I can pinpoint the day when it started...
I had a sorority sister who, by all accounts, (I) thought she was a friend to me. I was in school in a new state and around new people and she became a friend to me. She always wanted to set me up on dates...but..every dude she set me up with was NOT attractive to me. I went out on these dates because I was young and I figured a) I was bored, wanting to get out of the house. and b) I was hungry and sick of the meal plan I was on (lol). But no..no spark. EVERY dude she set me up with was not cute at all. IT started to give me a complex. She said.."Oh..i just thought that these guys would mesh well with you that's all". Ehh..no. One talked my head off..and one bored me...one as a sexual deviant...and one was just there was no spark.
I've always been shy and quiet..and I never approached dudes. But one day..I had finally got up the courage to approach a guy, one gorgeous half black/half Asian fraternity brother of mine. I was so excited because I got the guy's number. We talked..but I felt something wasn't right. He wasn't responsive. He didn't pay attention to anything that I said. I was crushed. I told my "friend" at the time and she goes "Oh gosh! Why'd you talk to him! You're not his type..he likes a more "fit" girl..like MY OTHER friend....I mean you have a great face but he really prefers someone pretty AND fit". I realized then that all the dates she set me up on were with dudes whom she felt were "in my league"....ugly, overweight, fat. Clearly, she didn't have a high opinion of me. And perhaps she even took it a step further and may have even talked to the guy. (On a side note..this same "friend" was supposed to be in my wedding and back out. I didn't speak to her again. BUT..when I got divorced..my ex told me SHE was trying to set him up with folks....again...she wasn't much of a friend). I can't blame her totally...but I def know she probably just added heat to an already festering insecurity.
Anyway...That was it for me. She had dome irreparable damage to my psyche. After that, when I ran across guys that fine, I clam up and would just avoid them altogether in social settings. I told myself I could a) guys like this were too attractive for me and weren't attracted to me b) never approach a man again and c) I'd never approach a man who was clearly "out of my league". This isn't to say I'd just date ugly dudes fro the rest of my days..and my ex husband wasn't an ugly man by any means. BUT..I def stopped dating or even approaching men and I didn't expect those kind of men to be attracted to me. I did try it briefly after I was divorced..and dude shot me down...and instead wanted to talk to my cousin (who wasn't even remotely interested in him). Once again...I was way outta bounds and it gave me a total blow to my confidence. Dude was just a bit too "extraordinary". I figured I'd stay in my "league". Find a smart, fairly attractive (think more/less Hill Harper and wayyy less Boris Kodjoe) guy who didn't look like a supermodel, body builder type..he was just a regular dude who was kind and cute to me. I'd rather just save myself the embarrassment.
I've been in situations where a man can be so fine talking to me that my palms sweat, I get physically hot inside, and I feel nauseated. I smile through it but after a while I'll just excuse myself and avoid the guy for the rest of the night. Let him talk to a supermodel., a chick with a bigger ass, whatever. And I've done it to my friends..I know a good looking guy, avoid any hint or inkling that I may be attracted to the guy (and I very well could be) and I set them up with a friend, just to avoid any ideas that I may get about being attracted to the guy because deep down I feel like I'm not that guy's type. He wouldn't go for me and maybe just maybe..I don't deserve that dude. (if there's any such thing as deserving a "person" so to speak). In the event I DO meet a guy who's super good looking and the relationship went sour OR he left me for a girl with better assets, I wouldn't be surprised....I couldn't be hurt or mad. Could Gabby Sidibe really be made if Evan Ross wasnt into her??? Should she date the dude who played Biggie in Notorious?
Do you ever have that feeling that you meet someone and they are, at least looks wise, way out of your league? Does it make you nervous? Does it have you questioning yourself and your judgement? Is there even such a thing as being "out of your league"? How on earth can we get outta this "self imposed" dating restriction on ourselves??
I'm trying to be more outgoing and less shy, all while allowing guys to still approach me (Im old fashioned, definitely). I'm trying to allow myself to think "Sure that fine guy could holler at me if he was interested". It hasn't happend in a SUPER long time..but now I think I wont look at it with skepticism anymore.