July 31, 2010
In our marriage ceremony, there was a part where the pastor asked the community of our families (and friends), to outstretch their hands and point toward us at the altar. He said.."You are entrusted to support this relationship, It is not only the responsibiliy of the couple but also of their families and friends to see that their marriage thrive".
Fastfoward just two short years later,, that promise of support had vanished and been broken and we indeed didn't make it. I realized then that divorce wasn't just about US but also about the collective WE that we pledged to become: one, big extended family. Although it was expected, that friends just didn't understand and would try to help, family was another story.
In having a talk with my ex-husband, I asked how my former Mother-In-Law was doing. I had gotten a feeling that she wasnt ok from other implied conversations I had had with people but I wanted to be sure. I had been quite tentative in asking my ex about his mother. You see, we never had one of those strained, typical in-law relationships. For the most part, she was VERY kind. She helped us out a whole lot. Was support. Would talk my head off when I called her or vice versa. She'd send me all kinds of inspirational e-mails or something she thought I'd like via email. She was very integral in the wedding planning and helped set up, bought extra things. She planned probably the best rehearsal dinner ever.rivaling our own reception . She was awesome. She had always wanted a daughter and she felt that she got one. She bragged on me (as did his grandmother) and it felt good to know that I had family in my corner even if they were 2000 miles away near the Pacific.
As the marriage got worse, so too did my relationship w/ my inlaws. Toward the end of our marriage, I just stopped calling. If she called, I'd hand the phone over to my husband. I was angry. I had no idea how to talk to her. When I refused to come to California for Christmas, she sent me an email and asked why. When I told her that we were filing for divorce and what grievances I had, she said something along the lines of "you should have just pray more" and "you shoulda known the person you married"- it was quite acusatory and wasnt what I expected. Of course she'd protect her baby and believed what he said! Thats her child. No one wants to hear that their child is wrong. At the time was 38 hot. But I realize now, as a single mother and unmarried, she had no idea how to react. She didn't know what a marriage entailed. She didn't know how to comfort either of us. She had no advice to give...and what advice she did give..came from a hurt place.
Most of all, my ex was her only child. She wanted nothing more in the world than to have grandchildren.. She was convinced we'd have twins (although they run on HIS side and not mine), and when we bought our house..the first thing she said on the tour of the model home was.."THis will be the nursery...and this will be MY room when I come to help out". That tickled me...because I knew she and my mother would be duking it out (LOL)..but in a good way. Ms. H was determined to move herself in (even for a little while) like Mrs. Robinson did w/ The Obamas.
So it was a surprise that when my ex told me that his mother had been rather depressed about our divorce, a little slow to warm up to other folks' babies and even a bit resentful.. I was shocked because just didnt seem like her. Divorce had changed her, too. As he told me about that, I started to cry. I felt I robbed her of an opportunity to be an awesome grandmother and continued good mother-in-law. . She is fairly young, vibrant and active. She even used to buy kids clothes and toys before we even had kids and say "This is for my grandbaby". *sigh*....Now she's just a lot less love and a whole lot more bitter.
His grandmother, with her health declining, longed to see him have her first great-grandchild. She even asked him to find a nice girl to get pregnant, out of wedlock, which was totally unlike her. Divorce had changed her too....
On the flipside, there is my mother and father. My father is and has always been distant and cold. So when we got divorce, he just became his usual distant and cold self., worrying more about the pricetag of the wedding and his small contribution instead of how I felt. He has grandkids already (by his other kids), so me being pregnant or having a kid really meant nothing. I'm sure he probably felt I dodged a bullet. However, I noticed that the warm repore he and my ex were developing post wedding, quickly faded. I guess although I'm not a Daddy's girl per se, no father want's their daughter to go through that.
My mother was hurt but respectful. She loved my ex husband like a son. Since my brother lived so far away and ex's mother was so far away, they leaned on each other as any mother/son would. They still kept in touch yet my mother respected my new life and privacy. She too quietly mourns the loss of an opportunity to be a grandmother and instead pours her energy into her godchildren, my little cousins, and buys them things here and there, supporting their school plays, games and activities at a moment's notice. When I brought up the idea of adoption (or the extreme a sperm donor), while supportive, she hoped I'd get to experience the joys of motherhood and being pregnant WITH a partner. My own mother's health isnt the best and I know she too is thinking about time to enjoy and be helpful (as much as she can). with her own grandkids. And while I go on these dates, parties, events and things..she quietly says "That's nice" (which indicates she isnt impressed) and hopes that I "find someone nice" to settle down with, be supportive of me during my endeavors, and most of all, have a family with that they'll I'm sure embrace.
When you get divorced or if you are getting a divorce and you are reading this, take some time to not only think about if the divorce will hurt the two of you but will it destroy the bonds that were built (if you had a positive experience w/ in-laws). OR if you didn't have a positive experience w/ in-laws, how you can repair it and leave on a positive note if you choose to. To some that may seem crazy like "Why does it matter?" But it does.. Black people and those of the Diaspora arent like "mainstream" people. We cherish family. We adore family. We aren't quick to write them off and dispose of our elderly in a nursing home unless we JUST have to. When we build a relationship, it stays forever. People still call me and my ex "cousin/neice/etc" although our bond has been broken legally.
Divorce is about the dissolution of a unit: parents, family and finally, the couple.
They say "these are the ties that bind".......
July 30, 2010
- the increase of subs and readership! I love you all so much
- a good love story
- IFC/SUNDANCE/RETRO/IndiePlex (I LOVE independent and foreign films)
- Japanese anime
- sleeping in just a T-shirt in the summer.
- cute graphic T-shirts
- Kem's new album coming soon. I love him!
- Little Five Points in ATL (Euclid Ave and Moreland....stand up!)
- graduating from an HBCU
- R&B making a strong comeback
- re-runs of Noah's Arc...I miss that show.
- The "Sex Mix" playlist of 150 songs that's on my Ipod
- Twitter..and the new UberTwitter.(I used to loathe it..now I cant part from it)
- aging like fine wine *insert a Shanay-nay Heyyyyyyy!*
- The fact that I am both too poor and indecisive to get the REAL design cracking on this blog. I gotta keep my promises *sigh* (Who wants to donate to the design fund?? I got Paypal! LOL)
- The fact that my Sexy Playlist might not ever get used in this century (LOL) then the songs will be all old and isht!
- Ive never liked Keith Sweat..what a talentless hack! *smh*
- The fact that YOU (yes YOU..) love me...and I know you do. But you are with her. You aint going nowhere . The sooner YOU accep that. The easier it will be for us to just part ways....
- The Dream's ol Paddington Bear looking ass cheating! OMG! *smh* Cmon dude!
- my co-worker telling me her daggone 60 plus year old husband is cheating on her. Go sitchooldassdownsomewhere! Now she wanna take him on Cheaters!
- heat rashes due to humidity. not cute! Messing up my swagger (I hate that word too. LOL)
- Fat boys being the only ones into me. When did I become a chubby chaser?
- My IPOD having a mind of its own. WTF are you? The Ghost in the Machine?
- the fact that I'll probably never know what my kids w/my ex husband would look like
- rumors of Swizz Beats having another kid in England. Who is wanting to repoduce with his Toucan Sam lookin ass? Moreover..
- Alicia Keys...........nuff said. *smh*
- A Wanda/Shenaynay movie. I wanna puke.
- the fact that you need a man to reproduce. Ya'll create more problems. I wish we we asexual creatures. LOL.
- it being entirely TOO HOT to cook anything
July 29, 2010
Often times in the circle of close bloggers, who become friends, we get into debates (albeit friendly ones) but debates nonetheless. I happened to be on my "private" blog site reading a dear friend's blog. I love her to death and she's been like a big sister to me, helping me through my divorce as a shoulder to cry on and listening ear. And although I've never met her in person...I do consider her a friend (that may sound strange to most..but it isnt to bloggers!) She's a gorgeous Black and Mexican woman..living in southern Cal and raising her teenage son amazingly! I was reading her blog...and came across this:
Ok..just a random thought... What is with the expression "LSLH?" Because it's usually used in a negative way, I'm offended by it.It irks me to no end! I mean, does it make us less of a black women because we have lighter skin and long hair? So when I read blogs or websites that use that expression, I think it's sad. So what if I'm mixed, or my skins lighter, or my hair has some length! Society still views me as a BLACK WOMEN! I would never think to use an expression like DSSH! To me, it's offensive..plain and simple. Whenever an athlete or actor dates a "LSLH" women, folks say the meanest things..just so disappointing. Think about it.
I sat there for a minute before I responded. I told her yes..you are indeed a black woman..but light sisters do have an advantage. She,of course, didnt feel that way and felt that in general as black women we have it hard. Of course I know my light sisters have it tough in the world..and get teased and sometimes assaulted (sometimes for no reason other than being light)...but..surely she didnt think LSLH was a terrible, negative thing. To me, It was just a descriptor. Like..I'm "brown skinned w/ long locs" or.."slanted eyed with big boobs" (LOL)..whatever. SO before I gave her another answer...I sat and thought about my life.
I was teased for being dark as a kid. In the grand scheme of things on the color spectrum of blackness, I'm not on the SUPER dark scale, but I'm brown. I didnt have long hair, my hair was thin, fragile and weak and nappy. And I got teased more for that a whole lot. I never wanted to bleach my skin and I didnt grow up in a house that said things about skin color. But the hair..boy.was that a point of frustration. I'd cry and cry. I wanted long hair badly. I permed the holy hell out of it. If I had hair like Tatyana Ali Kenya Moore , (whom I worshiped as a teenager) Ananda Lewis/Rachel from BET or Chilli (minus the baby hair slicked down), I'd feel prettier. (If you notice..none of those women are particularly LIGHT..but they had awesome hair! LOL) When I got old enough, I wore short styles..all kinds of hair styles.. but when I was 16..things changed. I got to wear weave AND I started dating when I was 16 years old (and no..I didnt "sneak" and date before 16 like most girls did...). I always loved ALL shades of brothers..but..I noticed the brown brothers didnt like me that much. Music videos and movies and advertising always had a light sister at the center of it, getting the attention. In high school..the light girls got all the attention, got picked for homecoming courts and dated the cutest, coolest boys in school. They rolled in a small, elite circle that I surely wasn't a part of. Oh..I had a cute and sweet boyfriend in high school (who was paper sack brown himself..LOL) ...but I still noticed. When I got older in college, I didnt have any difficulties finding a date (there is someone for everyone), but..I still noticed how skin color still was a factor in stuff. Certain sororities on campus still had the image of "long hair, light skin" made them quite elite. And for that historical factor, those were the ones that I avoided...on principal most of all. Certain commitees were spearheaded by "the gorgeous people". Homecoming queens at neighboring Morehouse College were ALWAYS lightskinned. Lighter sisters on campus dated some very handsome fellas (of all shades) while many of my super chocolate sisters were left in dorms dateless. I felt like I was living an episode of School Daze but it was quite real. I'd go out with my light skinned girlfriend, who by most accounts. wasnt the prettiest. I was much flyer...but she always got the attention. Fastforward to post college, I married a brother who, for lack of any better descriptor, was pretty light (lighter than me). I got so tired of hearing the stuff about "Oh you two will have some pretty kids" (I'm sure mostly due to the fact that he was light...). It became so frustrating.
Now that I'm single, I too notice that not much has changed in dating........ I go to the lounges and clubs and VIP is still filled with my light sisters. Actors, entertainers and "ballers" still have light sisters on their arms. On dating websites, light women get more hits than brown ones......... Even now, I heard black men saying they find natural hair nasty/ugly/unsexy/unprofessional. (yet I've never felt sexier in my life with my locs). Even Steve Harvey joked to a woman just the other day on the radio that she wasnt gonna find a man with her hair nappy/natural. *sigh* . And let's not count how many dates I've been on with guys who ask me "Sooo..this thing with your hair???" Boy I tell ya, aint nothing changed but the date on the wall.
So I responded to my friend as such:
I think in San Deigo (and much of California).it might be doubly difficult due to the lack of brothers interested in black women in general. (i.e. Reggie Bush..Dhani Jones..BOTH from SD). BUT..let's face facts historically..lighter women have been placed on higher pedestals (I mean we can see that from the issues of slavery, "placage" in the Louisiana creole history, and look at most of our "First black" anythings...they are rather light.. because they put white folks at ease). Eurocentric standards of beauty are just emphasises more (look at our obsessions with perms, weaves, skin lightners, etc) Even white guys interested in black men either go to two extremes: extremely ETHNIC (as in from the mother land) or almost European looking (i.e. Paula Patton). Speaking of which..thats why that whole Just Wright movie was unbelievable to me. (lol) I think dark skin in general is just intimidating to most. Furthermore, with men, the placement has been on a Eurocentric standard of beauty, therefore if you have "those qualities" it makes you more desirable...you dont have the skin color issues, the nappy hair. etc. It's a veritable dating pool for you... Brothers wont admit it but hell..they want "cute, acceptable kids" too and "acceptable" arm candy. A few black woman issues..without the "typical" black woman problems (LOL) In places that are major cities, you def see the athletes, businessmen, and enteratainers with those women because well.......those women know that their skin color can be used to that advantage. It's the ugly truth. Beyonce wouldnt be Beyonce if she didnt look the way she looked. No one would call Halle Berry "beautiful"/ It's just how it is...sadly. I dont think you can call it "discrimnation" moreso than it's just....the dynamics of the color complex. (There is a GOOD book on that..of the same name...). Your history may be a little different. You are black AND Mexican...two very discriminated against groups. HOWEVER..in the black community..you are seen as exotic, desirable, and datable. I've heard men say "I'll take the UGLIEST light skinend girl before I take a pretty black one" OR that "light skinned women are ALWAYS in style". I KNOW I'm prettier than a few of my light friends..but if we go out..I might as well chock it up..sit by the bar and chill. (LOL) cause no one is checking for me..and I could be ON: hair done, nails done, exuding mad confidence. I won't win. It's hard for you to personally identify because well..you've never been dark. I've never been light..but the historic evidence is there. This ISNT to say this gives you the right to hate on light sistas. They cant help who they are (and I surely dont). BUT..many know who they are..and take full advantages of the priviledges that light skin/long hair/european features garners them. The world is their oyster..and they are just sharpening their knives. But even then...there is a certain ELITE type of light woman that can do that. You indeed are still a black women...but a black women with certain advantageous attributes whether you use them to your advantage or not. And many black women..with dark skin, notty hair..cant help how they are and how hurt they feel therefore some take it out on other light sisters unfortunately. It hurts to be called names. EITHER way..I know it used to hurt me (and by all "standards" Im not even that dark!) You may hear mean things about light women..but I can guarantee without playing tit for tat.....that it is NOTHING in comparison to what a brown sista hears.
Sorry I wrote a dissertation (LOL)..but I hope you see a brown (nappy headed ) sista's views :)
She responded to me in kind, saying she understood but she too felt out of black being birracial: not black enough for her black friends and def not mexican. She def wanted a more distinct look either way the pendulum swang. I realized after I wrote my friend that essentially we were walking the same path....as black women. As women who appear "different" from people around us...and even different to those in our "community". Pain is pain.............
...but I can't help but STILL think that my brown,proudly nappy-headed self.....is going to continue to have a hard time dating, mating and all things in-between.
July 28, 2010
I was up late one night watching Cinemax (oh no...It wasn’t Zane or anything. LOL). I was watching a movie called “The Girlfriend Experience” with a real-life former porn star Sasha Gray making her major film debut as (what else) a call girl named Chelsea who gets paid to give men the “girlfriend experience”. Directed by acclaimed director Steven Soderbergh cinema verite style (he’s the director of Traffic, Erin Brocovich, etc), it chronicles a time right before the 2008 election and how a woman is trying to balance the normalcy of having a boyfriend with her clients. Often times, she has an inability to separate the two worlds causing her to pretty much lose feeling for anyone around her.
As you all know, I’ve been on a series of dates this summer, I dubbed it “100 Dates of Summer” but in actuality, it was only about 6 (LOL). Nevertheless, the point of it all was to get out, meet more people and just not be so shy and be open to finding love wherever it may come.
Needless to say, it’s been an utter disaster. There were very few highs and a whole lot of lows. Liars, cornballs, and horny dudes have been just a summary of what I’ve encountered.
I was telling my guy friend, who I’ll call MC, about my adventures. Smart, funny and fine...he's a good dude to bounce stuff off of sometimes. He was like.”SO you haven’t had ONE good date?” I said...”Uhm…it’s been a minute. What about you?” He goes... ”I go on good dates ALL the time. Hell, some out of town. Come up here to see me. We’ll have a great date…I promise”. I laughed because I know MC. I know he has body for days. I know he’s a charmer and an insatiable flirt. He is also a guy who has vehemently declared he isn’t looking to settle down, just wants to “kick it” and have “friends”. He's the eternal bachelor (nothing wrong with that! ) I will say he’s at least HONEST about it, warning chicks not to catch feelings. (Mind you..I think he’s 30 now.. and at some point you just gotta stop that stuff. But hey..I let him do him.) And after a few bottles of Moscato and some Trey Songz on the IPod, we’d probably be naked, sweaty and it just wouldn’t be a good look.
While this may garner “ooohs” and “aahs” from the peanut gallery and maybe even a few “girl, what’s wrong with you!!” I frowned and scoffed a bit at the idea. MC is my friend. That’s it. JUST my friend (my cute friend..but my friend). And I don’t want anyone feeling “sorry” for me and trying to give me the “boyfriend experience” and not be my boyfriend and NOT want anything other than a good screw and laughs and a good time. He told me once “You seem like the kinda girl I could kick it with, have great sex, give you a pound, and go get wings and brew afterwards”. Say what?? I know I’m a cool, open girl but do I wanna be the perpetual FWB. NO! [NOTE: Men interested in me who MAY be reading this blog from time to time..dont get it twisted. I am NOT that girl 100 % of the time..I just write about it! Woo me. Romance me a little..cmon bruh!] I wanna be a girlfriend. With a boyfriend (or man-friend, or partner or whatever…). Furthermore, I don’t want to feel like I’m with a male escort just giving me the business because I haven’t had a good experience with men in a while.
I don’t want to be adored for a weekend..I wanted to be adored for a lifetime.
I don’t want to just live in the moment..I want my life to be momentous.
I don’t want a temporary lover…I want a permanent partner.
You all get my point though.
I understand what my boy was trying to do. Make me (and himself in the end) feel better with a moment of fun, casual “dating”-like atmosphere.-holding hands, cuddling and canoodling. I could pretend I had a boyfriend for a fun filled weekend. But I think I’ll pass. I don’t want an “experience”. I want the real thing.
He might need to hire Sasha Gray from now on…………
July 27, 2010
My friend sent me this one. Apparently, this chick is a pretty big stripper star here in the city (Ms Peachtree down at Magic City). And uhm..she got skills. How can you isolate your butt cheek like that? Anyway..you all take a look!
Then this is the world famous "Twerk Team"...apparently I wont name names but one of my friend's man is like...really into this thing. LMAO! But the chicks be working it hard!
And finally..the Atlanta Dymez Entertainment group. They even got a white chick w/ a dunk (and a tiger tattoo clean across her ass...disturbing) that can work it. here are a few videos.
July 26, 2010
I was out with a friend (strictly platonic) this weekend having a marvelous lunch. He’s in a fairly new relationship and I guess he is thinking about taking it to the next level with his lady friend. I was all giddy and he was asking me questions about marriage, divorce and post-divorce. He was quite candid actually.
He said he took issue with the way his lady friend carried on with her ex-fiancé. He found them far too close to be carrying on that way- the intimate calls, wanting to be BFF’s, texts all times of the night, hanging late night, etc. I nodded my head and understood what he meant. If he’s thinking about proposing, then surely that behavior just won’t do. He was genuine and concerned. “What are the RULES for this??” While I assured him that ex’s can be friends without anything more, there have to be some ground rules in place when you are in a NEW relationship.
It took me back to a time when I was married and how the stuff that people did (Well…FRIENDS of my ex husband) used to irk the ever loving shit outta me and tap dance on my last black nerve. So...I’ve devised a list of helpful rules for Single Folks who have Married Friends (esp. those of the opposite sex).
1) DO NOT call that person at odd times of the freaking day or night. For example, my husband’s so-called BFF (who was a chick) decided she wanted to call him at 7:45 in the goddamn morning once. DUDE…the sun isn’t even out. I’m lying right there (I might have happened to be off work or something). How disrespectful? Her response: I didn’t know she’d be home. SHE”D BE HOME (reminds me of Bernie Mack and “him downstairs”) I don’t even call my married girlfriends before the hours of 9 am or after the hours of 7 pm. Please don’t do it.
2) Speak to the lady or man of the house if they answer the phone. This one used to chafe my hide. My ex’s cousin would call and go “Can I speak to _____?” Bitch…do you think I am the MAID or something? I am the woman of the house. You just don’t speak to people when they answer the phone. I guess I was raised with a certain Southern aesthetic for manners that woulda got me popped in the mouth had I not spoken to whoever answered the phone. A simple “Hey Mocha..how you doing?” woulda sufficed. Oddly enough, when male friends called, they were always so sweet and cordial. Irony indeed….
3) Unless it is a life or death situation, don’t text your married friend late at night. I think this is along the same lines of the calling. Cause if we got that family plan phone bill and we see a bunch of texts from the same number/person, we are going to give you the Rock eyebrow and then the People’s elbow!
4) If you have something, extend the invitation to the COUPLE and not just the person you know. We may not be attached at the hip, but we are married. It used to irk me to receive invitations in the mail that were only addressed to my husband OR my husband would tell me “Such and such invited ME to a party..”. Wheretheydothatat?? RUDENESS to the 10th power! (This reminds me of my ex’s cousin..who MET her husband at OUR wedding..and didn’t invite EITHER of us to participate in the wedding..WTF!) Conversely…
5) Do not insert your SINGLE self in married folk’s activities(or their lives). Do you really want to be the third, single and odd wheel? If nothing but couples are going out, and your married friend will be there, why are you going? It looks stalkerish esp. if you know no one but your married friend.
6) If you are a “single friend” who at one point was intimate w/ the married friend, do not be shocked that they will change the nature of your relationship. IT keeps the peace at home. Wives know the two of you fucked. We also know that you all are still friends. And if you want to be all tight like a nun’s pooney that will never do. Just know…you have to keep a respectful distance.
7) Don’t go running to your “married” friend to share your “woe is me. I hate being single. Why can’t I find a nice guy/girl?” lamenting. It’s grating. And their spouse is going to think you don’t have anyone else to call. Find a therapist! My spouse is not here to be your therapist. True...an occasional vent session is fine. But…don’t be a douche. We wives hate that.
8) RESPECT THE EMAIL. This goes for men and women. Why you sending ya boy swingers sites? And mad porn? Why are you sending him pics of you in this “cute little dress’ you got? Why are you such a damn freak of nature?
9) When out in public, if you have to “pull that person away from their spouse/partner” to talk, then save it. If you can’t dispel what you have to say in front of BOTH of us, then you need to save that for a brief email, phone call or text. It looks suspect. Married folks tell each other everything.. Trust me; the partner knows already so just say it. LOL. Ain't no such thing as “privacy” in a marriage.
10) And finally….(cause wrapping it up at 10 seems complete), don’t leave stupid and suspect shit on social networking for the world to see like Facebook walls and Twitter pages. Must you respond to EVERYTHING he writes? How fucking looney do you look? Don’t be all coy and cutesy. A simple “hey wassup how’s the fam? “ or “That isht is funny” or just being in discussion is cool. Check yourself.
**BONUS: Let me also add some advice for MARRIED people with single friends. What goes on in your marriage..STAYS IN HOUSE! SO what..let them spill their guts to you..but it damn sure doesn’t work the other way around. Your sex life, finances, etc, stays between the two of you. That allows for that “so called friend” who may have ulterior motives, to sneak attack. Don’t let the devil in through the backdoor! Stay covered! Furthermore, bring your ass HOME at a decent hour. Nothing wrong with a night out with the boys or girls..but if you are walking through the door at 5 am..aint shit open that time of night but legs……so uhm..I hate to say it..but for a happy home..put yourself on a curfew that the two of you can agree on. PERIOD. If you are out and see a single friend, introduce your WIFE first...period. YOU set some boundaries. YOU set the tone of the relationship. It’s not about asking permission…it’s about
I hope that maybe this time next year, I get a wedding invitation in the mail from my boy… (and if I have a boo addressed properly of course )
July 23, 2010
- Sir Lucious Left Foot...the new Big Boi Album.
- Bon Jovi...they still rock (and Jon is still fine as hell!)
- summer rainstorms (did I say this already??)
- trying a new restauraunts.
- salmon benedict
- sipping wine on my patio (preferably with someone)
- RuPaul's Drag U
- my wedding CD. Even after 4 years that joint still bumps so hard! (LOL)
- all night Greek diners..(I LOVE diners...)
- someone massaging my temples
- little sweet text messages...just because
- PSYCH on USA (funny ass show! For real!)
- Where the hell is Outkast! Cmon now! *sigh*
- These occasional migraines
- Uhm...is this real??
- not meeting my dating goals..oh well.
- people who name drop..I dont care who you know. That doesnt impress me
- great first dates...that dont materialize into anything
- OR the fact that I wont sleep with you on date one..or two...you just cut off talking to me
- why my right contact feels so weird
- people who PRETEND to be in frats. WHY lord why? *smh* In this DAY and age!
- feeling like a hypocrite over my love life at times.
- being bored with my hair...I am THIS close to shaving my head
- the (ultimate) end of The Office
- too much silence.
- not being asked on a date in..................months.
- the fact that my biological clock is angry at me with no sperm in sight (Well..not in sight of my ..well..you get the point..LMAO!)
- the confusion in my heart.
July 21, 2010
In 1000 lifetimes
Atoning for past sins
Of our past ways
When our paths last crossed.
But what good will that do?
When the gift that the present is giving us
Is an opportunity to start like a blank slate?
With each other
We can keep living karmic existences
Endless suffering on the wheel of life
Repeating and replaying
The pain we’ve caused each other
But why do that?
When love like a seedling buried deep grows
Like a forgotten bloom that
Even without watering and tending.
Still manifests into beauty.
The beauty itself is forgiveness
I have not forgotten love
You have not forgotten love
I harbor in love’s purgatory
Between complete remorse and
We can’t go on living this way
Swimming in a sea of questions
“Have you ever?”
Coming up for air which is answers
Yet we get caught in the current of doubt
And drown in fear
We can apologize to each other
In 10,000 different ways
In 10,000 different languages
But why bother?
When our hearts know we are sorry
One chapter of our story complete
Yet the rest of the pages remain blank
I have quill
You have ink
Let’s finish it…..
July 16, 2010
July 14, 2010
Furthermore, she is supposed to have the best head technique that ever existed on the planet (hence the moniker "Superhead").. Well...I'd heard she done a porn with one of my favorite porn stars Mr. Marcus so of course I had to check it out (and my Frat told me to google it....darn you P!! *smh* )
Ok. A few things disturb me about this video. (And you all know I am going to have to critique it)
First off, I mean..ERRYBODY know thats you Superhead. Why not call yourself..SUPERHEAD. What's this "Honey" business? I'd be making mad loot off the name "Superhead". I'd copyright it...trademark it..get t-shirts printed (Ok..not really) but you get what I'm saying.
Secondly. the HELL you looking so damn busted. Porn girls usually have some of the flyest makeup and weave jobs on the planet. You look like the neighborhood hood rat! *smh* Hair aint done. Nails looking a mess. And the fake boobs! *sigh*...dissapointing!
Of course..Mr. Marcus was looking delicioso as usual. *wipes brow*..and his penis is gorgeous (as usual). So when they get to the head part...I had to do a step back...Did Mr Marcus had to jump off the chick? DAMN!
I mean...I personally felt she was using WAY too much hand movement...and it was obscuring my view of what she was doing with her jaws. AND she left out the balls! I mean cmon now! The balls are important too..as is the perinieum (that place between the balls and the well..butt..) So perhaps (as my ex said) her jaws have the "lock of life" on them. LMAO! But whatever she was doing, mad the usually unabashed Mr. Marcus have to back off of her. I had to give her props for that. She kept it sloppy, hot and wet....good for her. But the hand movement..what you doing? Playing the clarinet??? It's a PENIS! *smh*
When it got to the actual intercourse part, I let out a visible yawn. She was subpar at best. And Mr Marcus was OVERLY excited. I think it was more about him giving and recieving sex from SUperhead than it was about her actual vaginal action. She also talked WAY too much foR ME! Cmon chick..you aint the baddest in that area. Your nookie didnt look special..didnt have glitter come out of it when you got down..I didnt hear any music playing. Whatever..you were a boring lay.
All in all...she was....A+ with the head...and a C+ at best in taking the D....
I give this clip a 4.5 outta 5 for the HEAD.....and about a 3.5 outta 5 for the actual sex.
Superhead......you aiight! *kanyeshrug*
(I'm sure I could do better.........................Ok that's a lie..let me stop! LMAO!)
July 13, 2010
I have never tasted a Mocha Peach before, but if I had to guess its ingredients, I am willing to bet that it's sweet and juicy?
Oh my....*clutches pearls* Well..do you remember your first taste of peach cobbler: hot, sweet, juices running down your chin, decadent and rich. I'm sorta like that! :)
Posted by TheMochaPeach at 7:57 AM
My girl Cee said this after my last date.
He was…”different”. He had had experiences that I wasn’t accustomed to at all. He was a black man in a white frat. He skied and lived in different places like Mexico, Spain and Amsterdam. He grew up near the Catskills. His parents were very “white collar” who checked his English (which made me, the English major, even more self conscious not to slip into relaxed English). He loved the Dave Matthews Band. Most of his friends were white and upon inspection of his social networking pages, a lot of his friends who were brothers were married to non-black women. I’m not even sure his last few girlfriends were black. He said he was a great dancer and that his friends always say he’s a good dancer. (Uhm..around a bunch of white folks I’m sure I’d be a bomb dancer too! LOL). It was like I was on a date with my brother except he wasn’t gay (LOL). We met for lunch at a trendy local lounge walking distance from my job.
He asked about my taste in music….and the convo went something like this:
Him: Do you like Taylor Swift?
Me: No. Not a fan of her voice at all
Him: But she had one of the best produced albumbs of the year!
Me: *puzzled*. Uhm ok. I don’t care for her at all. She’s too dry and whiney
Him: I thought you said you had diverse musical taste and listened to everything
Me: I listen to everything. Doesn’t mean I like everything….
Him: You like Jodeci don’t you? And they are whiney
Me: They are an R&B band..whiney and begging comes with the territory
Talk about strange and awkward. (LMAO) He was relatively nice. However.. He wasn’t complimentary or anything. I had to check myself a few times to see if my attractiveness meter was off. I had the flawless makeup and stilettos on. Of course, he asked why I didn’t have a car and when I explained he sat there dumbfounded like “Uhm..interesting I guess”. Otherwise the conversation was pretty good. We went to a comedy club and I paid for our drinks out of gesture because 1) I didn’t want to make him think he’d spent a grip on the date. and 2) I don’t want him thinking I owed him anything.
After the date, things got interesting. He walked fast in front of me super fast getting to his car. When I was checking my phone (my mom and friends were asking was I ok), he felt I was attached to my Blackberry. I told him I was single and folks were checking on me. *shrug*. He also checked his Iphone but said “THIS was for work though”. (Like that makes it any better!) On the car ride home, of course he goes “Wow..you live so far”. (For the record… I live about 7 miles from Downtown Atlanta. This fool lives near the Airport..and hanging with your "friends" in Buckhead, Marietta, and Midtown isnt far?.) I let out a sigh…and just looked out the window. I misread a turn and he scoffed “Are you sure you are from Atlanta?” I cut him a dirty look and said “I don’t have my glasses on!”…
At my gate he hugged me and said “Thanks for inviting me out.” I said “Yeah it was fun! Maybe we can hang near Poncey-Highland…I’m really close”. He goes..”Eh..well..this is kinda far to be hanging out…” Kinda far huh? I let out a half smile and walked through the gate near my place. I heard his SUV pull off as I sat near my pool…. My first thought was..”I hope he finds the white girl he’s looking for”. When I got inside he sent a text: "Ok. I'm home. Thx". That was it.
The next day I hit him on instant messenger and the conversation wasn't nearly as lively as before. Oh well. My girls commended me on taking chances and going against my normal “type” and being a risk taker and putting myself out there. I wasn't judgemental about dude although he seemed rather judgemental about me. My friend, the psychologist, said he seemed to have a prototype and isn't sure why he’s delving back into “chocolate” because he seems like he’s “strayed”. I guess dude was a little left of the “black” center..but black folks aren’t a monolithic people. I’m not that naïve to think that these kind of folks don’t exist. Why did dude even agree to go out and meet me? Was it the free tickets? It’s pretty obvious I’m a “soul sista” and perhaps a bit “soulful” for the Carlton Banks type of brother. (LOL). The prefect dude would have Carlton Banks’ ambition and drive mixed with some Fresh Prince street smarts and sensibility. Dude was more Carlton Banks….painfully. And perhaps he needs a Hillary…or Hillary’s white friend (lol)
Yes…I am a complete soul sista. From my head to my manicured toes. I’m definitely a lock-rocking, Eric Roberson listening, VH1 Soul watching sista…
…who needs a soul brother. A brother with the perfect balance of soul…and substance. No he doesnt have to be from the block..but Imma need his black card to be with an unlimited balance and not about to be revoked.
I guess I’ll patiently wait.
…to be continued…
July 12, 2010
You are sitting on the couch with your boo.....again..
Law and Order SVU marathon on USA is on...again....
You yawn....He adjust himself.......AGAIN.
Here we go again.....
You look over to your man and go..."Why dont you take me OUT anymore??"
He rolls his eyes.........
What HE Says:
Look. I've gone out in my 20's and teens. I'm TIRED of going out. Aint shit out there in the streets. I WANNA spend the TIME with you. Why must I spend all this money? Why you always gotta GO Somewhere all the time? It aint no special occasion! It's not our anniversary..or birthday or holiday! We go on a few trips a year. And yes..going OUT in the city is a trip too! I did all that stuff when we were dating. We are a COUPLE now. Isnt that what you wanted? Whats wrong with just saying in the house? Ive done all my running around. I'm settled.... IM TIRED! I work all day! I just wanna chill! And I wanna chill with you, babe! Besides..why cant we do what I wanna do?
What does the WOMAN hear: "He is just plain LAZY and uncreative! He's boring..."
What SHE says:
Why does it have to be about MONEY? Sure we can get a pizza and watch a Redbox movie...but we can also just do something like go to the park....or have a walk..a picnic...or go eat ice cream! It's about effort and time! I want balance. We can stay home AND go out sometimes. We dont have to do anything fancy! And why does it have to be just for a special occassion??? That isnt fair to me! I work hard! I want to have a little fun! See people! Do things. Not be all couped up in the house!!! I'm tired of you eating all my food up! All you wanna do is the same thing.....eat, sleep watch TV and do it!!!"
What does the MAN hear: "She is just NEVER satisfied! It's always about HER. Im not important unless we running the streets, spending cash and catering to her."
We have all been in this situation. After a while in a relationship, things get to the point where it gets stale. The man feels settled. The woman feels bored...and those famous words come out of her mouth.
July 11, 2010
I just don't LIKE her right now.
I was born and raisedi n ATL. I will rep ATL (Decatur/Gresham Park) till I die. I love what ATL used to be: sleepy yet growing Southern metropolis that played by its own rules (backwards as some seemed) and did it's own thing..carving out a niche in becoming a great city. It's still becoming a great city, flaws and all. We have our little quaint spots..and plenty of green trees (probably one of the greenest major cities I know)
However, I HATE what ATL has become: overpopulated, pretentious, and full of people who thought it was the land of milk and honey..selling pipe dreams..thinking it is Black Hollywood (Or Gay Black Hollywood if you ask some)..trying to rub elbows with ballers and shot callers, fake, fake and UBER fake and people with an "entitled" attitude.
Truth of the matter is...ATL is some of that. And none of that. And MOST of that...is killing my love life.
When I was in high school and college, not to brag, but I had absolutely NO problem getting a dude. I went on dates..lots of them. I wasn't what you call a "club hopper" but I did my fair share. In 2001, I moved to North Carolina for Graduate School..I came back in 2003..and it seemed overnight my little city had changed. BUT..I barely noticed it. I was settling into trying to find a gig..I was already in a relationship with a man who would become my husband (who moved to ATl from another city Los Angeles...to start over and be with me) ..and I went on with my life. No one told me (or maybe I didnt pay attention to them when they did) that ATL was a cesspool of foolishness and skullduggery! *smh*
I can tell you, as a native ATLien what ATL IS:
It is so much of that and more.
Most of all..it's a place where the men are outnumbered by women: smart, beautiful, and thick women *wink* (LOL) So in dating and mating...the key word is :CHOICE. It's not about the gay folks here. It's about supply and demand here. Nice girls arent in demand (although men may claim they are)...it's about HOES (if you wanna be frank). Slut it out..get you a man..whether temporary or permanenet gigs. They are hiring for hoes (LOL).
There is an abundance of choice. Dont be a black man with a degree..half-way good job...it's like "B*TCH..you outta be GLAD someone is checking for you! It's plenty of chicks here". They want you to sweat them..YOU chase them. Aint that about a b*tch! Chivalry and dating logic is just thrown OUT the door. They have a serious rotation going on. Not to mention...you have to contend with the Latinas and white women and etc....this is the New South..you might get a look for a hot second..but interracial dating isnt a big taboo. The men have the upper hand. And as long as there is choices...no one is settling down (and if they do..it's much later). Men expect you to have your own too. Dont have your own place? Whats wrong with you? Dont have a car? Dont expect me to pick you up! Oh...it's like that. Trust me. They feel like they dont have to put forth too much effort because, well..they are the endangered species. They are what's hot in the streets!
And conversely, women have it in their heads on this "Im independent..I make my own money..etc. I WANT a man but I dont need a man"-tip, reading The Conversation and Steve Harvey's book like it's the Bible... Yet are lonely than ever. I am sorry..I wont advise my college educated sister to marry a Mickey Ds worker (UNLESS he is trying to own some franchises...) but it's tough. So many of US..so few of them. And because of the small population of men...women are getting a bit desperate. Some dont care about sharing dudes. Some dont care WHAT kinda piece of man they have...as long as they have one. Sometimes you and your girlfriend have dated the same man...............*shrug*. Dont be college educated, GREEK, go to certain churches, and some other factors..the circle gets smaller and smaller of eligability. Everyone here knows everyone who is Black in this town.
My male friends tell me all the time "Atlanta has Quantity..but not Quality". I dont get it. What the hell are you looking for? Just make the most of it. Find a good woman and stick with her. This isnt a rental car spot. You cant keep test driving chicks until you want to buy. That gets expensive (lol) and old.
I wish I could roll back the clock of ATL to 1999..right after the Olympics...it was a better place then. *shrug*
I wish ATL would return to those carefreee days....but I doubt it.
It's been corrupted.
....I'll just move to NYC (LOL)
July 10, 2010
July 9, 2010
- Atlanta PRE-2000
- Centennial Park and free concerts
- ice cream cones from Bruster's
- reggae clubs *smile*....
- cold Chic-Fil-A Lemonade (Oh..and the new spicy sammich! YUMM!)
- cruising down Peachtree
- The Beautiful restauraunt
- BBQ (esp. corn on the cob)
- the excitement of the NBA Free Agency (but it's still a modern day slave auction..*smh*)
- NFL pre-season is mere months away! *jumps up and down*
- chocolate skin with dimples *sigh*
- Compliments....(esp in Summer! All this effort I go through! Pedis, Manis, Brazilians! *smh*)
- This new Big Boi album...on fiyah!
- Being a FOR REAL..Georgia Peach! Nothing like it! :)
- Atlanta POST-2000
- My job, due to a contract w/ Coca Cola REFUSES to sell Chick Fil A Lemonade..yet we have one here! *smh*
- trying to run a mile in this heat
- People who think Gladys Knights is "authentic" ATL food (Or Justins..*smh*) Negative!
- My Ipod is doing wonky things..like shuffling all my songs! So weird!
- The media trying to make me care about Lebron or Lindsey Lohan...
- The idea of Shaq coming to the Hawks
- those ugly ass gladiator sandals...
- Nervousness about starting PhD program...scared to death really
- How my dating adventures have turned out
- Men who just want to play the field..and women who allow it
- Drake's "Thank Me Later"..his mixtape was so much better
July 8, 2010
Does that even make SENSE to you? In what realm of math and equations and Google algorithms does that even add up?
You go out one time...the second date you want sex?
You go ask someone out and dont pay....and yet expect them to give you some ass AND pay for their food?
You call a person, they never communicate and only want you around when they want you around.
You see where I'm going with this....
I think dating should be about putting in the most effort to get to know someone and hoping (at least) for the greatest outcome possible The greatest outcome shouldnt even be about sex. It's about learning someone new, having new experiences, and making a new friend (with the hopes of something more). In this generation of entitled and spoiled brats, we dont want to work for anything. We want it all the easy way and dont want to work for anything. That includes relationships.
I personally don't mind a little hard work, especially for something I want so badly. And yes..that includes love and a meaningful relationship. I'll go that extra mile for a man I deem special. Buf if I see that those efforts arent being reciprocated, then it is definitely time to fall back. Why do all the work and have nothing to show for it?
Part of the rewards of love is actually feeling like you worked toward it. The satisfaction you feel when you know that person cares about you. The ups and downs are minor problems to the greater good. It's like solving that really hard word problem. You didnt think you'd make it but you did. In dating, it's the courting and the getting to know you that leads up to the long lasting love.
I just want it all to add up again for a new generation of lovers.
Especially for me.....
July 7, 2010
Stepping slowly to the beat
Between you and me
Your hands on my hips
And guide me to the rhythm
Lighters in the air
But there is nothing but silence between you and me
I feel the sweat on your cheek
Pressed up against me
Bodies In sync
Meant to meet
A crowd all around
But together we are escaping
via pulsating cadence
You stand so close to me
I can feel your heartbeat
Hair on my neck
Your fingers intertwine with mine
Suddenly there is no sound
To the beat
In crowded the dancehall
It’s just you in me
Sex in clothes
In syncopated beats
At this moment
You and Me
July 6, 2010
…especially with my father.
She and my father have been married for well over 34 years. With all of the cheating, lies and making kids outside of their marriage (and expecting her to accept all of that) and abuse, my mother has yet to waiver in who she is- a forgiving and loving person (and a dutiful wife.)
She caters to my father-making sure his meals are made and his needs are met. When we go out, she orders him food or takes her leftovers. She always gets him a birthday gift and remembers their anniversary. She rarely raises her voice to him even when he yells. She just lets things go.
When I was younger, I used to think she was a complete doormat. “I don’t understand why she won’t stay mad at him!” I would think. In actuality, she’s probably one of the strongest women I know. As I got older she confessed to me why she stayed with my father. She said “He may not respect my vows but I do. I know when my last days are here, I’ve done my part in my marriage”. I can’t say I’ve grown that much as a woman. Besides the fact that my mother and I are from different generations, I definitely wasn’t there in my own marriage. If I was, I probably wouldn’t have gotten a divorce.
In terms of my own relationships (especially with men), I will say that my ability for forgiveness has grown leaps and bounds. I was able to eventually forgive my ex husband and grow a better friendship with him. I told myself that if I was able to forgive him, then I can open myself up, heal my heart, and be able to love again.
Someone recently accused me of being jaded (and even bitter). A few blogs, tweets and Facebook statuses, and people think they have you all figured out. Well...they are wrong. I am hopelessly romantic. I truly love men. I love love. I really don’t hold grudges too long. One of my fellow bloggers said it’s virtually impossible for Southern women to be bitter and unforgiving. I laughed but he might be right. I think of all of the hurt and pain the women in my family went through. Marriages to wife beaters, drug addicts, cheaters and liars. This isnt to say that they didn't have their own faults but they were able to forgive and eventually love again. I only have one aunt that is bitter, resentful and unforgiving. As a result, it has been nearly 10 years since her last relationship or physical contact with a man. Truth of the matter is, she is lonely and defeated. I definitely don’t want to be her. I want to love again.
So I say to the man I will love:
I already forgive you for the mistakes you will make...the chances you will take...the hurt you may cause and the human being that you are.
I already forgive you for the words you will say and the words you WONT say.
I already forgive you. Because I already love you
Now and forever more.
July 4, 2010
July 3, 2010
Are you good in bed? Yes, I understand that you are a V.A.S., but I really want to know if you are quite the treat in bed?
What the hell is V.A.S?? Perhaps if I knew what that was I'd answer the question. Then again..what person would say they sucked in bed *shrug*.
Posted by TheMochaPeach at 10:56 PM
July 2, 2010
I mean ALL WEEKEND.
Friday at 5 pm to Monday night at Midnight.
I want my sheets soaked with sweat
I wanna just get up to eat food and go to the bathroom.
I dont wanna shower. I wanna lay in the scent of him...(whoever HIM is)
Who cares about 4th of July fire works when I'd have some in my bedroom.
Hot, nasty freaky sex
I mean I need dude to beat it out the frame.......
Maxwell..Raheem..Trey..Usher..Robin...in the background.
Then again all I wanna hear is his moan and grunts...
..and the sound of wetness...
I want my legs bent to my ears
I want my punnany sore..so sore I need an icepack
I want to go through 3 bottles of lube
If dude is darkskinned..I wanna suck his D*CK till he's lightskinned (and vice versa....)
If I must be clothed..I just want to be in his t-shirt
I want his cologne in my pillows
I wanna scratch his back all the way up
I want him to suck on perfectly manicured toes
I want to grab his tight, muscular ass..
I want my palms sweaty from his palms
I want my voice hoarse from screaming his name
I want my locs pulled tightly around his hands....
I want my neighbors to call the police....
I want to need a new mattress and boxspring
I wanna fuck so hard I HOPE he gets me pregnant...........
Yep...I'd rather be doing that this weekend.
July 1, 2010
Well for one..it was funny! And secondly..I do feel it's overrated. I love men and there is only so much of ME I can take, ya dig? BOB still is my boy but...let's be real. Women are all internal..we cant do but so much for ourselves. *shrug* Just keeping it 100!
Posted by TheMochaPeach at 4:06 PM
Even though I shouldn’t be
Dangerous mind game
I smell your aura
All in my clothes…in my hair..
Of my being says you’re bad
Lust says otherwise
Dimly lit French bar
The heat between us sticky
Sweat runs down my spine
You love the way that
I drank water through my straw
Imagine lips curled around…
You’re so bad you’re good
So arrogant …it’s sexy
Loathe yet lust for you
You’re on my mind
I wonder if I’m on yours
A deadly combination
For bad decisions
The dangers of you
Outweight safety of my heart