September 11, 2011

The Big "C".....

It's probably as bad as "cancer"....(ok..not really..let me stop being dramatic"), but the word "celibacy" strikes as much fear in the hearts of men (and women) as would cancer. And just like cancer, it seems as though people have the same reaction to the idea/word "celibacy".

They don't know what to do or what to say. They are shell shocked and a little taken back. They aren't sure to feel sorry for me or to cheer me on and encourage me.

The scariest part is actually going back out here and dating. One guy I told gave me a high five. What? High five? That was so weird. Another guy laughed and said "Are you serious?" Some just get really, really quiet. Stunned and defeated.

I was reading an article a while ago in the AJC and it asked the question : "If you are celibate, when do you spring it on the guy that you are not going there sexually? How can you date?" I posed the question to my friends. Some said date 1. Others said that was too soon..give it 3 to 5 dates because dude might not even be around after day 1.

The thought of telling a man I'm celibate makes me sorta nauseated.  Furthermore, the thought of putting on a sexy dress, heels, and looking killer on a date just to "serve a meal to a hungry man and he STILL can't eat", is too torturous for me and the guy. So I've just chosen to sit back and chill.  Yes, I know that's going to make it tougher but I can't and don't know how to date. Men have sex in the forefront of their minds. I have no idea if someone is interested in the "courting" process anymore. I guess my cute shoes and body con Kardashian dress will just sit in the closet collecting dust. *sigh*

I'm still reading this book on Sex and Celibacy. I am hoping somehow it will tell me how to date as a celibate woman. Somehow I don't have much hope. That isn't even me usually. Somehow I always have a glimmer of hope. ALWAYS. I know I seem so tough like things never really bother me. But they do. I just shove them and push them down deeper.  And although it's been about 5 months since no sex...and a few weeks since I declared consciously that I'd not engaged sexually anymore, I feel a pain inside.

The book I am reading said "There is nothing more healing to a woman that a man's arms". Yes..that's true. There is something so healing and securing about that place. You feel safe. A kiss on the forehead seals the deal that "I'm here. Nothing will hurt you including me" (even if it's only temporary).  Although the feminist in me wants to say "that's hogwash!", the romantic in me nods fervently.

Our Skype session last week had me thinking about it more as one of the participants said her current boyfriend told her he wouldn't have dated her if she was celibate. That makes me a little sad. Is everyone feeling that way? Does that add pressure to a woman to "put out" to keep a guy around? And the bigger question is, what kind of guy will stay? And if he stays, is it an act of pure respect or wearing you down?

I'm trying to get over the fear of getting out there and the fear of reactions. And being open to a date or two. Or meeting a nice guy. Only to eventually have to tell him "I'm not allowing penis entry right now" (LOL).  Is that even possible? Will even a good guy stay? Or will he go? How do you do that?

No seriously...HOW do you do that???


  1. Well, I think the choice you've made is admirable. Stay true to what is best for you, but don't let the dress collect dust!

  2. Yea I think it's admirable too. I was celibate until I turned 24... the first and only guy I had sex with is now my husband, and I honestly believe that my celibacy was rewarded. I always felt that the man who was able to con me out of my drawls (LOL) was the man i was meant to marry. i remember folks in college saying - you're too old to be a virgin. Apparently giving the cookies was the in thing to do in college (said with a heavy dose of sarcasm). Stay strong. :)

  3. And - girl rock that dress. Even if it's a night out with the girls.

  4. I definitely don't think its a conversation that needs to be had on Day 1, or even Date 3 for that matter. Sex shouldn't even be on the table at that point, so its none of their darn business. ;-) By the time ya'all get to the point where you're starting to talk about it, he'll already be smitten... and i think, if anything, it will be more intriguing to him. I think he'll enjoy the challenge of getting to know your mind deeply and intimately. You can do plenty of other "fun" things before the act, and once you know it the time-frame will have passed, and you may feel comfortable going there with him.

  5. I was waiting on my celibacy to be rewarded after 10 yrs and it never happened although I didn't go into the journey looking or expecting to be rewarded per se rather trying to live by God's word and I know he honors obedience (so I am yet holding on).

    One of my male friends was celibate for 2yrs until he married his wife and I know another straight single black man that is celibate it's rare but they do exist.

    I say rock your dress and anything else as one who has been single for yrs if I waited until I had a hot date to get dressed up I never would lol

    I think a 1st date is to soon esp if you arent even sure if you want a 2nd date.

    See you on Skype this week!!

  6. More blogs on celibacy!!!
    and post pictures of you rocking the dress!

  7. Thanks so much ladies!! And welcome Splenda!!



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