I will be 33 years old in less than 5 months. By this time, I thought I would have a child by now. But such is not my fate.
In less than 5 months, it will also mark my being celibate (I hope) a full year. I siad that I would stop there. But I am thinking I am going to go onward...
I'm also a feminist. I am a womanist. And I am also an advocate for fair and equal reproductive justice. I believe I can do what I want, when I want, when it comes to my body and my reproductive rights. I am pro choice. I grew up in a very feminist, pro-choice household that advocated responsible sexual health and access to reproductive care.
I will be 33 in less than 5 months. If you can believe it, if I never have sex again....I would probably be ok.
I know. It seems shocking and unrealistic. But I am at a really good place spiritually. I feel so free. It is a terrible, drowning burden lifted. This insatiable need to please another person who really could care less. For the first time since before I was a virgin, I feel in total control of my body. Not lusted after. Not wanted for one illicit pleasure or another. And while I am not one to disclose my sexual habits, I just feel free of the drama of having to get undressed, buy new drawers (lol), and pretend I'm superwoman of the bedroom.
And although I hear people saying "What if the right guy comes along?" Or "what if you want to have a child?" I have made my peace with it. I will be 35 in 2 years. That was my cut off date. And right now, I do not see it. I don't want it. I am in the midst of career changes and PhD studies. I
All of this, celibacy, deciding not to have children, and the ironic part is I am still on birth control. *smh* $25 every freaking month for what? So...I decided on the radical decision to get an IUD, stop taking the pill, and basically increase my chances of not having a child. In the event that I do have sex, I do not want it to result in any "accidents". Abortion isn't a choice I want to make, despite being pro-choice.
My friends think I am crazy. That this must be a "phase" and I have lost my mind and/or sex drives. One accused me of "sterilizing" myself. One girl told me "Just go pill-less and see what happens! If you get pregnant...so what? You are grown and you have a job". What kind of craziness is that? How is that taking control of my reproduction if you basically want me to be a statistic: unwed, single Black, highly-educated mother. Oh yes, contrary to popular belief, most single mothers who are black are HIGHLY educated. I'm a PhD student, gainfully employed...I def don't want to be there. Not knocking those who are...it's just not for me. This is my body. And I do with it what I shall...
I do not want to forgo the natural childbearing alone. Particularly if I know who the father is. That's an emotional monkey that I do not want on my back. What if dude doesn't want to be with me? What if by some strange coincidence I find out he's married or with a girl? What if he's a deadbeat? What if he's way too involved? What if I love him...and he doesn't love me? Or vice versa?
Adoption is altogether a different subject. Giving love to a child who is unwanted?? That's different...it sounds contradictory but not really. Mothering does not mean childbirth. I could mother with our without it..and even with or without adoption.
Fact of the matter is, although giving birth in a marriage with my husband is optimal, I probably will not, and I need to tailor my life to that. Let's face facts: the availability of a suitor is slim, I'm getting older, I am busy, and quit frankly, sex isn't that big a deal to me anymore. This isn't a doom and gloom blog. Just the facts. Sex, especially sex outside of marriage or a committed relationship, isn't that appealing to me. (Actually, I've never been one too keen on sex outside of relationships, although my blog may not have reflected that)
I never thought I'd be here at this point in my life. I never thought that I'd be out of this hetero-normative idea of marriage, biological reproduction, and a "happily ever after". Truth is, perhaps it left me out. Perhaps the stats are against me. Perhaps I just feel this overwhelming freedom and control over my own destiny