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I Give Myself Away


Let me start this blog by saying, I am not a bible-beating Christian. I will never convince someone that they need to be saved or know Jesus. I respect all faiths and I respect all interpretations of God's Word. That being said....I didn't come here to preach on Sex and the Southern Belle. But....I will say that this post signals a turn in my life....and I would be remiss if I didn't share it with you all...so...here goes....


At my uncle's fledgling church in Stockbridge, the musician likes to sing the song, "I Give Myself Away" by gospel singer William McDowell.  A LOT. *smh* Granted, our musician doesn't know but like 2 verses of a very short song (..and we got him for a good almost "FREE" budget...LOL),  he sings it with a lot of zeal and love of the Lord that you cant help but sing along too. It would annoy me greatly when he would start up on the song. I'd roll my eyes and go.."Oh Lawd...not this song again"...and just sit there, thumbing through my bible,  just hoping he'd be done so I could get to the word.... I really didn't pay that much attention to it (cause again..I don't even know that many Gospel songs myself) It was just another song that folks sing.

One random day, I had asked my friend Candace to suggest an Ebook for my Kindle. I needed to restock in some good fiction. She suggested that I buy her soror's husband's book, called Rededication. I was like.."Well..cool..whats it about?" and she told me (with I think a little hesitation)..that it was about the man's spiritual memoir and his struggles with sexual sin and how he decided to be celibate until he got married. I laughed at the idea.."A grown man? Being celibate? Aiight..whatever." and I had an overall snarky, cynical attitude about the subject matter. But, as a friend, I decided to download the book and read it on my way to and from work.

And I couldn't put it down. It wasn't like it was the best written work. Dude was no Iyanla Vanzant or Deepak Chopra. (And this is no slight at him, but even he professes to not be an author, just a guy telling his story).  But I kept reading and reading. I still had a bit of cynicism in my head, but nevertheless I gave it a chance.

As I was reading in the Student Center, waiting on my next class to start, I heard a voice as clear as day, as if someone was right over my shoulder, say...

"1 year. You need to stop. Right now. 1 year"

I got really scared and freaked out. I literally looked around. I wasn't one of those folks who believed in divine voices. But it was obviously to me that the Holy Ghost had sent me a message And I had to heed....

I was going to be completely celibate for 1 entire year.

At this point in the game, I had been about 4 months w/o true sexual contact. So in 6 months (give or take), it would be my 33rd birthday. One full year....

I was freaked out, as you can imagine. How on earth would I do this? I mean, should I even still go on dates? Am I going to miss it?  Do I need to go to the extremes of the author of the book I read and cut of EVERYTHING? Oh lord, what about the BLOG? Yes, one of the first things I thought about was this blog and how transparent I had been about sex, love and dating. Would I be considered a "fraud" if I stopped engaging about that? And finally..WHY am I doing this? What's the point?? Is it to get a husband? To clear my head? To just get a good guy in general? What???

I had to go home and pray. And that I did for about 2 straight hours. I literally did as my Uncle/Pastor always suggests, and went into my physical closet,surrounded by shoes and dresses, closed the door, and prayed. After I prayed, I sat straight up and I realized that the conviction I felt was not going away. I had and was going to do this.


So I decided, on that day, to give myself away.....

....To be courted properly by The Creator (as my friend Maria said), and spend some QT.
...to be healed physically and mentally.
..to be made whole in the hopes that when I do meet someone, they are worthy.
...to know how valuable I was to myself and someone else.
..to breathe cause I was simply TIRED: tired of meeting mess, tired of BEING mess, tired of getting caught up in lies and foolishness..tired of making a mockery out of something that should be beautiful!
.so that God can indeed use me.


I took the day after this revelation as a time to purge and cleanse. After having dinner w/ my friend Sherita (who was on board totally), I made a private video, posted it to my private blog, and asked my very close friends to watch it. It detailed much of what I am expressing now and my own struggles. It was hard for me but a very teary, heartfelt video. My friends were so supportive and delighted (albeit a bit shocked). One of my friends, Maria, even had a praise party in her office. (LOL).  One of my other friends, Ree, who was also divorced and practicing celibacy, said she'd continue to be my prayer/accountability partner and had been praying for me that I came to this decision. I told my mother and she said "Girl..this is YOUR LIFE and your temple and you do as you see fit....I love you! This is a good thing!" I even told my ex-husband. Despite what occurred between us, he is still one of my best friends. He said simply.."You can do this." and gave me scripture to read as well. Funny how things change...

Every guy I knew was no good for me, I deleted their number and cut them off. For the most part, I had been presented "trash" and it was time to take that trash out.  One guy (given the nature of our relationship), I wrote a letter to, attaching the private videos I had made for my girls and declared that our relationship, as sordid as it was, had to end. One guy, whom I had no real feelings for, left his watch at my home. Every time I looked at that watch and heard it beep, I was reminded of all the time I wasted, albeit brief, on this dude. I called him and told him to either pick it up (at a decent hour) or I'll be mailing it to him....

The tough part had more to do with the guy I truly liked. I haven't talked about it on here  (because I do want to keep SOME privacy) but there is a friend of mine whom I always had feelings for. I wrestled back and forth with it for months. We were friends but I didn't think I was in his league (yes..obviously not aware of my awesomeness..LOL).  I tried setting him up with friends but that never did work out. I didn't know why. My friends I felt were great women. But, I mustered the courage to tell him so some weeks back. To my delight, he said he felt much of the same and def wanted to make plans to go out (but he lived out of town). He said "You'd always try and push me off on your friends, knowing I liked you from the beginning..."  I was so relieved. I knew in the back of my mind this had potential to be a very steamy, romantic weekend (whenever it would happen) but I knew in my heart of hearts I had to tell him what happened. I was scared. I thought for sure this would run him away. When I finally took a deep breath and told him, he said "Why would you think this was about sex? I like you. We are friends. We are going out because of that." When I said that this "hiatus" might be longer than expected, he laughed and said "I can wait...I got a hand" (LOL..) While not the "classiest" way to put it, I surely felt relieved at his candor. I ended the conversation by saying...that I didn't want things clouded by sex. I saw great potential in this and  we were friends first and foremost. But..I also think.."God.. if you let it be so..this is the type of guy I want in my life..in whatever capacity it may be". I think I might have scared or shocked dude. (LOL). But he seemed calm enough and still friendly. Nothing had changed. Did I fully believe him? I dunno. Perhaps there was hope. There was one good guy left....



Now..for the meat and potatoes of this .....Am I going to stop talking about sex on this blog?

No. For the simple fact that I am an educator by profession first and that would be against my oath. While I've never explicitly talked about my own sexual exploits, I don't see why someone can't share their own or seek advice. It could help someone.  And yes..I'll still even do product reviews. I am not of the mindset the masturbation is "sinful" or that sexual aids are bad. Lots of partners and married folks also read this blog....not just single gals! I'm also still a writer..and poems..stories...I see no harm in that.

Some friends were like "Uhm..should I talk to you about sex? Or can we go to clubs? etc." And I assured them that my walk wasn't going to be like that. The way I dressed, walked or talked wasn't going to change. I'll still be me. Alcohol was never a trigger for me, neither was clubs. I could dance and have a good time with OR without it. Romantic movies and music didn't do it either.  I love music too much to stop listening.So those things could still be apart of my life.  I didn't think my walk would be as stringent as the author of the memoir I read....with one similarity. Porn, however, I had to give up (so no more Weekly Porn Reviews for a while, folks...sorry).  I knew that to be a trigger for me and a bit dangerous. Can a guy still hold my hand? Hug? or even kiss me? Sure. But that's where it stops.  I know what my comfort level is and would hope a person could respect limitations I set forth. I  just simply have to stop the actual physical engaging of naked bodies (LOL). And that was that.



Here is where I am in this journey post divorce. All I ask is that you think of me and check on me sometimes.

Can you do that, friends? :)


Comments

  1. I love it T. You know I've got your back and will pray for you on this new journey!

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  2. Yes, yes, and yes!!!! I am so happy for you, and i bet these next 6 months will go by quickly. You never know who you'll meet within this time, and when ya'all do finally come together to make love it'll be all the more special and meaningful.

    Hmmmm, the only problem I have with this whole thing, if we can even call it that, is.... why do you have to give up porn?! I mean, you have expressed that you don't have a problem with masturbation and such. To me, enjoying porn (alone, of course!) might be one of the things that helps get you through this, during the especially hard times. Hmmm, maybe consider that one stipulation. Lmaoo!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. You've got support all the way over here!

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  4. Good for you!! I got your back!

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  5. Good for you T!!! So much of what you said hit home for me. And it hit hard!!!

    You definitely have support from me.

    Much Love

    MJ

    ReplyDelete
  6. I know the celibacy game all to well. Good Luck on your journey.

    I have a male friend who was celibate 2yrs until he got married. I hate that the stigma attached to men being celibate esp in Atlanta cause my friend is/was the biggest freak ever lol Some man WHORES are on the DL

    ReplyDelete
  7. I forgot to add I LOVE that song I give myself away

    ReplyDelete

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