August 29, 2009

Love's Cyrano

Are you a "Cyrano"?

If you all are familiar with the story of Cyrano, you know it's a classic comedy of errors in every sense of the word. The story is simple: Flawed Boy Loves Girl but Girl Loves Another Beautiful (yet dumb) Boy, Flawed Boy uses Another Beautiful Boy's face..yet his words to seduce Girl. Girl Loves Beautiful Boy because she thinks that his words match the beauty of his face.....only to realize when it's too late that it's Flawed Boy's words that she loves.....and falls in love with him.....yet it's too late. You took too long to overlook his he's gone.

I've been Love's Cyrano. They see your face...body...hear the words that come from your mouth as melodious as ever. But they desire someone else. Your flaws, whatever they may be to them and perhaps not even to your knowledge, can't be overlooked by them. It's as if you are the archetype of the "quirky best friend" that you see in movies. Except, your quirk is getting in the way of them really "seeing you" for who you are. They can't see that you are madly adoring love them. Sometimes you don't even know what the quirk or flaw is in yourself.....sometimes you do.

You say all the things you want them to hear. The accolades. The praise. The fawning. You adore them. You say everything they want to hear. You do everything they want you to do. . Because you aren't wrapped up in the pretty package that they's not enough. Your Quirks. Your Flaws. They are getting in the way. You don't have the status. You don't have the right title. You don't have the right look. You are Cyrano...and they want Roxanne.... You speak beauty but they want beauty.

Have you ever been Love's Cyrano?

August 28, 2009

Life's Magic Eraser

I went to the store the other day to pick up one of the coolest things that they ever invented (IMO) for the home...the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser! I love that sucker! Now they got all different versions of it.... (Trust me it is not a game! I am totally addicted to the Magic Eraser brands...LOL)

As I was using it....a thought came to my head. I wish life had a "magic eraser". I'd just line by line...bit by bit...erase the shit that I went through.

My HS boyfriend (and high school in general...)....erased!

My wedding/marriage....erased!

The decision to NOT go to NYC....erased.

My weight gain......erased

Those "encounters" with certain people....erased.

So-called friends.....erased.

They say we are the sum total of our experiences. While I feel that is true...that still doesn’t make me regretful for things I've done in my life...or wished I could do over.

So what is life's magic eraser:







Those things help to smooth over past experiences and create new ones constantly! It helps us to keep moving....I don’t regret MOST things I have done in life (let me stress most...cause some sh*t I just had to ask Jesus for forgiveness...*smh* ) because they help to shape who I am...what I am..And where I am going in life.

But I still wish I had a magic eraser...sometimes...

August 27, 2009

Singlehood: The Sequel

With my divorce on 9 months behind me, I am sitting here thinking about me and what it means to be single again. What lessons do I need to glean from being married...what lessons can I take with me into being single?

One lesson I learned was to ALWAYS trust your instincts. I had my doubts about things and was very instinctive about them...and without a doubt...they did not fail me. I think instinct is merely God showing you the way....the truth...and the light.

Be specific about WHO it is you want. I think maybe I was too general.........I shoulda been specific about who I wanted as a mate.

I also learned that whoever a person shows you to the absolute truth. You can try and paint a picture in your mind about them...but they already showed you who they

I also learned that love is not enough. A marriage takes planning, preparation, financial and emotional discipline......and spiritual guidance.

I learned that I am on God's time table. Apparently this all was planned for me to go through......

I know you not only have to be equally yoked spiritually...but financially as well.

I learned that my self-esteem is critical to what I will and will not take in a relationship.....
My own happiness comes before anyone else's...PERIOD.

I deserve the best in everything: respect, time, love, sexual affection, temperament....I deserve nothing but the best. Not because I'm snobby or conceited...but because I am worthy.


I'm not all pumped and amped to be single. I really am not. The GTG I am had right before the divorce was simply to comfort me during this time.... not to get down and party hard...I needed the energy. I needed the support. I can’t stay in my cocoon but for so long.... I got to get the swagger back.

When I was out this weekend shortly after the divorce...I definitely was feeling something. I winked at a dude at the bar.....LMAO! He was like...”hmmm..." LMAO!

I have a lot of challenges ahead of me. I know that there will probably be a second time around for me. How long it will last...or when it will occur...I'm not really sure. But I know I was fashioned to be a good wife and maybe even a good mother.............and one bump in the road isn't going to stop that. I am a beautiful, sexy, and dynamic woman with goals and a good head on my shoulders. I wasn’t fashioned to be married the way that I was in the past....and that is what I know now.

I know that whatever I am going making me stronger. A diamond starts off as a lump of coal...but with time...pressure...and a good amount of patience....they are created brilliant. And I am hoping this is what this teaches me.

I believe in my heart...what God has for me is for me! The righteous are never forsaken....that is for sure. I'm not trying to get's just true.

August 26, 2009

The Itch

I am 30. I am divorced. I'm in debt. I sold my still new house I have no car. I hate my job. I still don't have my Ph.D. I never had children with my ex husband. I've never been pregnant or had a real scare. I’m not dating anyone and don’t have any real prospects

...yet and still... I want to have a baby.

All around me...friends are getting pregnant or working on baby #1...or even #2. I'm so happy and overjoyed for them. Honestly...I shouldn't even be thinking about this. I just sold my house (which had plenty of room for children). I am getting out of a marriage and dating again. I am trying to get my finances in order. I am trying to lose more weight and obtain some goals. But something about me pains for a child of my own. I feel like there is hole in my heart.... I had resolved myself to adopt or even be a fantastic step mother (if I were to ever get married again). I mean...years ago I had resolved to not even be a mother at all...and as my marriage went south...I just couldnt see bringing a kid into the world. But now...I turn 30...and the itch is stronger than ever.

I see babies on the train...I try not to stare and I just smile.If I stare too long, sometimes girls will ask...”Do you want to hold her?" and sometimes I say no...When deep down I want to say yes...and rock them in my arms. Sometimes these young chicks with tons and tons of kids...and I dont understand how God gave them kids...and gave me none. I hold my little cousins just a bit tighter. I rub their faces and make silly noises and laugh. I play with their hair. I get excited for baby showers and spend an absurd amount of cash on baby clothes. I see pregnant women at the gynecologist and want to scream.

I went to the gyno one rainy Tuesday in April for my annual appointment. And she gave me the whole inquiry spill...”So you are 30...are you thinking of getting pregnant? Do you want to get off birth control?” When I told her I was divorced and I had no real prospects of that...I heard the words come out my mouth...but I had no idea that while I was saying eyes dropped big fat tears. She handed me a tissue and said...”Hmm...You really don't need to get off the birth control. No harmful effects will occur if you stay on. still have a little bit of time...” A little bit of time??? It seems like yesterday I had the world on platter. I was young and carefree. I was really looking forward to so much. Now my womb has a time table on it....I never believe in the biological clock even existed until March 1 rolled around. I was like...” granny had a baby at great-granny had a baby at 47...SURELY...I can have a baby whenever...”

I mean...she said my uterus was clear. I had no cysts on my tubes....any endometriosis...why is she stressing about my age?? Is it because I'm black??? Is it because black women often deliver prematurely? We often have so much trouble conceiving at ANY age?

When I hear one of my guy friends tell stories about his is daughter was learning to ride her bike without the training his son did in the track meet...or how his daughter lost her first tooth...I feel some sorta way. He spoils his kids (because he doesn’t see them that often)...and honestly...I'm jealous. I wish I had kids to spoil. He was on the phone with me when he was picking up his daughter from school...I heard her say "Hey Daddy!!!"...and he said...”Hey Daddy's Baby!!!" I had tears in my eyes....*sigh*

Sometimes I get mad at my ex because I figured around this time I would have had a baby....but then I am grateful because I probably would have been resentful. I would have had a miserable pregnancy and been sad...due to all the other drama going on. A baby would have made complicated. I know I was born to be a wife...some women are just bred that way. Packing lunches...picking out ties....running baths. I did all of that. I adored doing that. I cherished doing that. It just took me longer to realize that being a mother would also be my heart's desire. That maybe I am cut out for that as well.

I've picked out names. I am dead set on the name for the girl....(but because of how it was revealed to me, I won't say what it is). For a boy...I've always liked "Toussaint" (but I'm not dead set on it, either....). I fear yet am excited at the prospect of one day changing diapers (which I've never done), breastfeeding, reading to my baby...learning how to do hair...seeing my son's first haircut......singing silly songs..Making baby food....playing dress up....cheering my son at his football game....I get so emotional.....I really want that for myself. The thought of having a child alone (without a husband) isn’t something that I want...but...I'm also prepared for that as well. I know I want to share my life with someone. Because I know I have love to give. It seems a bit selfish I guess. But not really....I just got the gene rather late.

Only God has the final say...He is the holder of life's hourglass. I know He answers prayers. And it is my prayers to one day have a child...whether it is naturally or otherwise. Whether it is with my next husband or not....Whether I adopt or conceive....

All I can say is...I'll be ready....God willing...

August 25, 2009

Learning to L.O.L.

I think my new mission for the rest of the year..besides the 50-Eleven others that I have to try to live my life with more L.O.L moments...

I want to Laugh Out Loud

I want to Live Out Loud

I want to Learn Out Loud

I want to Love Out Loud

I want to Lead out Loud

I most def want my year leading up to my 30's to be a more "out loud" experience. So much of me is so shy and I bury things deep inside of the person that I am. I know somewhere the "real me" is bursting and waiting to come out and introduce herself to the world. I thought my 20's was going to do that for me....In person..I am much more reserved than words on a screen could ever display. I may smile and laugh...but is it "heart felt". I want my smiles and laughter and joy to just come bursting from my pores to where when I walk into a room....everyone takes notice. Not in a :vain" sort of way..but in a way that is just one of positive energy. I want to love so much that it hurts in a good way...I want to lead and be respected...I want to live a life so full and rich.....I want to laugh so that it's infectious!

I vow from this day forth to live, love, learn, lead, and laugh...all OUT LOUD!

August 24, 2009


Anyone who knows me knows that I am NOT a Beyonce fan? UGH! NOT....with a passion..I can not STAND her. But when I was asking my friends to help me compile a list of "Get ya Freak On" songs for my IMEEM player..her song "Speechless" kept coming up so I decided to listen to it...

As I'm listening to the lyrics (and ignoring her airy vibrato which annoys me like crazy)...I started to think. Has any man EVER made me speechless? I mean literally took my breath away and made me forget the English language? Has any man made me want to stay up and wait on him all night long..just to make hot, sweaty sticky love to them?

The answer: No.

I hate to sound totally I guess I'll sound SEMI pessimistic and say...for me..that dude would have to be Hill Harper and a bunch of other sexy things wrapped in one for me to literally lose all function of my brain to where I couldn’t speak.Not saying it isn't impossible...I'm just saying this 29 year old woman has yet to experience that..EVER.BUT....I'd love to see how it feels just once.

Where I lock eyes on a man across the room and without saying a word we become a ball of chemistry and energy that with a single look can set the place on fire....Where nothing but our bodies speak their own language.....where I cant come up with a word to describe the incredible feeling (not all together sexual) that this person makes me feel.....I mean..not saying it'll happen....OR if I even WANT it to happen....or if it CAN happen.....

I'm just saying..To be "speechless"...what does it mean? Do our bodies talk and I not speak? DO you know my thoughts before I reveal them? Am I unable to muster the right words in every English and Romantic language to describe your sexy self???? I mean..what does it mean to be "totally speechless".

I'll never know..well..I won't say NEVER...I don't know as of right now.......But...I'd love to meet the man who would have me that way. NOT saying anything can happen...NOT saying it would............

I'm just saying.............any man like that deserves an award in my book....

August 23, 2009

Bare Naked

Have you ever just stood in a full length mirror and looked at yourself totally naked?

Do you like what you see?

Do you revel in your beauty and find the beauty in your unique quirks that some may see as "flaws"?

Do you like what God has created?Or do you point out every flaw you have and wish it was erased?

Do you pick out what makes you sad and disgusted?

I think true nakedness is the inability to cloak and hide your emotions. Being raw with emotion and not hiding who you really are.Why would you want to live an "emotionally covered" life? Nothing is real. It's all done in shame and vanity......Is your bare nakedness truly what's ugly?? Or is it just a manifestation of your emotional un-prettiness?


August 22, 2009

Living The Life Of Charlotte

Long ago..I remember that I wanted to lead a life like "Carrie Bradshaw". You know...the shoes..the endless men..Mr. Big....the fabulous apartment..the style.. Glamour.....the creative job and the endless events in a fast-paced city. took her almost 10 years to finally nail Big down..and even then (as we saw in the movie)..that created a problem...that eventually was painstakingly resolved.

Do I really need that kind of drama? (I will, however, take the shoes.....)

But..maybe...just maybe....I'd rather have a life like "Charlotte York". I'm reminded of how she married Trey-gorgeous, beautiful but with mother issues and sexual problems. They divorce and she is left to pick up the pieces of her fairytale she was trying to build.

In the end, she mets Harry. A man totally not her "type" (bald, hairy, and a different religion too)....but worshipped the ground she walked on...who adored her. And didnt give her what she "wanted" (as Trey had given her)...but what she "needed". She had "stability"....and always bet on that...although she lamented through her dating trials

"I've been dating since I was 15..WHERE IS HE???"

Yes...I'd rather live a life like Charlotte least...that's what I'm learning.

August 20, 2009

The Digital D*ckTease

In this new age of dating and mating (and just befriending)...and with the advent and overuse of the internet, text messages, and camera phones...we have really grown to have a lack of interpersonal relationships with the opposite sex. Once upon a time, cybersex was seen as creepy and a little weird. Webcams used by old pervs to show their dicks...but nowadays...anyone...your BFF, a guy you're digging, and even a guy you're not and are totally platonic...will bust out with a photo op to show their private parts. It's like...”Here's a pic of my new new car....want to see my dick???" LMAOO!

Instead of waiting to see the goods and build up anticipation, it's like we have to see a "preview" of what we are getting before or IF we even get it (even if we want it or not..And you might not get it...LMAO!). Then after you get the preview....they want the show...the after party...then the hotel (God...I love LOVE that Jodeci Album...LMAO!). It's like they want the "Naughty Girl/Guy" before they get to know the "Nice Girl/Guy". The kids these days call it “sexting”

I admit...when you're bored...sometimes you'll play along. LOL...but now it's like the new game in dating (and not even dating...just... human interaction) is "Show me yours...and I'll show you mine"...or "Let me just show u mine...." LMAO! I call it the "Digital DickTease". Instead of actually developing a relationship with you (platonic or romantic or hell...neither just NORMAL)... folks want you to be able to stroke their dicks via the digital medium of their choosing. Whatever gets them off...gets them off. If you choose to play along...God pray that the person you are playing "Digital DickTease" with wont use your pics as ammunition for something later...and that you won't do that same to them.

I guess those are the unspoken rules: discretion is key. I've been told more than once about how "discreet" the encounter can be......and that's fine. Sometimes you are pleasantly surprised. Sometimes you get hot and bothered. Sometimes you laugh (most times you laugh...LOL)...and a lot of times it can be so over the top that you just want to barf. Sometimes people even send video of themselves in "action" a video sexual resume. Cumshots for everybody!!

Now that I am back out here dating...I swear to you...every guy I've ever mentioned having a single conversation or encounter with (just about 95% of them) have played the "Digital Dicktease" game...more often it's just random and unsolicited. LOL.

My question is: Are we that oversexed?

Or just that undersexed and repressed in America? I'm just curious. Do you play these games? Do you feel guilty or free when you do?

The Direct Approach

On my FB status one day .......I jokingly (well..with a half-truth) say:

Tee is wondering if the direct approach in dating can work.What if saying, "Look.. I'm 30. Been divorced. Got no time to waste.What the hayle you want??"would work? LMAO!

Now..this isn't to say on a first date..I'd just bust out with this stuff. BUT,...If I put my sh*t out there..and get down to the "crust" of a muthaf*cker (as Chris Rock says)...would a dude be able to handle it. Would I weed out the weak and feeble from the strong? Would I be able to see if a man is worth the time and effort? On friends were like " might work". One certain someone said..."Uhm...that ain't gonna work..try again". LMAO! Of course, he was a dude.........

What if, after a few dates (as in..more than 4....), I tell a dude..

"Look...I'm 30. I've been divorced. I know all the games. I dont want my time wasted nor do I want to waste yours. I have no kids but I want them. I want to get remarried and I don't date for "sport". I'm not trying to have a cut-buddy, an FWB, or a jump-off. I got debt but I'm working on it. My credit is not perfect by any means. Family means a lot to me. I want a Ph.D and need a dude to understand my time is precious. I'm 30. I want to be remarried and with a kid ................Yes I'm natural. No I'm not changing my hair. I am comfortable in my skin...can you handle this??"

That is just about the crust and crux of who I am (not toally..but...just the surface) Now..I think a poor dude would probably run for cover OR...he'd play the game till he THOUGHT he had a chance at the booty. I know that game. Read my lips. I KNOW that whether I choose to play or my own discretion. I said before...I just don't want to waste my time.

So...does the direct approach work? Or just scare dudes off?


August 19, 2009

The Hook-Up

Hook-Ups are ok...

...just as long as you follow the 6 S's.
and most of all... Salaried (lol)

These days, everyone wants to try and hook me up. And let it be known...I am OPEN to hook-ups. But...people tend to forget about the 6 S's...... (particularly relatives and mothers...LOL). So I have to stress that to people.

I want Hill Harper/Common/Boris...with a dash of Dhani Jones and G. Garvin...with some Barack Obama swagger and Cornel West-smarts.......rolled into one man! Now...if I can find a man that damn cool..........I've hit the jackpot! (And don’t let him have an Idris Elba type’s OVAH, honey!)

Perhaps, I am too picky...but I mean really...I know I can't find that EXACT dude...but I can get a "replica". Like a great replica Louis Vuitton...lmao! ATL...I dont expect to find the real thing...or the replica. Even my eye doctor wants to hook me up...and I am so skeptical cause he is sort of like my I said before...I'm open.

Ultimately...the man who comes along should who happens to steal my heart........should be able to enhance my life, not added layers upon layers of drama into it. I don't want baby mama issues. I don’t want silly ex wife issues. I don’t want bad ass kids (or kids that I just adore and get WAY too attached to....and it ends). I don’t want crazy ex's coming out the woodworks. I don’t want a lazy man. I don’t want a man with no real goals. I don’t want a man who is still hung up on his ex...I don’t want a man with sexual perversions or unrealistic expectations. I don’t want a man with no Godly order to his life. I don’t want a man who is a liar, cheater...and half-a man (i.e. sharing him with someone else..........). I want someone who cherishes me. and does the little things. I want someone who wants some of the same things I do.....I want someone who doesn’t complete me. I'm a whole person....I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy...but...part of the goals in my life also include another person...which is a strange dichotomy to be in......

August 16, 2009

He Hates She

On my commute to work..I had a thought. I don’t think men these days like women.

I don’t mean that are batting for the other team or something...I just don’t think they care for women too much. Just this generation of men....They would rather play video games..then go on a date. They don't really call like they should. They don’t want to spend no money..not because they are broke..just because they don't want to. LMAO! They think chivalry is ancient.....and they are all into self.

Romance has long been dead....and they are just self-serving. self-righteous, bastards. They aren't worried about building with a woman. They don't care about love or companionship until they are old and gray and realized they wasted the vast majority of their 20's and 30's being "carefree" when that could have been the time to cultivate a few good relationships. They are either so career driven they feel like women are a "distraction" or "not needed"...or they are so lazy they feel women are "a way to come up". Sex is just an activity to fill a void.....making love isn't really there anymore. They are more picky about the kind of woman they want...and won't "settle". Not that settling is a good thing...but it's like they are trying to attain something totally impossible.....They would rather engage in self-destructive behavior (cheating, one night stands, long standing affairs that don’t materialize into commitment, just shaking up....)... rather than forging a healthy relationship. They say stupid sh*t like "Marriage aint for me" or "I cant be faithful to one chick". How do you know if you never really TRY and put forth any effort?'

Yet we love them still....go figure!

So what's a woman to do? What are we as HUMAN BEINGS to do? We are not solitary creatures. Men cant just "do them" and women just "Do them" day we have to come together and form a community. Everyone needs companionship and love. This solitary confinement isn't healthy. It certainly isn’t conducive to growing and birthing and developing a healthy, family dynamic and community. So do we just not wait on men...

I am a firm believer that a man SEEKS a woman..not the other way around. And certainly overly aggressive women aren't all that attractive to men......but there isn’t a balance! You just can't win if a man just isn't interested in "women" right now. I know so many men who are like "I’m happily single". Are you really????? Or is that a front because you are so lonely that you don’t know where to turn or go? You are just stuck.....With all that said...I'm going to be single a LONG damn time..........I don’t know..that was just on my mind today..............*shrug*

20 Things I Love About Men

1. Tattoos: I love tattoos. Very well placed tattoos. Something about well drawn ink on brown skin is so sexy. Now...I’m not a fan of brands and never have been...but I LOVE tattoos

.2. Straight White Teeth: If you got a gaps (not a little cute gap) and crooked yellow teeth…keep it moving or I can recommend my orthodontist. I have straight white teeth and you should have the same…. and a brother with a beautiful smile makes me melt. Bonus-if you got dimples, you might as well say you have it made

3. Clear Skin: Bumpy faces and craters need not apply. Clear even skin means you take care of yourself from the inside as well as out. I’m not a complexion freak. You can be super light or super dark. But if your skin is smooth….that’s even hotter.

4. Facial Hair: A brother with a well groomed goatee, beard, or moustache just looks good. It has a grown and mature look. I just think a brother with no facial hair looks like a little boy. A beard groomed with a straight edge razor. Goodness! Brothers just need facial hair to me (Like Obama would look SO FLY with a goatee. but I guess that wouldn’t appeal to the masses….whatever)

5. Lips: Smooth, uncrusty lips. I mean...nuff said. And not too big like soup coolers or yams…and not too thin…just right.

6. Hair: I got love for the bald brothers but hair is just so much sexier. A nice Cesar fade…big curly hair. Or locs (actually...I’m kind of over the whole loc thing on men...). But you get my drift. Hair looks so much better. Add that to a goatee…woo! You get no cool points if you got hairy hands, butts or back...that’s just gross!

7. Nice hands: Nothing wrong with a brother getting a manicure (or a pedicure) crusty hands and heels are not the business. It isn’t sexy playa….

8. Body: I’m not a skinny girl so I can’t be all like “I like muscle bound men”. I mean you don’t have to be all ripped...but being morbidly obese is not sexy either. If you care about your care about your health.

9. Accents: That’s just me being greedy! LMAO! British accents...Carribean Accents…French Accents. I just love accents. A man saying my name with an accent is hot. I mean multisyllabic names aren’t that easy to say all the time (esp. in the heat of the moment…)

10. Sense of Humor: I’ve said it once...and Ill say it again. Making this goofy girl laugh goes a long way. Brothers who are humorous are sexy.

11. Intelligence: If you can talk to me about something other than the game or the new GAME album. We are good. Current affairs are nice. And not that pseudo black “intellect” that so many brothers want to have. I mean serious, conscious dialog about a variety of others. You talking about how “The system” is getting you down is old...esp now…Obama anyone?

12. A Nice Ass: Yes. that’s pretty base after my last comment. But I don’t mean a girly ass and hips. I mean an ass that looks good in boxier briefs along with your package (and if you got that V/D’Angelo cut in your pelvis that is even hotter). The kind of ass you can pop a quarter off of and get 5 nickels. LOL

13. Swagger- Every brother must have a sense of style. I don’t mean spending 50 G’s on a new watch or something. Just a good sense of style…the way you walk…confidence….add that and a killer look...something unique and your own....

14. Voice: The tone in a brother’s voice is important. Some bass in a voice. can make a sista melt….just sounding like a grown ass man. Makes the panties melt

15. A Big Dick: A girl is a damn lie if she says that size doesn’t matter. I guess for some..the “oral” action can make up for that.. but jeesh!*smh* Ladies..let’s just keep it real and not gas these dudes’ heads up! *smh*

16. He loves his Mama and Jesus: I guess this should have been higher…but I mind wasn’t there. A brother who loves his mama (and not in a spoiled rotten Mama’s boy kind of way)…is a keeper. That means he loves and respects women (for the most part)…And if he Knows the Lord..well..that’s just a bonus. If you go for the “holy roller” types…that’s cool. But just having a sense of God in your life is importance.

17. He Remembers the Little things: If he goes to the store and picks up your fav ice cream…just because. Or he calls and says “I heard such and such..and thought about you”. That’s def. a winner. It means he has a streak of being spontaneous…You want to drive to Sonoma on the weekend? You want to just go see a movie on Wed? That’s just the kind of dude he is

18. Body Odor and Breathe: Do I have to say it? IF your breath smells like Oscar the Grouch’s garbage can….that means you are too foul for words. Don’t come near me with funkiness. Make Colgate and Sean Jean cologne your friend! LOL There is nothing like a good smelling man…(who owns at least 3 suits)

19. Drama Free: No baby mama debt collectors beating down your block…no crazy ex-wives…no outside kids….no diseases….basically relatively drama free. I mean we all can’t get away from drama…but If you can do without without it

20. Goal Oriented: You know what you want (and I don’t just mean materialistically) and you know how to get it. You are the man with a plan. Having goals are always sexy…not having a plan and just “going with the flow” (esp. when situations don’t call for it) isn’t sexy….

August 15, 2009

Make a Belle Laugh...

...and you've basically won half the battle.

I'm not a picky girl. Despite what others think, I'm also not a materialistic girl. There isn’t much I ask for in the opposite sex. I mean...every girl has a list of things that go without saying...but for me...Laughter and Humor are key. They might be in my top 5 qualities I look for in a dude (what am I saying...I just formulated this list like last month)...If you can make me laugh, I'm pretty much going to like you...I might even get to touch my booty. (LMAO! ok that's a stretch) I don’t mean old Chris Rock stand up material...I mean just natural laughter. Like...we laugh at things we have in common. We laugh at things we don’t...we just laugh! I mean if you make tears roll down my face and I me my heart melted a little (and I can be an ice queen for real....).

See...Im really a goofy person. Under all the MAC and the Nine West stilettos....I’m just a goofball. I mean my sense of humor can be kind of dry (a la British humor sometimes...).........LMAO! But I'm still crazy! I mean my favorite movies are dumb “white boy” movies like Old School, Road Trip, Stepbrothers, and Napoleon Dynamite....that has to say something about my humor level.

Translated: I'm retarded...LMAO! A Retarded Magna cum Laude graduate...I have no damn sense sometimes. you all know...LMAO!Trust just cant expect laughter to totally get me into you. You got to have sex appeal. You got to be respectful...creative....romantic.....and about 48 more things. You got to be able to be at least 80% of what I want in a man (I mean no one is going to be 100%)I have no earthly idea WHY this was my thought of the day...... (Yes I do...I was talking to Nells and her neighbor decided to give me some feedback on the importance of humor while we were on the phone...just all in the convo...LOL) OR....maybe I just feel I deserve to laugh in spite of things going on. *shrug*Either way...making a girl laugh,’s so important. If you are dry....and just not humorous...we will get all turned off. *smh* Trust me! Take it from a goofy girl. LMAO!

(Well..maybe that and a big stick.....otherwise..if you DONT have a big stick..we will laugh...and that is comedy indeed....LMAOO! )

Dating is Dead

Dear Men of the New Millennium:

Do you all believe in DATES anymore? I mean something that doesn't consist of you going over to the chick's house...eating all her food...lying up on her couch...watching moves/Playstation and/or trying to get some? I feel you all have resigned courting to be old fashioned and a lost art.....shame on you all!


A Women Who Won't Tolerate that Bull and Wants a REAL date....


When talking to my various female friends, they are all saying the same thing. Men don’t DATE women...they don’t take them out....even when things they can do can be creative and low cost/free. I know we are in a recession...but that should never stop courting. Maybe men these days (who often times lack positive male role models) have no idea what it is to court or date a woman...we live in (as I stated before)a microwave society of instant gratification for the most part. much as they cry about how "independent" they want to be doted on...and appreciated sometimes. We don’t want to be sitting at home ALL the time.........

On the male friends are saying that we as women tolerate this bull crap. We don’t put our foot down and say "Dude, take me somewhere!" and allow these man-boys to be up in our houses...eating all our food...and encouraging slack behavior in the dating department. Why is that? Do we just want to have a man around for the sake of penis' sake???

So is dating truly dead in the new millennium??

August 14, 2009

Love in the Time of Instant Gratification

One of my fav books is called Love in the Time of is about the love of a man....who waits almost 50 years to be with the one he truly the meantime he has countless meaningless affairs...often telling himself that he is just "filling time" to be with the one he loves.....when he finally gets his is well worth the anguishing wait.

It's the inspiration for this blog today...

In this day and age of instant gratification, who really would wait that long for love? Is there anyone truly patient enough for love?I think I have the patience of a gnat at times (usually for personal things)....and sometimes (most times) the patience of a nun (when it comes to love).

I am reminded of people I know...who as soon as one thing ends...are ready to jump in bed with the next troll they find...ready to say "I love you" wrapped up in false promises and sneaky ways...ready for instant gratification.We live in such a "microwave" society...treating relationships like the next Lean Cuisine meal. Just pop it out...and heat it up...and devour it in seconds. That isn't how love works...Love is a meal worthy of fine dining, fine china, 5 courses and white glove service.

I'm really not an "instant gratification" person. I like things steady and methodical most times. My patience may wear thin....but in the end it's often worth it. I had been patient with love to a fault sometimes....sometimes wondering if I should have been a "microwave" lover.....get mine and be out. But I realized that isn't how I roll. That isn't how I do things....Besides...I'm a Southern girl. We are all about the "chase". LOL....and we just don’t do things like that.

As I finally enter the door of 30 and stepping back into the dating arena.....I am much more patient than ever before. I have no idea how the "dating" scene works. So Far I've seen a hell of a lot of "microwave" behavior instead of "fine dining" makes me kind of sad that we have been reduced to that.Who wants a "microwave" love anyway? It isn’t nutritious, filling or whole sometimes... "Microwave" love is easy. Just push a button and's ready for you. It's more fulfilling if you nurture, create and tend to relationships yourself.Who wants Top Ramen when I can have Filet Mignon from Au Pied de Cochon at the Intercontinental Hotel???I'm a diamond...and I deserve to be set in platinum.

So trust me...I can wait.


August 13, 2009

Just Skip Dessert

I was talking with my friend/blogmate (lol) Cee...and reading one of her blogs (which ended up on her status on Facebook).

In it she said:

"If a man won't make you the main course.....then don't lie down and be dessert. Dessert is the last meal of the evening you choose whether or not to have...the meal you eat before you go home. The cheapest meal of the evening. The meal you sneak when you are on a diet."

Let me also add....dessert...the gooey, sticky, sinful the thing that you eat and feel guilty that you even ate it. It's often empty calories..void of any nutritional value. It doesn't enhance your lift if it's the only thing that you eat that day. And if all you had in your life was'd be DISeased....diabetic...and lacking life sustaining value....and I'm not dessert! And I don't WANT "just dessert". I want the full course meal...

Ironically, the yesterday I was texting a dude I"ll call " Rampant Texter" (because well..after an "interlude"..he texts me like crazy..all the's rather "stalkerish" ) And I told him I was eating a brownie from Chic-Fil-A (a vendor perk at work). He said.." remind me of a brownie". I was instantly brought back to that quote. I said.."How's that? Because I'm brown and nutty? Or because I'm sweet and sinfully rich?" *insert sarcastic look here* He goes.."It's definitely because you are sweet, decadent, rich and sinful...the cocoa cure...."


...I instantly erased his texts after that..... All we had was "sweet, sinful moments..." I don't want that for myself anymore. (Then he had the nerve to use a Maxwell quote...jerk! LOL)

Ladies..I encourage you not to be dessert anymore. Allow yourself to be the main course. Allow a man to savor you....and then be that sweet cherry (pun intended) on the top of his life.

Thanks Cee (and your auntie) for this quote. You have NO IDEA how this spoke to me and my life...for real. That one little line was so profound to me....

I hope it was profound for you

August 12, 2009

The Abyss

I rushed home after a particularly trying day at work…having to dodge crazy commuters on the train….plopped my tired body on my camel-colored chenille couch and opened a bottle of Chardonnay (some new one I decided to pick up at the farmers market. I even decided to get “decadent” and open some cheese and crackers (lol)) . I stripped out of my clothes and into my favorite, comfy robe. I put on my favorite singer, Maxwell’s, new album and chilled out… I took one sip of bit of cheese and cracker. Then….I turned off the album just after one song and sat straight up…I sat in silence. I realized that I just rushed home…to and for absolutely nothing.

It’s times like these that the reality of divorce hits hardest for me. The silence rolls in like fog from the San Francisco Bay…better the stifling heat of an August day in Georgia. The silence then transforms itself into loneliness. At times like these, I want to come home and have dinner already ready. I want the glass of wine already waiting for me. I want someone to take my bag. I wanted to hear the hustle and bustle of someone else here. I want to come home, and rest my head on someone’s shoulder, smelling their cologne, and have them massage my scalp…and say ...”Babe...let me wash your hair…”. He would stroke my face and kiss my forehead, eyelids, and move down the bridge of my nose to my lips. He’d smile and whisper in my ear at random… “It’ll be alright…you’re home now.”

Just make me feel better and adore me.

My job right now is totally uncertain. Due to state mandated furloughs, I will have to take a possible 6 days off between now and July 1, end of the fiscal year. This is going to impact me greatly financially as I am already on a pretty tight budget. Times are going to be tough, but I know I will be able to make it. I have a deep core of inner strength, yet at the same time, it would be nice for someone to say...”Baby...WE can make it”. Or “Baby, I can help US…” I don’t have that. Even when I was married, I didn’t really have that assurance that everything was going to be alright. A little support..a little goes a long way. It makes you feel good.

I am not ashamed to say that I am a woman who is independent, smart, and resourceful. Yet at the same time, I am certainly not a woman who thinks that I “don’t need a man” or “men aren’t shit” or “I can do bad by myself”. You most certainly WILL do bad by yourself. Of course you need the opposite sex (or same sex if that’s your preference). That is what we are made for on this Earth- a deep development of interpersonal relationships with someone you love and adore. Who wants to be the “old man/woman in the club”? I certainly don’t. Who wants to be alone? I certainly don’t. I am not about to be one of those women who bite her nose off in spite of her face (or however that saying goes). I'm certainly not ashamed to say that I I LOVE men....and want to be loved by one-not sexed, lusted-after or used- simply cared for.Since being divorced, I haven’t been in a serious relationship. I had a pseudo-semi-serious relationship..but that did not last long-fleeting and very hot very fast and went cold just as fast. And when it ended, I felt nothing. That was a clear sign that this wasn’t as deep as I had thought it was..

As I sip my wine in between keystrokes, listening to Maxwell croon and focusing on the flicker of my vanilla ginger aromatherapy candle, I am comforted by that thought that I was once not alone. And I won’t be alone again. This abyss of obvious loneliness is just a temporary one. Eventually, I will climb out its dark recesses a victor. I say for now that I am ok and that perhaps a man would be a distraction.

But for right now…I miss them….him…whomever “him” may be.

August 11, 2009


I was talking to my Frat (who shall remain nameless)...about relationships. Actually...He simply asked me "What do I want??" (As far as a relationship is concerned). And half-joking and half-serious, I said (in so many words), that I wanted a fine, sexy beast of choco-mocha-latte-caramel fine-ness...with a brain...that could put it on me!! (Ok...I didn't say that........exactly! LOL) He's telling me...”I'm trying to get you to think like a man...........what do you want?" I was like...:" Uhm...that's what I want!!” ...".

He was like...."I don't believe want a's written all over your face. All of that is physical/sexual and I refuse to believe that's all u want". I said "why can’t I have those needs? I didn’t say that was all I wanted. ...what's wrong with that??" He was like..."Absolutely nothing wrong about that. But the two things (relationship worthy dude with a good head on his shoulders and can bend u into a pretzel) don't always come in the same package....It isn’t impossible. I'm just trying to get u to think like a man. Or like me at least ;) You have to use the opposite sex for what u want. And if it takes me 2 or 3 women to build my perfect woman then that's what I got to do ;)...."

Seriously?? Is it like that???Take one man's man's brawn...another one's massive sex appeal..........BAM..... The perfect man. So person won't fulfill all your needs, etc.??

So is finding a mate truly like Build-a-Bear workshop?? You build and place pieces here and there...from like...4-5 different sources...HOPE they have some heart.... (Cause give it to LITERALLY give them your heart)...make a wish...and ATTEMPT to love them forever?I mean have we come to that?? Is that what singleness is about? Somebody school me...cause ya'll know I'm like 6 years removed from dating.........and like 8 months fresh back out here.... and furthermore...WTF is wrong with wanting a relationship? He made it seem like that's such a bad thing?? Like water on a Gremlin...!! *smh* Yes..I am definitely the relationship type. Some ladies are build for power....some for like to be on "cruise control" when it comes to men. Have some "staying power"....

So really...ladies...we got to "build-a-dude"??? ( you have to "Build-a-Lady" too??)

Let's talk....

August 10, 2009

Brothers and Natural Hair

(BTW...that isn't me! LOL)

As I sit here playing in my locs and basking in their glorious fragrance of the hair oil I use (as I do probably every morning at work for about 15 minutes before I start working. because bullsh*tting is totally my thing....)..

I was just thinking."Why don't more brothers like natural hair?"I don't mean the "Freddie Brooks/Mixed Chick" type of hair...I'm talking straight out the motherland, nappy, bushy, twisted-out,loced-up type of stuff. I think my locs are beautiful...and I personally don't give a damn if a dude isn’t feeling them...because he isn’t the dude for me.

I just hate statements like..."Well...I NORMALLY don't like chicks with natural hair...but it looks good on YOU"...uhm...I'm just wearing my hair (with a little manipulation via some hair color and loc-maintanence....which is purely aesthetic) the way God had it grow out my damn scalp! What's so wrong about that?

I think brothers in general have a love/hate relationship with natural hair. On one end...they want a sista....but then again. They aren’t trying to deal with the "sista" issues: We can’t go out and get our hair all wet...we got to sleep in a hair scarf most times....etc. That isn’t sexy. So what do they do...go for the chicks who are JUST enough of a sista (big booty, lips, etc.) to not be clowned on... (Minus the nappy hair....). I guess brothers have fed into the notion that they too want to run their fingers through your hair. can still do that...even if a girl doesn't have a perm...or naturally wavy hair...etc. It's still sexy....We can get it wet too...but don't be mad if a girl is like..."'s gonna take me 2 hrs to get it back right....."

I know about oh.....3 dudes total...who LOVE the sistas with natural hair! One of my friends totally has a thing for bad! LMAO! I think that's wonderful. I am not knocking a brother who just says "that isn’t his thing”. But I mean really.....what's the harm? A woman can be just as classy, formal, etc with natural hair as a woman with a perm/"good hair" has............that's all I'm saying. I think the sexiness of natural hair is...that a woman has to have confidence to pull it off...and if you are confident...that truly exudes some kind of sex appeal....

So I say to brothers............don't fear the nappy hair. Embrace it. Love it. Caress if (if she'll let you...LOL...cause uhm...we can be sensitive like that esp. after we done spent hours in the damn salon getting it braided, flat-ironed, etc...LMAO!). There is a nice sex appeal to natural hair........

*flips locs back*

August 9, 2009

Finding "Something New"

When I first got divorced, I told myself I would be more open to dating "all" kinds of men. I don't mean stature, honey! I mean racially.

Quickly after the divorce, I joined a few interracial dating sites (Interracialpeoplemeet, AsianAve, etc) so that I can expose myseld to different guys. I think that was my first mistake. simple because I feel I was being narrow-minded in my approach. I thought to myself..."Maybe the internet is the best place for this..I mean..that way I can sorta be intimate w/o them really getting to know me (so much for being open, huh??) After spending a small fortune on "membership" fees, I let it go. I said...if this was going to happen...I needed to let it happen rather organically rather than forcing attraction. Besides, I had no experience in interracial dating...and quite frankly, I'm torn.

Just yesterday, a girl on one of my websites I am a member of sent me the link to this event that is occuring in ATL and other cities around the country:

I thought that this was a very bold initiative. A "seminar" on interracial dating (which I am sure is to turn into a "meet" market.) So is this how this works? I mean, do I go? (Of course, if I do go, there will be a full review and report for my readers....) Should I roll to this thing solo or with a group of open-minded girls? I had to ask myself....

So.....where do sistas meet non-black and white dudes???

I'm just curious. .......I was watching Real Housewives of Atlanta (a show I actually abhor yet can't turn away from the virtual trainwreck) and Lisa Hartwell said that her mother was black...and her Dad was Chinese.How on earth did that happen? How the hell did her mama meet an Asian dude almost 30 years ago let alone today?? (I forgot to factor in that she is from California that is highly Asian populated).

The only time I see an Asian dude is when I go get my nails done, grabbing some Lemon Pepper wings, at a booth at the Flea Market, or I just so happen to be near Buford Highway in ATL, or...I'm watching a Kung-Fu movie. I know, that seems so racially narrow minded. I did know a few Asian guys in high school but they certainly were not interested in anything beyond their studies.

I've never dated a white or non-black guy before in my entire life. I never had a desire to.... I used to just get a lot of "Kizzy" slave images in my head...that is until now. Being back out on the "dating scene" has a way of making these issues come to light. In my next go-round of dating and I need to limit myself to ONLY brothers? I mean...certainly white men don't...and successful brothers don’t. But if I do...will I be a sell out too? Will this conflict with my pan-African beliefs? inner conflict.

I was reading Having it All: Black Women and Success by Veronica Chambers (also married to a white dude) and many black women have found healthy relationships with non-black men (including the author). Hell...look at Melody Hobson...she's with George LUCAS! That man invented the STAR WARS movie franchise for godsake!! LOL....Hell...I'd say she raise the bar..........LOL.Sure, I think Brad Pitt, Matthew McConaughey, Justin Timberlake, Robin Thicke, Jude Law, and Jonathan Rhys Meyers are pretty damn HOT...but like Chris Rock said...."A black woman will fuck with a PRETTY white boy...she aint fucking with a dude who looks like George from Seinfeld. If she is with George...then her credit is fucked up...why you with him girl?? They was going to take my car!!" LMAOO! It was a hilarious stand up routine but it's true. I've rarely seen the average black woman with a "golden boy" type.

If I do meet a white/non-black man...I'd like for him to be pretty damn smoking hot becuase I AM hot! And NOT a "wigger"-type or so obsessed and engrained in black culture all he can do is reference hip-hop songs and slang or a type that has a black girl "fetish" and eroticizes us as a people. I want a white dude who KNOWS he is white...and not trying to be anything else but sweet and kind to me. And NOT trying to fulfill some sort of slave/exotic fantasy. He has got to be finer as any brother and with 10 times more going for him. (because quite frankly, if I go this route, I'm going to have to raise the bar)

So I just want to know...

  • Who has dated a white/non-black guy? Anything good come out of it?
  • What about ME? What kind of sistas do they like? I mean...I'm a loc wearing, brown skinned, thick kinda chick? I mean that might be too much sista!
  • Is there a certain place to meet non-black/white men? I live in ATL...I hardly see white people at WORK, especially not white men of any type of attractiveness (Although, I was once told by a Trini-born Indian guy that I was "so beautiful"..but he didn't make any moves)
  • What should be the "looks standard" I need to go for? I Brad Pitt raising the bar too high??
  • *Warning: Keeping it Real* Do a lot of them have small dicks? I mean I've seen porn and I know they are PINK or Beige OR whatever...... (Which is something I admit is hard to get past. *smh*)
  • What do white men like to do fun? Go Rock Climbing? Sky Dive? I'm not one for too much dangerous crap!

In my hunt for clairty on the issue, my friend M.N. actually decided to send me a list of "tips" on dating non-black men. She is certainly an expert on it. She has a diverse group of friends and purposely surrounds herself in those circles. She's a smart, focused 25 year old woman living in that she is of my peer group, I had to ask her. So she came up with this:

MN's Tips for Dating Non-Black Men

1) learn to love running, hiking and biking...they love these activities! Well..They just love ACTIVITIES period.

2) Go to coffee shops in the afternoon on weekends or Sunday brunch....with a non-descript (i.e. white) book!

3) Get a gang of multicultural friends....they know all the spots to meet dudes of different races..And it shows u are comfortable around them...

4) get a gay white man. This helps white men because they see that you are not intimidated to be around white men!! So dating a white man is not a big leap for you!

5) Get a very dorky white girl with wheels that will be able to always want to go out with you. She is going to be your BEST friend. Why? She will be able to be your cheerleader. BUT..You have to make sure she is slightly unattractive therefore making you the pretty one regardless of the setting....and feel slightly guilty about being white.... She is def. your advocate. She'll say things like "Oh, Tee can cook. She should be a chef. I’m just amazed at what a great person she is. I don't know how she's single. She has such beautiful skin, but I don't mean that in a brown way... it's healthy. She’s a healthy skin person." .....cause you know they like to ramble on and on!!

6) When going out. Dress flawlessly. Skin and nails perfect...but make it look like it is effortlessly put together.....they love that!
7) The more "distinguishably BLACK" you look..The better. If a white man wanted a white looking black girl that defeats the point! She thinks there's definitely a move in the white man movement toward natural sistas... if they wanted a white women, they'd be with one.. so if you're going to go black, go black... a socially conscious, culturally aware, loc'd sista with full lips, hips and tits... don't get the Christine Barbie doll and think you're doing something! She said...this very issue was on the last white man's club meeting agenda

8) Join some non-descript groups that have a mix of people (i.e. )......with similar interest. There I can probably finds new "multi-culti" friends! Go to political events, wine tastings.

9) Hang out in multi-culti neighborhoods (in ATL that would be Poncey-Highland, Downtown Decatur, Little 5, Buckhead, and Atlantic Station)..And try to hang out ALONE.

10) Don’t necessarily avoid those men who have a black girl fetish. They are usually very good for your self-esteem...........because they are GUILTY! They overcompensate for the fetish so much with compliments, chivalry, great dates, flattery, gifts....they're usually guilty and embarrassed by the fetish..therefore....the easy way out of a relationship with them is to make race an issue and claim "you'll never understand!" and then burst into every time!

I had to laugh at her "tips" but apparently this has been working for her for years. She even was invited to this exclusive "black women/white men" party that was at some posh "members only" club in NYC. Wow...that's a bold step.

So...what do you think? In this new world of dating. should I keep my options open? Or just pray for the next good brotherman to come along....and not the OTHERman????

August 8, 2009

6 Epiphanies on Being 30..

As I enter my 30's....I have decided to share 6 (since 6 is my favorite number) personal things...about myself...and my observations as I leave my 20s...and settle into my 30's.

Thought #1:

"I am diamond and I deserved to be set in platinum"

I've been saying this for the past few months. But it took a while for me to really realize and verbalize what that means....I feel I am a rare gem. I am a jewel. You don't set diamonds in cheap materials....I wouldn’t accept a diamond to be treated like a cubic zirconium. I accept the best. I deserve the best.For much of my 20's...I allowed myself to be cheapened. I allowed my experiences and life to be less fulfilling and rich. I allowed to be treated like a CZ instead of the diamond that I was. I allowed myself to be set in substandard situations in career.I refuse to do that any longer as I enter my 30's...I realize I am worth much more. I deserve a richer experience in life. I deserve to be treated like a princess by men. I deserve to be treated with respect from work colleagues. I deserve to be loved by family and friends....

Thought #2:

" I will take chances. Life is a game of chance why not take the chance and weight out the risks! As long as it doesn't hurt you or anyone be it!"

As a person in my 20's, I wouldn't say I was much or a risk taker. I didn't do anything out of the ordinary and followed a straight and narrow path. I did things in an "orderly" and safe fashion....yet I realized by doing this...all I did was cheat myself out of having a fulfilling and exciting life.I should have taken that trip...I should have gone out with this person...I should have switched my major....I should have gone to this College or Grad School.... I should have moved to NYC.....I don't want to live the rest of my life in regret. From this day forward, I plan to use my 30's to correct the mistakes of my 20's. Never again will I just sit on the sidelines of life. I am taking the bull by the horns and living it to the fullest..........The risks I did take in my 20's really weren't risk at all: just choices. There is a difference in making a choice and taking a chance. Chances are exciting and fun....and thrilling. Making a choice is monotonous, everyday, and routine. I don’t want to live an "everyday" life...I want to live a life most extraordinary!So as Celine Dion sings........

What do you say to taking chances,

What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below

Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,

What do you say,What do you say?

I say ....YES!!!

Thought #3:

" I’m more like that painting in the museum that you have to pass 1000 times before you finally stop and pay attention to the beauty of it. But once you attention to the intricate truly appreciate the beauty."

One of my favorite paintings is "Girl with the Pearl Earring". A subtle mastery of light, perspective and beauty of a most ordinary subject matter: a simple girl wearing a gorgeous pair of earrings ( can only see one). Johannes Vermeer was truly ahead of his time....a 17th century Dutch master!It took me all of my 20's (and even my teen years) to realize I too am beautiful I'm an understated beauty. Just like the girl with the pearl earring. It took me years to appreciate my perfect imperfections because that is how God made me to be. I don't have perfect hair, skin or body...but I'm perfect just the way I am. I never thought I was ugly...just never thought I was stunningly beautiful either. It just takes a while for who I be appreciated by others...and it took a while for me to appreciate it myself. It was like I finally had a mirror held up to the totally stripped down bare soul...and saw who I was.I also didn't need to be flashy or be on display to be beautiful. I command attention in other ways. You may not notice me when I walk into a room...but once the smoke clears...I'm highly visible.I also realized I didn't need a man to validate that for me. Not that I looked to men for validation or attention...but it always meant a little "MORE" when I was complimented by an attractive man. I don't need that in my 30's. I’m a grown woman satisfied with who am I and the beauty I have isn't meant for everyone to be appreciated.As one of my friends said once "Quirks are what help you weed out those who aren't meant for you"....and I have to agree.As my (fictional) hero Carrie Bradshaw says:"But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

Thought #4:

"The one thing I have learned over the course of a very trying year is to "accept the unexpected"'s one thing to expect it....but we don’t always accept it when it happens."

So much about me has changed in the course of a year. I went from being being single. I went from being a home-owner to a renter....I went from upgrades to downgrades....At the same time...I went from sadness to bliss. I went from being unloved to being adored. I went from being in an unsupportive environment to being surrounded by an even stronger support system. I am truly blessed. Folks say that all the time...”Im Blessed". Most times I see that as an unthoughtful response by a bourgie they are the only ones that are blessed.....LMAO! But if you truly feel don't have to SAY IT. People will see it in your actions, your ways, your character and your demeanor.I've learned that being able to accept the unexpected has allowed me to free myself from the rigid system of "plans" I had in my life. I've learned that acceptance is key to healing. I've learned that if I just accept that the unexpected will happen...and not try to unsuccessfully anticipate change (which is futile)....then things will be a lot more pleasant. Experiences will be richer. The air will be cleaner. The sun will be brighter. There will be a greater sense of clarity.I am trying hard not to come off as some pseudo-intellectual in theses posts...but as I approach’s as if clarity came like a lightning bolt into my life. Like I saved myself...FROM myself.On paper, I should be sad and miserable as hell. Wallowing in the disappointments and sorrows of a very trying year...full of broken promises and loss.....But I'm not. I'm so happy because I am SO FREE! I'm free from expectations. I'm free from the chains of psychological slavery that I had myself in.I'm free to accept the unexpected. .....And that has been the most fulfilling lesson of all!

Thought #5

“Exceptional is not the target, it’s the standard”-© T.O.

Let me first state that I did not come up with this thought on my own. Someone who recently came into my life uses this as his own personal mantra. So I’m going to give credit where credit is due…. LMAO! Tee does not plagiarize….believe that! However, I will say when I hear something that strikes a chord with me…I am more than willing to share it with others.When he first told me that, just during a regular course of conversation, I had to pause, ingest it, and absorb it. Because he was right! So often do we strive to be exceptional people: exceptional in our jobs, personal lives, and spiritual growth. We use exceptional as the target to which we should arrive and strive for. But in all honesty, exceptional should be the standard in which we live our livesWhy was it so hard for me to get this in my 20’s? I know why. It was because I thought that “being mediocre” and complacent was alright. I thought that doing “just fine” was alright. Well it wasn’t. It led me to make some terrible choices and live life in my 20’s as unfulfilling as possible. Playing it “safe” doesn’t get you to be exceptional. You just become ordinary. Staying in your lane and not rising above expectations doesn’t get you anything but being mundane. It was as if life had me in quicksand, slowly sinking, yet giving me the illusion I was on solid ground. I was going nowhere slowly.As I approach 30, I want exceptional to be my standard. I’m ready to take the bull by the horns and ride this thing until the wheels fall off. I know that being “mediocre” and living a “mediocre” life just isn’t for me anymore. I want to live and be exceptional. I want the standard of my life to be extraordinary and richer in experiences. I want my standard of living to increase exponentially. I am not just speaking in financial terms. I mean an abundance of wealth spiritually, emotionally, and fiscally. I know now that being exceptional is achievable. If 30 is the new 20…then exceptional for me…is the new way of life.

And Finally...

Thought #6:

“It was just a blip on Life’s RADAR… Keep it Pushing”

In 2008, one of the most heartbreaking and emotionally devastating things happened to me. I got divorced as most of you know….to a man I had been with for almost 6 years. Lied to and cheated on, I had had enough. Once it was over, I made a conscious decision: This will not have power over my life. This will not define my life. I will no longer allow things that are insignificant in the long run into define my life. It isn’t that deep. Life isn’t about the small things that happened. It’s about lessons you learn. You learn the lesson. You absorb the lesson. You keep it moving…such is life.If something is just a “blip” on your life’s radar, then why give it any more importance or credence than what it really is. It is insignificant. Granted, it may have been significant at the time. But in the end, it doesn’t have the power in your life that you think it does. The things that happen to you don’t define you. They are not the sum of your existence. They are just life’s occurrences. Some are greater than others. But sweating the small things isn’t going to help you on life. It’s just going to weigh you down.One small defeat isn’t going to stop me from loving, living, breathing and enjoying the experiences which encompass my life. I am not going to dwell on the small things which in the end are going to be just a tiny fraction of my life.As this old blues song once said... "My Give-a-Damn gave out a long time ago...”

It was just a blip on life’s RADAR.

Divorce was just a blip on my life’s RADAR...

Failure is just a blip on life’s RADAR.

Loss is just a blip on life’s RADAR.…

and I have to keep pushing.

August 5, 2009

Abso-f**king-lutely, Tee!

*that was certainly for my girl Samantha Jones*

This is my very first “public” blog and it calls for a sort of, “re-introduction” of me to the masses. You see, I’ve blogged for MANY years under the protection of moderated friend’s list, protected postings, and the ability to “regulate’ who gets to read me…
Now…I’m willing to be open and share my story to the world! (or at least this corner of the Web!)

Wait...where are my manners? Hello there!! *waves*. My name is…well…my name’s not important. Just call me “Tee”. (Trust me…that’s much easier to remember than my first name and furthermore; this blog is going to be chock-full of code names and such that you won’t be able to keep up with MY name let alone someone else’s). But as I said, my name is Tee…and I am probably going to be the most interesting person you read on the web!

I know that it sounds like I’m bragging…but I’m not. Let’s just say that I am promising to you, faithful reader, to make this interesting. Now what I won’t promise is that you won’t stop laughing, crying, yelling or screaming at me via your 17” MACbook screen! Hell, at least that’s what my friends tell me when I shared stuff with them on my other blog….

Anyway..where to begin?? *ponders* I guess from the beginning...

I’m a Southern girl through and through. I’m thicker than cornbread and sweeter than Sweet Tea (Ooh...I need to get some sugar! That reminds me….LOL). I was born and raised in the South’s best city: Atlanta. (Well, Decatur if you want to be exact and knit-picky which you do! Ugh...I hate when people ask me “so WHAT part of Alanta are you from? And when I say “Decatur”...they frown like I just said “War Torn Somalia). I was always a bit of a nerdy girl and was in gifted and accelerated programs all my life. I graduated Magna cum Laude from a great HBCU. I joined a sorority which I adore. I have a Master’s degree (and hopefully with a little luck and push become Dr. Tee) I surround myself with good friends (or at least try to...although I am still on a search for a CLOSE girlfriend…and a gay husband…in ATL...that shouldn’t be hard…but somehow it is). Anyway, I am the baby of the family. I have an older brother who is just FABULOUS! *snaps*(Yeah he’s gay! maybe HE’S my gay husband! ) and I have a mother whom I adore... Now she is my best friend and a little trooper (more on mother later). My father…eh…we will cross that bridge if necessary. BUT…my parents are still alive and kicking and in this age…still married. I’m a fabulous cook and collect cookbooks. I a m the bargain fashionista and will tear up a Ross, TJ Maxx, DSW, and Marshall’s (Oh..and AJ Wright) on any given weekend. I have this weird obsession with boy-shorts and stilettos. Every time I go shopping...I pick them up! So weird! I am obsessed with my hair (I have reddish-brown colored locs that flow to the middle of my back) and I am really into working out (Ok so...I slack sometimes but eventually I kick myself in gear and knock off the 10 or so I might fluctuate between)...

Lord…I’m rambling….let’s get serious!

This year certainly has been a milestone year for me!

I turned 30 years old

I had a 5 year anniversary at my job ( what I like to call “The Plantation” ) AND 5 years of growing my locs!

I celebrated 1 year of keeping off the 45 lbs that I lost the previous year.


I got divorced.

No don’t go-a-crying for me, Argentina! Actually, I got divorced December 1, 2008 (but for all practical purposes…it was so close to January…ya know? So I guess I got divorced as a New Year’s Present!) I loved my ex-husband (aka the WASband) very much. I will always love him. But we grew apart (and he started doing stupid shit). After 6 years of being together and 2.5 years of marriage, I ended up resenting him. He did some pretty foul things: ruined my credit, didn’t want to work, cheated on me with BIG FAT broads, and basically misrepresented himself. It took a while but I am learning to be friends with him and be cordial. We can actually sit at dinner and not curse at each other (although, really, it never got that bad). I still think about our wedding and how great it was. How spiritually uplifting it was and how it gave so many hope. Many a person got engaged and babies were conceived on our wedding day…but we couldn’t make the love last. That part I feel bad about...but…divorce happens to the best of people with the best intentions.

Getting divorced AND turning 30 the same year can rock most women to their core. Not me. I am not most women. I was born of “strong stuff” as the African elders say. I stand on the shoulders of some very resilient, no-nonsense, practical women. If it doesn’t work, you move the hell on. I’ve seen many a woman in my family dust themselves off, pick themselves up, and keep it pushing after the loss of a husband (via death or through divorce). In many ways, divorce is like death. There is a mourning period after the initial shock of the loss. Then there is a “coping period”, where you act out and do outrageous things. And finally, there is an “acceptance” period, where you are finally at peace with things and can move on.

I think right now I am somewhere between “coping” and “acceptance”- a sort of “post-divorce” purgatory if you will. I will admit, after my divorce, I was a total mess. The “mourning period” is something that I purposely tried to skip over. I cried for all of a week. THEN...I threw myself a “divorce party” (which was fabulous) and burned things and purged. So in a way, I mourned but not in a traditional sense. It was important to have a sister-circle around me then. Not to bash the WASband, but to just support me. As a black woman, that is so important. It is in our nature. Then came the “coping “period. OMG! What self-destructive crap I did! I shopped all the time...every weekend I was at a sale or something (but at least I replenished a measly wardrobe). I threw myself into working out. I stayed long hours at work because “there was no need to rush home”. And the most ridiculous thing- I started to date again. Oh it was far too soon! And I knew it! But I did it anyway. I encountered some interesting characters. Dudes who were “ambiguous”. Married Men. Men with far too many obligations and hang-ups. A cast of characters, indeed (and lord, Dating in ATLANTA is another subject in itself…) But…we will come to that later..MUCH later.

Although I am divorced, this blog won’t b about divorce or being a divorced 30 year old smoking hot black woman. *wink*. What this blog will be about is my new focus. What I will say is that the divorce gave me drive and motivation and a renewed energy. Life goes on... and I have to live my life. So , with that said, this blog will definitely be about my new life as a single woman, the dating and mating and other foolishness that comes with that (especially in Atlanta), and all of the new things going on in my life.. (i.e. trying to pursue a PhD, possibly living abroad, maybe getting remarried, my biological clock, experiencing new things, travel, etc…..)
Oh and of course….dating and sex….. ( I said that already, right? LOL). I mean...this blog is called “Sex and the Southern Belle”...but as any true Belle would tell you…this won’t ONLY be about sex (and I am certainly not going to open my sex life to strangers on the web……) But..the name was catchy. A throwback and homage to Helen Gurley Brown’s “Sex and the Single Girl” (the predecessor for Sex and the City)… Nevertheless…I am a Southern Belle and well…I do have sex (sometimes incredible sex…but I digress… LMAO!) .

Ok... I won’t bombard you all any longer!! So...just stay tuned!

*Smooches, ya’ll!!! *


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