Skip to main content

Reproductive Justice, Age, and Turning Tables.




I will be 33 years old in less than 5 months. By this time, I thought I would have a child by now. But such is not my fate.

In less than 5 months, it will also mark my being celibate (I hope) a full year. I siad that I would stop there. But I am thinking I am going to go onward...

I'm also a feminist. I am a womanist. And I am also an advocate for fair and equal reproductive justice. I believe I can do what I want, when I want, when it comes to my body and my reproductive rights. I am pro choice. I grew up in a very feminist, pro-choice household that advocated responsible sexual health and access to reproductive care.

I will be 33 in less than 5 months. If you can believe it, if I never have sex again....I would probably be ok.

*crickets*

I know. It seems shocking and unrealistic. But I am at a really good place spiritually.  I feel so free. It is a terrible, drowning burden lifted. This insatiable need to please another person who really could care less. For the first time since before I was a virgin, I feel in total control of my body. Not lusted after. Not wanted for one illicit pleasure or another. And while I am not one to disclose my sexual habits, I just feel free of the drama of having to get undressed, buy new drawers (lol), and pretend I'm superwoman of the bedroom.

*sigh*...how exhausting...*ugh*

And although I hear people saying "What if the right guy comes along?" Or "what if you want to have a child?" I have made my peace with it. I will be 35 in 2 years. That was my cut off date. And right now, I do not see it. I don't want it.  I am in the midst of career changes and PhD studies. I may will not actually birth a child. This isn't to say I won't be a mother...right?

All of this, celibacy, deciding not to have children, and the ironic part is I am still on birth control. *smh* $25 every freaking month for what? So...I decided on the radical decision to get an IUD, stop taking the pill, and basically increase my chances of not having a child. In the event that I do have sex, I do not want it to result in any "accidents". Abortion isn't a choice I want to make, despite being pro-choice.

My friends think I am crazy. That this must be a "phase" and I have lost my mind and/or sex drives. One accused me of "sterilizing" myself.  One girl told me "Just go pill-less and see what happens! If you get pregnant...so what? You are grown and you have a job". What kind of craziness is that? How is that taking control of my reproduction if you basically want me to be a statistic: unwed, single Black, highly-educated mother. Oh yes, contrary to popular belief, most single mothers who are black are HIGHLY educated. I'm a PhD student, gainfully employed...I def don't want to be there. Not knocking those who are...it's just not for me. This is my body. And I do with it what I shall...

I do not want to forgo the natural childbearing alone. Particularly if I know who the father is.  That's an emotional monkey that I do not want on my back. What if dude doesn't want to be with me? What if by some strange coincidence I find out he's married or with a girl? What if he's a deadbeat? What if he's way too involved? What if I love him...and he doesn't love me? Or vice versa?

Adoption is altogether a different subject.  Giving love to a child who is unwanted?? That's different...it sounds contradictory but not really. Mothering does not mean childbirth. I could mother with our without it..and even with or without adoption.

Fact of the matter is, although giving birth in a marriage with my husband is optimal, I probably will not, and I need to tailor my life to that. Let's face facts: the availability of a suitor is slim, I'm getting older, I am busy, and quit frankly, sex isn't that big a deal to me anymore. This isn't a doom and gloom blog. Just the facts. Sex, especially sex outside of marriage or a committed relationship, isn't that appealing to me. (Actually, I've never been one too keen on sex outside of relationships, although my blog may not have reflected that)

I never thought I'd be here at this point in my life. I never thought that I'd be out of this hetero-normative idea of marriage, biological reproduction,  and a "happily ever after". Truth is, perhaps it left me out. Perhaps the stats are against me. Perhaps I just feel this overwhelming freedom and control over my own destiny

Perhaps...



Comments

  1. I turned 35 this yr have been on the celibate train for much longer than I care to remember and currently I am dealing with possible infertility issues BUT I will NOT give up on birthing my twins.

    As I say to my friends who don't want to get married if marriage isn't for you then please don't so that goes for women who don't want children.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Reflective post. I too believe in Pro-choice and I salute any woman that possesses enough choice about herself to remain celibate for almost a year.

    Hilarious @ sterilizing yourself. I guess it just goes to show that sex is highly demanded and suggested in our society.

    I like how you feel about adoption.

    ReplyDelete
  3. @Daisy.. well..I def want to bear kids. But at this point it looks like it won't occur. So...gotta move on to the next phase. I'm ok with it.

    @Don..I appreciate it. And I dunno if sterlization is hilarious. But...people think in extremes that dont always fit the situation

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think it's awesome that you want to adopt. So many black children out there raised in the foster care system because no one wants them. I think it's one of themost beautiful and self-less things a person can do.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have always been open to adoption to as my mother was going to give me up for adoption (I was born in a home for unwed mothers the paperwork was done and everything)

    @Mocha I am older than you and been single 11yrs and counting with NOT a prospect in site BUT GOD!!! I am keeping the faith all the same. I am glad you are ok w/your decision all the same :-)

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dating and the Dark-Skinned Girl

Often times in the circle of close bloggers, who become friends, we get into debates (albeit friendly ones) but debates nonetheless. I happened to be on my "private" blog site reading a dear friend's blog. I love her to death and she's been like a big sister to me, helping me through my divorce as a shoulder to cry on and listening ear. And although I've never met her in person...I do consider her a friend (that may sound strange to most..but it isnt to bloggers!) She's a gorgeous Black and Mexican woman..living in southern Cal and raising her teenage son amazingly! I was reading her blog...and came across this:

Ok..just a random thought... What is with the expression "LSLH?" Because it's usually used in a negative way, I'm offended by it.It irks me to no end! I mean, does it make us less of a black women because we have lighter skin and long hair? So when I read blogs or websites that use that expression, I think it's sad. So what if I&…

The "Fleece Johnson" Guide to Dating

I am not sure if any of you saw the recent Boondocks where they spoofed prison culture and gayness. Well....if you haven't...here is a little clip of where they got their inspiration from. Fleece Johnson...the Booty Warrior... So yeah...Fleece is a little crazy..but we are about to roll with thiis for a minute. I am about to take the "Fleece Johnson" no holds barred approach to dating. If I see a dude it's going down  like this: I likes ya I wants ya We can do this the easy way Or the hard way....your choice. Now..Fleece might be talking about gay men and booty warrior and "hornin". But..I'm talking about taking the same approach to men. If I see a dude I want..I WANT HIM. Imma have him. We can play games and bullshit and do it the hard way...OR we can do it the easy way...you give in to me and my desires (and yours)..and be happy. Which would you rather have? Would you rather have to do dumb sh*t to work for a good woman? Or take an easy approach with the sam…

The Art of the Dirty Talk

I am the queen of talking dirty after dark. I mean I am GOOD at it. VERY good. So much so I dated a guy and for months..all he wanted me to do was speak nasty to him. We never has sex. Nothing. Just a bunch of dirty talk....and he was happy. (Hey..a very safe sex fetish!) Heck..I'm even considering picking up some extra income in this economy and becoming a phone sex operator...my job does NOT pay enough.

I will say there is an ART to dirty talk. You cant be shy. You cant be a prude and say things 1) you are not comfortable saying and 2) that you certainly can't back up if you are in a position to act on those things with a trust partner. 3 ) things you have no real reference point of familiarity with. Don;t say you are down for a "golden shower" if you think that has something to do with "lemonade kool-aid". DOn't pretend to have a weird accent. That would be ROLE playing..and not "talking dirty". BUT a lot of "talking dirty" is role…