The Itch

I am 30. I am divorced. I'm in debt. I sold my still new house I have no car. I hate my job. I still don't have my Ph.D. I never had children with my ex husband. I've never been pregnant or had a real scare. I’m not dating anyone and don’t have any real prospects

...yet and still... I want to have a baby.

All around me...friends are getting pregnant or working on baby #1...or even #2. I'm so happy and overjoyed for them. Honestly...I shouldn't even be thinking about this. I just sold my house (which had plenty of room for children). I am getting out of a marriage and dating again. I am trying to get my finances in order. I am trying to lose more weight and obtain some goals. But something about me pains for a child of my own. I feel like there is hole in my heart.... I had resolved myself to adopt or even be a fantastic step mother (if I were to ever get married again). I mean...years ago I had resolved to not even be a mother at all...and as my marriage went south...I just couldnt see bringing a kid into the world. But now...I turn 30...and the itch is stronger than ever.

I see babies on the train...I try not to stare and I just smile.If I stare too long, sometimes girls will ask...”Do you want to hold her?" and sometimes I say no...When deep down I want to say yes...and rock them in my arms. Sometimes these young chicks with tons and tons of kids...and I dont understand how God gave them kids...and gave me none. I hold my little cousins just a bit tighter. I rub their faces and make silly noises and laugh. I play with their hair. I get excited for baby showers and spend an absurd amount of cash on baby clothes. I see pregnant women at the gynecologist and want to scream.

I went to the gyno one rainy Tuesday in April for my annual appointment. And she gave me the whole inquiry spill...”So you are 30...are you thinking of getting pregnant? Do you want to get off birth control?” When I told her I was divorced and I had no real prospects of that...I heard the words come out my mouth...but I had no idea that while I was saying that....my eyes dropped big fat tears. She handed me a tissue and said...”Hmm...You really don't need to get off the birth control. No harmful effects will occur if you stay on. Well...you still have a little bit of time...” A little bit of time??? It seems like yesterday I had the world on platter. I was young and carefree. I was really looking forward to so much. Now my womb has a time table on it....I never believe in the biological clock even existed until March 1 rolled around. I was like...”Well...my granny had a baby at 42...my great-granny had a baby at 47...SURELY...I can have a baby whenever...”

I mean...she said my uterus was clear. I had no cysts on my tubes....any endometriosis...why is she stressing about my age?? Is it because I'm black??? Is it because black women often deliver prematurely? We often have so much trouble conceiving at ANY age?

When I hear one of my guy friends tell stories about his kids...how is daughter was learning to ride her bike without the training wheels...how his son did in the track meet...or how his daughter lost her first tooth...I feel some sorta way. He spoils his kids (because he doesn’t see them that often)...and honestly...I'm jealous. I wish I had kids to spoil. He was on the phone with me when he was picking up his daughter from school...I heard her say "Hey Daddy!!!"...and he said...”Hey Daddy's Baby!!!" I had tears in my eyes....*sigh*

Sometimes I get mad at my ex because I figured around this time I would have had a baby....but then I am grateful because I probably would have been resentful. I would have had a miserable pregnancy and been sad...due to all the other drama going on. A baby would have made complicated. I know I was born to be a wife...some women are just bred that way. Packing lunches...picking out ties....running baths. I did all of that. I adored doing that. I cherished doing that. It just took me longer to realize that being a mother would also be my heart's desire. That maybe I am cut out for that as well.

I've picked out names. I am dead set on the name for the girl....(but because of how it was revealed to me, I won't say what it is). For a boy...I've always liked "Toussaint" (but I'm not dead set on it, either....). I fear yet am excited at the prospect of one day changing diapers (which I've never done), breastfeeding, reading to my baby...learning how to do hair...seeing my son's first haircut......singing silly songs..Making baby food....playing dress up....cheering my son at his football game....I get so emotional.....I really want that for myself. The thought of having a child alone (without a husband) isn’t something that I want...but...I'm also prepared for that as well. I know I want to share my life with someone. Because I know I have love to give. It seems a bit selfish I guess. But not really....I just got the gene rather late.

Only God has the final say...He is the holder of life's hourglass. I know He answers prayers. And it is my prayers to one day have a child...whether it is naturally or otherwise. Whether it is with my next husband or not....Whether I adopt or conceive....

All I can say is...I'll be ready....God willing...