June 23, 2017

Hello Stranger: My Evolution

I am in a variety of groups on Facebook. Some for fun. Most for shared interest. A few out of sheer boredom

In one of my groups, we were challenged to describe ourselves to a total stranger. I thought long and hard and was like...... hmpf that's tough.😥 I gave a short, cursory answer. But I thought I'd expand it:

I love graphic T-shirts like a 13 year old.. comics...British comedies/dramas...hardcover books... culinary adventures...Kimonos and flats....makeup...natural hair and wigs...Trap music and All things Nina Simone....meditation.... art...a good pair of jeans...photography...crafting to a limit...t..organization and chaos simultaneously..sweet tea....and a cold shot of quality Tequila.

I love being a wife and mother but I am glad it isn't the totality of my life.I miss being my mother's daughter more.... but I am glad to be my daughter's mother. I am spiritual more than religious. I'd rather be in sweats than lingerie most days. I am still learning my body and learning to love it. I still am battling the love of my hair.

I think I'd take Tacos over Soul Food. But I'd take Soul Food over everything else.

I love black people and being black. Black movies featuring black skin. HBCUs vs Everybody. My DNA is important but it also makes me weary.

I love the sound of rain and waves crashing against beaches. But I'd prefer silence a lot of times. I can be without technology but I can't live without it. TV sometimes is more gratifying than a novel... but poetry is the only thing that really feeds me.

Vintage can be a smell and an item. I love perfume but I do not drown in it. I'd rather drown in the smell of someone else. I've fallen in love a few times and in lust more. Only now do I have both.

I'm not an animal person but I love wild things. Wild beings and wild flowers. I am a feminist but I will let a beat override the misogynoir..... but I don't let misogyny override me. Sometimes I am a bad feminist and I do not care.

I am a scholar but I am often lazy. Sometimes I know the answer and just do not feel like explaining. I am sapiosexually attracted to many people in many forms.....

I love football for its beauty and less for its brutality.

I regret a lot yet very little. Most of those regrets are out of my hands. And I give it to God.... and still obsess over it. I obsess over things I just because.

I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up although others expect that I should know.

I am a giver so I have a problem receiving because no one knows how to give to me.

Random I know!

Well.. it's Friday.

June 9, 2017

The Balance: Sex, Sleep, or Spaghetti-Os

**Note: For the duration of the summer (June to August) I have dedicated myself to my writing: personal, professional and academic. Therefore, I will be blogging once a week on Sex and the Southern Belle (personal) Enjoy my  new adventures**


Sometimes, I legitimately forget to sleep. I forget to eat. I forget to kiss my husband and my baby. I forgot about myself.

Over the past few months, the word of the moment has been "balance". How can I balance all these hats on my head? All these irons in the fire? Wife. Mom. Student. Lover. Friend. Employee. So many things. Only 24 hours in the day.

The days are passing...The days when I have Spaghetti-O's all over my clothes.. and all over the baby. The days where my eyebrows go un-waxed and my skin looks dull.  The days where I can catch my newly-walking daughter in my arms and hear her laughing.. the days where my husband spins me around in the kitchen and smacks my non-existent butt.

The nights are shorter. There inst enough time to read bedtime stores. There isn't enough time for spontaneous sex where we try not to wake the baby (who finally went to sleep). Not enough nights to binge watch our favorite shows. with endless bowls of popcorn.... or date nights where we get dressed to the nines. We've had a few.. but far in between.

It's a choice. A struggle. All of these irons in the fire and not knowing what to focus on everyday. Sometimes it sinks you in a hole, that only a good therapist and prayer can get you out of. Sometimes when you feel like all the plates are spinning, one crashes, leaving you without recourse. Where do you turn? Where do you go?

Right now, I am watching my husband sleep. I always fall asleep last in this house.His chest rising and falling effortlessly under the hum of the humidifier and air conditioner. I hear my daughter rustle with the blanket her aunt made and whine a bit...... I go over to comfort her with  firm hand on her back. And she stops. She's at peace and everything is alright.

I often wonder where is that "firm hand" for me. Where is the steady comfort of knowing everything is ok? I guess as a modern woman, the uncertainty is the new normal. I am not seeking perfection.. just balance.

So this summer, I am dedicating myself to just that. Finding the balance. Making time for myself. Making time for the pursuits that make me happy. There is no rush on any of it.

But it is about balance.. and finding joy in the balance....

I think I am definitely getting there.

February 14, 2017

Love More....

*blows all the dust off of this thing*

Happy Valentine's Day 2017!

You know, I truly suck as a blogger. I told myself in 2017 I would at least write one post a MONTH... and well.. here we are in February and I am just now opening this thing. But.. I guess it's never too late to start.  Sometimes I wonder why I even pay for hosting *smh*... I look at my friends like Hilary who consistently blog.. and I am like.. boy.. I am the suckiest blogger ever.

So what have I been up to? Let's see... mothering is #1. My daughter celebrated her first birthday a couple of weeks ago. She went from a 1 lb preemie.... to an 18 lb laughing, giggle-bot who likes milk more than I could ever imagine. I am truly blessed.
(From the NICU to Now... Please visit: www.marchforbabies.org/TeamTeags )

Secondly, I've been trying to get my health on track. After having the baby, blood pressure has been high and I want to ultimately get off of these pills. I bought a gym membership at my job and I try and go 5 days a week after work. My schedule is still nuts (going in w/ my husband who has to be at work at 6 is killing me softly). Am I losing weight? Eh.. it is too soon to tell but at least my doctor is happy with my overall numbers.

As for other goals, I am still trying to figure that out. As I inch closer to 40 (eek!), I still feel like I am not sure what I am doing. Technically, I am still a PhD student but I've lost the fire for obtaining it. I am off track. Since having the baby and the constant barrage of appointments, specialists, and lack of sleep, I haven't had time to ink out my proposal. To be honest, I've written more fiction than I have work on my dissertation. *sigh*. I am not sure what that's about. My job is a safe, boring bet....but I just don't know what my passions are anymore. These days, I am more obsessed with getting my house in order and organizing via Pinterest and Youtube gurus... that seems to bring me much joy. Writing is where my heart is... but I also need to put food on the table.

My personal style blows (I need to retool StilettoBelle.com but in the meantime..visit my Instagram). I buy clothes and shoes I have no clue where or when I am going to wear them. HEck, I don't even know what size I am.  I am a mom. I live in my v-neck t-shirts, cardigans, leggings, booties and jeans. In the house, it is sweats and a tank. BORING.  I'm purging my closet and literally shaking my head at the total waste of clothing.... Hair is drab too. I am itching to cut it into one of those bad ass tapered natural cuts.. but.. my husband puts on fake tears every time I mention it.And then my daughter plays with it, and I too have second thoughts.

As for this blog, it needs retooling and refocusing (I say that each and every year). But, where do I begin? What would you all like to see? I can still talk about sex, mating and dating... I can go a more "spirtual" route. I don't think I can get deeply personal like I did before... but who knows.

I'm rambling...😐

So today is Valentine's Day. I've never made a big deal out of the day because I try and love and show love everyday. And my husband is REALLY good at the little things. I don't know how I got so lucky to get a guy who was already a graduate of Husband School... but he's awesome. In the almost 3 years married..... he never fails at the romance. But now that we have GoGo.... we don't even know what to do. Two years ago we saw Fifty Shades of Grey. Remember our epic review??? Well, we decided we would do it again this weekend.... and I'll record a review featuring HubbyDude.  Stay tuned for that.

In the meantime, love more. And love everyday. Love yourself most of all.

I am still learning that last part.


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