October 19, 2012

Timing ,Love and Aging Parents: Personal Reflections


Warning: I NEVER write about my personal love life. but..I have to get this off my 38 DDs. :)


I'm in love.

For the first time since my divorce, I am completely, head-over-heels in love with someone. It all came so suddenly and fast. Yet it was on time. God's time.  Granted, we did this dance around the whole idea of an "us" for sometime now. Flirting back and forth for almost a YEAR... until we finally said "Let's just go ahead and try it..." And doggone it...it was kismet! . He's my foodie soulmate. He is my football partner. He is my living teddy bear boo. He is the person who I laugh with the most these days.... But....

Love came at the worst time ever.

My mother has been ill for some time now. She had pneumonia which triggered them to look at her heart. They found a clogged artery. Now it appears that after her bypass she will need rehab because she had a stroke during/after surgery. We are unsure. Not sure how long she will be stuck in a rehab facility. Not sure if she will be herself again.

It is believed that she had a stroke post-surgery. Her speech was slurred and her vision is blurred. Her speech has now recovered but she is slow to walk and her vision is still bad. My father and I have to make some tough decisions regarding her after care....My mother is my entire world. My best friend. My everything. She's tiny and fragile but still a trooper through all of this. She has her mind and faculties... Yet when I visited her, she was quiet and pensive. She had sad eyes and a tiny voice. That isn't her.......

But I am glad "he" is here with me.He sent her flowers and he never met my mother. When she did meet him. she acted as though he'd been around forever. When I am sad, he makes me laugh. When I want to get away and just "celebrate Saturday" , he does just that. He kisses me when I am pretending to be asleep. I want to curl into all 6'4 inches of him and inhale him everyday. He smells like after shave and Irish Spring.  I cry and am sad in his arms without judgement. With him I can do no wrong and everything is right..

But I feel so guilty.

Here I am trying to do it all: work and school. and NOW have a meaningful love life. My mother told me "You have one life to live. You can't live mine AND yours". Yet I still feel bad. That is hard to hear...esp when it's a woman who would easily give her own life up for yours.  I am not there to make sure she eats everyday. And sometimes I can't talk long because I am sleepy or have to read. I feel so bad when my beau is here and she calls me. I feel guilty trying to be happy all the while the person who brought me in this world..and brings me joy.... isn't very happy. She is smiling on the outside and just sad and wants to come home on the inside. This is a drain for her. And for me too.

I debated leaving school. I debated taking a leave of absence from work. I debated shutting down this blog. I even debating telling "my love" that maybe we need to back off........and just cool it down. I was even hesitant in planning a  romantic vacation because I didn't want to be away from her.....My father was like.."You cant stop living...." but I feel like I need to at least pause my life.

Honestly,  I do not want to do any of that. My mother also wouldn't want that for me. She'd want me to keep on living..just like she does. She is one tough cookie. That is where I get and draw my strength from. I remember seeing her work and be sick and take care of me...she did it because she had to. I know I'll have to do much of the same as comprehensive exams loom, my relationship flourishes, and my career path changes.

So here I am torn and making life decisions that don't make sense to many people. Parents get old. Love happens. and when the two collide, it can be a mess. I know he loves me, my beau. He's a good guy and I can see something meaningful manifesting itself here.

I know that somehow I will find balance in all of this. And be happy. And blissful

Somehow.
Someway.

Isn't this what I asked God for?

I mean... that's what my mother would want for me, right?

Readers, simply pray for me.

Thx.


Feeling/Not Feeling: Fall Edition


FEELING

  • It is fall time to break out the boots, sweaters
  • I got some cashmere leggings...#WINNING
  • Fall...perfect time to fall in love.
  • I'm in love. Yep...I will only say that once on this blog. And he's amazing.
  • Sometimes love is right under your nose
  • And sometimes the things you put out into the universe, like Bliss, actually happen
  • Time to break out the socks
  • Halloween is coming. Still haven't decided on a costume.
  • Luckily...those costumes can be recycled for uhm.."other" purposes! *cough*
  • my Pinterest addiction is getting out of hand. My "Wedding" board especially.
  • Starbucks double fudge brownie
  • Just 1 more semester of coursework
  • chill weekends..under covers and watching Netflix
  • daydreaming about vacations.I need a cruise. A fruity drink or something...
  • my bootleg Clarisonic face cleaner. It's not Clarisonic but it works just as well
  • Amazon Prime.
  • a man who can cook :) Thank you Jesus! 
  • Miguel's Kaleidoscope Dream
  • Tamia's new album
  • Finding that song that is just "us"
  • Another season of Luther...please hurry BBC!! Idris is so delicious
  • loved. Oh my..he sure does love me...........*giggles* I like the fact that I can say that w/o hesitation and believe again.







NOT FEELING

  • no more wearing short skirts, bare legs,  and short sleeves
  • being that "in between" size.
  • small business like Cocobabies closing. I loved them.
  • Pumpkin everything. Bleh.....Starbucks is killing me right now
  • R. Kelly is becoming rather trite these days
  • Guess Maxwell said F*ck music, huh? smh
  • Where is that D'Angelo album? And the T.I album?
  • going off my diet. It's partly my own depression..partly my honey's fault (LOL), and partly just unmotivated.. Least I'm not gaining weight.............(but I aint losing either)
  • Shitty Mitty aka Mittens aka Mitt the Twit Romney. I'll be glad when this election is over and President Obama can be reelected.
  • The assault of the womb of women in the election. I swear..
  • My PhD is almost over. Here comes the hard part...exams and crap..........
  • FLava Flav getting arrested
  • Tyler Perry in any role other than a coon.
  • Bath Salts...
  • songs that remind me of an ex...are forever ruined because of that connection.
  • that I missed my friends so much. They are so far (DC/NYC/TX.....)
  • ugh..when WILL I be able to take a vacation??
  • this mid-semester slump. I am just angry and sad and a bunch of things
  • feeling like I fell in love at the WRONG time w/ the right person...so much is happening. school. work. my personal (family) life. All going to hell real fast.
  • my mother is sick. I am sad. I'm just depressed about it.
  • feeling helpless.
  • the comprehensive exam process. I fear failure........
  • I am so neglecting this blog. I am sorry readers. Life happens

October 10, 2012

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