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Swallowing my Guilt: Confessions on NICU Motherhood, Milestones and Me

NOTE: I wrote this post shortly after having my daughter. It has sat in my "drafts" for quite some time. I thought I would share it today, on Mother's Day. Why? Because I know there is a mom out there who needs to know she isn't alone she needs to know her feelings are normal, valid and that it is OK to get help. AND you will come out of this, whole and healthy if at all possible. If not, take the steps to get there.  If you are like me, and have lost your mother and yet are raising a baby, you could probably relate...


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June 19, 2016


I am pretty sure that after the birth of my daughter, I was suffering from postpartum depression and PTSD. No... I KNOW I was am suffering.

I had my daughter 10 weeks early via c-section on Jay 26. It was traumatic and while I felt relieved, I mostly felt like a failure. I couldn't hold on to her inside for just a little while longer. She needed to get bigger. She needed to get stronger. She needed to know I was strong and…

#YearThirtyFine: The Day I Stopped Giving a F****

Turning 39 aka Thirty Fine has been an experience.
My body has more aches and pains...I think I also found a gray hair...

I've had to make more doctor's appointments than I'd like...

I am out of breath when I chase my kid.. which reminds me to work out more and eat better.

I have to keep laxative on deck because I'm getting old...

But...
I also decided that my 39th birthday would be the day that I I would not give a f*** during my last year of my 30s.

I do not care what you think about my body. Imma wear a sheer shirt and show all my midriff.

I don't care what you think about how I parent. I am going to parent how I want and Baby Girl will be better for it.

I do not care that I am broke or have money for all the things I want

I do not care that I don't have a fly whip.

I do not care that my skin and hair isn't perfect all the time

I don't care if I wear makeup today.. and none tomorrow.

I am going to eat what I fucking want and worry about the pounds la…

The Ides of Birthdays

My 39th birthday is in two weeks.
*sigh*
You know, I feel like I write the same type of blog around my birthday every year. I get extremely introspective and pensive about the whole thing. But this is my last year of my 30s and I am feeling all of the feelings that have ever and could be felt. I hate trying to bring this up to folks.. who are always wanting to remind you of "well.. you got this.. you got that...". As if you haven't dealt with depression long enough to realize it doesn't matter what you have... if one piece is missing.. it throws it all off.
While yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of my mom's passing, I realized she wouldn't be here for my 40th. That was a hard pill to swallow. I thought for sure we'd be celebrating a lot that year... my Ph.D... a baby... a big, fancy car..... all of that. I only have one of those things so far but still... I was hoping that having her hold on at least until then would be the icing on my cake.
My life feels…

Three Years

It's been 3 years since you've been gone.
I've been on my own.
I had to bear the weight of trying to figure out motherhood without you.

I've tried to complete my goals.. but they now seem pointless because you won't be there.

I miss you.

The baby misses you and she doesn't even know you...

She calls out for you sometimes.

And I tell her stories about you.

She knows you.

I just miss you.

You weren't done mothering me.

Step Your P****y Up

I will be 39 in a month. I am having a midlife crisis. A literal, mid-life crisis.
The job of mothering and wife-ing (lol) is a difficult one.  And add on top of that knocking on the 40s door.... and not feeling like you've achieved jack shit. I haven't traveled the world enough. Bought enough shoes. Eat fancy foods. Had sex with Matt Kemp... Had enough orgasms. Lost enough weight. Driven the car of my dreams. Paid off enough debt... making sex figures...wrote my epic historical fiction novel... worn enough hairstyles...
Blah! I've not done jack squat. *sigh* WHat Id o know is, the unpaid, emotional labor of mothering and being a wife has driven me off track and off my goals. A lot of them. I am having to retool and refocus. In lamenting to my husband, he goes "I mean you can still travel the world! With Us". Before I could control my facial expressions, I scowled. "A baby? Strapped to my back and a husband to weigh me down as I go see the Pyramids?? No tha…

A Love Like Taffy

I was in one of the many online/Facebook groups that I am in (I have a real addiction I believe....) and the discussion of marriage and its up and downs began. Naturally, women started this discussion and men sorta interjected here and there. (SN: I often wish men spoke positively and naturally about marriage the way women do....alas.... all we get are Fred Flinstone types...)

I relayed my experiences as a woman under 40 and working on my second marriage. My exact words were...

What I’ve learned in two marriages, one disastrous and one fairly new but relatively healthy, is that you learn to become like taffy:  You start out one big, sweet sticky mess. Then...you stretch, you grow, you pull, you push but if you’re lucky, you don’t break. And that’s the sweet spot.  

And when one of my good friends who was engaged said she fears marriage because she was a "hot mess"... I laughed and said, "Marriage is the joining of two hot messes....". And I continued on with my taf…