I will be 39 in a month. I am having a midlife crisis. A literal, mid-life crisis.
The job of mothering and wife-ing (lol) is a difficult one. And add on top of that knocking on the 40s door.... and not feeling like you've achieved jack shit. I haven't traveled the world enough. Bought enough shoes. Eat fancy foods. Had sex with Matt Kemp... Had enough orgasms. Lost enough weight. Driven the car of my dreams. Paid off enough debt... making sex figures...wrote my epic historical fiction novel... worn enough hairstyles...
Blah! I've not done jack squat. *sigh* WHat Id o know is, the unpaid, emotional labor of mothering and being a wife has driven me off track and off my goals. A lot of them. I am having to retool and refocus. In lamenting to my husband, he goes "I mean you can still travel the world! With Us". Before I could control my facial expressions, I scowled. "A baby? Strapped to my back and a husband to weigh me down as I go see the Pyramids?? No thanks." He seemed kinda bummed by that. I can see why. I was kind of harsh. But seriously.. I don't want to drag my kid, diapers, and such around the world? I just wanna go without worrying about a sitter.. or anything.
I think about before I got married.. before I had a kid... and all the stupid shit I did with my money when I could have been traveling. Or saving. Or just plain LIVING out loud. Then I think about all the money I am spending on daycare.. or diapers... and I want to run away from life. But I can't. That's not how this job works. And it is a job. And most times... Jobs have very little to do with fun. Speaking of which, every day I want to quit my job and work on my craft full time... but then that daycare bill hits.... *sigh*
I think that is what's wrong now. There is so little FUN in my life. Not to say there isn't happiness or joy.. that is different. But what happened to FUN? What happened to adventure? I feel like I am running out of time. Mostly because I am tired. I leave the house by 6.. don't get home until 6.... then have to eat or cook, feed a kid, bathe a kid.. get her to bed.. by that time I am tired. Exhausted. Spent. No time to work on my goals. Sex? HA! No time to buffer or decompress. Just time enough to go to sleep, shower (when I can remember to) and to do it all over again.
In the words of my fave social media personality, TS Madison, I need to step my pussy up. But how? How do you get out of a rut when you have all these obligations to attend to? How do you set new goals or trash old ones when it isn't working out or when you feel like you just don't have the TIME to assess what's really going on?
Ugh.. I see why there is this stereotype that motherhood equates alcoholism... because I would have taken to drink a long time ago (I am not a big drinker actually...and motherhood doesn't make me wanna drink).
But I gotta step it up..... *sigh*
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