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What You Can Learn From An Affair...

...from having an affair that is.

**Note: The following is a semi-factual account gathered from not only my personal experience, but the experiences of others**
I have been no saint in my life. I am 31 years old and I am bound to make some mistakes in my lifetime... Some BIG mistakes. One of which was dealing with a married man....

Let's just say I didn't know at the time dude was still married (of course he concealed it well)...but after it was exposed, it was TRULY too late to turn back the hands of time. We had gotten totally caught up. What was supposed to be one time happened repeatedly...

He was a friend. Truly a friend. We had known each other for years...lots of years. I looked at him as a big brother.  I wasnt even all that attracted to him. He wasnt the finest (although he had gorgeous features) man I knew. And although there was obvious chemistry, we never acted on it.  But as things slowly got worse for me at the time in my life, it made it easier to lean on him. And in a time of vulnerability (esp, for me), it happened.  Instantly, I felt a little quesy about it. Was this ok? Once I knew the truth about his status (truth of the matter is he never really was clear on if he was seperated..divorcing..divorced..or what...), I was angry and ashamed. I felt guilt ridden and hurt...I laid all my transgressions down on the altar call at church and asked God to forgive me. I had been cheated on. Lord knows what his wife could feel. She seemed like a nice woman...and although I didnt know her, I didnt want her on the receiving end of pain. I am just thankful things didn't escalate to a Tiger Woods type drama or even worse...Steve McNair. After a while, I had to stop talking to the guy. It's like...part of me felt smothered...I felt like he had to know each and every detail about me. And I felt like I needed to feed off of the compliments, advice, and sex he gave me. I realized I loved him..and that he indeed was a soulmate (I feel soulmates can come in all ways..not just romantc)...but I learned a few things in dealing with him briefly.

1) If you are gonna be a mistress, get something out of it: A bill paid, some money, something. All dude fed me was compliments and affections  and sex...and filled that voice in my life long ago.  As my mama says.."If you gonna be a whore..whore with a purpose".

2) I was able to seperate physical from emotional. Sex from Love. VERY easily. I could care for dude..but after a while..I didnt CARE what he thought or said. Just do your thing and be gone..cause that's what you are here for. I was able to turn of true interest and desire in a heartbeat. Detachment in these situations was the only way to go. We dont LOVE each other..and that's how it should be. In a good way, it made me colder and learn to be cold.

3) I love HOW the person made me feel (physically and emotionally) but I hated how I FELT afterwards.

4) Addiction is real. I was addicted to the compliments and how sexy he made me feel. I allowed him in a sacred space in whcih he really didnt deserve to be at all.  The sex wasn;t anything too compelling. It wasnt the stuff of romance novels or even a porn.  But I felt addicted to what came wth it..the "You are so beautiful" and the speaking to me in low, soft tones. That is what drew me to him...

5) You can and will compromise yourself and belief system for attention. Because I felt that void, I didnt mind bending my own person rules re: male/female interaction. The texts, the "sexting", the overtly sexual behavior. It wasn't really me. What was I doing? Becomes this wanton sex-kitten? For what purpose. And on top of that he was critical..he knit picked on what I wore..how I shaved my bikini line...who I went out with (as if he was jealous),..the shape of my legs and if I waxed them...It was all a bit too much.


Later after some time had passed and space was between us, I asked him what he learned in all this. He didnt express remorse or guilt.  Quite the contrary, he felt that things happened "organically" and he didn't quesiton it or felt a damn bit of guilt. He felt narcisstically responsible for "opening up my inner freak".  He said he leanred about :"connectednes and companionship". (I'm not even sure what that means). I think he feels that if he's taking care of home...he' not going to get "caught". Well....I really don't think it's true. I even asked why he was staying...and he said "She's my best friend". If someone is your best friend, I wouldnt think you would hurt them so badly, whether they knew or not.

I was never a "mistress" in the traditional sense. I wasn't kept well or taken care of, He didnt pay a single bill.. I was just the side-peice jump off...and a person who's ear he bent. I often wondered  if he slept with me one night..and slept with her the SAME night. Was I there to "get him ready" for his real job? I felt like absolute shit.

I think there is a lot that can be said about  this. I dont know if I'd do it again. But I will say it made me grow thick skin. It made me realize there are consequences to being used and being a user. Seen and Unseen. There were reprocusions to being in desperate need of affection and attention.  You still were left with half-a-man, half-a -companion, empty promises, empty truths,  and an empty bed at night.  It's a quick fix...it allows you go have that intimacy without getting too deepth and causes a cavern of distance and detachment.  You aren't invested emotionally although you are an active and willing participant. It's safe-because they dont love you they won't hurt you.

I was sure I couldnt continue on with this long term. It was a life lesson that I vowed to never do again no matter how well it satiated the pain.  It served a purpose. I'm sure some of you will judge...some of you will even ask "Is this true??"














I'll let you wonder.....

Comments

  1. I will look at it as being truth. Although it could very well be false, but that's how I choose to look at it.

    It's not likely that a man will feel any remorse for his cheating. I have to believe that it will take a man to lose his wife and family before he begins to really look at things from the woman's perspective.

    I think it was thoughtful of you to think about his wife, in this instance. Sometimes a man can become bored with the every day dealings of his wife and ... wait, why am I acting like you don't already know this? Of course you do!


    Damn. Dude was able to enjoy himself like that and still not pay a single bill? He must've knew his ish.

    ReplyDelete
  2. What you mean "knew his isht"? Lmao! Like I said before.. This is NOT about me totally..about a bunch of my friend's experiences in addtion to very few of my own (I got a limited knowledge on this stuff). But some if it may or maynot be true! ;)
    I don't think a lotta men thing they will get caught which is why they have no remorse. Remorse is what makes you stop...

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think it was very honest and courageous of you to post this. I think also, having been on both sides, you can relate to the pain of both. Not an easy position to be in, as the wife or the mistress, I know. :-(

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh. You know what I mean! LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I must say that I was once in this situation. I mean I knew dude since high school and we never messed around. I ended up running into him 10 years later and we started an affair. He was married and I in a serious relationship at the time. We eneded up falling in love and getting married 10 years later. And I don't feel like how I got him I may lose him. But it was very hard to decide if I wanted to stay or leave. Never the less if we ever end up apart I won't hate him and we will always be friends for life...

    ReplyDelete
  6. @Charbee....I think, just as they stated in the movie He's Just Not That Into You..you are def. the exception....and I am certainly the "rule"

    ReplyDelete

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