Sex and The Southern Belle

In the wake of the recent extramarital affairs and mishaps of Steve McNair, John Edwards, David Letterman, and ESPN’s Steve Phillips’, I think that it may be prudent to write a little “handbook” on how to be a mistress aka a “sideline hoe”. I shall call this mini-book Hoe, Stay In Your MuthaF**king Lane.

Now, let me first say I am TOTALLY against cheating. As a divorced woman, I know how that can hurt whether it be emotional or physical. AND..I was confronted w/ the reality of the DUMBEST chicks on earth (LOL). BUT...if you are GONNA be a sideline hoe, there are a few things you need to know. And for the record, I’ve never been ANYBODY’s mistress… but based on observations of friends, my own experiences via family, funny quips from girls on my webgroups (Twitter, Chocolatebrides, Xanga, etc) and the media, here are some tips the HOE needs to follow.

1) You are NOT FIRST Priority- his wife will forever and always be first. He’s NOT leaving her. So get those fantasies out of your head. No…

When we last left off, ya’ll, I had gone out on a total limb and met this fine, and caramel skinned Adonis at the coffee shop from a dating site. Well….he’s still around but….well...let me back it the story up:

After I met the man I now call “Green Eyes”, we talked for a while. I noticed that he'd much rather text or IM than talk on the phone. Hmmm...A bit of a red flag for me but in this age of technology, I really don’t expect me to be super talkative on the phone. We have talked...but maybe a total of 3-4 times. After our initial meeting, I sent him a text and said it was a pleasure to meet him. I didn’t get a response until the next day. I felt somewhat hurt that he didn’t appear to have the same enthusiasm I had felt. He asked me...”So…what was your impression of me?” And I said quite sweetly that I thought he was nice, handsome man and we had great conversation. He said he enjoyed talking to me and that he “had to stop himself from staring and drooling”. Interesting.

He consta…

So my friend J, a tall, voluptuous Blasian girl that would put Kimora Lee Simmons to shame, suggested that I try internet dating. Now..I've been dabbling in the world of on-line dating (really on the peripheral) for a while.



I mean..back in the day, all the college kids used College Club and BlackPlanet. We even had sites for Greeks back in the day as well. All of that seemed rather safe. I mean if anything, with those worlds being SO small, you could have a safe checks and balances. It was invaluable to us as black students. We could connect with folks, sorors and frats. It was fun. I met a few guys from there (mostly fellow Greeks) and dated some long term. I even met my best, closest friends on the Internet. I even reconnected w/ my ex husband via Blackplanet (we had met like 2 years before when he came to my alma mater on a road trip). I digress.....



After the divorce, I had profiles everywhere. BlackPeopleMeet, Match, EHarmony, and even Yahoo. NO hits whatsoever. I even joined …

I take public transportation to work everyday. I don’t own a car right now (which often times seems like a liability in the dating world…btw) and I am trying to get my other finances and the PhD situation straightened out before I get into a loan for a depreciating debt. But I digress….

I get to work about 7:30 and leave work around 4:30. My commute isn’t long at all (about 45 minutes). Most days I sit and read a book or play around on my Blackberry to pass the time….trying to ignore begging drug addicts, rude teenagers, loud, boorish men, and other unpleasantries.

Yesterday, I sat on the bus and just looked around. I didn’t see a single man on my shuttle from work. Most of the women were black, older, round and shapely…Their hands were withered and labored. They breathed hard breathes, as if they had exasperated themselves completely. Some wore work uniforms, denoting their roles as custodial or cooking services. Some, like me, wore business casual attire. But they all had one thing i…

In talking to various men in my life (not necessarily IN my life, but just swirling around the peripheral of my life), I’ve come to an understanding about why men operate the way they do. Simply…

BECAUSE THEY CAN
I asked a male friend of mine why did he marry his wife and why is he staying? Innocent enough question. Is it monitary? Does she fulfill some sort of need otherwise? Is it a comfortable lifestyle? Is it her connections? He said “The truth is that I'm w/my wife for the same reasons I married her. She's been a good friend, a staunch ally through some really difficult shit, we have fun together, & I love her. Nothing superficial. That's not 2 say that it's been all rosy obviously. It's been horrible @ times, a lot of time. But those are the fundamental reasons that kept me fighting 4 the relationship in a nutshell.”

I’m sure some of you reading are going “Aww…that;s great”. Did I mention he’s been cheating on his wife for the past year (maybe more)? Yeah…………