Skip to main content

Unlimited Non-Options



At first I wasn’t gonna blog about all my dating adventures anymore. I mean, who wants to hear about this stuff.   Plus, I’m apprehensive now seeing as though I let people read it (what better way to get to know me huh? ) But…what the hell! You all want to know, you nosey bastards.

 And this is a blog about my dating adventures post divorce..And I need a place to binge and purge. This mental diarrhea has to go somewhere. I vowed to be honest..so here goes.

So upon advice of my friends who were successful and professional therapist (I have no shame in saying I consulted a therapist post-divorce, I think everyone should!), I decided to rejoin a few dating sites. I had joined some, as I said before, shortly after I got divorced but I didn’t really have many dates , met some straight up nutjobs, and I wasn’t ready. After my campaign to go on more dates fell short (and encountered more fools), I said the hell with it. I threw myself into school, work and getting myself together. But…I decided about 3 months ago to give more “reputable” sites a chance.   I don’t want to go into many details about who Ive met. Some great guys Some not so great. Since that time I’ve had a handful of first dates…some more memorable than others . Even a second date
Well…it’s nice that I have all these options. It's like being at a buffet....and not wanting to eat sh*t on it..

 But the truth of the matter is, there are unlimited NON-options.  Men with far too many children than I’d like. Men who are as old as my dad yet living like college students. Men who find my financial situation laughable.  Men who are kinda caught up in their own careers. Men who apparently have far too much time and too many choices. Men who are full of general rachetness.  Men who just wanna be friends-with-benefits. Men who seem like they get bored easily after a few weeks…days when they don’t get what they want.  Men I get excited about…but..I can tell aren’t mutually excited. But truthfully, I’m bored too.   I mean..I certainly cant be an option for them. I understand...things take time but..if you aren't communicative..then that leaves me the impression that I’m just something to ‘do”…a slot-filler. It’s an endless merry-go-round I’m on and I certainly wanna get off (the ride that is). I’m looking for the MUTUAL passion. I’m looking for the MUTUAL spark. …. But deep in my heart, I know none of this is going anywhere and it feels impossible to find. After a while, the communication stops. The needle on the record scratches.  The butterflies I feel just leave. After a while…I just keep it moving….back to life. Back to reality. High over….gotta come down.

I feel like I exert the effort. I’m the one who reaches out…who cares enough to want to get to know someone. It can’t be one-sided. Although passion fades quickly, I have to feel something.  Right now, I’m not. I want my palms to sweat..and my heart race. I want to actually do all these cutesy things I have planned for a potential partner but the more I try…the more the hope dies inside.

I sat in the hospital with my mother this week, trying to calm her nerves while she had a procedure w/ her heart done  (no worries..she’s fine). She held my hand and then she said “I just want you happy! I just want you to FEEL something. You don’t smile anymore. You’ve not mentioned anyone you’re seeing. You don’t even FEEL anything, baby??”  I had to hold back the tears. I actually had a date later that night and she was thrilled though I didn’t give her much details.  She just wants me happy (and some Grandkids…LOL) but I am having my own doubts. She’s right…I’m emotionally numb but at the same time…I couldn’t tell her that I have been the one doing all the feeling (as usual) while the dude(s) have been the ones fading.  And I don’t know if any of them are worthy of me mentioning them. Why waste my breath if the feeling isn’t mutual??(sigh) I’m not even sure what I’m doing anymore. It’s been almost 3 years since I got divorced and not one last, significant anything. It def isn’t due to a lack of trying on my part.

Valentine’s Day is around the corner. I’ve never been THAT big into the holiday but I also recognize that my love language is a tie which includes. receiving gifts and quality time. It’s been 3 years since I’ve done anything significant involving that day. It woulda been nice but….the thought of actually doing something romantic is fleeting to me. Quality Time? Not gonna happen. Gifts…Nintendo, please! (LOL).

So I end this blog with a song….something that epitomizes how I’m feeling right now.

Peace,

Comments

  1. That is such a pretty song by Tank!

    Despite the emotional numbness that you describe feeling, I think the silver lining is that you obviously still believe in love and believe in your heart that you'll find him (him = Mr. Right).

    Reminds me of a quote from my favorite character, Charlotte, from SATC: "Charlotte: I've been dating since I was fifteen! I'm exhausted! Where is he?"

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

2018: A Year Without Fear

I used to make these lofty, resolution goals each year. The older I got, the grander my ideas became. That is until I reached the age of 30 and my entire life shifted.

At the time, I was divorced, living totally on my own, trying to rebuild myself financially and trying to figure out my next move toward happiness. That was at the time I started this blog.... which started out as my chronicling the dating and mating of a 30 something divorcee' in the South's Largest Metropolis. I was trying to date. I was trying to establish myself financially. And I was trying to find my purpose.

So much has changed in the almost 9 years since I started this blog. I've traveled alone. I gained and lost friends. I got into a Ph.D. program. I got re-married. I lost my mother, my best friend.... not to mention my uncle, cousin, and aunt. I gained a sweet baby girl.  I went from getting my bliss.... to trying to balance that bliss with my own life..... Yet in trying to find the balance, I alw…

Frat Boys, Toxic Masculinity and the #METOO Movement

(scene from Spike Lee's famous School Daze)

A few weeks ago, my sorority held its national convention on New Orleans. Coincidently, another fraternity was also holding their national convention in New Orleans. Naturally, the jokes, mostly in jest, played upon the fact that these two groups, full of single, attractive and smart folks would be "on the prowl" and looking to "hook up" in the city known for its strong drinks, Southern heat, and hospitality. It was all jokes until nastiness decided to rear its ugly head.

You had men in the other fraternity sexually harassing and being obscene to my sorority sisters who just wanted to have fun and handle the business of the sorority (and network.. and yes.. meet men in a somewhat safe space).  There were stories of men groping women. Men saying disgusting things and then being like "Well fuck you then" if women rejected them. You would HOPE and think that college-educated men wouldn't act this way.

But..…

The Ides of Birthdays

My 39th birthday is in two weeks.
*sigh*
You know, I feel like I write the same type of blog around my birthday every year. I get extremely introspective and pensive about the whole thing. But this is my last year of my 30s and I am feeling all of the feelings that have ever and could be felt. I hate trying to bring this up to folks.. who are always wanting to remind you of "well.. you got this.. you got that...". As if you haven't dealt with depression long enough to realize it doesn't matter what you have... if one piece is missing.. it throws it all off.
While yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of my mom's passing, I realized she wouldn't be here for my 40th. That was a hard pill to swallow. I thought for sure we'd be celebrating a lot that year... my Ph.D... a baby... a big, fancy car..... all of that. I only have one of those things so far but still... I was hoping that having her hold on at least until then would be the icing on my cake.
My life feels…