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So Now I'm a Lesbian??

In reading Audre Lorde (who is my fav author if you don't know by now), I realize that she hits on some real points that resonate even 40 years later. One point being, that if you are outside of the "norm", the heterosexual norm (whether you be gay or straight), pushing against male sexual advances and their aggression, then you are always branded a "lesbian". If you have no must be a lesbian. If you aren't having must be a lesbian. If I won't give you my number, I'm a straight up dyke. No perm? Lesbian...

Audre Lorde said it best:

"Today, the red herring of lesbian-baiting is being used in the Black community to obscure the true face of racism/sexism"

At first I thought the whole idea of  men calling you a lesbian was immature and just out of date. Surely, guys these days don't feel that way in this age of sexual freedom and liberation. That is until it happened to me.

The Scene: My Office at Noon. I get an IM from a dude whom I think I remember...but uhm..not quite. As a matter of fact, I think I blocked him dude to no contact.

Dude: Hey wassup?
Me: Who is this? (I vaguely remembered dude)
Dude: Uhm.... J****
Me: I dont remember a J*** but if you are a guy from a dating site I may have talked to...I'm sorry but I'm not really entertaining communication at the moment. I'm not dating right now. Sorry.
Dude: So you aren't talking to dudes? Not entertaining? into women now? Batting for the other team?
Me: *delete*...*block*...*report to Yahoo as harassment*

So if I don't want to talk to you? Or don't want to entertain anything from any dude, then I must be a lesbian? What kind of bull crap is that? So my sexuality is determined by my interaction with men solely? or my INactivity with men? 

Not only did this dude piss me off, he pretty much solidified why I am on this extended dating and sexual hiatus. Almost 8 month into the celibacy thing, I truly don't miss this type of foolishness. Yes I miss companionship and conversation. Yes I miss getting cute and going on dates. But I definitely don't miss the sexual foolishness. I don't miss the presumptions about who I am. And I damn sure don't miss people being assholes, particularly when I did not warrant that type of behavior.

I am not sure what dude was expecting. I think I hadn't talked to dude in like 6 months. So what makes  you think I want to talk to you? And furthermore, because I dont want to talk to you, all of a sudden that makes me a lesbian?? The nerve of you.

Apparently these stories are not new. My friends chimed in and said that they felt the same way in certain situations. If you turn down a guy's drink....lesbian. Don't like him feeling on your ass in the club...LESBIAN.... If you don't want to have sex on the first date...LESBIAN. If you don't want to give him head in the car....fucking LESBIAN b*tch (true story).  I mean what gives with this "blacklisting" of a woman's sexuality if she doesn't want to do what YOU, dominate male hegemony, want her to do?

I pray to God every day that he cover me and open my heart to someone special. But if this is the kind of foolishness I'd have to face, I'm good with being celibate. Hell, I'm good with being a spinster if push comes to shove. I know men don't like their egos crushed, but truly find a more diplomatic way of taking rejection.

I won't take this lying down. I'm not a push over. I will not be disrespected. Call me lesbian all you won't lure me into your foolishness.

I may not be a "lesbian" but I surely have a "queer theory" grounding. So don't brandish me a Lesbian because I wont take your bait.

I'd rather just be one hot, celibate HETERO, chickaroo then deal with a homophobic, narcissistic dick of a well......dick.


  1. At least it was some random dude and not your mama asking you if you were gay O-o

  2. Jumping to lesbian for those reasons? Goodness! lol. Sounds like a defense mechanism, cuz the rejection is too hard to take if they realize that it may actually be their own personality/behavior that caused it! lol

  3. In the course of a 2 hr convo, I had a guy call me a lesbian (well, dyke) no less than 3 times.

    I knew that people assumed things about my sexuality based on what they didn't know about me (namely who I was or wasn't sleeping with) however I had never had someone say it right out to me and for the most ABSURD reasons. First because I didn't have a boyfriend, then because I was childless (which confused me so) and then because I wasn't interested in sleeping with him.) Just crazy how these dudes act up out here

  4. very interesting perspective! i think part of it is just plain immaturity; thinking that calling you a lesbian is some sort of insult that will provoke you to prove otherwise. and sadly, the other part is that so many women are eager to play lesbian to please a man. it's "cool" to be bi or lesbian. it's the same reason it means absolutely nothing when i truthfully tell a man that i AM a lesbian. they then force me to inform them that even if i were straight, horny and desperate for the last man on earth, i still wouldn't give 'em the time of day.


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