Playing Your Position: A Mistress' Guidebook

In the wake of the recent extramarital affairs and mishaps of Steve McNair, John Edwards, David Letterman, and ESPN’s Steve Phillips’, I think that it may be prudent to write a little “handbook” on how to be a mistress aka a “sideline hoe”. I shall call this mini-book Hoe, Stay In Your MuthaF**king Lane.

Now, let me first say I am TOTALLY against cheating. As a divorced woman, I know how that can hurt whether it be emotional or physical. AND..I was confronted w/ the reality of the DUMBEST chicks on earth (LOL). BUT...if you are GONNA be a sideline hoe, there are a few things you need to know. And for the record, I’ve never been ANYBODY’s mistress… but based on observations of friends, my own experiences via family, funny quips from girls on my webgroups (Twitter, Chocolatebrides, Xanga, etc) and the media, here are some tips the HOE needs to follow.

1) You are NOT FIRST Priority- his wife will forever and always be first. He’s NOT leaving her. So get those fantasies out of your head. No matter what he says…no divorce will be on the horizon for you and your “dude” to be together. NO YOUR PLACE and stay in your line. Open your legs open your mouth; swallow your pride, and LIE THERE. That’s your job. (and occasionally stroking some ego…)
2) Leave your emotions out of it-. Don’t be up here falling in love, waiting with baited breath when dude calls. Go on about your normal day and do your thing. When he calls, make time. If not, move on Don’t let him in your own emotional world. Try not to be that emotionally invested otherwise you will have a mental breakdown
3) If you are going to whore, whore with “purpose”- What are you getting out of this? If all he is doing is laying pipe and saying sweet nothings, you aren’t getting much. Get some bills paid. Get some bobbles, and trinkets and things out the deal. Some diamonds. A few vacations. Hey...that’s what professionals do. *shrug*
4) Don’t try and confront the wife, his kids, etc. What good is that going to do? Remember rule #1…he’s NEVER leaving. He may get divorced...but 10 times outta 9 you are not part of the package. And trust me; every smart woman knows her man is cheating. It wouldn’t be like you were springing big news on her. What on earth could the wife do to you aside from kick your ass?
5) Do not become “clingy/obsessive”- it’s not cute. It’s not going to get you anything but restraining orders and cutting off your funds.
6) Remember: Your pussy is NOTHING special. It’s just pussy. Trust and believe, It’s not “platinum” (that would mean he’d be having fits over seeing you, leaving his wife, raising YOUR kids, etc.) …it might be “gold-plated” silver at best. No matter how good you are “doing” dude…trust and believe...he’s had better. And no amount of screwing is going to make dude leave his wife. Your freaky proclivities are just stuff his wife won’t do…but certainly he could have found anyone to do it. For real. you don’t have “sunshine” (remember Harlem Nights? LOL) Yeah babe, you don’t have it.
7) Trust me you don’t look better than the wife- Just believe it. Face it. Make it your reality. Side-line hoes are always uglier than the wife. And if you just so happen to be prettier, lucky you! But that was just luck!
8) You probably aren’t the only “mistress”- Most men (esp. high powered one) have more than one mistress. Wife-Mistress-Girlfriend. That’s how it usually goes. Why does he do this? BECAUSE HE CAN
9) It ain’t trickin’ if you got it- and if he doesn’t have IT…trust me it’s not worth being a sideline hoe for. Again, what is he doing for YOU
10)DO NOT GET PREGNANT- I don’t give a damn what fancy-ignoramus scheme you think this will net you. (child support, etc) You don’t get pregnant by the John (hookers use precautions to NOT get pregnant. and porn stars too...and so should you). What did you think? A BABY would get him to leave his wife and family? Are you insane? Or just mentally retarded? How can you explain that to the kid? HIS other kids? Etc. Makes no sense whatsoever!

And let me add a few tips for the MEN

1) Stop getting these YOUNG girls to be your sideline hoe- They are mentally unstable, They have no idea what it takes to BE on the sidelines. These aren’t your father’s “kept women” who knew their place. These broads will show up to your job, stalk your wife, and stalk your kids, ride miles in a diaper to confront you…just sick!
2) If your penchant is for young tenders, get a hooker- at least they know their job.
3) Stop falling in LOVE with these hoes and making promises you cant keep- you know damn well you aren’t moving to Argentina! You know you cant keep funding her college education. Stop making her think you are a family
4) Your job is to provide funds, gifts, and penis- you got to pay to play. No more. No less
5) Don’t sh*t where you eat- Stop meeting these hoes on the JOB! WTF! Go outside the job! Also, don’t mess w/ your wife’s’ step-granddaughter or her best friend. Etc. PLEASE let it be a total and complete stranger . FURTHERMORE, stop taking these broads out in PUBLIC. ....
6) Put a hat on it- I don’t care how GOOD it might feel…wear a condom! PERIOD! At all times. You don’t need the babies. (and speaking of which, you might want to have an emergency “abortion” fund just in case…)

As for the wives

One Rule: Pray. Just be prayerful your husband doesn’t do this. Love him, yet don’t overly stroke his ego. Women want security, men want to feel relevant. Make him feel relevant. This isn’t to say be a doormat. If something is wrong, speak up. If you don’t like his actions, confront him. And don’t be afraid to LEAVE. And revenge is never the answer. EVER. Keep the lines of communication (sexual and otherwise) open. At least even if he does step out, you can say “I tried my best”. And then it’s on HIM to pay for his own sins!

A Follow-Up Blog: Click-A-Date

When we last left off, ya’ll, I had gone out on a total limb and met this fine, and caramel skinned Adonis at the coffee shop from a dating site. Well….he’s still around but….well...let me back it the story up:

After I met the man I now call “Green Eyes”, we talked for a while. I noticed that he'd much rather text or IM than talk on the phone. Hmmm...A bit of a red flag for me but in this age of technology, I really don’t expect me to be super talkative on the phone. We have talked...but maybe a total of 3-4 times. After our initial meeting, I sent him a text and said it was a pleasure to meet him. I didn’t get a response until the next day. I felt somewhat hurt that he didn’t appear to have the same enthusiasm I had felt. He asked me...”So…what was your impression of me?” And I said quite sweetly that I thought he was nice, handsome man and we had great conversation. He said he enjoyed talking to me and that he “had to stop himself from staring and drooling”. Interesting.

He constantly sends me “Good morning” texts…which is also very sweet but there isn’t much else after the texts...sometimes he goes hours without responding. Another red flag for me. It’s not that I NEED or want constant texting but going hours and hours without correspondence really tells me a) you are too busy and b) perhaps you have your “poker” in multiple fires...if you know what I mean. or c) as I read in Hill Harper's book "You are contacting me NOW with a general text in order for you not to have to contact me for the rest of the day to have the appearance that I'm on your mind.". Very slick move by brothas these days...LOL

I think the kicker was our first “date”. I put that in quotes for a reason. He picked me up at my job and we went to a spot that made salads. Oh,he did all the gentlemanly things: opened doors, got my drink for me, let me taste his food. But he did commit one cardinal sin: I paid for my lunch. Yeah, I paid for my own lunch despite the fact that HE asked me to lunch in the first place (and another thing: he asked me via text which I found a bit off-putting.BUT…I was willing to look past that). I am a firm believer in the rule “he who asks, pays” and HE could mean SHE because I’ve certainly paid for a date a time or two without qualms. The conversation at lunch was good for the most part, but somehow, I don’t know, I felt maybe he didn’t want to get to know me. When I asked was there anything he wanted to know about me, he said “Well...I read your Facebook and stuff...and you’re sexy...what else do I need to know?” WOW…really, dude? I spoke about myself and he didn’t appear to be listening which made me think I was boring. Yikes! The follow up text after the date was “I got to see more of your shape”. I must admit, that hurt me. I thought “Wow! I thought I was quite charming today and the only thing he could comment on was that he got to see more of my physique?” (Ok, so maybe he committed a few cardinal dating sins. LOL.)

So I guess I can’t call it a date if I paid for my own lunch. He was just accompanying to me at lunch, you know? I will say we had a great hug and laughed and things...but...I don’t know. *sigh* A lot remains to be seen. I mean I’m certainly not putting all my eggs in one basket and I am certainly going to date more. But I thought for sure I hit a home run my first time at bat! So much is/was confusing (but hammercy if that man wasn't fine! I could lick his face off...LOL) . I don't know much about the male psyche....LOL

There is more that some of my friends know BUT I won’t spoil my general reading public with it or have a biased opinion. I don’t want to discourage you all from trying something new or finding love/friends in a new spot. I am so glad I met Green Eyes. If anything, he’ll be a great friend! AND it also goes to show me that I can pull a man that fine! I mean it was a SERIOUS confidence booster! We still speak and he's sweet and I hold nothing against him and I won't! I mean a lot can occur and part of me still hopes upon hopes and wishing that there is a romantic connection...only God knows!

I actually ended up deleting my profile from that site. I realized that I didn’t have enough time or energy to put into it. I had to concentrate on school, work, etc. and perhaps this was a distraction for me from the big picture of things going on in my life.


A lot remains to be seen…but…

As Jay-Z says….”ON TO THE NEXT ONE!”

Toodles, ya’ll!!

Tee

Stepping Outside the Box: Click-a-Date

So my friend J, a tall, voluptuous Blasian girl that would put Kimora Lee Simmons to shame, suggested that I try internet dating. Now..I've been dabbling in the world of on-line dating (really on the peripheral) for a while.



I mean..back in the day, all the college kids used College Club and BlackPlanet. We even had sites for Greeks back in the day as well. All of that seemed rather safe. I mean if anything, with those worlds being SO small, you could have a safe checks and balances. It was invaluable to us as black students. We could connect with folks, sorors and frats. It was fun. I met a few guys from there (mostly fellow Greeks) and dated some long term. I even met my best, closest friends on the Internet. I even reconnected w/ my ex husband via Blackplanet (we had met like 2 years before when he came to my alma mater on a road trip). I digress.....



After the divorce, I had profiles everywhere. BlackPeopleMeet, Match, EHarmony, and even Yahoo. NO hits whatsoever. I even joined Asian Ave trying to find "something new". BUT...no luck. I keep meeting weirdos and duds. OR the people I contacted never contacted be back. AND it was getting expensive. And I realized also...this was WAY too soon. I needed to take a break.So anyway...J suggested that I try another site. PlentyofFish.com (I am in now way endorsing any site over another..this is just my blog experience). She had been having great results where she was (She's in S. Florida) and met some fine hunks of chocolate. I was like.hmmm... The bonus: It was totally free.



So, given that this was almost a year to the date of my divorce, I felt it was enough time to be away from that medium. I put up a VERY specific profile on there. I waited..and waited. No hits. I got my first hit after about a month of being on there. OMG..dude was SO not my type. After that, I kept encountering guys who just did nothing for me. Men who were not articulate. Men with too many kids. With too many divorces. The guys I contacted were also not contacting me back, *sigh*...Discouraged I thought about giving up.... that is....until..

I was browsing the site at work, bored to death, and came across the profile of one gorgeous, caramel colored brotha with some very intense green eyes. I stared for a second and contemplated not sending anything. "This man is far too good looking", I said to myself. I read his profile, looked at his picture and sent him a simple message: "Hello. Nice Tattoos".

I waited a while and he wrote me back..we traded messages every few days. Finally he sent me his number and said call him. I did but it was very brief. We continued to send IM"s and chat. Finally, today was the day we were to meet in person.

I was nervous and terrified with my stomach in knots. The original lunch date got cancelled due to inclimate weather and I asked him could be meet me at Starbucks near my house. My girl J (And my girl N) was texting me with her suggestions concerns and suggestions on how to
interact. I'd never done anything like this before and I needed help on all ends.

I waited about 30 minutes (was getting nervous and thought about backing out)..and in walks this tall, thick, fine, caramel, green-eyed drink of hot butterscotch sauce! LOL. I almost died..but I had to keep it cool. Brothaman was GORGEOUS. My hands were shaking for a little while and I think I probably had a cheese-eating grin the whole time. I got up and hugged him. (Sidebar: You know how you have one of those hugs you wanna sink into but try hard not to..yeah..it was one of those. )

We talked for like an hour about a range of topics, from football to finances. I think after a while we both loosened up and were able to laugh. I asked was I anything like my pictures (I had even let him have privileged FB access) and he said "OH yeah..definitely!" I said "Likewise" (but truly..likewise was an understatement).

Afterwards, we hugged and he left. There were no definite plans of seeing each other again..but I hope so. I texted him and said it was a pleasure to meet him. I mean a girl can be hopeful!

At least I can say that I took a chance and tried a new way of dating.

Would I do it again? Maybe. If the odds were good I'd meet some Adonis...er..I mean nice man like this (LOL). Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised. I can't stop smiling.

This was totally stepping out of the box for real! :)

Commuter Realities

I take public transportation to work everyday. I don’t own a car right now (which often times seems like a liability in the dating world…btw) and I am trying to get my other finances and the PhD situation straightened out before I get into a loan for a depreciating debt. But I digress….

I get to work about 7:30 and leave work around 4:30. My commute isn’t long at all (about 45 minutes). Most days I sit and read a book or play around on my Blackberry to pass the time….trying to ignore begging drug addicts, rude teenagers, loud, boorish men, and other unpleasantries.

Yesterday, I sat on the bus and just looked around. I didn’t see a single man on my shuttle from work. Most of the women were black, older, round and shapely…Their hands were withered and labored. They breathed hard breathes, as if they had exasperated themselves completely. Some wore work uniforms, denoting their roles as custodial or cooking services. Some, like me, wore business casual attire. But they all had one thing in common: their souls looked so bothered and tired. They appeared burdened and exhausted. Granted, the day could have worn them out. No one LIKES to work at a place that undermines, undervalues and underappreciated them. But…they looked like they worked and slaved all day for absolutely nothing…and those that they were going home to absolutely nothing.

I admit the latter is a total assumption on my part. But it just appeared to be that way. I wondered: Do these women go home to loving, hardworking husbands? Or a husband who isn’t sh*t? Or no one at all? A cat? Or several cats? Do they eat a perfectly portioned dinner for one alone in front of the TV everyday? Do they eat at all? Or maybe read their bibles or listen to music? Did some of the other women have children or grandchildren? Or none at all? I caught the eye of a woman I used to work with in another department. She spoke to me in her usual lively voice and I smiled and returned the greeting. I knew for a fact she was well into her 60’s, college educated, unmarried, and had lived with a brother who died not too long ago. She owned her own home and lived alone. She had been working the same job for what seemed like 35 or more years.

I sat frozen and paralyzed once the bus stopped... The women had long departed and I had to snap out of it. Tears rolled down my face and quickly wiped them off. I said to myself “Oh God. What if this is me in another 20 years. Doing the same routine day after day…and coming home to absolutely nothing?” In my case, I ‘m allergic to cats so there would be NOTHING. Not even a cat. (And I do not want to turn into “cat lady”)

It was a very harsh thing to possibly see your future reflected in the faces of women you saw everyday. It was as if someone held The Wicked Witch’s magic mirror up to your face…and you saw what was inside you…and what could be your future.

It’s up to me to try and change it. I hope by making small strides I am doing just that.

Because They Can

In talking to various men in my life (not necessarily IN my life, but just swirling around the peripheral of my life), I’ve come to an understanding about why men operate the way they do. Simply…

BECAUSE THEY CAN

I asked a male friend of mine why did he marry his wife and why is he staying? Innocent enough question. Is it monitary? Does she fulfill some sort of need otherwise? Is it a comfortable lifestyle? Is it her connections? He said “The truth is that I'm w/my wife for the same reasons I married her. She's been a good friend, a staunch ally through some really difficult shit, we have fun together, & I love her. Nothing superficial. That's not 2 say that it's been all rosy obviously. It's been horrible @ times, a lot of time. But those are the fundamental reasons that kept me fighting 4 the relationship in a nutshell.”

I’m sure some of you reading are going “Aww…that;s great”. Did I mention he’s been cheating on his wife for the past year (maybe more)? Yeah………not so altruistic and noble now is it. He’s quick to point out “I’m a flawed man, I’m not perfect, etc.” yet is doing absolutely NOTHING to change that behavior. Why is he cheating? Because he can.

I had an epiphany right then and there. Even the slimiest of men can love their wives. Furthermore, it took me 15 years of dating...6 years of a relationship and 2.5 years of marriage to realize that men stay out of OBLIGATION. Nothing More. Nothing Less. I think even part of the reason my ex husband stayed as long as he did was due to obligation. I’m sure he loved me, but he was OBLIGATED to stay as long as he did...until I ended it. Passive-aggressive behavior. Why did he do the things he did in the marriage? BECAUSE HE COULD. Period.

I talked to my frat brother (who has appeared more than once in my blog..same dude who said my “married”, non-cooking friends need to teach me something), about the dynamics of male female relationships. He claims that he understands them perfectly. His “rules” he said. He said, “ It’s not supposed to 'make sense' because emotions are involved. Nobody wants to be hurt so we say this or don't say that in an effort to preserve our feelings. We say we want the truth but get mad when we hear it.” Hmm, that's all well and good but I thought to myself (and asked him), “If you have this great understanding of relationships, then why aren’t you settling down instead of having a steady diet of “cut buddies?” His answer: Don’t worry about me. Is that right? He said that because he understands how it [relationships] works, why does it have to work for him right now. Why not?? You are damn near 30 years old!! So I asked if he was just waiting to settle down OR does he have a specific person that he wants to settle down with?” He said, “Yes”.

*pause*

Ok…it doesn’t make sense to me that if you have someone you KNOW you want to be with…that you are steady flirting with women, lusting after women, sexing/sexting other women. Shouldn’t your focus be to prepare yourself spiritually, physically and emotionally for your mate? He said I was painting him out to be a “horndog out here busting nuts with total disregard” and that he “actually looks at more women than sex them down” and that I am “taking things too literal”. That isn’t how I painted him to be, that’s how he portrays himself. *shrug*. I can only work with the information given to me. So why is he doing this?? Because he can.

My sorority sister pointed out to me that “men live in the meantime”. They do all that they want to do until they feel that the time has come for them to put away childish things, attitudes and approaches. I just feel it’s dangerous and self-destructive. Men, however, don’t feel that way. They are just “doing them”. Fine. Go ahead and masterbate your ego. It’s wasted energy.

Not only do men do these things “because they can” (in the famous words of Bill Clinton re: his affair with Monica Lewinski ), but because WE ALLOW them to. I’m totally not putting the blame on men nor is this a “I hate men” diatribe. But until women put their foot down on how they will be treated, we will be nothing more than “playthings” for men until we ask to be loved, respected, and given what we want. No more. No less. Stop giving people the ROPE to hang you with.

It saddens me to think that these are the types of games and mindsets of a lot of men that I have to look forward to in the dating world. I just refuse to settle for bullshit. IN THE MEANTIME, for me, I’m placing myself spiritually, physically, and emotionally in a realm of love, understanding and focus on building something significant. I’m not going to be someone’s “meantime girl” or “mistress on the side” or “fun-time girl they get their jollies with until some other broad gets HER mind right”.

I deserve more than that.

WE (as human beings) deserve more than that.