March 6, 2010

My Relationship with B.O.B.

This week I picked up the new Raheem Devaughn album Love and War MasterPeace (Deluxe Edition). I had been eagerly awaiting the new album as Raheem is probably one of my fav neo-soul singers that is out and putting out quality work. Everyone had told me (who heard sneak previews of the album), that I needed to prepare myself. It was definitely a sexy album. I closed my eyes and with each song, it took me to a very sensual place. I thought to myself “Boy…I’d get in trouble with this one and end up pregnant and have to seen Mr. Devaughn an action for Child Support”. Raheem definitely painted some hot and steamy pictures. With each song, I was transported to some sexy dates in my head…..then I heard his song called “B.o.B”.

What’s a BOB? Well...all ladies know what a BoB is. Some of us have had some long standing relationships with BoB? It’s our “Battery Operated Boyfriend”. I’m going to let Raheem explain it a little better…..sang it, Raheem!

Although the subject matter was a bit comical, Raheem definitely put a sexy and erotic spin on it. He said “BoB definitely can’t do what a real man can” basically. And trust me, with the picture Raheem paints, we definitely want what he has to offer. A man is much more talented than a manufactured BoB.

Hmmm…that may be so (and we all would prefer a real man) but often times BoB is a HELL of a lot more reliable than a real dude.
First off, you don’t have to worry about “scheduling” conflicts with BoB. BoB comes when you want him…and trust me...HE COMES. BoB doesn't need ego stroking...or viagra! BoB doesn’t come with excuses as to why he can’t come that day. BoB isn’t trying to juggle you, his baby mama, and another chick on rotation. And if you invest in a GOOD BoB he will ROTATE… just for you. BoB is disease and drug free and most of all bitchassness free. BoB comes in a variety of shapes, colors and even speeds. BoB doesn’t talk crap in bed and says “Who’s is it!!???” or “Are you gonna come?” or “Is it good?” to where you have to roll your eyes and fake enjoyment. You never have to fake anything with BoB. Either you get it, or you don’t. And when you don’t, there is no 15 minute period of “yo...let me rest up and I’ll get back in there!” Oh no...BoB goes right back to work. Sure your hand might get tired and you might have to replace the batteries, but BoB damn sure is reliable. Most of all…BoB doesn’t lie to you. He’s who he all his glory. You don’t have to play the guessing game and say to yourself “Lord...let this man be a cruise ship and not a tug boat!!” BoB doesn’t smell like horrible cologne or have holes in his drawers or uncut toenails. You don’t have to ask BoB to put on a condom or remind him to put the toilet seat down. In a way...BoB is the perfect, well-lubed machine.

For me, BoB is a great alternative as I am really trying to hold out on the “bumping uglies” until I find someone I truly care about and who cares about me (not jus marginally likes me or tolerates me...he truly CARES for me). Although BoB (actually...mine is named Adonis...LOL) is collecting dust, I still take him out, look at him, and smile cause I know he’s gonna be there IF I it gets tough and I have to call on him. BoB truly will work overtime to make me happy! However, despite the great uses of BoB, he does have his disadvantages. BoB can’t stroke my locs out my face…or whisper to me…or do that thing with my leg and his arms. BoB often times will get tossed in frustration at the fact that he had to be used in the first place! Where’s a GOOD penis when you need one?? But then, all is forgiven and BoB is welcomed back into your loving…er….arms like a jilted lover. In my lifetime, I’ve had 3 BoB’s and eventually...batteries couldn’t even bring them back to life. They had to get tossed to the wayside.

But…I will keep Raheem’s words in the back of my head...and pray one day that BoB can be officially retired (well...maybe not totally retired… just put back on the shelf). And that perhaps I can meet a great guy who will put BoB to shame.

Hope whoever that is, is up for the challenge! You have some pretty big shoes to fill, buddy!


  1. Haha, hilarious!

  2. Loves it!!! Lol

  3. I wondered what "B.O.B" stood for. Judging from what it gives opposed to what men possibly give...I'd say we as men need to get and keep our ish together.

    Too funny @ getting pregnant and suing dude for child support. The Devaughn joint is definitely a masterpiece.



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