October 26, 2010

The Curious Case of Mr. Farrahkhan Comb-Over: Part II

If you’ve caught up with my blog, you’ll recall my post on Mr. Comb-Over. When we last left our adventures on the public transporation, I was going to ask Mr. Comb-Over his name but we got distracted by the crazy homeless man spewing foolishness about Mexicans and white people…
Anyway….this brings us to yesterday.
Mondays I work quite late. So I don’t get off until an hour after my normal time. I made it downtown and I thought to myself…I probably won’t even see Mr. Comb-over! Oh well….(This has also become a marker of what TIME it is when I see him..so I know when I’ll get home…so he’s a virtual clock. LOL)
I am walking down the steps and I walk past the crowd and stand in my usual spot on the platform. I was reading my book for class (which I still don’t understand). All of a sudden..I look to my left and he’s there…I heard him on the phone saying “I called to speak to you, Mama…aren’t you the greatest Mama in the world?”
Oh gosh! He’s a mama’s boy..Aww…that’s sweet (lol). So I sorta ease-dropped and heard him talking to his mother and his father as well..and chatting it up on family gossip. I laughed. He’s clearly a good, Southern boy.
As the  train was approaching..I was trying to ease my way into a prime location and he was right next to me. The doors opeed and he said “After you..” I said..”HEY!” and smiled. And he smiled. VERY nice smile. (lol). After we got on the train..there were no seats..so I had to stand next to him. So I struck up a conversation. “So ..I see you EVERYday on the train..what IS your name?” He extended his hand and said “It’s Dwayne…nice to meet you”. I laughed thinking “He looks like a Dwayne..” and shook his hand and introduced myself. He said “Yeah..looks like we have the same work schedule.” I said.”yes definitely…I work so late now…” He was like..”are you in school”….
..and there started a train-ride conversation. I learned that Dwayne was from ATL and worked for a pretty famous copier company. We talked fortune 500 and stuff. His family was in ATL and his parents were getting up in age and he checks on them a lot (hence the phone call). I didn’t ask if he had kids..or was married..or anything. I didn’t wanna know that. I figured we could leave that for the second ride home (where we actually talk). Furthermore, I am not seriously interested in the man because I find the whole comb-over thing too comical.  My friend Candi goes “Sometimes you gotta take a good country boy and clean him up and upgrade him a bit” (or something like that…her Dad said it to her..LOL). I was like..yeah that’s so true…but this man obviously seems set in his ways with that edged up comb-over. Besides...making a new friend is totally harmless.
Well..at least I learned his name! *shrug*

To be continued…..

October 21, 2010

Sometimes You Sound Better Naked

a.k.a. “A Tale of  ( and Letter to) Two Talkers”


 The Dingbat Slugger

Men, too, can have a case of the “ditzy blonde”.  They talk in circles about pretty much nothing.. If you try and talk about current events, they give you the blank face. And sometimes…we need an exposed penis to be distracted from your lazy, boring , uneventful everyday convo.  That dizty, dingbat is YOU good sir.

Sometimes I just wanna duck tape you, dude and have you just do the mechanics- naked, wanting, and with a big, thick Louisville Slugger staff. In any other situation, you’d bore me otherwise.  On dates you just sit there stuffing your face or talking about YOURSELF, cutting me off and talking in circles. And if your joint wasn’t so banging, I would have gotten rid of you a long time ago. So for our sake and the sake of orgasms, just STFU.

Furthermore, you notice that I don’t call you until I want some(thing). I used to get mad that all you wanted to do was text but now I realize you don’t have shit pertinent to contribute to a real life conversation…so perhaps it’s for the best...because now even your text messages are turrible *Charles Barkley voice*. One word sentences?? Yawn Disjointed topics? Boooooo!


Even your sex talk is boring..I literally wanna put a sock in yo grill..let ME do the talking. If you didn’t have so much girth and could rupture my spleen, we’d been trough long ago! You just sit there…on the sofa..tapping your leg and nodding. What are you? A deaf mute?  Feels like I’m having a conversation with John Coffy without the magical qualities. Smh

Trust me..my vagina appreciate it but my mentals which deserve to be stimulated are turning into Tapioca pudding. I ask you “So is there anything you wanna say? What’s going on..”

And you shake your head like a 2 year old...or just shrug...or say one word or two. A sentence usually has a subject and a predicate.

Maybe you are playing me and don’t wanna talk to me. That’s fine as long as we’re  agreeing not to hear your vocals at any point during our interactions.

The Standup Comedian

Then you got the opposite of John Coffy (see above) and a dude who talks rapidly like a bad Robin Williams standup! Hey Kat Williams…STFU!!! 

You are up here talking all that sh*t and your wang looks like a downward pointing small arrow.  Where is that thing point? Just hush your mouth and put your jaws to work. I am not doing call and response with you. I didn’t want to have a lengthy convo before, during, or after.   Your job is to do the job..and occasionally moan and say very little. NOT to do a Congressional style filibuster.....BUSTER!Seriously…bust a nut then bust a move, keep it moving,  and be out like Gays in San Fran! 



Honestly..the best sound either of you can make is dropping trough and just…being quiet.

October 20, 2010

The Adventures of Mr. Farrakhan Comb-Over

If you all follow me on Twitter, you know that I often tweet about my adventures on our local public transportation. Sometimes, I'll even sneak a Twitpic here or there for some comedy. So much ignorance occurs on the train..


Recently, I've had a series of tweets about a guy with a serious Minister Farrakhan Comb-Over.... Yes..his hair is wavy...like Farrakhan..and parted on the side like Booker T. Washington....yet the man has a HOLE in the top of his natural. Sorta like the good minister himself....

(God bless the Hon. Minister..but his hair has just GOT to go...let it go, Brother Minister!!)

 As a matter of fact...I talked about dude on one of my earlier blogs about "accountability" and really fucked up hairlines. Someone is cutting this man's hair..taking his money..and LYING to him. The edge up and neck line stays fresh!

Anyway...

The man is VERY attractive.  Caramel colored. Great smile. He may be in his late 30s/early 40s. Dresses sharp...no wedding band (oh yeah..I checked..not even a tan line).  I see a government badge (so I assume he works at the Federal center).  He could be sugar-daddy material....(ha! I kid....sorta..LMAO!) Because I am working later now due to my work and school obligations, I get to see him more often. If I am at one end of the platform...he comes down to the other end...literally within a few feet. At first I thought this was just a coincidence until I saw this happening more than once. I could be coming down the steps...I look his way..he smiles....and I smile and nod back. I swear this is the routine each and every time I see him..and deep inside I wanna yell...."OMG DUDE! You are so handsome..CUT THE SH*T OFF! LET IT GO!"

Last week, he was talking to his friend/co-worker (I think they had the same badge on). Anyway..I remember I looked particularly yummy that day cause I had on leggings, long boyfriend sweater,ankle boots and a tight shirt and fly accessories. When I came down the steps to the train..I saw him talking..and his head SNAPPED (I had on Ipods) and he mouthed something to the friend..who then looked at me too. I was like..WTF...but I kept on walking. I'm jamming to some Drake.... and I look up...and they are both looking my way..and smiling. I look my way...all I see is old ladies, unruly teenagers and some thugs. Uhm...ok.

The train is totally packed...I'm standing up..Comb-over  and his friend are by the doors and still talking. He looks over..and does the half smile again. I smile back. I get to my stop..and I have to maneuver to get to the door. At this point I took my Ipod earbuds out....as the doors open he leans in and goes..."Now...you have a nice evening...." I was like..OH WOW....he spoke to me.....


Today..I thought things were coming to a head....I see Mr. Farrakhan Comb-Over on the eastbound platform. He smiles..I smile..we go through our usual routine. We enter the train..I sit near..but not too near....He's looking over..I smile..he smiles. THEN..this big dude gets on the train and blocks his view..I look up..and I see Mr. Comb-over peeking over dude's shoulder. I giggled..but then I thought to myself "Oh boy..that's kinda weird.". LMAO! Craning your neck...cant be a good look. Dude I see you! Anyway...He sorta nods his head down...and I muffle a laugh. I think.."OK..today..I'm gonna be bold..I'm gonna SAY something to do..". I'm about 1 stop away from my stop..At the Decatur station..this CRAZY old man gets on the train..yelling about white people and Mexicans taking over the country, reeking of booze in a plastic jug and perhaps feces. GAG!!  Mr. Comb-over is visibly disturbed...and because I have to go past this crazy man to get out...I don't even get a chance to say anything to Comb-over....


I get on the escalator and look back as the train is pulling off...I see Mr. Comb-Over looking out of the window...smiling.




I guess we'll do this same dance again..and again..Maybe one day I'll know his name.


Smooches, loves!





A Short Blog: Truth of the Matter Is

..I might be a tad bit more "prudish" than folks think.

I was thinking back to my video blog on the Kegel Excerciser (which BTW..I really appreciate all the feedback on it and some of you actually decided to order one..or a version if it). BUT...I had guys (some that I knew) writing me and commenting to me about it (sidebar of course):

"DAMN!..so what level did you get to?"
"Can I watch next time?"
"You dont need that thing...practice with me"
"I bet you masterbated with it didnt you"
"I just keep looking at your_____"


*sigh*...I thought a video would be fun..but I think I'm not gonna do anymore product reviews via video.

The blog is Sex and the Southern Belle..therefore we talk about sex...sexual health and responsibility...dating...toys...relationships..etc.

But I'm not your personal porn star. Nor are my videos your "foreplay". It's aggrevating...I'm not some wanton sex kitten. I'm just Mocha. The thought of some dude beating off to this is just...*shudders*..disturbing.  I cant hide my boobs..they are there. I cant hide anything else. nor will I wear a burka to do blogs. I do love sex..with a respectful PARTNER. I love making love more. I am really a relationship kinda gal..so if it's a freak you want...this might be the wrong blog for you to read.  This isnt about products getting me off..or anything.  Not once did I say that. I wanna break down taboos....about health. However, I'm not gonna be on camera...nude...etc. I wont be talking about HOW I do or perform any sexual act...or demonstrate. I wont be doing that.....

My mama actually reads my blog...so....nope. Not gonna do that.

With that said..I'll still be doing the reviews..( LOVE this company..Eden Fantasys)...but eh..we are gonna hold off on videos!

Smooches!

October 18, 2010

Feeling/Not Feeling

Feeling

  • tired...all the damn time
  • Breyer's Chocolate Ice Cream Sandwiches
  • like dusting off my Nikes
  • Willow Smith's lil song! WHip yo hair, honey!
  • Bruno Mars' new album
  • Mickey D's sweet tea
  • the upcoming blog design
  • Fantasia's Reality Show (guilty pleasure)
  • The new season of Dexter
  • Boardwalk Empire
  • happy for my mother
  • Edens Fantasys! They are awesome folks!
  • like i should just have smoothies and salad till the end of the year.

Not Feeling
  • this research class I'm taking. It makes NO SENSE To me whatsoever
  • I am fighting the urge to quit school everyday
  • eating out all the time
  • Wacka Flacka ...he's so trash!
  • How McDonald's now has me hooked on the damn sweet tea.
  • How Lil Wayne decided to disrespect my sorority in his song Gonorrhea.
  • that my Dad is THE asshole of all anuses.....
  • that I've gained 20 lbs in 4 months since being in school (not even kidding)
  • Lyfe Jennings and T.I. must love jail....
  • appreciated
  • discrimination against Muslims
  • this chipped pedicure...*sigh*
  • being broke again...yet debt free...thats always good 
  • the fact that men look at my Vlogs with a "sexual slant" in mind. "What you doing with that "dildo"? "Can I see you use it??"  Ugh..gross out!
  • ...that dating or men is a good idea while I'm in my 30s 

October 16, 2010

Keep it Tight: Kegels and Eden Fantasys Product Review #1

As part of the Ambassador Program with Eden Fantasys, I was asked to review the Dr. Laura Berman Juno Kegel exerciser.

I could go on and on about it but.....a Video would probably be best (WARNING: There is NO NUDITY! I am not DEMO-ing the product! LMAO!) 







As the manufacturer suggests:


By no means an ordinary dildo, the Juno™ doubles as a weighted pelvic exerciser, and many women find that exercising your pelvic, or kegel, muscle for a short period of time every day will greatly enhance your sex life by giving you more vaginal control. First you need to locate your pelvic muscle if you don’t already know where it is-it’s the one you use to start or stop the flow of urine.


For best results, practice exercising just your pelvic muscle for five to ten minutes a day...




It's so fun and easy to use. Trust me..you'll get a lot of use and enjoyment out of it.

I give  the Product a 5 out of 5: affordable, easy to use, and comfortable.



Please take a look at Eden Fantasys, guys and gals! You won't be disappointed :) My affiliate code is: GFH. So when you order, please add it :)

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

October 15, 2010

The "IF" Game: A Short Blog

Ladies.. You're familiar with this game. Trust me, you know it all to well.  It starts of with these phrases:

"If I wasn't married.."
"If I didn't have a girl..."
"If we weren't long distance.."
"If I didn't live w/ my fiancé..."
"If my baby mama wasn't a hood rat..."
"If I wasn't an asshole..."
"If I had a better job..."
"If I wasn't ready to settle down..."
"If you/I were older/younger..."
"If I wasn't so busy..."
"If I wasn't living at home..."



.....I'd be your man/we'd get together.

I could go on and on. It's painful. I'm not sure what the point if the "if" game is. Surely you don't think I'm flattered or it makes me feel better that SOMEONE out there finds me date-able. It doesn't. You are simply highlighting the fact that I'm still single and there aren't any prospects on the horizon. So.. Saying "well.. I'd be with you if ABC and XYZ wasn't in place" makes you think you're complimenting me. Nope... Just making me feel even more pathetic... But truth of the matter is...quite frankly..I didn't measure up. I wasnt good enough.  Your fiancee' is a lawyer...an MD...your wife is an top prosecutor...a college professor..a research scientist...a top buyer for a major retail chain.... You too wanted to upgrade yourself. So maybe the "IF" game should start with...."IF I didnt have a better choice....."

Actually, now that I think about it.. The "if" game isn't about the woman at all.  The "if" game is about YOU- a daydreaming "ego" stroke.  Look at me. Fantasize about me. I'm the perfect guy..so much so.. I'm willing to let you think I'd date you given the right circumstances. I'm allowing you to think we'd be perfect together! Although there's only one me.. See.. There's hope. *insert irony and sarcasm*

So please.. Do me and yourself a favor and put a sock in it. Daydreams are for Muppet babies.

I'm not inclined to play those games. I'm not fond of the "if" game. You are selling me the impossible dream..

If "if" was a "fifth" we'd all be drunk....and right now you are making me have to get my stomach pumped.

October 14, 2010

Ugh...Private Parts

Quite honestly, and this may come as a shock to you all, I dislike private parts. ALL private parts…

Men and women (but especially men) love themselves some private parts. Other women’s private parts…their own…they have no shame in showing them off. How many women know men who just freely snap a pic of their isht to send it to ANY woman? *smh*…Just proud of your Zulu staff!

. What’s so special about a penis..other than the function it has? It’s just not attractive. No wonder old folks called it the “one eyed snake”….

If you’ve seen one penis (size and girth aside)…you’ve seen them all. Snipped or unsnipped. Your isht ain’t special. It’s downright oogly. I mean granted..if you see something you like…(size or girth wise)..you may raise an eyebrow and be pleased. BUT..it certainly isn’t because the penis is a good looking organ (what organ is good looking??? None!)

If you are light skinned and your joint looks like Wesley Snipes..that just ugly.
IF you are dark skinned..and you have that weird pink tip..that just..weird and ugly.
If it curves into the perfect G spot hitter..that’s great..but that curve has to be uncomfortable and that’s just ugly.

I dunno. I guess I’m into the “illusion”. I’d rather look at you in boxer briefs or see a faint outline in your work slacks. I mean I’m not shy when it comes to the act..but I wont tell you “Oh it’s so handsome” or something ridiculous! It’s just a penis. It may be attached to a very nice man..but it’s still just a wang. It’s what you DO with it that makes you special.

Same thing for a woman’s vagina. WTF! What makes a vagina “delicious/.gorgeous” or “tasty-looking”? They all serve the same purpose. They are all ugly..no matter what men may thing. They can be different colors or whatever…but they are still ugly. It’s a dern birth canal! LOL. I’ll admit..the ONLY time I REALLY look down at my own vagina…is if I just got a wax…and I need to inspect the job Lakshmi did…(lol). OR..we got the normal, “lady” issues.

Boobs look better..cupped in a nice bra. (I am speaking for myself). Nipples are strange things. If you got a dark, super large areola..it just looks even worse (lol)

Asses look better in tight jeans or fitted slacks…just giving you the illusion (cause what if you undress that mug and it has train track stretchmarks on it Or worse..looks like Montana Fishburne?? Yeah…that’s what I thought.)

I def am not looking at porn for the private parts. Again…it’s what you do with it.

I dunno…I’m not prude but I am just not overly impressed. And when it comes down to sex..thats fine..I'll look all day long. But..eh..it's just some private parts. So…I guess before you snap a pic of your wang..and send it to me, fellas (which I totally hate..btw…). Think to yourself “Is this a penis I can be proud of?” If not..just save yourself the embarrassment of me gonig “Oh..well..thats nice” or “What a cute LITTLE thing…” or “Are you freaking serious???”

October 7, 2010

Hypothetically Speaking



You are a recent widow after having survived a 15 year mentally and physically abusive marriage.

You have two children. A son, age 15, and daughter three years younger. For pretty much their entire lives they witnessed their father place his hands on their mother. Until one day you woke up and decided enough was enough. The last thing in the world that you ever wanted to do was break up your family. But, on the verge of a nervous breakdown, you could no longer take it.

So, mind made up, you packed your bags, took the kids and hauled ass.

Shortly thereafter your heartbroken husband died in an automobile accident. Drinking while driving, the news reported. His friends and family immediately blamed you for his bout with depression and subsequent  tragic death. Due to not wanting to cause an inevitable scene, you skipped the funeral service, never allowing the children to find any closure.

In fact, neither one of you never spoke with his family members since the day you left.

Everyone says your son reminds them so much of his father. Tall, muscular, extremely short-tempered. In order to derail his aggressive nature, you encouraged him to become involved in sports activities. He obliged. Your daughter is more like you - petite, quiet and reserved. She accepts much anguish before complete breakdown.

Saturday morning, while headed into the kitchen, you overheard what sounds like a confrontation between your son and daughter. You quietly walk up and witness your son intimidating his younger sister. Her head gripped, into a headlock. You scream for him to let her go. He obliges.

Then, while  visibly angered, you ask him how he'd feel if you were to physically abuse him. You warn him, "If you do it again I am going to go upside your head."

Your son stares coldly at you.

Then, in total disbelief, he runs up to you, raises his fist and tells you to go for it.



Question: what would you do if this happened to you?

October 6, 2010

Good Idea, Bad Idea: Relationships




#Good Idea
  • commitment; realizing you are involved in a relationship
  • communication
  • cuddling
  • do what you do when you did what you did 
  • to actually believe in the power of love
  • understanding that all the days won't be perfect
  • take your time and really make love
  • to remember that it's always the little things
  • for the woman to realize that a man is only "one man"
  • for the man to understand that "Superwoman" was a cartoon

#Bad Idea
  • to exit the room once your significant other enters
  • to believe that love alone pays the bills
  • checking phone records, mileage, underwear
  • thinking that farting is funny
  • to remain friends with your ex
  • insecurity; not everyone wants to sleep with your mate
  • overcrowding; fresh air is always good
  • cheating
  • choosing to remain in a bad relationship
  • telling your friends all of your business

October 5, 2010

The Best Part of Breaking Up




Addicted.

So much in fact that I hardly consider the relationship to be a relationship anymore. Why should I? It seems that she and I spend more time apart than we do together.

Although I have no problem with our unconventional act of romance - where it appears that we simply break up to make up. Honestly, I've come to prefer it that way.

Even when I constantly tell anyone still willing to listen. "It's over, this time it's over for good. I don't want to have anything to do with her anymore."

In the back of my mind I realize that, for every minute spent trying to convince myself and others how I no longer feel anything for her, it only enhances each hour eventually spent showing just how much I do. 

Due, in large part, to the understanding that my feelings will be shown in the most intense and passionate manner.

So, again, it doesn't bother me whenever we break up. Ultimately, it's all about the make up. And the sad thing is - I am thoroughly convinced that she knows just as much as I do.

Even when she looks directly into my eyes and scream she hates me. Even when I laugh rather amusingly and inform her that I never loved her. For the most part, I claim to hate the day I laid eyes upon her.

Knowing I'm lying.

Truth be told, I'm not even thinking about the day we met. The only thing on my mind is the moment where she calls and says, "We need to talk. I miss you."

It's those words, the way she says 'em with such strong conviction. Makes me drop whatever I am doing and  go. Even if I am in the middle of something very important and cannot afford to stop.

See, I've come to realize that nothing holds more significance than the incredible amount of passion felt during the hours spent opening our hearts, and pouring undying emotions between the sheets.

It's the way that few words need to be spoken. The hypnotizing look written all over her face, its saddened hunger. Our felt pain. That raw and increased pleasure birthed from the animalistic way that we make up after breaking up.

Hooked. I swear I am.

If there's a cure for this ... I do not want it.

Don't need it.

October 4, 2010

Likes and Dislikes: Sex and the Southern Belle



LIKES
  • a real talk blog, it goes HARD
  • doesn't bite her tongue
  • allowed me to contribute to her blog
  • vlogs
  • blog smells like homemade peach cobbler
  • her sense of humor
  • smart and intelligent dirty south flow
  • sensual poetry
  • her feeling/not feeling posts
  • men can learn things about women, if we choose

DISLIKES
  • sometimes she goes TOO hard i.e. Superhead video
  • feeling like she has to explain herself
  • "with her grown ass"
  • when she doesn't reply to comments
  • makes me wonder if there are any straight brothers left in ATL
  • i am not sure if her readers will feel my brand of blogging
  • donate to the blog feature (hilarious)
  • vibrator giveaways
  • her endless ability to stick a mirror into a man's face
  • on the real, there's nothing i dislike about her blog

October 1, 2010

Penetration: A Poem

Permeates
Penetrates...
Your scent in my nose...
In my sheets.
Engulfing
Inviting
Your scent mingles with mine.
When you lay in my hair
The scent just stays there
And I don’t want to wash it
For fear it will fade away
But indeed…it’s faded.
As soon as I think of the smell
Of you
Only you
My body orgasms
And the pain fades to the background.
My nose buried deep in your neck
Just so I can smell you
No particular cologne
No particular brand of anything
Just your smell
Each one different than the other.
I can’t focus on the taste of you
Or the feel of you
Just the smell of you
More powerful than any kiss
I dont need your physical
Just your ethereal...
But the funny thing is...
I don’t know who you are
The specifics…elusive
I just remember the scent
Penetrating…


Of a man.

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