Skip to main content

I Put On

Have you ever been on a date and wondered if you were at Def Comedy/Poetry jam or still in the back booth at the Olive Garden? Yeah…..who wants to relive that moment?? No one. Do you really want to be sitting across from a woman as you do your soliloquy from Othello and she has the gas face? Nah…I didn’t think so. Do you want to do stuff that is more and more awkward making you look like a jackass? Nah...I didn’t think so.
In this world of dating/mating, we are often assaulted with a barrage of images of our potential mates. Sometimes we don’t even know how to take it. It is as if someone left the IPod on “shuffle” the entire time in our heads.  We complain that a person often comes to the table with their “representative”, the man/woman that we THINK you’d like or be attracted to. Yes, in general, we hate that.
However, you may want to scale back your “real” self for a little while. Because a date is not a performance.
No, this isn’t to say that you need to indeed come as a “representative”. But, dude, you do not have to “put on” for a chick. Be 100-watts for amped up mojo for a girl to like you! Just be you, but tone it down.  We understand that men are indeed peacocks and are trying to “show out” for a female, but you don’t have to spread your feathers wide for us to take notice.
What I’m saying is…dating isn’t performance art. Try and read someone’s energy before you go into your best Kat Williams. You also don’t have to come with your best Denzel either.  If we’ve said we like communication and you and Ma Bell are BFF’s…then that may be an issue.  When you pick up the phone, you don't have to go int your well-rehearsed act. It seems fake and disingenuous. There is such thing as balance. And we singles appreciate it.
I can only speak for women….we like smooth...but putting on your best Billy Dee ALL the time raises red flags as if you are a player (and you may not be). We like to laugh…but telling us every joke you’ve heard or funny story makes us think you have no depth or substance.  I know we women are complicated..we say we want one thing..and when we get it…we complain. Oh, we want it..but we don’t want it ALL AT ONCE! That’s like sensory overload!
Conversely, I’ve heard my guy friends say...”Yeah...We want sexy but if you putting em on the glass at every date, we are going to think you are doing too much” or “I want a submissive woman but if she’s being a doormat from date 1…how on earth does she expect me to respect her?”
Yeah...that’s it...”You doing WAY too much” pretty much sums it all up.
You don’t have to put on.
Just be you J (just a little more toned down)


Popular posts from this blog

2018: A Year Without Fear

I used to make these lofty, resolution goals each year. The older I got, the grander my ideas became. That is until I reached the age of 30 and my entire life shifted.

At the time, I was divorced, living totally on my own, trying to rebuild myself financially and trying to figure out my next move toward happiness. That was at the time I started this blog.... which started out as my chronicling the dating and mating of a 30 something divorcee' in the South's Largest Metropolis. I was trying to date. I was trying to establish myself financially. And I was trying to find my purpose.

So much has changed in the almost 9 years since I started this blog. I've traveled alone. I gained and lost friends. I got into a Ph.D. program. I got re-married. I lost my mother, my best friend.... not to mention my uncle, cousin, and aunt. I gained a sweet baby girl.  I went from getting my bliss.... to trying to balance that bliss with my own life..... Yet in trying to find the balance, I alw…

I Had Hope For Other Hair: Confessions in Black Motherhood

I had hoped for other hair...
(My Little One Reading a Book Before Bed)

... for my daughter.

No, I didn't want her to have "good hair"... hair that ebbed and flowed close to the weight of Whiteness. I didn't want that for her.  I didn't want her to have hair that was deemed "managable" or "a good grade". as if you can give hair letter grades or grade it on a curve.

I just wanted her to have any hair other than MY hair. She inherited my hair. And I cried.

When I found out I was having a girl, anxiety was replaced with dread. "Dear God.. I have to learn how to do hair". See, growing up, my mother was my stylist, even way into high school. So in between salon visits, she would relax or press my hair. She'd style it or comb it. And I never worried about it. I tried and tried to do my own hair... and failed. The only style I could keep up were Brandy-inspired box braids (which some poor, Senegalese woman would do for hours) or a very sho…

The Art of the Dirty Talk

I am the queen of talking dirty after dark. I mean I am GOOD at it. VERY good. So much so I dated a guy and for months..all he wanted me to do was speak nasty to him. We never has sex. Nothing. Just a bunch of dirty talk....and he was happy. (Hey..a very safe sex fetish!) Heck..I'm even considering picking up some extra income in this economy and becoming a phone sex job does NOT pay enough.

I will say there is an ART to dirty talk. You cant be shy. You cant be a prude and say things 1) you are not comfortable saying and 2) that you certainly can't back up if you are in a position to act on those things with a trust partner. 3 ) things you have no real reference point of familiarity with. Don;t say you are down for a "golden shower" if you think that has something to do with "lemonade kool-aid". DOn't pretend to have a weird accent. That would be ROLE playing..and not "talking dirty". BUT a lot of "talking dirty" is role…