May 26, 2010

The Happy Divorcee

So upon encouragement of a friend (who also offered to pay for a month of service), I reactivated my profile. Now if you have been reading this blog for the past oh, year or so, you know that I really have not had the best luck in the world of internet dating. BUT...I decided to have a more positive attitude about my love life, to let go, and just have fun. Beside' is almost Memorial Day and the "Summer Boo" program is still in effect!

Well, I did a little revamping to my profile, added a few fun and cheery pictures (to reflect my otherwise cheery disposition! LOL), and changed a few key words. My profile heading was "Recent Divorcee looking for Something New (But MUST love Football)."   I let my close friends on my private blog (Oh thought THIS was my only blog? Ha! LMAO!) view my profile, let me know what they thought,  and check out a few cuties that caught my eye. Most of my friends loved it and  I got pretty good feedback. Until, one of my friends said "I would like to request you change that profile pic on! It's not your best picture and you have some ADORABLE pics!!!! Secondly, I would remove recent divorcee --- it screams POTENTIALLY BITTER"

Say what??? Now I totally respect my friend. She meant absolutely no harm. But.. I mean, I know sometimes I use my blog(s) as a sounding board to voice my  frustrations, wants, needs and etc. But surely I don't think saying "divorcee" sounds bitter. If anything, it's just stating the obvious. Well..I am divorced and it was recent. LMAO! I just don't feel the need to lie to a cat up front (even IF most of them are lying in some way, shape or form....LOL). But being divorced is a big part of who I am although it doesn't define me. BUT at this moment, it is my right now. I am a divorcee. Besides, the
Desperate Housewives make divorcee look pretty damn sexy. LMAO!

As for the main profile picture, every picture I posted was of me smiling. My pain pictures was of me, perfect cheekbones and all, almond eyes and big wide toothy smile that I felt was warm, inviting and said "Hey...I'm a fun chick DESPITE being divorced".

I sat here scratching my head on this one. And I think in general, people have some sort of preconceived notion about divorcees- bitter, jaded, man-hating. And while I admit that we all go through those phases, that isnt your modern, typical divorcee 24/7. We are just as fun-loving, warm, and optimistic as anyone else (as any single chica). We put on our makeup, stillettos, and freak-em dress and keep it pushing. I will say we do come with some preconcieved notions about  marriage but that's to be expected. We know what we will take and what we won't. I certainly wouldn't call it "potentially bitter". We have experience, that's all.

I've only gotten about 5 rejections thus far on Match and honestly I think it's more about me being "black" than it is about me being divorced. (Rejected by an Indian dude and some  black dudes whos profiles DID NOT list Black/African descent as a compatible mate...*shrug* although I found them attractive) . I'm sure there will be other rejections but that's part of the deal.

I did take her advice and changed my heading: Happy, Fun-Loving Divorcee' Looking for her "Something New" (but MUST love Football ;) )

After that slight alteration....I have 3 potential positive matches...and 3 potential opportunities to dust my stillettos off!

Something must be going right, huh? Divorcee's are pretty damn sexy!


May 25, 2010

NSFW: The Weekly Porn Review

You ever wanted to hook up a video camera and tape yourself?
You ever want to watch it back?
Do you pretend to be Janet Jacme?
Do you think it will turn you on?

Before you set up the tripod and mirrors in your bedroom, why don't you check out the pornsites and view a little....

This week's Weekly Porn Review is about amateur porn and how it can inspire you. (Note: There will be a few clips, including one listed above).

My favorite porn clip of all time is only 3 minutes long.Totally not professional and just stared two very freaky adults (and one very smoking hot dude included). Aside from the R. Kelly rocking in the background and the obvious appearance that dude probably lives with his mama considering the el-cheapo furniture....) But I like it. Dude is HOT. Girl has a great body, he moves her with one single motion into a position and he's open to a lot of creativity. It's basic..but it's hot. Esp. the part where he looks over in the camera for a second. And for a second you wish that it was you....

Now..I've never made a porn tape in my entire life with another person. And I probably won't for a number of reasons 1) I do not need to see my fat jiggle in HD and 2) I dont trust a man with that, husband or not, committed or not, with that type of creative license in the bedroom with something so private. 3) I don't need my sex tape leaked and I want to be a professional woman.

With that said, that isn't to knock the practice of a little John Cassavetes/Spike Lee action in the bedroom. Hey..if you totally TRUST a person with that kind of thing, please be all means. Try it! For a little creativity. Who wouldn't to be their man's own person porn star in the bedroom?. While the above clips were not the best quality, you can definitely use it as some creative fuel for some action.  But (according to several folks I've asked) you need a few good tools

1) a quality camera: something that has good angles with a tripod (and some even have remotes)
2) good video editing software..if you really want to get creative later on and splice and edit
3) a theme, good lingerie (put on some makeup, heels, etc)
4)a sex bedroom (good sheets,  mirror, lighting, nice set up)

and most importantly....

5) a contract to DESTROY this tape AFTER you watch it. No saving it. Nothing. Watch then destroy....

Now if you can't adhere to #5..then you just don't need to get down with the video camera. EVER!  I mean you cant do thinks with a person you can't trust. The same goes for a person who would set up a camera and NOT TELL YOU. Talk about a violation of trust. I would not want to be on the 50 inch flatscreen for a horny drunk bunch of fratboys to see! It's's intimate and it should just be for the two of you.

Taking a look at a few amateur porn videos are a great way to be creative and to spice up things in the bedroom. Some are terribly cheesy and the lighting is poor, but some also give the big studios a run for their money!

You never know...

The camera may be flattering to you and add 10 lbs in the RIGHT areas....;)

In the meantime, I might just take the safer route and

........just do it in front of a mirror (LOL).

May 21, 2010

Facebook: The Addiction to "Knowing" it All

Some things are better left unsaid....or rather...”un-taged" and "un-friended" when it comes to Facebook. When I think about Facebook…my own crazy mantras come to mind:

Facebook: ruining relationships to hell one tagged photo, status update, and wall post at a time.


Facebook: making you want to strangle yourself with the mouse chord one “happy couple” picture at a time.

Or better yet

Facebook: exposing the lies of liars one wall post and tagged pic at a time.

Facebook doesn’t let you know that when you post these pictures, somewhere, someone out there knows the truth. The night of his wedding, you had one last romp with your ex. That cute baby may not be her husband’s. Your husband wasn’t on the fishing trip with his boys but his mistress took the picture. That new house that you all bought is now in foreclosure. That is the ugly truth behind social networking.

For me, Facebook has created this crazy addiction to "knowing" everything. I have GOT TO KNOW everything. I look for the newest baby pictures. Wedding photos. Did you get new shoes? I want to see them too! Most times this addiction makes me sad. I long for what they have and say “Why not me?” And now this crazy addiction to “knowing it all” has filtered over to my love life. Sometimes “dudes you are crushing on” or want to get to know. But more specifically, my past loves, who happen to be on my friends list.

Most days when I go on Facebook, I’m totally fine. I am laughing at funny status messages or viral downloads…but then I’ll run across something that stings and it has me reevaluating my life and my choices when it comes to my love life. And usually that something has to do with my past..and those that used to be in it..

I look at one guy’s pics posted with his girlfriend (that I assume will be his fiancé eventually). They always pop up in my feed and I stop and look. To my friends, I call her “The Moose”. - nose way too large, teeth like a pack of Chic-lets. Physically, I don’t understand why he wants her. Not to brag, but I look way better but on paper…I lack what she has. A white collar job, degrees for various, prestigious schools. He told me once that “on paper we make a power couple”. I learned then that even men look at the bigger picture. She can take him in farther places than I ever could. She could be in his circle far easier than I ever could. He’d be much more proud to have her on his arm. I torture myself look at the pictures and asking myself “Why didn’t he SEE ME that way? Aren’t I all of those things?”

I go on to another guy, who’s now married. He met me when I was a shy, 21 year old and he was lively, funny, older and intriguing. All in all, we were still college kids …but he’s now married. By all appearances, they look happy and quite glamorous. Pictures show that they are well-traveled and deeply in love. I say “her makeup could be less oily” but all in all, she has him. I don’t. The ring on her finger is one to envy-platinum, antique-shaped, crafted with diamonds all around and I look at my now ring-less left hand and tears fill my eyes. Maybe it’s because I “borrowed” her husband once for my own foolish pleasure. Maybe it’s because had I been more open, that could have been me. Yet I am reminded I will always just be borrowing because I’ll never have him. In his profile he boasts of being an awesome husband but…I know the truth. I know we fall short

And most recently, Facebook exposed the lies of a very persistent “Texter” whose status went from “in a relationship” to “single”…and I saw every picture from his trip to Trinidad with “his non-girlfriend”. They seemed to be more than “just friends…”

All in all the faces change but the question remains the same: What happened? Why aren’t they with me? What does she have that I don’t?

But for me, this addiction of “having to know” has ruined relationships and often times just ruined me. It makes you sick, having to know it all. I sit obsessing over what I have, what I lack, and what I will never have. I sit and wonder why I was rejected or why I was used. I compare and contrast my life to others, even my close girlfriends whom I admire. It’s all so bittersweet: You want to be totally happy for them but the pain of your own shortcomings are often reflected in their achievements. Their happiness. Their love lives.

I wonder if anyone looks at my Facebook profile the same way…

I doubt it.

Someone asked me “Why not just leave Facebook and social networking if all of it causes you so much pain?”

I can’t

I’m addicted

May 20, 2010

Part III: You Don't Take Rejection Well

Time: About 10 am yesterday

Place: My office, working on a sh*tload of files

Scene: I am engrossed in my work..and of cell goes off

Texter: Good Morning. Not trying to bug you are upset you. Just didn't get an answer to the last one.

***pause* for a good 20 minutes...I finally respond***

Me: Not Interested. Have a Good Day

Texter: Ok. You Too

***about an hr goes by..amd because boredom has sent in..I decided to respond albeit with a very evil slant***

Me: You know, it's quite unfortunate...because I loved to *CENSORED* your *CENSORED* in my *CENSORED*...and how well you *CENSORED*...but *sigh*..OH WELL....I deserve MUCH more than that. Take care huh! *smooches*

(Insert evil, diabolical laugh)

Texter: OUCH!!!! U are sooooo wrong for that. I miss the way *censored* and how *censored* BUT...I also miss talking to you, your advice and point of view, your cooking. U will always be the good one I let get away

Me: (not moved by any of this). Really??? must have me confused w/ that other chick cause I NEVER gave you advice on any damn thing. And I only recall you TALKING OVER me but anyway..hope you find a nice girl!

Texter: U did! I talked to you about so much..everything..and you told me what you thought about things. I valued that.

Me: *thinking...who the hell is he talking about???* Don't recall but if you say so.

Texter: I do. Next thing you know...u gonna say I never had your cooking

Me: That I remember. and that you critiqued it unfavorably.

Texter: WHAT??? As I licked your dishes clean?

Me: Don't remember that either

Texter: *smh* Seems like you have ME mixed up.

Me: Quite the contrary cause I def remember how I felt. Oh well..lesson learned

Texter: I guess so. This sux though

Me: Yep. Live and Learn. Wish you and (is it M_____??) well! Hope you all get back together

Texter: You still on that babe? I am single as a one dollar bill

Me: *thinking..and just as cheap* Yeah ok dude... But you weren't when we were dealing. Had you been honest and said "Yo..I'm dating...Don't want isht serious..I got a lil shorty" I woulda been ok. We coulda been FRIENDS. It's cool . You hipped me to the game and I appreciate that.

Texter: So not the case! I never tried to play you! Why cant we be friends now!

Me:Because I dont do BS and I def dont do friends w/ benefits. I want a relationship

Texter: There is no BS to be caught up in! I dont want a FWB either! I want a friend. One to talk to..hang out with, and cook for.

Me: Hmpf...I see

Texter: I mean..the sex was great but not the reason I want you around.

MeL Sex was not isht is PHENOMINAL. *brushing shoulders off* But hey..that wasnt clear either (your reasons)

Texter: Wow! Confident are we? But are right. That is true tho. Things werent clear so why am I being punished?

Me: Yep And not punished. Im nust not falling for your traps and def not trying to be no "fall back" / "in between chick"

Texter: OMG..are you serious? How is that even possible when I been single and been with you and knowing you?

Me: Bye. Maybe it's best we either drop this or talk face to face cause I cant keep texting all damn day. Apparently since all we DO is text, lines of communication are not clear

Texter: Ok Cool

Me: Fine. Cool

Texter: I hope so

Me: Like I said. I said what I said. I'm done, dude.

*To Be Continued...I'm sure since he will text me to death...again*

May 18, 2010

Desperately Seeking Arrangement

Since my blog was getting rather dry, I decided to ask my friends for some help on some topics to spice up the blog. I like to bounce ideas off of them...see what perspectives they have.

My friend Maria, whom I've mentioned before w/ her dating advice on Interracial dating, sent me an e-mail:

OMG!  do you remember when I was going hard looking for a Sugar Daddy???

 I should have gone to this event I got invited to, but I just saw the email this morning. SHOOT! i could have sent you play-by-play...

If it ever comes up again, I'll spruce myself up and go. (And a guy I was messing with took me to Merchants before... it's HIGH class. i would have needed massive notice to get all done up - eyelashes, eyebrows, done my hair, mani/pedi, cocktail dress... *sigh*)

I looked at the site she sent me for a "Seeking Arrangement" Party. The description read:

The Seeking Arrangement Party

Sugar Daddy: $80 at the door

Sugar Baby: $25 at the door

Event starts at 6:00PM, but will continue until around 11:30pm or later.

The Seeking Arrangement Parry puts the sugar at your fingertips, with everything you'll need to appreciate gorgeous girls or established gentlemen celebrating mutually beneficial relationships.

*Complimentary sugar baby champagne meet & greet at 6:00 PM

*Complimentary full-size gourmet hors d'Oeuveres

*Full premium cash bar - all top shelf liquors

*Restaurant with full dinner menu

*Cigar bar with cigar maker

*Live music and entertainment
**2 Gorgeous private rooms capabable of holding 12 people each and bottle service that includes your own sugar baby hostess available! Call Melissa at 516-864-1714 for pricing.**

One of NYC's few licensed "Cigar Bars", Merchants NY is the creator and leader in "Living Room" dining and drinking. Featuring two working fireplaces, one in its opulently styled living room and the other in the exquisite Brandy Bar and Cigar Lounge. Enjoy top shelf cigars and spirits, as well as an eclectic Cigar Bar dining menu.

Other than the Cigar Bar, the restaurant is smoke-free and offers a seasonally updated menu with a large selection of starters, soups, salads and entrees from its Contemporary American menu that will please the most discriminating palate. Special dietary requests are welcome and accommodated, including low-calorie and vegetarian dishes.

Striking décor, good food, excellent service and a wide selection of wines and spirits make Merchants NY the ideal venue for any sugar.
I literally sat there with my mouth wide open. You mean to tell me that there is a "party" and event to find a sugar daddy? And I many black women (aside from Maria) were actually considering going to this? Then, I received my Essence magazine for this month and saw an article on the SAME THING and that the creator of the site said that membership of African-Americans had increased by 300% in the last year. SOme women sleep with the men, others dont. And 10 times out of 9...the men may be married.

WOW I couldn't believe it. I actually joke all the time and say.."Oh I need me a sugar Daddy to help pay these damn bills"... But I am not sure if I am totally serious. Curious..I decided to go on the Seeking Arrangement site and poke around a bit.
I joined the site..and I had to fill out a profile Hmm..not sure if I was "average" or a "few extra pounds?" THen they asked me the following:
"What type of financial arrangement did you expect"
The catergories ranged anywhere from under $1000 to up to over $10K a month. Wow....(So I hit middle of the road and said $5-10K..ya know..not to sound too greedy! LMAO!)
Then I had to write a description. So since this was total fantasy,
I wrote the following:
I love the finer things in life. Eating out. Fine art exhibits. Wine tastings, opera, concerts, and a sense of class and sophistication that is hard to find in this city especially. I want to be escorted to exclusive events and you won't mind having a voluptuous ethnic beauty on your arm.As I pursue higher education, I would like for my sugar daddy to be aware of those needs. Being divorced, it is hard to trust someone completely. With that being said, you need to literally earn my trust. I will not be pressured for sex as I MUST find you sexually attractive. You must be attractive: George Clooney, Denzel with the finances to match. I want to be taken and shown the finer things in life and I will be a proper piece of armcandy on your arm in exchange. profile isn't going to get any hits for a number of reasons:
For one, mostly the men want asian and white women and the women who gave testimonials were just that. I didn't see many older black men. Most of the men were weird white and foriegn dudes who may not be interested in black women at all. AND all of the profiles that looked half-way normal, the man was married. He was genuinely interested in a mistress. A nice, young white one. would some goldigging sista even have a chance? (lol) THen I started to freak out. I mean, if I really was interested in meeting this dude, what makes you think he isn't some serial killer that would chop my black ass up in a deep freezer and eat my boobs for dinner?
Ahh,,curiosity surely killed this cat. I don't think I could WILLINGLY swindle some man out of hundreds of thousands of dollars.  I'd just marry him (LOL)
And I think I'll just stick to meeting guys the good, clean old-fashioned way
...on Facebook *wink*

May 17, 2010

Feeling/Not Feeling


  • Chocolate Milkshakes w/ Whipped Cream on top 
  • The Hawks firing Woodson...(Finally! LOL)
  • dental hygeine 
  • compliments from men who want nothing....just a sincere compliment.
  • Baseball games in the summer.
  • mobile wireless... 
  • beach weddings 
  • Chris Webber (He's still fine.....mercy!) 
  • The Varsity onion ring 
  • Opera music. 
  • finally decorating my place, making it feel "homey" 
  • outdoor concerts
  • This song....*sigh*

Not Feeling

  • ATL Only have 1 major sports championship. WE SUCK!
  • being in church past 1 pm (12 noon on a good day!)
  • actually..I havent been to church since LAST summer. Jeesh...
  • "MANdals" UGH! Men cover your feet, dude!
  • writer's block
  • my work being interrupted...when I get in a zone. 
  • hood weddings in the front yard. 
  • the only people that hit on me are old, crazy, hood or lesbians. 
  • another dateless, boring weekend 
  • people burning food in the office microwave 
  • my laptop screen going black (or white, or blue or whatever) for no reason! 
  • whatever "this is" I'm feeling right now. 
  • not having enough room on my Ipod (although I have almost 2.6 GB left)

May 15, 2010

Swallowing: More than Saying "Aaah"

I actually got an e-mail the other day from a reader (my very first one):

Dear Mocha.

 I've been married for 3 years. I love having sex with my husband but...just one thing. I won't swallow when giving head. I know it shouldn't be a big deal but I dont think I can stomach it.  I'm afraid. and he's offended and thinks I'm not "feeling" it. I know I should. He's my husband! Do you have any tips?

Well, dear reader, mastering the art of oral sex (head)  isn't just about movement of a chick's tounge. It's about lip/ tounge ratio. It's about avoiding your teeth and ample deep-throating (and a lack of gag reflex if at all possible).  It's about lung capacity. And yes..the wetter, absolutely, the better. But...this blog post isn't really about that.

***WARNING***: The rest of this blog is for the ADULT and SUPER Grown. Viewer Discretion is advised.

This blog is about what most (black) women fear and only a small percentage are actually brave enough to do.

My friends, this blog is about swallowing.

And I'm not talking about porno style jizz guzzling (pardon my language). I mean we are talking about grown ups, in a monogamous STD-free relationship (hopefully), sharing this part of yourself with your partner. You don't swallow for any and everyone, ladies. Everyone doesn't get this special treatment. Furthermore, this gift of love should be reserved for Christmas, Anniversaries, Birthdays, and Valentine's Day (respectively).....Ok...I'm kidding (sorta...LOL).

Men argue with us all the time "You women don't swallow! When we give you all pleasure, we tasting everything".  (Well, fellas, to be fair we can't help that biolgically. ) And to go a step futher, black men are quick to say, "Sistas DO NOT swallow! I am not sure what the fear is". I guess they stereotypically hear  about and see white chicks (and black chicks, who are in porn) swallowing.. I think men are offended when you don't swallow (at least occassionally).  That means you aren't into being deeply intimate or that you aren't into being into their fantasies. Most of all, that means you aren't thorough with your job. *wink* I guarantee, more men would be willing to marry you if you swallowed (LOL).

I think women feel like it's nasty or they will be branded a whore if they do such things. Not true at all. If you aren't doing it for EVERY man, then how are you a whore? And if you are doing it in the sanctity of a marriage, you most certainly aren't a whore! Cmon. This is 2010. Being a prude went outta style with the sexual revolution of the 60's and 70's (and hip-hop too). You are supposed to be the nasiest, filthiest, summa-ma-bitch that your husband even knows. They want to marry Clare Huxtable and fuck Roxxy Reynolds. Let's be real. And honey...if you won't...some chick will. BUT...

If you are a little afraid, there are some tips to consider to try.

1) Make sure your make doesn't have "funky spunk" a la Samantha from Sex and the City. If you plan on doing this, there is some prep involved. Make sure he doesn't drink a lot of liqour. Eat a LOT of sweet fruit (pinapples, strawberries,)  drink a lot of fruit juice, avoid dairy and avoid pungent veggies (cabbage, asparagus, broccoli).

2) Try keeping a mint or Altoid in your mouth at the same time as giving head. (men love the tingle) not to mention, it will sort of mask the taste..

3) Get into it but please..limit the eye contact. Don't stare up at the dude, just anticipating it to happen (He does have to warn you, give you the "heads up" (pun intended) when it's about to go down).  That's creepy, all that staring. Focus on the job at (and in) hand.

And Finally....

4) Think about it like a tequila shot. Throw it back, dont think about the taste, and be a soldier and take one for the team

Now if you think you are super advanced and ready for the big leagues, then take it to the next level, by all means..."gargle it", blow bubbles with it, whatever.


 (Yeah..I know that sounded SUPER nasty....but just trust me...LOL)

 Men like to LOOK at it in your mouth before you swallow it...they wanna see it on your lips...on your tounge.  They will take one look at you, shudder in delight, then declare "I'm NEVER leaving this woman! EVER!"

And if even after all of this, you just can not stomach it..then FAKE IT. When dude cums, pull out, and let it sorta roll off your lips and down his dick and that way you don't swallow. Don't be RUDE and run to the bathroom and wash out your mouth and scream in horror!  Don't gag like you are about to throw up or, God forbid, actually vomit. Not sexy...and you may not be invited to be "down there" ever again (I doubt it...but you might not). The classy.discrete thing to do is just keep a towel or tissue in hand, and discard it there.

(Hmm..that can only happen if you aren't doing any adventerous "road head", or "movie theater" head, get my drift! OR you can just keep Kleenex handy! LOL)

All in all, it's not a big deal. It's quite endearing.

Trust me. Take a spin at it..and spice up your life AND HAVE A HAPPY HOME!

So open up and say "aaahhhhh"


PS: I really do love the reader e-mails and suggestions. Feel free to contact me at any time with your questions, concerns, and thoughts.

May 14, 2010

An Ode to Assholes: Haikus

What makes you think that
You can call me and text me to
Death…Over some booty.

13 inches of

pleasure... totally wasted

On an idiot.

You sneak and text me

While your girl isn’t looking.

Your d*ck pics are wack!

Our first date was shit

I order my food and paid

You lack social skills

We never belonged

Yet you made me feel like an

Exclusive dummy

I wasted all of

My time, energy…and most

Of all…stilettos.

Tears run down my face

You aren’t worth the energy

Fucking up my MAC

You remind me of

A lovely R&B song…

“I don’t want no scrubs”

An asshole is what

You are. And just about as

Full of steaming shit.

May 13, 2010

Give Away #2: Just In Case Condom Compact + Trojan Ecstasy Condoms

Sex and the Southen Belle is SO EXCITED to present our 2nd Give-Away:

You guys have no idea how EXCITED I was for May to get here! I was literally couting the days as soon April 30 was here! As you may recall, I did a blog earlier about the condom cases and we are!! I can go on and on about how WONDERFUL their products are. but....why do that when a VIDEO is so much better:

*EDIT*: The Makers of Just in Case Compacts have informed me that the Just in Case II also holds Magnum-sized condoms nicely :)

To Enter:

• Watch my YouTube Video. Subsribe to my YouTube Channel and Leave a  comment on my blog  (no video required) responding to the question: "How Do You Take Control of your Sexual Health?"

Extra Entries:

• Become a follower of my blog (via Google Friends Connect, Feedburner or NetworkedBlogs). If you are on Facebook and a friend, make sure you SHARE this give-away on your wall

  •  Subscribe to my Youtube channel. Leave a video blog response to my YouTube video answering the question: How Do you Take Control of your Sexual health?

• Blog about this giveaway and link back to my site. "blogged about"

• Subscribe to my YouTube channel ( and leave a message on my other videos.

• Follow me on Twitter (@TheMochaPeach), I will add you as a friend, and Re-Tweet this giveaway (up to twice a day). Leave link to your tweet.

• Send an e-mail to your friend(s) about this contest and CC me. Write "email" in the comments.

• Subscribe to my updates. Write "subscribed" in the comments.

*Note: The more entries you’ve submitted, the greater chance you have of winning! All entries must be recieved by May 21, 2010

Leave "extra entries" as a seperate comment!

Don't forget! You can use the Promo Code: LOVEWELL to order any and all products at a discount

Good Luck!


Part II: Are you Mentally Retarded?

Time: around 2 pm

Place: Sitting at my office.

The Scene: I am sitting here at my desk, processing paperwork and my text message goes off

Texter: Really don't wanna hear from me anymore??

Me: * looks at phone angry beyond belief* I am sorry. Maybe you didn't understand. I thought I was clear. Because of the fact that you were not honest, I do not see the need for further communication. That coupled with the fact that your inconsistency to be a gentleman, court me properly, and the inability to communicate effectively.

Texter: What happened to being friends? When was I ever not a good friend? I was honest. But ok. I respect your decision Good luck to u and in school.

Me: You and I apparently want different things. I do NOT want a "friend with benefits" and I was VERY clear about that when we met from the jump. Thanks for the well wishes

Texter:I never did either. I want a friend. And see where it leads. Sex was never a requirement.

Me: Riiiighhhht. But you damn sure didnt turn it down nor did that stop you from being overtly sexual with me. Spare me. patna It's cool. Lesson learned

*****20 minutes later*****

Texter: Let's try a non-sexual friendship





May 11, 2010

This is NOT a Romantic Comedy

My absolute favorite genre of movie (aside from action/martial arts/thrillers and foreign films) is the romantic comedy. I can sit all day and watch movie after movie (and don't let it be British ....goodness! LOL). I laugh. I cry. I root for the underdog (and the chick is always the underdog most times). I anticipate any and each romantic movie that strikes my fancy.  It always goes in a very formulaic way:

Boy Meets Girl in a very "cute meet" (movie slang for how a guy and girl character meets)
Boy and Girl fall in flirty situation then say.."Let's be friends" (or adversaries or what not). This is where things get tricky.
For whatever reason..boy cant have girl (or vice versa) due to some situation, all coupled with some hijinks, mad-capped adventure, comedic situations, and slapstick humor.
Boy and Girl struggle to get over their romatnic feelings and come to the realization they can't be apart from each other, but not before more shenanigans.
Finally..someone comes to their sense and they get together..and fall passionately in love.

Well...real life doesn't work out this way. And I admit, I am guilty of trying to be Bridget Jones or maybe even a littleHolly Golightly. (although I wouldn't admit this upon first meeting) and every girl wants to be Sabrina.... but it doesn't always happen that way.

I don't want to be the best friend who realizes she's in love with her "buddy" until it's too late..and he's walking down the aisle.

I don't want to be with pining for a man who gets married...only to have us come together 20 years later.

I don't want to be the awkward goofy girl who get's criticized by her guy friend who thinks that she should be a Pygmalion type project...only to have him fall in love with me.

I don't want the killer date from hell that turns into romance.

I dont want (nor do I have) the platonic friend that we both realize that we want each other (my platonic male friends I suspect are gay and a few are just not attractive to me)

I don't want an old love to come into my life and sweep me off my feet as a "change man". I'm sure it's gonna be the same old bullsh*t.

I dont want that. Who needs that?  Life isn't like that. I dont need that type of crazy complication. Who wants the up and down roller coaster of love? Sure, love isnt going to be an even plane...but it shouldnt be a torturous journey either.

What happened to meeting a guy....getting to know him...good and real crazy drama...and just having a good time w/out any heartache.. minimal pain...and  no crazy amount foolishness? You can't expect love to make it all better or even go totally smoothly...but you do want it to be good FOR you..not Good FOR nothing.

The goofy, immature guy who makes a bumbling idiot of himself is also not a good look. This isn't Hitch. I'm not asking you to be smooth, mac-daddy pimp. Be calm. Be relaxed. Be yourself. Most ladies like a balance of smooth and corny. A little Darius Lovehall mixed with some classic Jimmy Stewart. C'mon! Unless he has money..would a fat dude like Kevin James end up with a supermodel? Doubt it. LMAO! (And you know you wouldn't either no matter how "charming" he was....)

I love these movies. They are definitely an escape.. It's a way to release and escape.  But my life isn't that movie at all.

 I (and MANY of my girlfriends) am more so living this movie:

Girl meets guy...has a few good years..get divorced/breaks up/ends engagement. Now..WTF does she do??
Girl throws herself into something to distract herself from dudes.....that is..until....
Girl meets guy.... It's def not a "cute meet". It's def unconventional. She says "I'll take a  chance!"
Girl really digs guy. Probably more than guy digs her..but she doesn't realize that.
Guy takes girl out...occasionally. But Girl tries and gives dude benefit of the doubt (i.e. she makes excuses)
Girl says to herself "As long as he doesnt say anything TOO STUPID...I'll stick to my rules and maybe he'll get some nookie"
Guy and Girl sometimes have great sex (sometimes that joint is lack luster...sometimes it is the which makes her judgement cloudy because orgasms render her dumb)
Girl starts noticing a change in patterns. Stuff just isn't adding up
Guy turnes out to be a complete dick. He rarely call. Communication skill are extremely poor. Girl vows to never talk to Guy again
Guy  weasels his way back lies about it ALL. to Girl. Truth is.... Maybe he had a girl. Maybe he was engaged or married. Maybe he didnt want what Girl wanted. Girl doesn't know.
All of a sudden..everything STOPS.
Girl doesn't understand and asks "Why me? What is WRONG with me??" when in truth NOTHING is wrong with her.
Guy says "It's timing" or "You knew the deal!" or some other BS excuse...
Girl looks in the mirror.."Is it my hair? Is it my weight? Did I do that move wrong in the bed??"
Guy stop calling girl. Finally.
Girl cries and eats a pint of Godiva chocolate more texts. no more calls. WTF! She says "I'm a great girl! I cook, I clean, I give incredible blow jobs that rival Janet Jacme!  (ok..she doesn't say this out LOUD.) I'm sweet, I'm kind! I'm smart....(maybe I'm too smart!) WTF! I give!!"
Then...out the blue...Guy calls/texts......................Girl gets excited and thinks "Maybe I was too harsh! Maybe I misread the signals.." ..only to realize what the call was for: some booty misreading of signals.
Girl starts to regret meeting dude
Girl regrets having sex
Girl regrets it all!
Girl cries "MEN SUCK" and vows to never love, date, get married, or even *gasp*  sex again........

...and her vagina decides to be as locked away as her heart.....(8 months and counting)..and collecting cobwebs.


Yep...that's an Oscar worthy script right there! :)

May 10, 2010

You Give Up? Please Do

The Time: about 7 pm on Mother's Day

Place: my living room

The Scenario: " I am watching Fox Sunday line-up in my PJ's....and my text message goes off"

Texter: "Hi Sexy"

Me: *frowns*....doesn't respond. Then thinks..."Let me get this off my chest once and for all" I respond "Yes, Hello??"

Texter: "How are you?"

Me: "I'm well...and you"

Texter: "Good. I still wanna c u one day"

Me: That's it. I've had it. I respond "Actually , I'm not interested in seeing you. I actually saw your FB status that you went from "in a realtionship to single". Not trying to be your "in between chick". Hope things work out for you.

Texter: I was always single. My status was in a relationship for years since I broke up with my ex. One day a couple weeks ago I was feeling really lonely so I decided to finally change it and comment on it"

Me: "Ok Dude. I'm getting a PhD not a HS diploma so dont play me for young and dumb. I saw the comments folks made saying "You two were fine last I saw you" and "you two will get back together soon". Really dude? LMAO! Ok, patna. Peace. I got work to do.

Texter:I give up

Me: Give up? Please do. Cause I like honesty

Texter: I always was honest. My loss I guess. I really liked you

Me: Peace dude.

*and end SCENE*

*takes a bow*


My friend Candi thinks that despite all this madness....I should let dude apply to be my "summer boo". Uhm.... I dunno about that despite dude being "blessed" in that arena (LOL).

May 9, 2010

3 The Wrong Way

Fellas..what is the obsession with the threesome??

I mean really.................I don't get it.

Actually..I take that back. I get it. It's hot. It's nasty. It's "a dirty little secret". It's naughty. It's "forbidden and tabboo". It let's greedy guys have a variety It adds spice to an otherwise boring relationship.  You get your pick of various vaginas and penises (if you so choose..but two guys and a girl rarely happens).  Men love the idea of using their tool to "punish" more than one chick. And the idea of two really hot women (rarely does these fantasies involve butch, hard lesbians)
 licking and sucking each other off is a turn on to most men....if not all.

This one guy said that  he feels most women are bi or have bi tendancies. I dont think so. While I appreciate the female form, I just feel like that is too many boobs and asses in the area Besides, you have to factor in attractiveness. You cant pick any old chick. And sex already smells (if you wanna be crude about it) and mixing too many pheromones in the air might make me ill. Besides, I'm a jealous and selfish lover. If you are paying too much attention to the other broad, how on earth can you fulfill my needs. And she cant be finer than me yet she couldnt be ugly either. Who could stomach that?

And if you are in a relationship, shouldn't some things be sacred? Like sex.  There is a beauty in sharing your most sacred and deepest part of yourself with ONE person. If there are other people on the scene, how is that sacred. Sure it's fun but......I dunno. How can you call yourself in a "relationship" if you do shit like that? I've had friends who live that lifestyle..and claim to have "boyfriends" and mates. Uhm...I dont know how "monogomous" you are if that is the case. Furthermore, using the argument that "well it's not cheating" is ludicrous. It's cheating with a "hall pass".

But what happens with a threesome goes wrong? What if someone got pregant? God forbid that woman had a threesome with two dudes.  Or worse...developed feelings for the other guy/girl if they did the threesome with their partner  (Ok..maybe a baby is worse than "catching feelings" )

I can't get down with the threesome. To each his own but...this girl is too much woman to divide my pie :)

May 8, 2010

Intended Purposes

Last Monday Morning

I looked outside and it's raining buckets. I let out a huge sigh and said to myself  "Rainy days and Mondays always get me down" ....packed my Jimmy Choo's in my bag, threw on my rain boots, grabbed my packed lunch, and opened my coat closet

...and there it was. Hanging there. Bright and shining and pure perfection of couture..... I had only worn it once before. Yet, there it was. Almost brand new with that "new clothing smell"

My red trench coat.


My parents actually bought me the trench coat as a birthday present this year.  I had been sweating a particular garnet shade in a very well tailored trench. I squeeled with delight when I got it as a gift. Yet, I was disspointed I had to pull it out for its intended purpose of shielding me from the  actual rain becuase well.... ..that's not what I wanted this trench coat for.

I was thinking more along the lines of...well...about using it for this:

Yeah. A shame given that my parents are the ones who bought the coat (little do they know the freaky-chica their daughter is..) ..but ..I digress....

I'm not big on acting out fantasies. Especially outlandish ones. But I've always had a fantasy that involves me, a trench coat, some stunning Ultimo lingerie, and a pair of Louboutin's or Blahnik's or Choo's or.....( get the point.)..and one very deserving man.

 Let me be more specific:

I have a lover. ...a very suave, sophisticated lover. He's also very "busy" with his dealings and career. He's not famous but he is gorgeous. A smile that would melt chocolate. He's not overly wealthy (although he could very well be...). He's comfortable yet enjoys certain luxuries. One of which is me...

My "lover" flies me first class to see him (Or better yet...I surprise him by flying to see him as he's away on a particularly arduous business trip). The only thing I pack in my fabulously large Dior bag is: makeup, a toothbrush., birth control, panties (and my wallet although I'm sure I wont need it) . I only plan on staying a night or two. And I defintely don't plan on being clothed often. For security purposes (as I can't board the plane in just my lingerie and a coat), I board the plane wearing a stunning Herve Leger dress, my designer heels,  D&G shades, flawless makeup, well-groomed locs....and of course...that red trench coat. As I sip my wine in First Class, I get excited trading texts on my Smartphone to my "lover" in anticipation of our meeting.

Once I depart the plane, I head over to the Ladies room. I quickly remove my dress and pack it in my bag, revealing just my imported lingerie on a well oiled and exfoliated body (Hey....don't laugh..this is my fantasy! LOL).  I throw on my coat over it. I quickly adjust my lipstick, open my tube of  Chanel Rouge Allure in my fav shade "Lover" (of course). It's a chilly Fall day in this large city..and my "lover" has a car waiting for me upon my arrival.

"To the W (or Waldorf, Or Plaza, or whatever fancy, smancy hotel)......" I say to the driver. And we are bright lights from behind tinted windows peer at me. "How was your flight, Ms M....." the driver asks. I say..."Good. As usual..."

The doorman opens the door and greets me.."Hello Ms M______ good to see you staying with us again". And I smile and nod. I send a text "What floor?" And he replies back to me..."You know...." And I smile. Nothing but the best for my "lover". Penthouse we go....

I get to the door of the penthouse and knock (Or maybe the elevator opens to the penthouse..I havent figured that one out yet). I place my shades on my head and let out a sigh.  He opens the door...and I think "God...he looks amazing. I'm loving the little bit of gray in the beard". and I glide in the room like a minx. He says "Hmm...." as if he has just feasted his eyes on sheer perfection (which he has). There is music playing on the Bose system. He knows I like this song (sneaky sexy bastard!). He eases across the room, a glass of Dewars on ice in his hand. His Zegna slacks pressed against firm thighs. He works out. He looks amazing for his age. (OK..he is over 30..but under 40.. So maybe 35-ish) The top two buttons of his Hugo Boss shirt undone. His tie casually tossed on the arm of the  sofa along with his jacket.. papers and laptop nearby on the desk. The man could put Idris Elba to shame. Damn..he's fine.. He takes a sip from his glass, his lips curled up around the glass. He winks devilishly. I smile. He says. "You look good, babe..but...uhm....what's under the coat?". I smile.....not saying a word I undo the belt....

I slowly unbotton the top botton

...then the middle buttons....

....I take both hands....and slowly open my coat....wide.....

I smile...biting my lip....

He smiles....

and then....

..and then I wake up from my fantasy to realize my coat sleeve is being drooled on up on by a 1 year old kid on the train who insists on standing up on his mother's lap all while a homeless man smelling like pee is right next to me blocking the door...people smell wet and look Raheem Devaughn CD has stopped on my Ipod...and I almost miss my stop for work.. heading out from the shelter of the train station in this God-forsaken Southern Tsunami we are having....

I let out a sigh. Fantasy over. Back to work. Back to life. Back to reality. Back to my red coat and back to its intended purpose.

Oh least I'm dry in my nice, red trench coat.

( But I'd rather be wet though...................very wet)

May 7, 2010

Feeling/Not Feeling

  •  Free Concerts in the park in the summer
  • NYC in the summer (Gotta get back there)
  • NYC Subways
  • my lips. They are pretty nice the more that I look at them.

  • the fact that I WILL NOT have to pay for school. PRAISE GOD!
  • being 40 in 9 years. I think I'll be a pretty hot cougar :)
  • laughing more. (I dont do that enough really)
  • steals and deals at my fav store..Ross (ok..and Marshalls..and TJ Maxx..)
  • trying new restauraunts and foods...
  • picnics (although I've only been on one w/ a lover/partner)
  • IMAN cosmetics (especially bronzer).
  • video blogs (I promise to do more)
  • going on 9 months of no nookie (I've made peace with it)
  • gay clubs and bars...they play the best music
  • my wedding CD. It still jams pretty hard.

Not Feeling

  • The fact that I gotta wait months for another Maxwell CD. BRING IT!!
  • where my HS boyfriend is. I am truly worried about his well-being...
  • Blackberry doesnt hold a charge for shit!
  • the fact that the news is talking about how the car bomb  in NYC SHOULD HAVE been executed. How dumb! Why not give em the blueprints to the White House while you are at it!
  • my really nice clothes are collecting dust
  • knowing that when school starts...I wont have time for well....anything.
  • the fact my complex gym isnt fully completed w/ the renovations yet.
  • BP not taking full responsibility for this terrible oil spill
  • Kit-Kat bites...what a waste of money and a tease
  • only weird dudes ride the public transportation in ATL (this aint NYC)
  • being broke yet needed cash for critical isht
  • my closest friends are in other states
  • not having a "tight girl crew" to run the streets with.
  • the direction the NPHC is going in and our lack of "revolutionary" spirit
  • the fact that I go on the best my head

May 6, 2010

The Law of 3 aka "The Trinity"

There is a simple law of nature and natural selection and beauty. It's called the "Law of 3" aka . "The Trinity".

Fellas..all in's about the "Law of 3" aka "The Trinity". NO WOMAN has the trinity (Ass, Legs/Thighs/Hips (yeah..they are grouped into one), and Boobs) without some other apparent flaw. She never has all 3.  That is how natural selection of beauty works. Usually women get 2 out of 3 blessings in those departments in the natural selection process.
If she has nice legs/hips and big boobs, she has no ass (like me...BONUS: I have an incredible face and good bone structure).. If she has nice ass and hips/legs, then she has no boobs.

(like boobs whatsoever...corns on her feet...terrible weaves....but she also has a nice face...and light's up there)
And if she has ALL 3..her face is MUCKED (such is the case of Serena Williams-amazonian body, face like a defensive end).

OR if she has all 3..and a flaweless face..then she has bad breath, corns on her feet or a terrible attitude (a la Halle least that's what they say)

Or....she paid for it. *shrug* (Nicki Minaj still looks amazing though...)

The thing about the Trinity is....God is just random like that.  If I could trade my boobs in for a bigger butt..I would..if they could only go down 1 cup size (LOL). It doesn't work  like that however. Just be glad and lucky that you have what you have IF you have it (If you are a stick like Olive Oyl..I pray you have a good personality...LMAO!). I guess what I'm trying to explain is no woman will have it all. Appreciate her beauty for what it is..and don't try and change her. And most of all ladies, be happy with what you have. I mean, that's easier said than done.  But oh well...unless we go under the knife we are stuck with can wear "enhancements" for what you lack (no shame in that at all.... make yourself feel better..)

The End. (literally)  I rest my case! LMAO!

May 5, 2010

Orgasm on Aisle 9

I love the grocery store.

No..I REALLY love the grocery store.

I have ALWAYS had a good relationship with food. I never was bulimic or anorexic. My mother never had to fight or bribe me to clean my plate or eat my veggies. I love the way food feels when it slides down my throat and makes me stuffed to the point of wanting to pop. I'm obsessed with recipes and Foot Network. I love food.

That being said, I love the grocery store (and more specifically my local farmer's market). I walk in and the chilly air hits me and armed with my very color coded lists, I walk each and every aisle and get excited....almost like I'm high.. I smell the fruit. I sneak and taste a strawberry before purchase. I smell the imported chocolates.. I pick up some new, exotic spice I want to try. I taste every sample that's on display...I close my eyes and inhale and taste.....(because that's how you really taste...with all of your senses...) and I fall in love with something new every time I go. Love at first bite....

Imported Olive Oils

French Brie cheese

South African Shiraz

Fresh Greek Yogurt

Challah Bread

Sundried tomato chutney

Ahhhh...the grocery store! I LOVE IT!

They say you can find a man in the grocery store...hmmm Eh! I am so not focused on a man when I go to the grocery store. I'm thinking of recipes in my head...and new things I want to try. Besides...there are hardly any fine dudes at the grocery stores I frequent...

Ok...maybe that's a lie

On the rare occasion I see a cute guy in the grocery store, I always look in his cart. The cart is a good indication of how a man is living and his relationship with food. Usually.. if it's filled with beer and hot pockets (that mean he's a bachelor). If it's filled with wine and imported cheeses...that means he's probably a) gay or b) trying to impress a chick. If his cart is filled with steak, sausage, and some potatoes, he's a man who likes the basics and is probably a total bore, can’t cook and is on the go. If I do lock eyes with a guy..and I see he has the right balance of things in his cart with a few surprises.....He smiles... I smile....only to see his chick pull up beside him dumping in her bag of field greens and a bottle of pinot noir to the grocery contribution. *sigh*.... I just shake my head in disappointment.

I do think about one thing: I think about dishes I would like to prepare for a date IF he's deemed worthy of receiving that privilege. I usually tell most men I can’t boil an egg (C’mon now...I'm not letting you eat all my damn food..and NEVER take me out....recession or not!). But it's nice to spoil a deserving sweetie..feeding him hand dipped strawberries I've made... nothing but some Jimmy Choo's......

Ok..snapping out of that fantasy...

I just find way too much enjoyment at the grocery store. It can't be normal...Firm mangos.....juicy lemons.....fresh wild Alaskan salmon...oh the endless culinary possibilities...the endless food porn and orgasms that can happen in my mouth. I get so excited to the point where I can't all goes blurry...and my palms sweat...hands shake...and I let out a sigh...


Better than sex, I tell ya!

And 10 x's as satisfying.

Seriously...Food can be better than sex (unless sex involves food). I'd rather be fat, full and satisfied....than fucking, bored, and dissatisfied. I'm more satisfied eating some Nutella on multigrain bread....than having sex.

Sometimes. :)

May 2, 2010

Willing Suspension of Disbelief

So...I am REALLY excited to see the movie Just Wright that's coming out May 14th with Queen Latifah, Paula Patton, Pam Grier, Phylicia Rashad and most of all...that sexy, tall drink of Caramel Latte Common. *fans self* (Clearly, Common is the selling point of the entire theatrical experience)

The concept, however, is well......unrealistic. And do I really wanna pay almost $10 to go see a Lifetime movie??? This is from Queen Latifah's FB page:

Come peep me as I play LESLIE WRIGHT , a straight—shooting physical therapist who gets the gig of a lifetime working with NBA All—Star Scott McKnight (Common). All is going well until Leslie finds herself falling for Scott, forcing her to choose between the gig of a lifetime and the tug—of—war inside her heart. Oblivious to her romantic overtures, McKnight is instead drawn to the affections of Leslie's gorgeous childhood friend Morgan (Paula Patton — PRECIOUS), who has her sights set on being an NBA trophy wife. Is Leslie destined to play the role of "best friend" forever or will Scott finally see that what he always wanted is right in front of him? Set against the exciting world of championship basketball, the game of love takes on the battle of the sexes in the romantic sports comedy JUST WRIGHT, starring three of Hollywood's most charismatic personalities as they navigate the full—court—press of love.

I mean..let's be real. Do you REALLY think a fine, NBA dude...would pass up an NBA prototype looking wife like Paula Patton.....for a WNBA looking Queen Latifah?? I was listening to Common on the Steve Harvey Morning show and even he said.."'s a fairy tale". You damn right it's a fairy Tale. Let's take a look...shall some famous NBA couples:

(Lebron and his BF Savannah)

Kobe and Vanessa

Jason Kidd and ex wife Joumana

Tony Parker and Eva Longoria Parker

Notice a pattern here?? Do any of them look like Queen Latifah??? any of them look like ME? Uhm.............. Imma say no. No matter her issues or attitude. A man will put up with it for some arm candy. And especially in an industry like the NBA, full of bravado and image, it's all about the arm candy, groupies, and the prettier the pussy...the better. (And dare I say..the LIGHTER and more "indistinguisably ethnic" or non-black,  the better....) Therefore, I'm more inclined to believe that Paula Patton stood a chance in hell...than Latifah (and I love Latifah..dont get me wrong..that's my girl..but she's too "butch" and "big"....let's be real)

Even my boy, my celeb crush, Dhani Jones has a long LIST of requirements (If you think Chili is bad w/ her aint hear nothing yet) .....and on that list he said "mixed/exotic/olive skin" with "Long hair that isn't weave" can hear that interview here


So what's a down-home, thick, average height, natural--haired, loc wearing girl with big almond eyes and mocha colored skin to do???? Is my boy right in the kind of dude I'd be stuck with? (See this week's earlier post) Am I right in my accessment that those kinds of brothers don't go for chicks like me?

I'm just going to have to sit with my popcorn and soda...bite the bullet in the name of supporting black movies....and roll my eyes...laugh and cry..and all while saying."Yeah right...." under my breath.

Hip Hip Hooray for getting folks  (esp. black women's ) hopes up in movies! (Blame Tyler Perry and the rest of these directors for that.............)

*slow sarcastic clap*

Movie comes out May regardless the it.

(If you want...Just buy the matinee ticket and don't watch it. LMAO!)


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