May 18, 2013

The Perks of Being a 30 Something Divorcee'


subtitled : The Last Blog in which I will EVER talk about divorce

I started this blog as a way to heal from my divorce. But guess what....everything has to come to an end. I am so over it. I am over talking about how to heal..what to do...how to date...etc. I've done the work. I've come out shining and like a champ.  Everyone feels like I am the go-to expert on how to bounce back after divorce. While I am flattered...again...it's got to stop. I've moved on. And so should my readers.

Nevertheless....this is a blog post about divorce. *shrug*

As I approach my Mid-30's (Ok let's face it...34 is prob already mid-30s), I realize that most of my "give a damn" gave out a long time ago. I've hit a stride. And while I do have fear and apprehension about a lot of major decisions in life, one thing is clear: Who gives a damn what other people think.

When I got divorced almost 5 years ago, I had this shame and guilt.  I felt like a failure.  Looking back I realize, what I perceived as a failure was truly a blessing in disguise. I've now come to realize there are many perks to being a 30 something Divorcee'

1) No One is putting pressure on you to remarry.

While I may be young and still in my "prime" so to speak, I really have not experienced any pressure to remarry..as in get married RIGHT NOW. I guess my family and friends knew how hard it was to sty sane after this let alone want to marry someone. People are just wanting you to "date" (or as my Auntie puts it "have a nice man-friend") and get out there and not wallow in your own misery. I get that...you want a chick to be social not necessarily see every dude as the next husband. That's very cool....

2) I can do whatever the hell I want w/o asking someone else

Cereal for dinner? Imma do that. Read all day? Imma do it.  If I wanna buy a pair of Louboutin's with my rent money....I can do that. If i wanna go the strip club with my girls... I can do that. I don't have to answer to anyone. This isnt' to say you can't do that single OR married (if you have it  like that....). But being divorced, I no long have the guilt I did for treating myself and putting myself first like I did when I was married. Guilt because I felt there was no reciprocity in doing so. That was a lesson learned.

3) Babies can wait. Despite what the "clock" strikes...

Oh gosh..while the baby bug hit me when I hit 30...I realized "Hey...it's perfectly OK to wait to have some kids". I joke with my friends that I am going to be the flyest 50 year old with a Kindergartner...but that isn't so weird. I mean...Halle Berry is pregnant at 47.  We are living longer and fuller lives. It isn't so strange. And if I do happen to remarry...there absolutely no pressure to make a "honeymoon" baby all because I am 35.

4) Speaking of second marriages....I can marry again HOW I want 

There is no timetable on if or when I get married again...if I marry at all. Furthermore, second marriages have no rules.  The first time I got married...I had the ceremony...the dress...the food..that everyone ELSE wanted...That being said...the way I get to the altar is on my own terms. And when I get there...I can wear what I want. I have a ceremony or no ceremony at all. I can wear a pair of Wonder Woman Chucks and Reem Acra at the same damn time if I want to. I don't need the massive amounts of people there... I can serve everyone Cinnabon with Arnold Palmer's and they'd be damn well pleased. I can elope or run to the courthouse. No one gives a damn  and I don't care if they do. The people who love you will be there for you no matter what. And accept the choices you do or do not make regarding getting married again.

Furthermore, I do not have to be ashamed or feel guilt about getting married for a second time..( Before I felt so guilty about the money my parents spent...the time people took to travel out of state....etc. The fact that I was a "starter wife" whose promises weren't met. I was reminded of my aunts, a few of them, who have been married two, three even 5 times (I kid you not). Some had celebrations. Some had nothing. I've adopted the same spirit and attitude as my late Aunt Madonna who really gave no types of damn about the life she led. She was a free spirit. She loved and laughed and carried on with whomever she wanted. She married 3 times...and I'm pretty sure she didn't regret any of the loves and affairs she had in her life. I want to be her...to live with no regrets.


5) Believe or not...you get a lot of respect (whether they confess it or not)

It takes a lot of balls and nerves to leave something that is "comfortable" and to jump out into the unknown.  And on the side..most times..your married friends in suck-ass marriages...and you single girlfriends with low-down donkeys are giving you a head nod and a hand-clap of praise...whether you want to or not...whether they realize it or not.

As a divorcee', you get a lot of "you are so brave". or "wow..i could never do that".  "You aren't young and dumb or naive". "You're so strong!" "You got out while you were ahead"... In a lot of ways, people admire you. So you can pat yourself on the back. It's not something to praise. It is just an obstacle you overcame. So while they may not wish the bad dating stories, the intermittent loneliness, or the financial hardships of a divorce on anyone, let alone themselves, they do admire that you are willing to take the risk

Nevertheless, other's don't have to respect you.Some people won't and will make that known.  Respect your damn self for taking charge of your life and happiness, knowing you have to be in a miserable situation.

6) My title as "divorcee'" has an expiration date...and that day is NOW.

People think that being a "divorcee" is a lifelong title, even if you remarry or not. Definitely not. Life goes on...

 I think 5 years is quite enough time to say I am "divorced". Even on official paperwork , I simply state that I am either "single" or "partnered" because quite frankly it is no one's business where I am in my life. The perks of being grown and not caring is that I define myself for myself. And right now, I choose not to define myself as a divorcee'. I'm simply a woman who was married some time ago....who is on another path in life.



So , yes, my dear readers. This is the last time I'll be talking about "divorce" or referring to myself as a "divorcee".

I have a life to live. And it's getting good...real good.

2 comments:

  1. Love it! I too love the don't give a damn attitude it brings. I stopped being the go to person on the topic a long time ago. Live with no regrets girl!

    ReplyDelete
  2. KARMA SAID:

    Congratulations on your "selfsess" been reading your blog over the years and I'm happy at the place you are now. You are an inspiration that there is life after divorce. I wish you continued happiness.

    ReplyDelete

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