Sex and The Southern Belle

The following is from one of my FAVORITE movies of all time..... Love and Other Disasters. If you ever get a chance...Netflix it.

My girlfriend/sorority sister/legal eagle, Y, sent me a link to a New York Times article about the Huffington Posts new section totally dedicated to DIVORCE. - a section that has dating information, info on blended families, and even the effects of divorce (and of course..celebrity divorce gossip).  It's actually quite resourceful.  Even noted author Nora Ephron, known for her cheerful, happy books, is also a contributor to the section.  I thought to myself..wow..Divorce is PROFITABLE! Gosh...perhaps my decision to be a blog about "life after divorce" wasn't such a bad idea. Well...Huffington Post's new section...wasnt an instant hit. It sent the blogosphere into an uproar, particularly with those dear, old (and often delusional) Mommy Bloggers (most of whom are SAHM's who think Divorce just will NOT HAPPEN to them). They called Nora Ephron (who is a contributor to the section) crazy for finding humor in divorce. Women took it so far to say Ephron was doing ...

If you’ve caught up with my blog, you’ll recall my post on Mr. Comb-Over . When we last left our adventures on the public transporation, I was going to ask Mr. Comb-Over his name but we got distracted by the crazy homeless man spewing foolishness about Mexicans and white people… Anyway….this brings us to yesterday. Mondays I work quite late. So I don’t get off until an hour after my normal time. I made it downtown and I thought to myself…I probably won’t even see Mr. Comb-over! Oh well….(This has also become a marker of what TIME it is when I see him..so I know when I’ll get home…so he’s a virtual clock. LOL) I am walking down the steps and I walk past the crowd and stand in my usual spot on the platform. I was reading my book for class (which I still don’t understand). All of a sudden..I look to my left and he’s there…I heard him on the phone saying “I called to speak to you, Mama…aren’t you the greatest Mama in the world?” Oh gosh! He’s a mama’s boy..Aww…that’s sweet (lol). So I so...

a.k.a. “A Tale of  ( and Letter to) Two Talkers”  The Dingbat Slugger Men, too, can have a case of the “ditzy blonde”.  They talk in circles about pretty much nothing.. If you try and talk about current events, they give you the blank face. And sometimes…we need an exposed penis to be distracted from your lazy, boring , uneventful everyday convo.  That dizty, dingbat is YOU good sir. Sometimes I just wanna duck tape you, dude and have you just do the mechanics- naked, wanting, and with a big, thick Louisville Slugger staff. In any other situation, you’d bore me otherwise.  On dates you just sit there stuffing your face or talking about YOURSELF, cutting me off and talking in circles. And if your joint wasn’t so banging, I would have gotten rid of you a long time ago. So for our sake and the sake of orgasms, just STFU. Furthermore, you notice that I don’t call you until I want some(thing). I used to get mad that all you wanted to do was text but n...

If you all follow me on Twitte r, you know that I often tweet about my adventures on our  local public transportation . Sometimes, I'll even sneak a Twitpic here or there for some comedy. So much ignorance occurs on the train.. Recently, I've had a series of tweets about a guy with a serious Minister Farrakhan Comb-Over.... Yes..his hair is wavy...like Farrakhan..and parted on the side like Booker T. Washington....yet the man has a HOLE in the top of his natural. Sorta like the good minister himself.... ( God bless the Hon. Minister..but his hair has just GOT to go...let it go, Brother Minister!!)  As a matter of fact...I talked about dude on one of my earlier blogs about " accountability " and really fucked up hairlines. Someone is cutting this man's hair..taking his money..and LYING to him. The edge up and neck line stays fresh! Anyway... The man is VERY attractive.  Caramel colored. Great smile. He may be in his late 30s/early 40s. Dresses sharp...no w...

Quite honestly, and this may come as a shock to you all, I dislike private parts. ALL private parts… Men and women (but especially men) love themselves some private parts. Other women’s private parts…their own…they have no shame in showing them off. How many women know men who just freely snap a pic of their isht to send it to ANY woman? *smh*…Just proud of your Zulu staff! . What’s so special about a penis..other than the function it has? It’s just not attractive. No wonder old folks called it the “one eyed snake”…. If you’ve seen one penis (size and girth aside)…you’ve seen them all. Snipped or unsnipped. Your isht ain’t special. It’s downright oogly. I mean granted..if you see something you like…(size or girth wise)..you may raise an eyebrow and be pleased. BUT..it certainly isn’t because the penis is a good looking organ (what organ is good looking??? None!) If you are light skinned and your joint looks like Wesley Snipes..that just ugly. IF you are dark skinned..and you h...

Ahh yes...Today's Hall of Fame game marks the beginning of football season! It's Pre-Season! For men..this is almost as good as Christmas! It's sooo awesome! As a chick who loves football, I'm just as excited! I'm ready for my game day snacks (and gaining 50 more lbs)...jumping up and down...and hoping that the Falcons backfield will give Matt Ryan some room and our offense steps up! I got my lucky Falcons hat out...and I am good to go (and I only cheat on my Falcons w/ The Steelers and those fine ass Troy Polamalu and Hines Ward) Am I speaking a foriegn language to you, ladies? Looka here.....Ladies..if you do not like football, as I have wisely advised, please STFU and provide (or order if your microwaving ass cant cook) the snacks to your fella (and/or his friends)..OR Learn the game. OR learn to "perform"  a little mic check during halftime. This may garner you happiness and/or a Little Blue Box. That is all... Men dont ask for much. They love ...

...for this. WARNING: This is about to be the most conceited post in blog history. I got these awesome set of 38 DD"s sitting up here. I'm 31..and they are STILL PERKY! (lol).  I am not too big. Not too skinny. Well..I'm thickums..but I'm thick in most of the right places. Thick in the thighs..Pretty on the eyes!!! I have near flawless Mocha-colored skin. One time..a man told me I looked like "chocolate with bits of gold in it" (which is the best compliment I've ever had). I wear my makeup with the precision of Rembrandt...yet I dont look painted on. When I have the cash..I make sure my feet and hands are done. I have a face full of almond shaped eyes...the perfect pout and straight white teeth. And these cheekbones! My goodness! People pay good money for these! I have a laugh that is infectious and I have a sweet, Southern drawl. My breath is never funky (if so..I try to rectify ASAP). My locs are always freshly done, scalp oiled and smell heavenly....

I am not sure if any of you saw the recent Boondocks where they spoofed prison culture and gayness. Well....if you haven't...here is a little clip of where they got their inspiration from. Fleece Johnson...the Booty Warrior... So yeah...Fleece is a little crazy..but we are about to roll with thiis for a minute. I am about to take the "Fleece Johnson" no holds barred approach to dating. If I see a dude it's going down  like this: I likes ya I wants ya We can do this the easy way Or the hard way....your choice. Now..Fleece might be talking about gay men and booty warrior and "hornin". But..I'm talking about taking the same approach to men. If I see a dude I want..I WANT HIM. Imma have him. We can play games and bullshit and do it the hard way...OR we can do it the easy way...you give in to me and my desires (and yours)..and be happy. Which would you rather have? Would you rather have to do dumb sh*t to work for a good woman? Or take an easy approach with t...

Time: About 10 am yesterday Place: My office, working on a sh*tload of files Scene: I am engrossed in my work..and of course..my cell goes off Texter: Good Morning. Not trying to bug you are upset you. Just didn't get an answer to the last one. ***pause* for a good 20 minutes...I finally respond*** Me: Not Interested. Have a Good Day Texter: Ok. You Too ***about an hr goes by..amd because boredom has sent in..I decided to respond albeit with a very evil slant*** Me: You know, it's quite unfortunate...because I loved to * CENSORED * your * CENSORED* in my *CENSORED*... and how well you * CENSORED*... but *sigh*..OH WELL....I deserve MUCH more than that. Take care huh! *smooches* (Insert evil, diabolical laugh) Texter: OUCH!!!! U are sooooo wrong for that. I miss the way *censored* and how *censored* BUT...I also miss talking to you, your advice and point of view, your cooking. U will always be the good one I let get away Me...

Time: around 2 pm Place: Sitting at my office. The Scene : I am sitting here at my desk, processing paperwork and my text message goes off Texter: Really don't wanna hear from me anymore?? Me: * looks at phone angry beyond belief* I am sorry. Maybe you didn't understand. I thought I was clear. Because of the fact that you were not honest, I do not see the need for further communication. That coupled with the fact that your inconsistency to be a gentleman, court me properly, and the inability to communicate effectively. Texter: What happened to being friends? When was I ever not a good friend? I was honest. But ok. I respect your decision Good luck to u and in school. Me: You and I apparently want different things. I do NOT want a "friend with benefits" and I was VERY clear about that when we met from the jump. Thanks for the well wishes Texter:I never did either. I want a friend. And see where it leads. Sex was never a requirement. ...

The Time : about 7 pm on Mother's Day Place : my living room The Scenario : " I am watching Fox Sunday line-up in my PJ's....and my text message goes off" Texter: "Hi Sexy" Me: *frowns*....doesn't respond. Then thinks..."Let me get this off my chest once and for all" I respond "Yes, Hello??" Texter: "How are you?" Me: "I'm well...and you" Texter: "Good. I still wanna c u one day" Me: That's it. I've had it. I respond "Actually , I'm not interested in seeing you. I actually saw your FB status that you went from "in a realtionship to single". Not trying to be your "in between chick". Hope things work out for you. Texter: I was always single. My status was in a relationship for years since I broke up with my ex. One day a couple weeks ago I was feeling really lonely so I decided to finally change it and comment on it" Me: ...

There is someting about the fine art of conversation. A little face to face time. Wagging the tounge. Speaking in tounges. So much "conversation' that sounds become inaudible. But there's a lot of talking. Samantha : ...Going down, giving head... Carrie : ...Eating out... Miranda : I never understood that. Shouldn't it be "eating in"?- Sex and the City             There have been songs and odes to giving head. Uhm. That's great. But let's talk about that all important art of the " Love Snacking " also known as cunniligus . Men may think they are superb lovers if they are dicking you down like crazy. But if you have no skills as a "cunning linguist", then you might as well pack your bags and leave.  Women aren't built like men. We  have nerve endings and complex clitoral stimulation (which in part is why lesbians do this so much better..they are women and KNOW where to push the buttons). Even with that, every women isn...

#DearFutureHusband ...I promise to NEVER wear underwear with my skirts. :) ...that is all! :)

Mocha ( that's me...) has started accepting application for "Summer Boo". It's a temp job..available from June-September. After Labor Day, just like white pants, you will be retired.I must say.. The job has LIMITED benefits..and no guarantee of temp-to-perm status. In this "boo saturated" economy.. That's the risk you take. I got the idea from my friend Maria (same chick who a while ago gave me the ideas and guide on how to date a white guy ). She calls it "seasonal dating". In seasonal dating there is a clear drawn rule. We just kicking it for the summer . That's it. We aint courting. We aint dating. I dont even like you that much to take you around my mama or friends. I can pay for my own isht cause I dont need you to get the wrong ideas. There MAY or MAY BE sex...if I feel the mood hit me. Aint no catching feelings. Play your position. And once the wind starts getting cold.....at the final holiday of the season (Labor Day).we part ways....