August 8, 2010

It's Football Season, STFU!

Ahh yes...Today's Hall of Fame game marks the beginning of football season! It's Pre-Season! For men..this is almost as good as Christmas! It's sooo awesome!

As a chick who loves football, I'm just as excited! I'm ready for my game day snacks (and gaining 50 more lbs)...jumping up and down...and hoping that the Falcons backfield will give Matt Ryan some room and our offense steps up! I got my lucky Falcons hat out...and I am good to go (and I only cheat on my Falcons w/ The Steelers and those fine ass Troy Polamalu and Hines Ward)

Am I speaking a foriegn language to you, ladies?

Looka here.....Ladies..if you do not like football, as I have wisely advised, please STFU and provide (or order if your microwaving ass cant cook) the snacks to your fella (and/or his friends)..OR Learn the game. OR learn to "perform"  a little mic check during halftime. This may garner you happiness and/or a Little Blue Box. That is all...

Men dont ask for much. They love their beer..their sports..their meat (lol), and sex.. If you can provide all of that PLUS tolerate sports..you are for sure a keeper. Add some sex DURING halftime..BOOM! You are most def a winner chicken dinner!

I will admit, I didnt love the game of football until I was dating my ex husband. I had a cursory knowledge.. I knew players..I had favorite ones..I knew the basic of the game. (learned from my mother actually)As a girl who loves sports in general (Im def more of a Baseball /Boxing/Basketball girl....). I was open to learning. Guys before were not open to even teaching me. My family, men and women, were HUGE into Football. But rarely if ever did the men I date want to teach me ALL the intricacies. When I met my ex, who used to play himself in HS, he taught me errythang..all the rules..and it all made sense. Then....I became OBSESSED...it turned a bit maniacal (LOL). Watching the draft...etc. Ex, he was a huge Raiders (bless his soul! LOL) and USC fan...so every Mon, Thurs, Fri-Sunday...it was all football..all the time. Thank God I had NFL network and TONS of sports channels

So when I created my dating profile..I def had to find a guy who loved football. That was TOTALLY unnegotiable. you could be white. You could be shorter than a I like. You could even have a club foot..but if you didnt like football..AUTOMATIC pass! I think men who dont like sports are freaks of nature! WTF is wrong with you?  OR WORSE..men who FAKE like they like sports..thinking they know stats and shit..and dont know a Quarterback sneak from a Hail Mary.....need to be burned at the stake. For all of these things, but especially this, I think I am the world's most perfect woman :)

But this is about the ladies...

Holly Robinson Peete (married to Rodney Peete, former NFL player_) has writen a helpful guide for women to learn the fame and enjoy sports. If you STILL cant get into sports, make the atmosphere enjoyable for your man...provide the beer and snacks..wear a cute, frilly team apron, and go sitchoassdownsomewhere and watch Lifetime. LEAVE THE ROOM. Dont sit there and try and ask a bunch of shit you arent interested in or worse..complain about the breaks, lenght, the cheerleading uniform skimpyness etc. OH SHUT UP! LMAO! Enough already.  Girl..make some cupcakes in his team colors and just get used to it...or become a "football widow" until February.

I hear some of you out there now.."Why I gotta LIKE FOOTBALL!..It's so damn stupid! I dont get it! Just a bunch of men running around pounding each other....It makes no sense! WHy I gotta make the damn snacks! I got other shit about me he likes other than football". Yadda! Yadda! Yadda! While that all may be well and good, girlfriend...that doesnt give you the SUPER DUPER brownie points that take you from "girl i like" to GIRLFRIEND to "WIFE". It just doesnt. Furthermore, men do shit for us ALL THE TIME That they dont wanna do. They dont wanna go to that stupid wine tasting or dinner w/ your married, lame friends! Do this for him......and in between quarters..give dude a lil head. :) He'll be so happy and you can get him to do anything! (LOL)..wash the dishes..mow the lawn..hell.maybe bake YOU a cake!

Besides..Football is SEXY...a bunch of men in TIGHT pants, with tight asses and incredible bodies who can run fast and are agile (Remember Jerry Rice, Emmitt Smith and OchoCinco ALL made it OR won Dancing with the Stars..not a coincidence). I know you cant see what they look like...but without helmets...these dudes are HOT..we talking SO HOT. LMAO! I mean it ought to be illegal to be that fine...I have my personal favs (Reggie Bush, Dhani Jones, Larry Fitzgerald, Darren Sharper, Hines Ward, Troy Polamalu...some of the rookies..)

Cmon ladies..give it a chance...some Football.

It'll be the icing on the preverbial "cake" of your relationship.

Learn to like it...love it..tolerate it...or just STFU and go knit!


(PS: GO DIRTY BIRDS!!!!)


3 comments:

  1. Are you ready for some football! I'm so hyped this season, even if the home town team *Lions* suck lol I am a football fan. I learned the game years back from an ex and he loved that we could watch it together and I was actually interested and caught on to the game. I would cook him and his boys the works on top of that. Now I just love the game, the players, the plays. I'm all in! Lets go Lions no more 0-16! Superbowl and not only on Madden! lol I am feeling the post straight up!

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  2. I am so happy to see another sista who is into the game as much as I am. EAGLES fan for life!!! But I will cheat once in a while with the Steelers

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  3. LOL @ "They love their beer..their sports..their meat (lol), and sex.." That made me chuckle, cuz you just described Derek. ;-)

    I hate football... but am definitely not averse to the other stuff that you suggested doing in the meanwhile (ie, preparing nice snacks and stuff like that). :-)

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