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How to Approach Mocha



One of my guy friends told me I was “too picky” in my approach toward men. I am going to have to disagree. I’m simple. Therefore, here is a simple guide on how to (or how not to) approach Mocha- the quintessential Southern belle. Do these things..to avoid embarrassment:


Please be attractive. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder Well… I’m judge Joe Brown of beauty. Look, I’m not all that picky nor do I think I am the finest thing. If I am not feeling you, I am not feeling you. It’s nothing personal. I know what turns me on. Things like height, weight, complexion, even race are not all that important. But please don’t be Biggie Smalls..Please don’t be Woody Allen. In other words, be attractive to ME!


Do have some (for lack of better word) “swag”. I don’t mean Jay Z type swag on some pseudo-thug isht!. I’m thinking Billie Dee/Sidney Poitier/Billy Eckstein kind of swag. I like a balance of smooth and corny. Smart and Sophisticated with a great sense of humor. Please don’t be a complete cornball. This is not Hitch. This is not a romantic comedy. This is real life. That type of awkwardness only works in movies. Look great...feel great.

Don’t touch me. I know I’m so dead sexy you can’t resist putting your hands on me. But first impressions are must. Don’t touch me. I don’t mean an introductory hug or a handshake or even a small peck on the cheek (quite French). But these are only permissible if the attraction is mutual and palbable. Above all these things, DON’T TOUCH ME. Don’t touch my locs especially. Don’t grab my arm. Don’t try and pull me close. Conversely…

Don’t give me the church hug. This is ONLY applicable if you are HOT and there is attraction. (For the record..you’ll know I think you are hot if I tell you so…or I compliment you…or something flattering like easing close to you and smiling..a LOT I love to smile..esp. when I have the nervous excitement. Otherwise, do not pass go. Do not collect $200). If you give me the “church hug” at either the beginning or the end of our date, I’ll know you aren’t into me (or misread that and think that you aren’t). I’ll be totally turned off (and a little sad).

Compliment me with class. There is a way to compliment..and then there is a way NOT to compliment. Please read an etiquette book. For example: ”That dress looks amazing on you” versus “Damn your titties look good in that dress!”. See the difference? Also, dont CONSTANTLY compliment me "Oh god..you are so beautiful".."Oh your smile is amazing". That gets annoying as HELL.

Don’t expect you buying me a drink to mean that you get to be in my company all night. That does NOT give you a pass to harass.

Do not bore me to death. Trust I’m bored if I start to play with my Blackberry. If I turn my Blackberry OFF, you have my full attention. Let’s change up the convo a little. I’m a diverse chick. Trust me I can hang.

Don’t comment on my physique at first meeting. Yes these 38 DD’s are awesome but please do not let them blind you. Don’t tell me how “thick” I am or how sexy I look or how “you don’t look that fat” or “you look skinnier in your pictures” or “your butt isn’t THAT flat”. OH NO! I’m gonna need you to come better than that and keep those eyes up top, buddy! (or at least be slick about it!)

Do not overtalk me or dominate the conversation.A conversation is two people talking and mutually exchanging ideas. If you notice after a while that I am saying only the following: “uh huh, yes, no, maybe, sure, right, etc….” then you know I am not feeling you OR our conversation and there is NO chemistry.

Don’t talk too much about money, your job, or etc. Don’t try and impress me with the “club you belong to” or the “investments you are making”. That’s awesome but…let’s ease into that with some humility.

Do not show me the BILL at the end of the date. OR ask me on a date then expect ME to pay for my own shit unless dutch has been established upfront. You asked me, patna. NOW..if I asked YOU, I will gladly be paying for us both. I’m a modern woman. I know we are not living in the best of economic times. I’m all for fairness. I’ll even leave the tip sometimes.

Do smile. Practicing being hard went out in 98. Don’t mean mug especially if you are attractive…Conversely…DON’T talk about how attractive or hot you are…and you aren’t. How will you know you aren’ t attractive to me…I’m definitely NOT smiling at you. (see the above about church hugs)

There is NO SEX on the first date. EVER. So don’t even try and go there. But..there are great and awesome first kisses (sometimes..LOL). If the kiss is good..trust me you will know. There will be some head holding..some heavy breathing…etc. If it is not. I’ll quickly turn to go to my door and run as fast as I can to my Scope. If I come 90…please do come 10. Don’t have me play myself.

Do refrain from overly sexual conversations. I don’t wanna hear about how you did the damn thang with your ex OR what you wanna do things to me. I don’t want to hear about how you cheated on your ex 4 times and didn’t get caught. I don’t want to hear about your penis size. I don’t wanna hear about anything of a sexual nature. We can save that for later…as in..IF we have sex at all.

Leave your past in the past. I dont wanna hear about any ex's..or what your ex used to do. I dont want to hear you bash them or call them names. I dont want to hear about your baby mama. Make it black history!

Being open should be limited at first meetings. I appreciate folks being open yet you dont need to lay it ALL on the table at first meeting. I dont need to know about your erectile dysfunction or how terrible the divorce was (for the record..I DEF try not to discuss my divorce on first meetings).

Do be a gentleman. Chivalry isn’t dead. Open my door. Take my coat. Help me put my coat on. Pull out my chair. Gently wipe away something that may be on my lip…(that’s kinda sexy). You know, have some home training.

Do smell good. But do not knock me out with the amount of cologne you are wearing. Cologne is an awesome way to impress me.

Don’t try planning the next date if I’m not feeling the first date OR the current company I am in. We have to have some sort of chemistry, even as friends, to take it to the next level or even want to spend time together.

Do ask for my phone number…and use it. Don’t text me to death. Don’t instant message me to death. Call me… Let’s have a great conversation….that could lead to something more. And don’t have phone sex with me the first night…come on, son!

Don't read into anything TOO DEEPLY. Hey..this is a first meeting/date. That doesn't mean I'm feeling you...this is an "interview"...gotta get to know you!


More than anything, be relaxed. Be cool, be calm. Be charming. Be funny. Just be yourself.



That’s all a girl like me could ask for :)

Comments

  1. I commend you on this post. So honest that even when I laughed I understood your every word.

    What more can I say? You know men so well.

    ReplyDelete
  2. If I truly knew men so well.. Thangs would be different! :)

    ReplyDelete

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