January 31, 2011

Unlimited Non-Options

At first I wasn’t gonna blog about all my dating adventures anymore. I mean, who wants to hear about this stuff.   Plus, I’m apprehensive now seeing as though I let people read it (what better way to get to know me huh? ) But…what the hell! You all want to know, you nosey bastards.

 And this is a blog about my dating adventures post divorce..And I need a place to binge and purge. This mental diarrhea has to go somewhere. I vowed to be honest..so here goes.

So upon advice of my friends who were successful and professional therapist (I have no shame in saying I consulted a therapist post-divorce, I think everyone should!), I decided to rejoin a few dating sites. I had joined some, as I said before, shortly after I got divorced but I didn’t really have many dates , met some straight up nutjobs, and I wasn’t ready. After my campaign to go on more dates fell short (and encountered more fools), I said the hell with it. I threw myself into school, work and getting myself together. But…I decided about 3 months ago to give more “reputable” sites a chance.   I don’t want to go into many details about who Ive met. Some great guys Some not so great. Since that time I’ve had a handful of first dates…some more memorable than others . Even a second date
Well…it’s nice that I have all these options. It's like being at a buffet....and not wanting to eat sh*t on it..

 But the truth of the matter is, there are unlimited NON-options.  Men with far too many children than I’d like. Men who are as old as my dad yet living like college students. Men who find my financial situation laughable.  Men who are kinda caught up in their own careers. Men who apparently have far too much time and too many choices. Men who are full of general rachetness.  Men who just wanna be friends-with-benefits. Men who seem like they get bored easily after a few weeks…days when they don’t get what they want.  Men I get excited about…but..I can tell aren’t mutually excited. But truthfully, I’m bored too.   I mean..I certainly cant be an option for them. I understand...things take time but..if you aren't communicative..then that leaves me the impression that I’m just something to ‘do”…a slot-filler. It’s an endless merry-go-round I’m on and I certainly wanna get off (the ride that is). I’m looking for the MUTUAL passion. I’m looking for the MUTUAL spark. …. But deep in my heart, I know none of this is going anywhere and it feels impossible to find. After a while, the communication stops. The needle on the record scratches.  The butterflies I feel just leave. After a while…I just keep it moving….back to life. Back to reality. High over….gotta come down.

I feel like I exert the effort. I’m the one who reaches out…who cares enough to want to get to know someone. It can’t be one-sided. Although passion fades quickly, I have to feel something.  Right now, I’m not. I want my palms to sweat..and my heart race. I want to actually do all these cutesy things I have planned for a potential partner but the more I try…the more the hope dies inside.

I sat in the hospital with my mother this week, trying to calm her nerves while she had a procedure w/ her heart done  (no worries..she’s fine). She held my hand and then she said “I just want you happy! I just want you to FEEL something. You don’t smile anymore. You’ve not mentioned anyone you’re seeing. You don’t even FEEL anything, baby??”  I had to hold back the tears. I actually had a date later that night and she was thrilled though I didn’t give her much details.  She just wants me happy (and some Grandkids…LOL) but I am having my own doubts. She’s right…I’m emotionally numb but at the same time…I couldn’t tell her that I have been the one doing all the feeling (as usual) while the dude(s) have been the ones fading.  And I don’t know if any of them are worthy of me mentioning them. Why waste my breath if the feeling isn’t mutual??(sigh) I’m not even sure what I’m doing anymore. It’s been almost 3 years since I got divorced and not one last, significant anything. It def isn’t due to a lack of trying on my part.

Valentine’s Day is around the corner. I’ve never been THAT big into the holiday but I also recognize that my love language is a tie which includes. receiving gifts and quality time. It’s been 3 years since I’ve done anything significant involving that day. It woulda been nice but….the thought of actually doing something romantic is fleeting to me. Quality Time? Not gonna happen. Gifts…Nintendo, please! (LOL).

So I end this blog with a song….something that epitomizes how I’m feeling right now.


1 comment:

  1. That is such a pretty song by Tank!

    Despite the emotional numbness that you describe feeling, I think the silver lining is that you obviously still believe in love and believe in your heart that you'll find him (him = Mr. Right).

    Reminds me of a quote from my favorite character, Charlotte, from SATC: "Charlotte: I've been dating since I was fifteen! I'm exhausted! Where is he?"



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