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Showing posts from March, 2018

The Ides of Birthdays

My 39th birthday is in two weeks.
You know, I feel like I write the same type of blog around my birthday every year. I get extremely introspective and pensive about the whole thing. But this is my last year of my 30s and I am feeling all of the feelings that have ever and could be felt. I hate trying to bring this up to folks.. who are always wanting to remind you of "well.. you got this.. you got that...". As if you haven't dealt with depression long enough to realize it doesn't matter what you have... if one piece is missing.. it throws it all off.
While yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of my mom's passing, I realized she wouldn't be here for my 40th. That was a hard pill to swallow. I thought for sure we'd be celebrating a lot that year... my Ph.D... a baby... a big, fancy car..... all of that. I only have one of those things so far but still... I was hoping that having her hold on at least until then would be the icing on my cake.
My life feels…

Three Years

It's been 3 years since you've been gone.
I've been on my own.
I had to bear the weight of trying to figure out motherhood without you.

I've tried to complete my goals.. but they now seem pointless because you won't be there.

I miss you.

The baby misses you and she doesn't even know you...

She calls out for you sometimes.

And I tell her stories about you.

She knows you.

I just miss you.

You weren't done mothering me.