So what does celibacy look like for a man?
Oh let’s not think that it’s not possible. Or that is laughable to think of this as some alternative. Or that men are “biologically wired to plumage and plant their seeds”. Wrong! Men have something I like to call “self-restraint” and control. Something that God put within them as soon as God fashioned them as a human being.
Men have this fatal and dangerous belief that for them, sex is a game. Sex is something they can detach from their psyche and take off and on like a fine pair of Kenneth Coles. Their penises are not attached to their souls or brains (Little Head/Big Head) and that falsely, every woman must have penis envy. That isn’t true at all.
What would a relationship look like for a man if he got rid of the sexual component? Would he be bored? Or would he grow as a man? The quote from the book puts it best:
"Sexual favor before marriage simply stunts the growth of boys into real men who can shoulder the responsibility of others because they have moved outside the narrow confines of their own immediate needs"
This isn't to say that a "man isn't a man" if he abstains. This is to say, that sometimes sex gets in the way of your personal growth and development. Spending so much time focusing on what girl to screw, how to screw her and not caring about her is tiring and time consuming. Think about all the personal development you could have done without that "distraction'. Think about all the time you wasted trying to get in a girl's panties only to feel empty in the end. What can you do instead to fill that time? You can focus on your personal relationship with God, career goals, educational goals, family connectivity, community outreach etc. Heck, you can focus on if you like women at all! Sexually or otherwise, you may not even like the company of women. *shrug*
Nevertheless, speaking in terms of a heterosexual "normative" (and I hate to use that word...but I can only speak for that...), sex for a man is very self-centered. It is all about your own gratification. What about the woman? Yes she may feel an orgasm or two (or none. LOL), but what is she getting out of it. And are you sleeping with women you can see as potential wives or mothers? Or just going for the banging body and high priced weave? Does she stimulate your mind or just allows you to bust a nut? Yes...self-centered indeed.
If you take sex out the equation, as a man, you'll very much learn the art of courting (and in turn teach a woman a thing or two about it). Yes, I've used that term time and time again on here. People CLAIM they know it. But in a day and age where so much is about instantaneous gratification, I think we have lost all sense of the word "court". Men (again in a male/female relationship) are to take the lead in a lot of ways. Call me old fashioned, but I def don't see myself planning the dates, PAYING for all the dates, etc. Women want to be woo-ed, pursued, excited. We want to be with a man who is exciting and excited to be with US as a woman, not just when we take out clothes off and you get a physical response. Courting is that "getting to know you" process that has been replaced by Facebook pages and Twitter responses and texting. That's not getting to know you. Sharing a coffee. Some ice cream. Laughing at a movie. Walking in the park. Gentle, intimate moments where you are not rushing and are taking your time. Courting opens the door for true intimacy.
INTIMACY. It's a word , like courting, that we think we know but we don't. Men in particular feel as though if they show some sense of "intimacy" it makes them weak and vulnerable. Sensitivity and vulnerability to intimacy does just the opposite. It shows us you are strong enough in your manhood to let us in.
I think this is what a man is afraid, truly, to take sex out of the equation and become celibate. To be celibate is to be vulnerable. To be faced with the challenge of "growing up" and walking in full manhood. To let someone see all of you, not the you masked in sexual bravado and toe-curling orgasms. Sex is so easy to hind behind. In sex, you feel like superman and you have no flaws. In sex, you can do no wrong and you are always the hero. Sex literally saves you from having to be honest.
When I was younger, the big joke when a guy was a virgin was they would call him an "ol AC Green type n**ga" (in reference to the former L.A. Laker, a devout Christian, who was celibate until he got married )While we all laughed and joked, deep inside, I think every girl wishes that a man would tone down the sex or even more, save it JUST for her. That she was his one and only. What was sad was that we were taught most times that would never be the case. That was a LOT to ask and unbelievable. Surely, he'd have a few notches in his belt by the time he got to you. And even more mythological was the notion that "you'd want him to know what he was doing" (not realizing, really, the mechanics of sex ain't that deep. LOL). We as a society made men feel ashamed to hold back that part of themselves, questioning their sexuality, masculinity, and etc if they chose to do so. In reality, that man (if I knew such a man) would be the strongest man I'd know.
Sex, as a teenager (and even as an adult) was thrown at us everyday. And particularly with black men, it was as if sexual bravado was a badge of honor. I can only relate this to being brought to America from the shores of Africa as nothing but "workers, laborers" and above all else "BREEDERS". Yes, men in our culture have a "breeder" mentality. Their self worth was wrapped up in what they could produce, whether the mode of production was bails of cotton or bails of babies. You would think we've grown past this. But we haven't. With the proliferation of baby mothers and broken homes and sisters and brothers with two different mothers, we have seen that not much has change since 1619 when blacks hit the shores of Jamestown. We are still stuck in "breeder"mode. Not knowing that our self worth is more than that.
I say all of this to say, to men, that maybe a period of celibacy for YOU isn't a bad thing. Whether you want to save yourself for your wife or just need a period to cleanse, detox, and court the Creator, it isn't a BAD thing. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You'll learn a lot about yourself as a man, as a potential father, husband, son, etc. You will learn about boundaries. You'll really learn about a woman and/or why you treated women the way you did. Was it reflection of your upbringing? Were you, yourself, fatherless? What were the messages and miseducation you got around sex, especially as a black man? Did you feel sex was a way to mask your intimate self? What if you just turned off that component of your life? Can you deal?. And I don't mean just a "dry" spell. A serious, conscious break from sex. You'll be surprised what a little break in the "action" can do for you.
Take it from a woman who would respect you if you did. ;)