Embracing The "Thickness"

Jilly from Philly is a brick house fa sho'

It took me 33 (ok..32.75) years to realize..

I am not skinny.


I will NEVER be skinny.


Ever.


The smallest I may get down to is a NICE solid 8...a 10 if I up the carbs....

And I am OK with that.....

Part of my embrace of my bliss in 2012 has also been coming to grips with my body image... As a kid, I have always had this love/hate relationship with my curves. I developed SUPER early, and was all boobs and thighs and no butt. I had a weird shape in my eyes. I got teased relentlessly....My name starts with a T so I got called every "Titty" joke in the book. I had no butt...and I got teased by guys about that. Yet I wanted to be thin. I didn't realize at 5'4 and 125 lbs I was STACKED....not fat...and went through periods of flirting with of bulimia and anorexia. That didn't last too long.....I like to eat. I used to run miles and stayed doing leg exercises because I was a cheerleader....little did I know I was FIONE....

When I got older, It just got worse. Video chicks were abound. College campuses filled with dime pieces that were not looking like you. I gained weight. Lost weight...and gained again. I was all over the place in size...8..10..12./..14 The largest I ever got was a size 16...and close to 180 lbs..... My wedding dress was a size 18 and I cried so hard realizing how large it was. I was devastated.

After the divorce, my own body image self consciousness really took a turn for the worse. I lived in ATLANTA...home of the Magic City dancers....and felt like men also had expectations that women look just as fine as those women... I took matters into my own hands and went on a SERIOUSLY strict diet, worked out 7 days a week for hours at a time and lost 50 lbs. I felt good...I was at ease. but then out of nowhere..the weight started to creep back up. I had no idea why....

It went to extreme levels where I was working out like a beast and not dropping a pound. I cried and cried..People began to notice the sudden weight gain.( Heck..part of the reason I was/am celibate is because I am not too comfortable with people seeing me naked. ) I was just out of it. After working hard to lose 50 lbs previously...clothes started not to fit... I was tired all the time. I didn't really eat badly but the weight was there... I went to the doctor and she diagnosed me with hypothyroidism: a disease of the thyroid gland where my metabolism slows to a halt, you gain weight, have tiredness, headaches and a bunch of other stuff. Once the doctor told me what the issue was, how I'd have to REALLY watch what I ate, take synthetic hormones for the rest of my life, and work out even harder, I got a grip on things. But she told me.."You may never be down to the size you were.....but you will be healthy" That was a hard pill to swallow.

But I am over it.

I  look at thicker role models like Jill Scott, Christiana Hendricks, Lalah Hathaway, Emily Bustamante, Scarlett Johanssan, Chrisette Michele, Serena Williams, and others.......and realize it is OK to be sexy and curvy. If I got a gut even if I work out...it is OK. (As Chris Rock says..it's some good p**y under that gut!! *LOL* ) Let me put on my Spanx and work the hell out of a bandage dress and stilettos. I may not be able to rock a two  piece, but I can get in a snazzy one-piece. I might not be able to shop at Victoria's secret...but I can rock some sexy Lane Bryant undies... And with all the news bombarding the images of black w omen and why we are single, our weight being one of those issues and matters of contention, I am tired of the assault on my psyche and I reject it. And as my mother once told me..."Baby..no man has turned down a naked woman...no matter what size she was...".


One day..I went and put on some lingerie....and looked in the mirror and smiled...I had filled out some...but I was still pretty hot...  I keep myself healthy, still working out and watching what I eat....it's just more of me to watch out for.


I'm OK with being thicker than normal. I mean..I am Southern for God sakes... and even if I don't drop another pound I  know...that I love me.....I love the new found appreciation for "the thickness"


..and someone out there will love "the thickness" too. Believe that...