July 27, 2012

Feeling/Not Feeling: The Audiophile Files


  • Maxwell is my fav singer of all time. Period. Point blank.
  • What is it about Al Green that makes me wanna make me have a baby? Well..at least make a baby? I mean he just does something to me........
  • John Legend is def in my top 5 singers of all time
  • Anthony Hamilton is up in there too...
  • And D'Angelo! I am so excited about his new album
  • Tweet needs to drop a new one...
  • I"m glad I got to see Sade in concert..who knows when she'll tour again...
  • Sometimes..I bump a whole day full of "trap music".........and enjoys it. It makes me wish I had a big ass and worked at Magic City......but oh well.
  • Speaking of which..T.I needs to drop that album,
  • I'm also looking forward to the 2 CHainz. Secretly..he's my "hood baby daddy" although truth be told..dude isn't hood at all. He has a college degree, went on a B-ball scholarship and graduated with a 4.0. WTF... 
  • I do find musicians who went to college VERY sexy (I.e. Ryan Leslie....he needs to drop an album too
  • My wedding CD still jams. I still listen to it.........despite the pain associated with it.
  • I like The Weeknd yet despise The Dream when essentially...they sound the same. smh. Although The Weeknd has much better production value.
  • Instagram: OK..this really has nothing to do w/ music..but I like Instagram...then again....it does let me get a peek into the personal lives of some of my fav musicians w/o being mad invasive. I think that's cool.
  • Mayer Hawthorne is so fine to me. He can get it w/ his geeky looking self. LOL.
  • I want to hear this Elle Varner
  • Adele is doing her.........and I am happy for her. :)
  • I love musicals..so I can't wait for Sparkle. Gonna def add that to the DVD collection.
  • Say what you want about R. Kelly..no one makes a "sexual soundtrack like him"
  • Frank Ocean is still everything.........seriously.
  • Jazz does a soul some good.
  • My fav jazz singers: Jon Lucien (although he is more carib-jazz fusion), Nina Simone, Sarah Vaughn, Carmen McCrae, Billy Eckstein ....so many. so many to name. I love Jazz as a genre the most I think
  • Im thankful I grew up in a house with a great appreciation for music
  • I also most times...either have a soundtrack playing in my "head"..or an actual soundtrack going on...when "sexy time" goes down. I like music............. I Love music that much


  • I am super depressed Maxwell's concert for summer was cancelled due to his throat issues. Poor thing. He needs to get better...instead of running around w/ fake ass Basketball Wives. smh Dude drop an ALBUM...*rolls eyes*
  • I do not look like Ledisi. I do love her though. and we have the same birthday..but uhm...no..I do not like being compared looks wise. Imma be real..I'm prettier. 
  • I also get told I look like Lalah Hathaway which is cool but..I'm me though.
  • I can't stand Jaheim. Dont ask me why........I just dont.
  • that I am missing a lot of concerts. I missed Frank Ocean at Center Stage...that blows.
  • I am not here for rappers w/ no substance. I am not here for most hip hope these days anyway...
  • that I am going to have to buy a new Ipod. This one is almost full. and it was a 32 GB. smh..so sad. LMAO! now I need a 64. That'll have to be my Christmas present.........
  • I can never keep up with who is hot..or who is out........I guess I just gravitate toward what I like
  • That last Usher album was so wack to me...... ugh
  • I need Jazmine Sullivan to make her return too.......yet again if she comes w/ crap she made this last time she can stay ghost
  • L. Boogie in the big house. Maybe she'll refocus and get her life together........smh
  • I do not have enough Reggae in my repertoire. Then again...it always reminds me of my "muse"...and that hurts..........ugh. enough of that.
  • I miss that crazy Amy Winehouse........she just had 2 albums.........that is real impact
  • I miss Whitney too
  • India.Arie is BS-ing on her new album too Chick..get with it.........smh
  • IN the divorce..my ex took some of my albums. I am pretty sure he did. I have searched high and low for my Tweet albums and they are GHOST
  • Brian McKnight has lost his ever loving mind......... smh
  • soft singers
  • My workout playlist needs more adds. It really does........
  • Light Skinned rapper/singer beef. Go sit down somewhere.........and be light skinned (LOL..jokes)
  • I wish I could get into country music. Just a few artist I dig......and I am usually pretty diverse.

July 26, 2012

Tumblr and the Kid........:)

(Hello Darren Sharper.........yummmy!)

If you didn't know.......in addition to two Blogger blogs.... I have a Tumblr too.

If you also didn't know.............I have a dimple fetish. (along with a beard fetish but.......whatever. I can have more than one).

SO follow me on Tumblr....my spot dedicated to black men with Dimples :)

Enjoy :)

July 25, 2012

Ask the Mocha Peach: Toys II (well 4) Men.... A Review

In our latest installment of Ask The MochaPeach, we answer questions about men and sex toys, brought to you by adult novelty shop Adam and Eve.

Dear The Mocha Peach:

My husband and I are very adventurous in the bedroom. We use all types of toys and aids, But we are looking for toys that he can use, both together and solo. You see, I travel a lot for work...and sometimes I know he gets  lonely....so I want him to use some toys with his porn. Not to mention, we want some toys we can use together when I return from those long trips. He's very open to the idea but we have no idea where to start.  Have any ideas?


Need Toys for my Man


Dear "Need Toys for my Man":

Well my dear, I am glad you asked me questions about sex toys for your  husband. I am glad he is open and receptive to using toys (and kudos to him for wanting to use them when his sweetpea is away  on business...awww!).

Although I do not review many ale sex toys, I assure you I have used some in my adventures in toyland with a partner and I have former partners (ok..well, really, ONE partner) who swear by certain toys. So here are a few options that I'd love for you your hubby to try solo (or together)

First...for your husband:

1) The Fleshlight ($69.99 on Adam and Eve)

This might be the most popular male masturbator. Shaped like, well, a flashlight, this masturbatory sleeve is shaped to mimic the female vaginal  (or anal cavity). Combined with a great water-based lubricant, this thing really does the job.  It is rather heavy, though. But it is rather efficient.

2) BellaDonna Pocket Pussy ($19.99)

Molded to recreate the porn star BellaDonna's actual vagina, the pocket pussy is very cost effective, small, malleable, and does the same job that the more rigid FleshLight does.  It is also much easier to clean because it is so soft and flexible.

3) Doggie Style Debbie Masturbator ($49.95)

ALthough this doesn't come in brown (and we all know brothers love brown, mounds of booty), this is a fun masturbatory toy. I know..it looks a bit intimidating to actually fuck half a dummy from the back, but it is an affordable UR3 "skin" masturbatory aide. (and much cheaper than say a $8000 RealDoll).  Not to mention, it isn't that big. Just 5.5 inches long and 6" wide. Hubby gets to grip VERY tightly and hold some butt, while imagining it's you from the back. A guy friend of mine owns one and loves it.... Your hubby might love it.

 And now for toys you can use together....

1) Senso Sleeves: $14.95

These are super cool. They are jelly sleeves that slip over your man's penis. They basically turn his penis into a living, breathing vibrator. The silicone warms to the touch and the nubs stimulate the clitoris. It's pretty awesome..

2) Menage' aTrois DP Strap On ($34.99)

If you are as brave and adventurous as you  claim to be, then you will love the  Menage a Trois DP strap on. Now, this isn't a toy meant to intimidate or belittle your mate. Oh no , this is all for your pleasure. He straps it on while he is inside you...in uhm.."Two" places. This is save sex at its finest. No need for an actual menage'! He has a strap on he can use....(or you can use on him........we don't cast any judgement over here!)

3) Head Gear BJ Strap $14.95

This soft, faux leather strap allows the man to guide your head and control the tempo of his blow jobs. He can go faster or slower, and control your head. It's actually very fun...(er..uhm...so I heard....LOL). You can also use this in other places...around the waist...guiding you while you ride.

You can find all these wonderful toys at world famous adult novelty store Adam and Eve


Disclosure: This review was brought to you by Adam and Eve. All opinions are my own :)

Wordless Wednesday..... Sorta

July 20, 2012

Feeling/ Not Feeling: Midsummer Nights


  • Beautiful in simple, summery outfits.
  • My hair has naturally changed colors.
  • All the funky styles I've been doing with my Locs
  • All things Idris Elba.
  • Finding me a hot white boy like Channing Tatum to dance to Ginuwine's "Pony".
  • White super high thread count sheets
  • Tweet still goes hard
  • Frank Ocean is everything
  • The book I just read . The Surrendered Single. It truly changed how I view relationships.
  • That being said, I'm much more relaxed and in the flow of life.
  • flowers just because.....
  • Low country boils. Yummmmy!
  • my ideal date: take me to the park, eat ice cream and talk.....so simple.
  • I'm bulking up weight wise.
  • Loehmann's. I LOVE that store.
  • Surprising one of my closest friends :) I sent her a bomb foodie package if I do say so myself: spicesm cooking stuff. So fun. She tells me all the stuff she makes! LOL
  • I like thoughtful gifts... :)
  • Men who aren't afraid I show emotions.
  • Glad I have an idea of what my dissertation will focus on.
  • Planned and thoughtful dates.
  • Glad to be writing again,
  • Food trucks and food festivals. Anything involving food really.
  • Iyanla Vanzant's new OWN show. I LOVE Iyanla
  • A man who can pick me up. No strong or easy feat cause I'm not skinny! Lmao!
  • Juicy Couture Bags :Still love them
  • Joe's Jeans: REALLY still in love with them
  • Michael Kors Watches...I want one.
  • Subaru cars. Dont ask..but I really do like them.........I was looking at one for purchase eventually. I also like Kia Souls and Nissan Jukes. I like crossover vehicles... I just want it to be black on black on black. LOL
  • sex in high heels.....yep! (LOL)
  • My friends are crazy. I would name you all by name..but you all KNOW why you are crazy..and I love you anyway.
  • dates dont have to be pricey. Take a look at this website There really is NO EXCUSE!
  • the blog is going to shift focus really soon..........stay tuned.


  • So men are still "claiming" women w/o any discussion? That is so 7th grade. this how relationships go? You go on a few raggedy basic ass dates? Fuck a few times and now you go together?? Niggas on bath salts!!
  • Steve Harvey has a talk show coming out...but why?
  • WHY will there be a "Think like a Man" #2?? POINTLESS
  • Speaking of which... I do not understand the use bath salts. I wants no part if you are eating dogs and people's faces off when you use it.
  • I also don't understand synthetic weed. Uhm.. Just smoke real weed.
  • I HATE love and hip hop: ATL..yet I watch. smh...madness
  • I actually met a hot white boy who was a dead ringer for Channing Tatum but he was a swinger .. No bueno!! Lol
  • This weather will not moderate itself. I want it to be 70 all year long.
  • How much I miss "him". I fell ago hard and loved it. If he asked me back.. Of course id probably say yes. No.. I can't say that truly and believe it.
  • The best thing about being married..........is sexing w/o a rubber. BUT...I refuse to go sans rubbermatics though. LOL
  • Boob sweat. Gross.
  • being an aggressor in a relationship. I dont like being that girl.
  • I need to get my life together re: this car situation. *sigh*.........pray for me Saints! LOL
  • That always complaining single friend. The one who thinks no man is fine enough.
  • text messages make everything so confusing...just call me! Ugh!
  • I might be crazy for being so into wedding dresses. Saw one I wanted. But no man in sight lmao!
  • Why doesn't H+M have an online component? I would rather shop online! Ugh..ok whatever. LOL
  • I got a strong back. Lmao! All these weights ...imma look like She-Ra soon.
  • My thighs are too meaty for shorts :( I love shorts but I look crazy in them.
  • Tom Cruise and Katie....nope..dont care about that either. Tom seems looney anyway...
  • For the record. I do not look like Ledisi. Just because I have my hair up! No way!
  • I really do not care if Blue Ivy looks like Beyonce or Jay Z..........LOL. 
  • Nosey bastards. Someone keeps sending anonymous messages asking if I have a man because of the poems I wrote. Uhmmmm.. We don't talk about two things on here: my job and my love life. ESP specifics on who I am dating.
  • Disturbed that the gyno kept saying I had a "good looking uterus " who says that?
  • George Zimmerman is a nutjob
  • So is Juanita Bynum. Who cares if you slept with women? *shrug*
  • Bored with fashion right now...........Oh well. 
  • people asking me about my ex husband. I could give a fuck what he does...if he's alive...or living or eating or breathing. Not that I dislike or hate him.........but I got my own life to live.
  • Men coming out the woodworks...It irks my soul.
  • Dust collection on clothes and shoes
  • Im sick of dieting and working out and it don't

July 19, 2012

Thursday Tunes: Tweet "Always Will"

One of the most underrated r&b singers of our generation, Charlene "Tweet" Keys, from Rochester, NY,  is a powerhouse vocalist and talented songwriter. She burst onto the scene with her debut album "Southern Hummingbird  (2002) and to this day, it's one of few albums I can play all the way through w/ o skipping a track.

It was lead by the sexually charged missy Elliott produced ode to masturbation "Ooops, oh my". While that was definitely a banger, the ballads on the album were the selling point for me.

"Always Will" is my absolute favorite from the album. About an undying love and a self-assured woman who KNOWS that this man will love her forever, Tweet sings it so effortlessly. (I believe she also played guitar on this track too..audiophiles can correct me if I am wrong)

My Favorite Lyrics:
We're inseparable
Cause your soul's with mine
And you've, you've been loving me so long
And I bet you always will

We could be on separate planets
Mars and Venus, heart to heart
No spaces between us
Cause you know, hearts don't lie
I can stay here inside in this here city
And you go sail here across the ocean
I bet you always will


I think I might have played this song after every single failed "relationship" I've had. (LOL)...

That is the testament of a great song. Timeless.........

Tweet is awesome. I look forward to her new work...I heard she's dropping something really soon....

July 17, 2012

U/s: A poem

Do you remember?
How we used to stay up all night texting and calling about nothing
Running lines of poetry together like it was our natural speaking voices
Something out of Bronte or Sanchez
It was us....

Remember how you had pet names for my pussy... Sight unseen
You knew she was sweet before you even had a taste
and when you did
You said she gave you a toothache
You said the aching hasn't stopped
Just moved to a dull fire in your belly
I remember that

Yo.. How you gonna tell me about all the things you wanted to show me
Special brews and spells you wanted to cast. Old vinyl you wanted to play
As you bent me over mud cloth pillows
Teasing and stroking
Slow dancing to the music in our heads
How you gonna promise me that?
But it was so you
It was us...

Modern machinery archives old messages between us
Cute flirtations that melted into heat
Made me giggle like my inner 12 year old
FaceTime led to face time where we couldn't face time...
I swear.. If you woulda told me to run away with you, i woulda said yes.
Nothing to lose
Everything to gain.
I'd gain you
We'd gain us.

I wanted make a meal of your dimples and drink it down with your smile
Leaving your fragrance in my Locs
Shit.. I was trying to get pregnant by you.
Perhaps not with physical being but maybe with metaphorical atmospheres.
Didn't you want that?
For. Us?

I wanted to fry you chicken butt naked in an apron
Cause you'd appreciate that shit
Let you bend me over the kitchen counter to say "thank you"
Over and over
Breaking dishes you'd promise to replace but
Probably wouldn't
Funny.. That was so us.
Well.. Coulda been us.

I lied to you. I said I was falling for you. And truth is.. I loved you.
Fuck it.. I still do.
And even if I had another man I'd leave him for you.
On everything I would
He's no you
And we are no us

Been substituting sex for intimacy
Compartmentalizing my emotions
Because it's easier this way
He doesn't know the depths of me
Vocabulary of love
The curve of my smile
Or how wet I can truly be
Because he and i can never
Like we were.
Be an us.

Alphabetical mathematically
Astrologically made sense
Speaking in metaphysical binary code
Dick could speak Morse code
Tapping into wavelengths and dimensions
You coulda told me Jesus was blue
And the sky was green
And I'd believe you
Because you and I
Were the truth

So let us
Be us
All over again.

July 12, 2012

Thursday Tunes: Frank Ocean performs "Bad Religion" on Jimmy Fallon

 Frank Ocean is dope.


What a brave soul...as an instrumental person in the fusion of R&B and Hip-Hop with a dash of pop, lending his pipes and writing to Jay Z, Kanye and a host of other people. He was featured on a few songs on "Watch the Throne"....but his internet release mixtape "Nostaliga, Ultra" is what really made me fall in love with him.. A Native of New Orleans, his voice just paralyzes me.... Singer, Songwriter and part of the hip-hop alternative collective of "Odd Future" ...he is a force to be reckoned with.

He reminds me of a new-age Stevie Wonder or something.....his voice..his passion. I last featured him on the blog with the song "Thinkin Bout You"...but now he has his first major label release, just a week after he "came out" (or rather, explained.....) that he had been previously in a homosexual relationship. Who cares, right?  Apprently some in the hip-hop community and some narrow mnded people do..but overall there has been nothing but an outpouring of support. Even Beyonce had a post dedicated to him on her blog/Tumblr. I swear..homophobia and the black community prob deserves it's own post. But not today....today we celebrate Christopher Breaux aka Frank Ocean....

His performance of "Bad Religion" on Jimmy Fallon earlier this week (with the Roots as background as well as the strings...my god...the STRINGS....*faint*) was so perfect. Superb. Brilliant even. In the song, he talks about unrequited love......of a man. Man..that has to hurt...to feel passion for someone (no matter the sex) and who won't return the love....and can't return or...or can't articulate it out of fear....or whatever...

Despite your orientation..we have all been there right?? Shoot...I might be there now.......*sigh*
No words. Clearly "Channel Orange" is about to be a super influential album. I smell Grammy.....

Frank Ocean is dope.


July 10, 2012

Frieda and Diego: A Poem in Progress

We paint poetry
with pussy and penis
wet acrylics of lust
on a canvas of this bed

Release me.....
spread me eagle across this place
until i break and shatter into fragments
Release me...

We paint poetry
with tongues and fingers
dipped into the pool of drowning
of confusion
that blurs into rainbows and nirvana

We paint poetry
with lies and forgiveness
with uncompromising lust and madness
You won't let me go
And I wont let you own me
But I never move an inch.

We paint poetry
with bubbles and bath water
you drink me in..inhale me in one fail gulp
panties in your teeth.
catch my pubic hair
 and tug and I scream

Release me..
until my torment becomes your anguish
until my orgasms turn into gasoline-laced screams
you set me on fire...
but release me

We paint poetry
Like Frieda and Diego
Beautifully tragic together
and senseless apart
volatile beauty broken by moments of time
You were mine..and I yours

We paint poetry
like abstract realism and impressionist cubism
some made up movements
because that is who we are
made up pixels of light

Long gone...
Our movement is finished
but you are still my muse
You torture my space
void filled by desire and
exercises in futility

Why won't you release me?

July 6, 2012

Feeling/Not Feeling: Random Friday


  • like a hopeless romantic
  • like buying a jumpsuit (random)
  • like watching some porn. cause my friend @ThePrissyMommy reminded me I haven't done a "Weekly Porn Review" in ages. But since I've made a personal vow to not watch any, I havent had any to review. Maybe that'll change.
  • like I need a hobby
  • that Frank Ocean is the bravest dude I know. and I LOVE him. 
  • D"angelo's Return
  • The BET awards wasn't so rachet this year which is good
  • ..Frankie Beverly and Maze got honored on the show which is nice.
  • deep down I know good, attractive men exist. I dont subscribe to male bashing for that reason. Sure..I get frustrated but bashing ain't my style.
  • I gotta get another tattoo
  • perhaps I need to "sell myself" and advertise all the qualities I have. Like a want ad.....for dating. (I am reading this book called The Surrendered Single and they suggest you "advertise" that you are single to friends, family, social networks, etc.. I am so shy...I don't know but hey.........I am single. I am available for dates and proper courting. LOL........*bats eyelashes*.)


  • sharing how I am feeling with most of my friends. Deep inside, I just am exhausted. and quite honestly, I don't want to talk.
  • like a hopeless romantic. I feel like Charlotte:  "I've been dating since I was 16...where is he???"
  • wearing my heart on my sleeve like the true Aries I am...doesn't really help
  • Maxwell's concert was cancelled. I am sad. My summer is over basically.....
  • I miss my girls.
  • If you are anti-relationship...how can you give relationship advice??? I mean..................*blinks* whatever. I don't believe a word you have to say, patna!
  • I miss being loved and being in love. Oh I am loved.....but......anyway.....maybe guys..nevermind...
  • adored. And I KNOW and we know my thoughts on that. I'm worth the adoration
  • like a I have a good, platonic guy friend to bounce things off of. I seriously do not have one guy friend who hasn't tried me......(.well...except my gay boyfriends :)
  • most of the music that is out
  • like I have control.
  • like I'm not a real black person cause I've never been to Essence Fest and I wanna go
  • like heading back in the school groove..but it has to happen....*sigh*
  • like working out everyday, all day is working. I am tired. It's easier to be fat (LOL)
  • like I'm just a bother. I recall talking to some friends about something and they cut the convo short. Fine...*smh* LOL.
  • I deserve more than what has been presented to me. Seriously....
  • that I want a vacation yet have nowhere to go...and I am not going solo again
  • ..like i have no more tears left in my tear ducts. Seriously......
  •  like I need a reason to smile. I havent had a gut busting laugh or smiled super hard in a really long time. I want my smile back :)

July 5, 2012

Thursday Tunes: Angela Bofill.... I Try

I just so happened to catch the latest episode of Unsung and it featured the Afro-Cuban beauty which was/is Angela Bofill. Born in the Bronx to a Cuban father and Afro-Puerto Rican mother, she  was one of the first Latina singers to find success in the R&B world in the 1970s.  My mother used to play this song all the time. No doubt, I think she gravitated toward the sad and tragic singers for reasons deeper than I could ever know... and she passed the musical gene on to me I guess :)

Sadly, Angela Bofill has experienced two strokes and no longer can sing like she used to. But that deep, melodic contralto voice is quite haunting.  She had many hits like "This time I'll be Sweeter" and "I'm on your Side"..but "I Try" is most definitely my favorite. She said she wrote it when she was 17 and experienced her first heartbreak..but this song is timeless. Every girl (and guy) can relate to it.

My fav lyrics...hell...it's the entire song:

I try to do
The best I can for you
But it seems it's not enough
And you know I care,
Even when you're not there.
But it not what you want.

You close your door,
when I wanna give you more.
And I feel, I feel so out of place.
And you know it's true,
Don't you think I'm, good enough for you.

Can't you see,
That you're hurting me,
And I want, I want this pain to stop.
So if you really care,
I mean if you really, really care,
Then open up your heart to me.
Open up to meeee....

You know that I tried to be with you.
You know that I wanted to see it through.
You know that I needed to make you mine.
It was only a matter of time.

You know that I tried to be with you.
You know that I wanted to make it through.
You know that I needed to make you mine.
It was just a matter of time.

You know that I tried to be with you.
You know that I wanted to see it through.
You know that I needed to make you mine.
It was just a matter of time.

I played the song the other night. And cried like it was no tomorrow. Feeling like you aren't good enough...feeling like all you do will never be enough..... Good music will do that to you. Speak tp you in the exact moment you need it....

July 3, 2012

Ustulation: A Poem

I've tried to let this die
To let the ambers turn to gray ash
But it wont let me
Oxygen that you breath into me
Let's it live on.
Why do this to me so?

I touch myself  trying to touch the depths of my soul
But I can only get so far
My body bursts opens with tears
because it's my only response
Why do you do this to me?

My life is incomplete without you
Though they tell me I shouldn't say these things
"Weak" is what they pen me
Strong black women shouldn't say such things...
But nothing about this weakens me
Why....why do you do this to me?

It is 106 outside..
The AC humming and the low, melodic whirl of a ceiling fan
Yet I am on fire
lying here on these sheets...
Why do you do this to me?

I cant eat or sleep
I want to consume you for both
I want to stay naked
Just in case so you can clothe me
Why oh why do you do this to me?

I want to feel chocolate flesh on flesh
Dark hands grip ample hips
Massaging mounds of firmness
Sweat upon sweat
causing an inferno
Why, baby, do you do this to.....me....?

Your teeth sink in..into parts of me..
Shoulders...toes..the heel of my foot as it rests on your chest
Marking your territory...
Why do you do this to me?

I need this to stop
my compulsion for you
with the shakes like a junkie
I want to get high on your love

Hands cup breasts as you sink into me
Sweat slips between fingers
with each thrust and push...
Beyond inside of me
I want you to penetrate my soul
Why, darling, do you do this to me?

But...you don't do enough

You can do so much more
than entice my body
and fill my mind with lust...
It's not enough
But why.....do you?

Just do it to me...

July 2, 2012

Living with #NoShame: My Story

When I was 20...I tried to commit suicide.

It was exactly 3 months before my 21st birthday. I should have been excited to turn 21. But...I wasn't. My life was an absolute wreck. I was taking a full load of classes. I was trying joining a sorority, which presented its own set of drama and mayhem, and on top of that, I had a boyfriend who was a master manipulator. I wouldn't say he was "abusive" in that sense of the word...but what I will say was nothing I did was ever good enough, I never spent enough time with him, and I never seemed to please him  I hated being where I was in life. I played the same CD's over and over. I read too much Sylvia Plath. My weight, a constant struggle, went up and down because of binge eating or not eating at all. My mother and I, despite our good relationship, were fighting much more often because I could not stand what I was seeing at home between her and my Father. And although she was right, I chose to ignore her advice. I felt I didn't belong anywhere: not in college, not in my sorority, not in my family, not in my relationship...

I had to escape.

On December 28th, 2000 I took lots of  asprin, and just waited, then I started to convulse and vomit. My mother called my brother..and we went to the hospital. They pumped my stomach with charcoal.  I cried and cried.  They kept me on a 72 hr hold.

My mother was a panic. My brother cried. My father was angry, more concerned, as usual with the cost of this hospital visit than how I was. The boyfriend at the time came to see me and was more concerned about himself than my health. I was in a room with a lady who apparently heard voices. I didn't eat anything. And the medicine they gave me (I learned after the fact was Prozac), made me feel sicker.

 At the time, I refused to go see a therapist. I refused to take medicine. I just refused anything.....and a few weeks later..I was back in class..as if nothing had happened. Instead of being depressed, I threw myself into everything I could. And no one knew anything. Eventually, those suicidal feelings subsided and I coasted through college, graduate school, and eventually life as an "adult" relatively unburdened by that trampling feeling of sadness.

Or so I thought....

Fast forward to early 2008, and with the compounding pressures of a divorce, finding out my husband had been unfaithful numerous times, finances and weight ballooning, and threatening to lose it all, I contemplated taking that route again.. I felt alone. I felt lost. I had pills. I had alcohol. I had access to fire arms. I knew it was bad when I thought about jumping in front of a train platform one morning heading to work. But the turning point was when I sat in a bathtub, fully clothed, drinking red wine from the bottle, water running, hoping I would get so drunk I'd drown. Luckily, my then husband caught me.. At the time I cursed him out, but that is when I knew I had to get help. I sought a counselor....that helped me with these issues, prescribed me a small level anti-depressants, and helped me form the courage to seek healthier alternatives than committing suicide. I was diagnosed with episodic depression and although I knew the difference between "chronic" and episodic, I knew having a name for it made me feel a lot better.I was able to pinpoint this via therapy, that I had experience episodic depression throughout the years, beginning in my early teens. I just thought I had "sadness", not depression.. I told my husband at the time they put me on a small dose of anti-depressants. And he frowned. He was mr psuedo-holistic-black-nationalist-fake-Rasta dude. When we got into an argument once, he said, "You're the crazy one! You're the one on the pills".... 

When he said that, I knew the end was near.

Getting my depression under control, I believe, gave me the courage to leave a dead marriage, to start my life over, and to embraces a new me. I'd rather be sane and whole and medicated...than dead metaphorically.

I say all this to say that mental issues are nothing to be ashamed of, especially in the African-American community. People kept telling me to "pray" or that "it will get better" or to just "buy myself something nice" or even "just get a new man". But all the money, prayer, clothes and men couldn't resolve what I knew was fundamentally wrong with me: I was sad. I was not well. I needed help beyond material or even metaphysical. I encourage counseling. I seek it from time to time when I know the road is rocky.I would encourage anyone to get help .

At first...I said I would never speak about this...But today I tell my story. Today is National No Shame day...and I live to tell.........

I want to thank poet/writer/all around dope Bassey Ikpi,the Siwe Project and the #NoShame Twitter campaign for giving me the courage to help someone with this post.

Be encouraged...life is worth and FOR living :)


Please visit The Siwe Project’s website to share your story  or read the stories of others who have experience mental health issues.  You can also tweet The Siwe Project at @thesiweproject on twitter with the hashtag #NoShame.


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