Skip to main content

The Abyss

I rushed home after a particularly trying day at work…having to dodge crazy commuters on the train….plopped my tired body on my camel-colored chenille couch and opened a bottle of Chardonnay (some new one I decided to pick up at the farmers market. I even decided to get “decadent” and open some cheese and crackers (lol)) . I stripped out of my clothes and into my favorite, comfy robe. I put on my favorite singer, Maxwell’s, new album and chilled out… I took one sip of bit of cheese and cracker. Then….I turned off the album just after one song and sat straight up…I sat in silence. I realized that I just rushed home…to and for absolutely nothing.

It’s times like these that the reality of divorce hits hardest for me. The silence rolls in like fog from the San Francisco Bay…better the stifling heat of an August day in Georgia. The silence then transforms itself into loneliness. At times like these, I want to come home and have dinner already ready. I want the glass of wine already waiting for me. I want someone to take my bag. I wanted to hear the hustle and bustle of someone else here. I want to come home, and rest my head on someone’s shoulder, smelling their cologne, and have them massage my scalp…and say ...”Babe...let me wash your hair…”. He would stroke my face and kiss my forehead, eyelids, and move down the bridge of my nose to my lips. He’d smile and whisper in my ear at random… “It’ll be alright…you’re home now.”

Just make me feel better and adore me.

My job right now is totally uncertain. Due to state mandated furloughs, I will have to take a possible 6 days off between now and July 1, end of the fiscal year. This is going to impact me greatly financially as I am already on a pretty tight budget. Times are going to be tough, but I know I will be able to make it. I have a deep core of inner strength, yet at the same time, it would be nice for someone to say...”Baby...WE can make it”. Or “Baby, I can help US…” I don’t have that. Even when I was married, I didn’t really have that assurance that everything was going to be alright. A little support..a little goes a long way. It makes you feel good.

I am not ashamed to say that I am a woman who is independent, smart, and resourceful. Yet at the same time, I am certainly not a woman who thinks that I “don’t need a man” or “men aren’t shit” or “I can do bad by myself”. You most certainly WILL do bad by yourself. Of course you need the opposite sex (or same sex if that’s your preference). That is what we are made for on this Earth- a deep development of interpersonal relationships with someone you love and adore. Who wants to be the “old man/woman in the club”? I certainly don’t. Who wants to be alone? I certainly don’t. I am not about to be one of those women who bite her nose off in spite of her face (or however that saying goes). I'm certainly not ashamed to say that I I LOVE men....and want to be loved by one-not sexed, lusted-after or used- simply cared for.Since being divorced, I haven’t been in a serious relationship. I had a pseudo-semi-serious relationship..but that did not last long-fleeting and very hot very fast and went cold just as fast. And when it ended, I felt nothing. That was a clear sign that this wasn’t as deep as I had thought it was..

As I sip my wine in between keystrokes, listening to Maxwell croon and focusing on the flicker of my vanilla ginger aromatherapy candle, I am comforted by that thought that I was once not alone. And I won’t be alone again. This abyss of obvious loneliness is just a temporary one. Eventually, I will climb out its dark recesses a victor. I say for now that I am ok and that perhaps a man would be a distraction.

But for right now…I miss them….him…whomever “him” may be.


  1. I am very familiar with the place that you are in now, because i am in the same boat. its times like this that allows you to do some introspection on your life and where it is that you want it to go. So when Mr. Right does come along, he will see that what he has is worth keeping and you will be happy with where you are in live with or without him. Keep your head up sis.

  2. DarkSkinLady8/13/09, 2:07 PM

    *sigh* girl I know, I know and you KNOW I know LOL. I have to stop and breathe sometimes cause I get so irritated about being single, not even going on dates that I panic and think its never gonna happen. I guess we just have to exercise patience for just a little while longer.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Art of the Dirty Talk

I am the queen of talking dirty after dark. I mean I am GOOD at it. VERY good. So much so I dated a guy and for months..all he wanted me to do was speak nasty to him. We never has sex. Nothing. Just a bunch of dirty talk....and he was happy. (Hey..a very safe sex fetish!) Heck..I'm even considering picking up some extra income in this economy and becoming a phone sex job does NOT pay enough.

I will say there is an ART to dirty talk. You cant be shy. You cant be a prude and say things 1) you are not comfortable saying and 2) that you certainly can't back up if you are in a position to act on those things with a trust partner. 3 ) things you have no real reference point of familiarity with. Don;t say you are down for a "golden shower" if you think that has something to do with "lemonade kool-aid". DOn't pretend to have a weird accent. That would be ROLE playing..and not "talking dirty". BUT a lot of "talking dirty" is role…

Dating and the Dark-Skinned Girl

Often times in the circle of close bloggers, who become friends, we get into debates (albeit friendly ones) but debates nonetheless. I happened to be on my "private" blog site reading a dear friend's blog. I love her to death and she's been like a big sister to me, helping me through my divorce as a shoulder to cry on and listening ear. And although I've never met her in person...I do consider her a friend (that may sound strange to most..but it isnt to bloggers!) She's a gorgeous Black and Mexican in southern Cal and raising her teenage son amazingly! I was reading her blog...and came across this:

Ok..just a random thought... What is with the expression "LSLH?" Because it's usually used in a negative way, I'm offended by it.It irks me to no end! I mean, does it make us less of a black women because we have lighter skin and long hair? So when I read blogs or websites that use that expression, I think it's sad. So what if I&…

The "Fleece Johnson" Guide to Dating

I am not sure if any of you saw the recent Boondocks where they spoofed prison culture and gayness. Well....if you haven' is a little clip of where they got their inspiration from. Fleece Johnson...the Booty Warrior... So yeah...Fleece is a little crazy..but we are about to roll with thiis for a minute. I am about to take the "Fleece Johnson" no holds barred approach to dating. If I see a dude it's going down  like this: I likes ya I wants ya We can do this the easy way Or the hard way....your choice. Now..Fleece might be talking about gay men and booty warrior and "hornin". But..I'm talking about taking the same approach to men. If I see a dude I want..I WANT HIM. Imma have him. We can play games and bullshit and do it the hard way...OR we can do it the easy give in to me and my desires (and yours)..and be happy. Which would you rather have? Would you rather have to do dumb sh*t to work for a good woman? Or take an easy approach with the sam…