my own business when I received an instant message.

"Hey you".

I literally had to pause for a second. I saw the screen name and was instantly flooded with so many emotions.  Anger. Sadness. Confusion. Disgust. Worthlessness. But most of all... I was all like.."Really dude?"

Picture it.... North Carolina..... 2002....

Once upon a time I cared for this dude. And I don't even know why. We met haphazardly one summer.We had one less-than-romantic-mostly-lustful encounter over 10 years ago.  When I wanted more he said he was "an asshole" who "just wasn't built for a relationship". Although only being 35-40 minutes from me, he never would visit me again. And despite all of that..we kept in touch off and on ...all through Grad school...even when I was married...even after my divorce. He was the dude who was some ideal of what I felt a guy should be: fine, smart, accomplished. But all of that didn't want me.

But every now and then he would show up. He even showed up 2 months before my first wedding at my job. I almost was about to call it off because of the mere sight of him. Because he had kissed me goodbye. To him...it was all a game. He knew there was this girl down South who adored him...regardless of how he had treated her. Somehow that stroked his already inflated ego.

As my first  marriage was failing, this dude would show up. Filling my head up with these ideas that maybe there was a chance. Maybe my "dream guy" had gotten away.... that is... until he dropped the bomb on me that he was getting married. I vaguely knew of this girl but.....I just brushed her off. He admitted that she couldn't cook. Her makeup was always greasy. Her baby hair was more annoying than Chili's. And she always dressed like she was in an Abercrombie ad. I figured it was a phase. It wasn't. He was getting married because "we are great on paper together": a medical professional, in his "Sister" sorority, from money and oh.... "she looked good in lingerie". Those were his words "we was great on paper".

Immediately I internalized this to mean I "wasnt good enough". I'd never be the kind of girl who'd be "good on paper" for some guy who was in the right orgs, had the right job, and the good looks. I felt worthless.

And here he was..showing up over a decade later. He was trying to have small talk. Telling me that "marriage is hard". Telling me that he has a son (which I already knew). Telling me a lot of random bullshit that I wasn't interested in hearing. Just random talk to keep the conversation going. All I did was reply in one to two letter phrases. I didn't mention I was remarried. I didn't mention anything personal about myself. I could tell he was leading up to something more "intimate" to talk about....

Finally.... I had enough

"Listen. I think it's best that you do not contact me again. Ever. Have a nice life."

I could tell he was "stammering" to think of something to say. He replied something that was haphazardly thought out . But I closed the window of the IM before I could even be tempted to reply.

And just like that...the nail was in the coffin. I had closed an over 10 year chapter in my life. I felt like Kate Winslet in The Holiday



I even let out the same yell that she did at the end of her monologue!  I was free. I was empowered to say leave me the hell alone.  I was happy. I was over dude completely. And I wanted no parts of him. No need to compare the next dude to him because I realized he was simply a "shell" of what I thought I'd like. No need to hold him up on some ridiculous pedestal.

Empowered.

When my husband came home that night, I grabbed his bearded face and kissed him. He smiled, pushed his glasses up,  and said "What's that for??"


I said...


"For thinking I was enough."


He smiled.

"You'll always be enough............"

January 5, 2015

Where Have All The Besties Gone?



When I was younger... I remember my first best friend..or the person that I called my best friend. Her name was Winter Kingsberry and she was in my 3rd grade class. I think we were drawn to each other because we were sorta outcast. The more popular, bitchy girls didn't care for us, picked on us... and we sorta hung tight, sharing dolls, playing on the playground and reading books in the Library together... I thought surely she'd be my maid of honor in my fake wedding to El Debarge.

...then I transferred schools and we lost touch.. A school where I was intellectually challenged but here I was alone.  Hell..everyone was some kinda kid genius here. For the most part, even if I wasn't friends with them, I had known those people at my first elementary school since Kindergarten. It was a close knit neighborhood school. Now I was being bused across town to attend a very elite Magnet Program school. But I was alone. I tried to make friends..but I don't think it gelled that well.  But I was trying to fit. I thought I was a good friend. I thought I even had a best friend....or two. Some black. Some white. Some biracial. But if you asked them if I was their best friend....I doubt they would return the sentiment. I went to high school with a lot of those folks.... and yeah.... we def weren't besties by then. Cliques had formed, especially among the small black population.. Those kids who had big houses and cars. Those Jack and Jill types.... they hung pretty hard. And here I was... an outlier.Despite having good grades..being a cheerleader...and such...I wasn't what you'd call "popular".  I guess I had a few friends who would declare that they were my best friend...but it wasn't reciprocated. Most of high school was being picked on or teased. It woulda been nice to have a "true" bestie in my corner.

I do have a friend, N***, who is still my friend today. I would, if I had to, call her my best friend and one of my oldest friends. She was my next door neighbor when I was 13-19 years old. But we went our separate ways: I went off to college, then grad school. And she stayed behind, working and raising her 3 kids. We lived worlds apart it seemed and had such different life experiences. And although we still talked, I wouldn't say we were "bestie" close. She wouldn't consider me her "best friend". She has one- a girl whose life experiences closely mirrored her own. Worlds apart we because....but I still love her.

Don't get me wrong. I have friends. Some very CLOSE friends (sorors, friends, cousins) most of whom live out of state...but I am not their best friends. They have never uttered the words "T***, you are my best friend".  They share stories with me and will say "you know my best friend so and so...." and I get it. These are long standing relationships and I am sorta the "new kid on the block". Which is fine..There is no jealousy at all. If anything, I wished I had that too.  I am glad to have them in my life regardless and would do anything for them, That's a true statement.. I even had my two cousins as my bridesmaid and maid of honor in my wedding because cousins are your (supposed) first best friends. And family will do anything for you...because they love you.  They kinda have to love you.... you can't pick your family.

I think the revelation that I had no real "bestie" came this past weekend. I was planning a NYE party and I made a pretty healthy guest list. But only my husband's friends showed up. I tried not to be upset or sad...but I was hurt. I did hear from a few..but most I didn't hear from. Just no-shows. I even had someone who lived literally 4 minutes from me not even show. My husband wouldn't say he has "best friends" (esp not here in the States because he grew up abroad) but he does have frat and friends he hangs with from time to time when he isn't working. I don't have that really.

I am dreading the day when I will utter the words. "My husband is my best friend". It's not that I dislike that phrase... but the fact that it's true for me kind of makes me sad. I don't want to be that girl whose life revolves around her husband and (eventually) kids. Those are the kinds of folks people groan at on Facebook and Instagram. I would even dare to say I am the girl who says her "mother is my best friend". Which she is. Even my mother has declared she has no "best friends".... and she's 65 almost. But what happens when my mother is gone? She will be gone one day....... what then?

I live a very insular life for the most part the revolves around work, school and family. It leaves little time for anything else. But I would love to have a friend who I could run to Sephora with and try on loads of makeup.  Who tells me my hair looks wack and I need a wig... who will cry with me over a bottle of wine when I am mad at my husband....Who meets me for luncheon dates and pedis. Who I can vent to about "girl shit" because it is utterly frustrating to try and explain to my husband my anger regarding the lack of "women of color" friendly makeup. Or my fluctuating weight. Men have a one track, one-answer type of mind. Women are able to look at all perspectives, agree and disagree, and let you know the real deal. A bestie would lament with you and say "Well...let's not do that then! Let's do this". I have sorority sisters but...the way my schedule and life is set up...trying to connect with them is utterly impossible. It takes money and time I just do not have. School is eating that up.

I think part of (or a contributing factor to) my lack of bestie is also my lack of transportation. Atlanta is a vast city. We are not NYC with trains that go everywhere and a lot of my friends live far. The idea of coming to get me is just a bit too much. My one friend who did live VERY close to me that did not mind getting me,, that I hung out with almost every weekend, has now moved to California. I really miss her. And because we talk everyday on GChat..I know she misses me too. That in itself is pretty comforting. I live in Atlanta and hell..I don't even have a "gay bestie". That's sad (LOL...j/k..sorta)

Maybe it's a bit too late. I will be 36 in two months. I suppose my focus should be my family and possibly raising a child. But it does sting a bit to think "Well gosh...if I DO have a baby..who will be the godparent? Who is that close to me to even throw me a shower?". I have no clue.  I am not desperately seeking a best friend. And I am well aware that I can make friends at almost every new stage of my life...  I am just wondering... I know Drake is quick to yell "No New Friends" but...

Is it too late to have a best friend? I guess that's the real question I am asking.

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