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Sisters, Dating, and The Black Church

A friend of mine tweeted an article she found on about race in America. The focus was on dating and black women…and how the church may be hurting black women.
I always keep an open mind when I read. But I have long felt that the Church isn’t that conducive to women. Note: I didn’t say religion or even spiritual belief. If anything, those are positives. But the church is man-made, often corrupt, and way too influential by man over the spirits of women. Religion teaches you to leave what’s harmful; The Church will tell you to stay. Sprit instructs you to be guided by a force greater than yourself, whereas The Church teaches you to be led by a man/woman who has their own personal beliefs. The problem isn’t “religion” and its influence on dating, it’s the Church. Women in church (as the article states) look to the pastor as THE ALPHA male, a model for men. That’s not a good idea…because this can manifest in romantic feelings for a pastor. We know all too well the stories of the pastor cheating with the church secretary and etc.

The article (which also had video), painted the picture of a very pious woman who had an unwavering dedication to men and her AME upbringing. She wants a man to know Jesus and if he wants her he too has to have a relationship with The Father.

I can respect that…but what if someone has a spiritual upbringing but isn’t a church attendee on the regular OR believes in God, lives right, but doesn’t go to church. Should you automatically rule him out? Personally, I’ve never been a super regular church go-er but I do go. I do believe in the Heavenly father and I do want a man with a spiritual guide source of any kind. Does he have to go to church? Be a Baptist? Not swear or drink on Sundays? No…not at all.

The psychologist in the article said no woman should rule out a man because of that and we as women are being too literal in our interpretation of the bible and that on Sunday, that right may be at the ESPN Zone and not church watching the game... I totally agree with her. What’s the harm in skipping a Sunday service (Go to Bible Study Wed night instead…) and going to a nice sports spot and chilling with nice men? How is covering your body from head to two going to get you a man too? No harm in showing some arms or legs (IN GOOD TASTE). Where does it say you have to be covered from head to toe? (You can argue all you want with that...but that was all man-made)

With all things in life, I believe in balance. I have aunts who haven’t been with men in a decade yet throw themselves into church, proclaiming Jesus will find you a man. Well...if there are no eligble men in church and that’s the only place oyu go, chances are slim you will find anyone. So guess’s not the church’s fault you are single…YOU are the reason you are single. Not saying church is the place you need to go to find a man, it’s an OPTION, but it def isn’t even the BEST option. It’s all on YOU. Men are everywhere...if you lead a totally “church filled life” and shun “secular” things such as a soul concert, an R rated movie, etc….how do you expect to find anyone?
I swear...sometimes we (black women) can be our own worst enemy. We pigeonhole ourselves and have this rigid dogmatic way of thinking.

My uncle just started a church. I thought what was unique about his church and its set up was how he said church didn’t have to be on Sunday. The Sabbath is what you make it. He has church on Saturday evening around 5 and they will get out well before 7. And bible study on Tuesday nights. He said that “Well...I think it’s nice because you can spend time on Sunday, maybe visit another church or even go watch the game, meet up with some friends, etc”. I laughed because most Pastors want your undivided time on Sunday and def aren’t as modern in their approach……(Besides, my uncle is a Cowboys fan. That ain’t happening. ) But I saw the structure as a time for women to maybe make time for themselves, get out and mingle and meet people without church taking up all their time.

Maybe more people will feel that way. Until then, if you choose to, ….keep on praying.


  1. Great post! I too am spiritual and consider myself Christian but am not able to make it to church weekly (or even monthly, if I'm being honest). Derek is spiritual and doesn't claim any denomination.... and hasn't stepped foot in a church since I met him. LOL! However, he is a decent, kind man who does his best to walk the straight and narrow, and that's good enough for me. If he eventually decides to go to church I'll be pleased, but it's never been a deal-breaker for me because that's just silly. You can love the Lord from anywhere, doesn't have to be from a pew!


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