Sex and The Southern Belle

Whenever I hear about a girlfriend getting sad about dating problems...or even when I get the blues (for whatever reason..not necessarily dating related...)..I like to watch my favorite video.. It is this one..where President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama (then..he was just a candidate) recall their very first date. And the way he looked at her...my goodness...makes you melt.    First off...the man remembers EVERY detail of the date. How many men remember their first date almost 20 years ago??? Heck..some can't remember the date from the night before! I bet if you asked him what she wore, he could recall that too. Mercy! Secondly, he was schoolin' dudes on how to do a first date right. That man breaks it down w/o really saying it. I got the following from him:   A Date does NOT have to be expensive : they went for Ice cream, they saw a movie, they looked at art at a museum at the Art Inst (which is free btw...) then they ended the ni...

So I just read an article today about how courting in the age of text messages, Facebook and Skype is pretty much dead to us young girls. And men have no social skills that women crave... Shows like Girls   on HBO show women having relationships totally via text, hook ups and just being awkward with boys with awkward social skills. Even I have written blogs about  how guys want relationships solely via text messages. Post-Divorce I've experienced that a lot.  Guys who want to ask you out via text or have "dates" that aren't really dates but group activities or asking you to simply "tag along" while they are out. That isn't a date. There are men who court. I know because finally, at the age of 33, I am experiencing a real courtship. This isn't to say guys didn't attempt to court me. I mean, I was married before. But sometimes, these guys just fell short. Something was off and I couldn't put my finger on it. They still wanted to do th...

If anyone knows me, they know I am addicted to a good web-series (usually the ones created FOR and BY us). Often times, they are better than regular TV sitcoms. So needless to say, I was delighted, I mean OVERJOYED, to run across the web series The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl by Issa Rae. I was first introduced to her work a LONG time ago with Dorm Diaries...and then her work with The Fly Boyz and their hilarious series The F Word . But Misadventures ... spoke to me. I laughed. I cried. I hollered out loud! I loved it. I can relate. I’ve even gone over to her Facebook page to sing her praises. I was a groupie, no doubt… Cause I’m awkward… I used to think I was a pretty a-typical black girl. But I’m not. I’m odd. I’m awkward.  I’m even awkward physically. I got this weird Blasian looking face yet I am not half Asian (which disappoints most brothers to say the least when they find out). I am not shaped like a “sista”. I have locs which is odd...but not unusual. It’s awkward...

You know, dear readers of Sex and the Southern Belle, I (and I do mean hardly ever) hardly talk about my personal life anymore. Usually I am dishing out advice, random thoughts, give-aways, and even the occasional poem. But this time, I just couldn’t contain myself. This blog has been my cathartic healing out of a barren situation. I’ve chronicled the highs and lows of being a divorced, African-American woman in a city where women outnumber men 12:1.   Where the Magic City dancer and bootleg model and music producer reign supreme. I’ve had some great experiences. I have a LOT of terrible experiences. I’ve experimented with everything from meeting guys organically, to speed dating, to the wonderful world of on-line dating.   I’ve gone on countless dates to the point where it is exhausting and like a full-time second job. I had given up, settling on focusing on my PhD studies, my working out, and shopping (lol)... That is…until… I wasn’t looking for it. To be quite honest, I h...

Have you ever been on a date and wondered if you were at Def Comedy/Poetry jam or still in the back booth at the Olive Garden? Yeah…..who wants to relive that moment?? No one. Do you really want to be sitting across from a woman as you do your soliloquy from Othello and she has the gas face? Nah…I didn’t think so. Do you want to do stuff that is more and more awkward making you look like a jackass? Nah...I didn’t think so. In this world of dating/mating, we are often assaulted with a barrage of images of our potential mates. Sometimes we don’t even know how to take it. It is as if someone left the IPod on “shuffle” the entire time in our heads.   We complain that a person often comes to the table with their “representative”, the man/woman that we THINK you’d like or be attracted to. Yes, in general, we hate that. However, you may want to scale back your “real” self for a little while . Because a date is not a performance. No, this isn’t to say that you need to indeed come as a “rep...

I am a product of two movements: the civil rights movement and the feminist movement. One implored me to be proud of my race, not take any sh*t, not to back down without a fight, and I could achieve anything I want regardless of my skin color. The other taught me that my gender was on no consequence, I can do it all for and BY myself, I don’t need a bra or shave (in the extreme case), and not to take any sh*t and I can achieve anything I want regardless of my sex. But, I feel, only the latter has destroyed my dating life for the worse. Before you all call me a “traitor to the chromosome”, hear me out. In our quest to be “independent”, have we isolated and allowed men to “not be men”? Have we allowed men to expect us to just be “Miss Independent”, picking up the tab, making the decisions, and not taking the “lead” in a relationship? And when I say “lead”, I don’t mean the “submit to me woman” kind. I mean, the, “let me make a choice of ANY kind”.   From planning the date to est...

**Editor's Notes : Now I am sure some of you are like.." But wait, Mocha..haven't you been married before??" Yeah So what? I didnt produce any kids from it.  I'm single again. I'm speaking like the SINGLE, childess person I am. Therefore, I want to create a whole family unite: mother, father and child. Husband, Wife and child. Parents and children. *shrug* Had I had some kids..this wouldn't be my conversation. I might even seek a partner WITH kids IF I had kids. This is my truth. I stand firm in it. Yeah I'm complicated... so.If you don't like it..bite me (LOL).

At first I wasn’t gonna blog about all my dating adventures anymore. I mean, who wants to hear about this stuff.   Plus, I’m apprehensive now seeing as though I let people read it (what better way to get to know me huh? ) But…what the hell! You all want to know, you nosey bastards.  And this is a blog about my dating adventures post divorce..And I need a place to binge and purge. This mental diarrhea has to go somewhere. I vowed to be honest..so here goes. So upon advice of my friends who were successful and professional therapist (I have no shame in saying I consulted a therapist post-divorce, I think everyone should!), I decided to rejoin a few dating sites. I had joined some, as I said before, shortly after I got divorced but I didn’t really have many dates , met some straight up nutjobs, and I wasn’t ready. After my campaign to go on more dates fell short (and encountered more fools), I said the hell with it. I threw myself into school, work and getting myself t...

Scenario: You meet someone. The communication is going well. They seem into you. You go out...have an AWESOME date (by their own admission)...And for you..this may rank up there with one of THE BEST dates you've ever had....then...BAM...all communication comes to a screeching halt. Texts become sporadic and one or two words...phone convos are brief and not as rich...then all of a sudden...the convos just stop...cold. You call..they don't answer. You text...they don't reply back. Hmm... Then you start analyzing the date . What just happened?? Are they THAT busy?? Was my breath funky? Was the conversation boring? Did I not laugh at the right jokes? What gives w/ the disappearing acts?? *scratching head* In proposing the scenario with a fellow blogger of mine, Peejay, over at Colored Girls Blogging, her answer was simply this: They meet someone who also has good communication and good chemistry and they aren't sure which way they want to go and don't know how to multi...

I love men. Specifically, I love black men. I love the way that they walk, the way that they talk, the brute strength, the beautiful aesthetics of brown skin, facial hair and that certain (for lack of better word) “swagger”. But I do have a problem with men…and the problem is ME. In speaking to someone recently, they said that they could see how my blog can come across as “bitter” sometimes. Maybe not “bitter” but they were unconvinced that I actually liked men...and in their words it sounded like a "hardcore lesbian trying to convince people she's straight".  I assured them “No. I love men. I really do. The problem is I love them TOO MUCH”. And then they asked how was that so… I’ll tell you why, buddy…. I love men so much that somehow I forgot to give a damn about my own needs. I loved men so much that I forgot that I need to have my own needs met across the board before I started to try and meet the unrealistic expectations of a partner who could give a damn ab...

**I wasn't going to share this on the blog..but..I've been transparent thus far in my dating experiences..why not stop now..so here goes....** I started carrying a convo on with a guy named ...well..we'lll call him Mr Violations (cause he had at least 4 of the 10 violations I talked about in my last blog but...Ialthough it was comedy...Ialso didn't wanna judge a book by it's cover). Gorgeous..dimples..well-chisled..brown skinned tiny gap in his teeth..originally from Queens but living in DC. The convo was going really well via texting and chatting. So..we decided to take it to Oovoo (it's sorta like Skype but better....clearer pictures) So anyway..we are chatting and the chatting was going well..laughing and what not. So..he asked (as they all do)..do I have any pictures. So..I send him some..you know..full body...etc. I wasnt naked. I was well dressed. in my designer finest. It was pics from when I went to see Maxwell and some from earlier this year..and...

I think I'm a beautiful girl. I really do. (at least that's what my Mama told me and I dare you to say something bad about Marcie!!)  I think I have lovely bone structure and although we can all use some "work" here and there, overall, I'm not hideous. You dont have to screw me with a paper bag over my head. I def feel my self esteem is pretty balanced most days and I will admit, it took a LONG time for me to get there. That being said...I do feel like I put a "dating restriction" on myself. I can pinpoint the day when it started... I had a sorority sister who, by all accounts,  (I) thought she was a friend to me. I was in school in  a new state and around new people and she became a friend to me. She always wanted to set me up on dates...but..every dude she set me up with was NOT attractive to me. I went out on these dates because I was young and I figured a) I was bored, wanting to get out of the house. and b) I was hungry and sick of the meal plan ...

#Good Idea commitment; realizing you are involved in a relationship communication cuddling do what you do when you did what you did  to actually believe in the power of love understanding that all the days won't be perfect take your time and really make love to remember that it's always the little things for the woman to realize that a man is only " one man " for the man to understand that " Superwoman " was a cartoon #Bad Idea to exit the room once your significant other enters to believe that love alone pays the bills checking phone records, mileage, underwear thinking that farting is funny to remain friends with your ex insecurity; not everyone wants to sleep with your mate overcrowding; fresh air is always good cheating choosing to remain in a bad relationship telling your friends all of your business

(For the record..I don't know this dude... but for the purpose of this blog..he is about the most unsexy, unflattering dude I could  muster up. *sigh*) One of my friends decided that she, too, wanted to hook me up with someone. Not only did she fail to get to know my standards...she failed at the hook-up rule ( see yesterday's pos t). She sent me a pic of the dude..and he looked like Snuffalupagus. Don;t you remember Snuffalupagus? (Yes..he was cute and adorable..but only for a few minutes then he was hairy and creepy!) I told her flat out. "You must hate me. Either you hate me or you find me hideous and feel that I shouldn't date better looking men". She shut her trap and tried to laugh it off. I wasn't laughing. I posted the following status on FB... I f you try and set me up w/ a dude and he's ugly... what you are REALLY saying is "of course I don't think you're pretty enough for someone better" and you neither love me nor listen...

There is a rule to hooking up your friends. It's really simple.....trust me. " Never hook-up your friend w/ someone who doesn't even meet your basic standards. If YOU wouldn't date him and he's not good enough for you...then why's he ok for your friend?" This isn't to say that the person has to be YOUR TYPE because of course..everyone's type is different. This isn't about type..this is about really basic stuff. It's really about knowing your friend. You know she won't date a man with kids...this dude has 5... If the man has questionable ethics or no spiritual grounding.. If he has a funky, cocky attitude and your girl is laid back... You don't even find dude remotely attractive.....but he "seems nice" (and that just aint good enough)..then let it go. If you know your girl is a stickler for good teeth..and you say "he has an overbite and a gap...BUT". Don't qualify that with a BUT! If you know your gir...

Commuting to work today...listening to my IPod...I had a revelation on why I'm FINALLY ok with not dating and why Men in this city won’t date me: 1) I am saving money. LOTS of it. I don’t have to spend money on pedis, manis and all that extras like new outfits when I have dates...trying to impress some ridiculous bama who doesn’t care less. Furthermore, dudes expect YOU to come out the pocket a lot. And while I don’t mind doing that eventually...as we get to know each other...I don’t like doing that off the bat. Period. I’m old-fashioned. I can save money on my damn groceries cause your pooh butt ass won’t be sitting on my couch, eating my damn snacks. 2) Men don’t want to date me because I have no car . In this city, that's a requirement. I keep bringing it up (I know you are tired of hearing it) but I get tired of dudes saying I live so far (yet I live 6 miles from downtown..THEY live far). They are used to girls meeting them in places for dates and etc. Coming to THEIR...

A friend of mine tweeted an article she found on CNN.com about race in America. The focus was on dating and black women…and how the church may be hurting black women . I always keep an open mind when I read. But I have long felt that the Church isn’t that conducive to women. Note: I didn’t say religion or even spiritual belief. If anything, those are positives. But the church is man-made, often corrupt, and way too influential by man over the spirits of women. Religion teaches you to leave what’s harmful; The Church will tell you to stay. Sprit instructs you to be guided by a force greater than yourself, whereas The Church teaches you to be led by a man/woman who has their own personal beliefs. The problem isn’t “religion” and its influence on dating, it’s the Church. Women in church (as the article states) look to the pastor as THE ALPHA male, a model for men. That’s not a good idea…because this can manifest in romantic feelings for a pastor. We know all too well the stories of the...

Ahh yes...Today's Hall of Fame game marks the beginning of football season! It's Pre-Season! For men..this is almost as good as Christmas! It's sooo awesome! As a chick who loves football, I'm just as excited! I'm ready for my game day snacks (and gaining 50 more lbs)...jumping up and down...and hoping that the Falcons backfield will give Matt Ryan some room and our offense steps up! I got my lucky Falcons hat out...and I am good to go (and I only cheat on my Falcons w/ The Steelers and those fine ass Troy Polamalu and Hines Ward) Am I speaking a foriegn language to you, ladies? Looka here.....Ladies..if you do not like football, as I have wisely advised, please STFU and provide (or order if your microwaving ass cant cook) the snacks to your fella (and/or his friends)..OR Learn the game. OR learn to "perform"  a little mic check during halftime. This may garner you happiness and/or a Little Blue Box. That is all... Men dont ask for much. They love ...