May 23, 2014

Beauty and the Boudoir



As part of my wedding photography package, I opted against doing traditional bridal portraits in favor of bridal boudoir photographs. I had done something "similar' in my first marriage but my ex husband was involved...and I hated the fact that he was in most of the shots. Needless to say...these would be different.....I'd be totally alone.

I was so nervous. I spent days and nights planning and picking out outfits.... I had been working out but I was self-conscious because I wasn't as fit as I wanted to be for these photos. I was going to call the whole thing off but my mother seemed excited for me...and my aunt thought that this would be the perfect gift to give my fiance' on our wedding day. I had a room and floor full of Lingerie and Louboutins.....everything that seemed "sexy" or bridal...I had it out.

I labored for hours over my hair and makeup and nervously paced the floor waiting on our wedding photographer and his wife (and thank God she was there!). I opened the door and they were so excited. They put my at ease. They made sure things would be tasteful and that my fiance' would love them. His wife fixed my hair in every shot...she even adjusted my boobs. They kept saying "it's just the simple things that make it work".... We had music going and I even had a "shot" to ease my nerves. He was creative and a patient....he and his wife eased my self consciousness and after a 2 hour shoot....I was relaxed.


Then it was over.

 It happened so fast. All I heard him say was "I think we got it!" and he was packing up his camera bag! His wife hugged me and said "You're gonna be such a pretty bride! See you in September!".....and they were off.

I didn't get to see many of the images...the photographer would teasingly flash the camera's screen at me then laugh. I had trust in him...but the truth is...I didn't have trust in myself. What if my rolls were showing? What if I looked crazy? What if I was sweaty?

Weeks and weeks went by...until finally my photographer sends me an email simply stating "they're ready"....with a link to a Zip file of the edited shots.

I opened the first picture..............my mouth fell open.and tears dropped from my eyes. I was speechless. I realized after about 15 minutes I was simply staring at my Ipad....

Was that really me??? Was I truly that beautiful? Is that was Jay sees when he sees me, stripped down and just with raw emotions? Or glammed up in this way?   It was the first time in my 35 years of existence that I had seen myself like that: beautiful, glamorous, elegant, sexy...... 

I shot my photographer a quick email with the exclamation of "OMG...is that really me!?" He said "Yep..that's all you! I'm just the dude with the camera!" The photographer and his editor/assistant had done amazing job! I scrolled through picture after picture...amazed at what I saw before me. Sure they were edited...but it was me! It wasn't to the point where I was unrecognizable. Just as my photographer had said.  Yep....it was all me. They were edited but not perfect...just me.... I was really beautiful. I mean...I was stunning....

I am itching to show my fiance'....but they are a total surprise. Once he opens the book as he gets ready on our wedding day...I am sure he will be amazed that his wife looks like that. And be in total anticipation of the wedding day....(and night! ;) )

But then again....he's always felt that way. And all it took was a photograph to make me really see what he saw in me....




PS: If you are interested in my photographer and you are in the Atlanta area or Southeast, look him up!

Montoya Turner of Made you Look Photography!

*and no....he isn't paying me to say this or even giving me anything free!! I just love the man for his work!*


:)

May 1, 2014

Marshmallow Blues and Honeymoon Dreams

My wedding is in 4 months and 20 days............

I work out. I eat right 90% 85% if the time...  Granted I've been sick off and on for the better part of 8 months as well....and my fear is that I will appear like this coming down the aisle:




I've always had a struggle with maintaining a healthy weight. Even when I was in high school and barely 125 lbs..I had "thick thighs" and got teased. So naturally, I do not want to waddle down the aisle looking like a big, puffy marshmallow. I picked a wedding dress that will suck in my shape. But knowing the tag says "Size 20" is so disheartening. And most of it is boobs and my tummy...blah!


I have a dress fitting in almost a month. And I know that I will not have lost anything. I thought about doing some Arden's Garden detox for a few days. Or just forgoing meat. Or giving up my daily, 2 oz chocolate habit....

But I like food. And I like working out. But I also don't like having liver issues or a slow thyroid...so that makes it even harder.


Not to mention...I wanna wear a bikini for the first time on my honeymoon. I wanna come out the water like Halle Berry on James Bond.....or like that amazon Serena Williams on the beach...

(I hate her *smh*)

I wanna be able to not have my gut hang over my bikini looking like Rasputia from "Norbit". I wanna go sarong-free. But no matter how hard I try. How hard i push myself each gym session How hard I switch up calories and what I eat... Nothing. Is. Working. I joined the 90 Day Challenge a with some gals on Instagram and I feel like I am failing miserably.....

I think the greatest lesson I've learned in this is that I have to accept the 35 year old body I have now and work with it. I will just lace up some corsets and keep it moving under my dress. I will just rock a sassy one piece and not that Wonder Woman Bikini I was thinking about........ 

I've vented to my mother and my FMIL who both are like "Girl bye...just rock it and keep it moving"........ But I am paranoid about back fat and waving arms............ I feel so sick.

But....

Then I think about my fiance's face. Who will prob be wet with tears when he seems me coming down the aisle on my brother's arm..............and who , on the honeymoon, will be ready to take of ALL clothing and will be like "Why you packing clothes in the first place?" (LMAO)............

At night he whispers to me..." I'm so excited....I cant wait to see you come down the aisle..."and somehow that eases my apprehension........

...then I dream about myself in a giant cloud of white foolishness....with seeping back fat. :(



Lord help me.

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