April 1, 2010

Crock Pot Chick in a Microwave World.

It's too many microwave b*tches in this world.

No...I'm not talking about moving fast...or going too fast or too modern (well..wait..I am). I mean actual chicks who know NOTHING of cooking but a damn microwave. I mean they may boil some water in a microwave for some instant ramen at that.

I am a  very southern girl (duh..hence the blog name). We are talking petticoats, easter hats, makeup, saying "Yes Ma'am" ...and most of all...knowing how to cook.  I was born and raised around aunts, cousins, a mother, grandmothers and GREAT grandmother (and even uncles/male relatives) who all knew how to THROW DOWN. And not just on some soul food (although that's our speciality) but they could master just about anything. At 5 years old, I was in my little matching apron, making pancakes and biscuits with my grandmother, having her sneak me the dough to eat..and cutting it with a battered tin biscuit cutter....etc. So it totally BAFFLES my mind that these broads nowadays dont know how to cook.

You can blame it on a lotta things. Modernity of the women's movement and backlash from the 1950's (shrug)...girls making more money therefore eating out more, MEN becoming better cooks. I dunno what the hell it is...but they arent cooking. Just a bunch of lazy, tricks. There is ALWAYS time for cooking, lady!. DVR some Food TV!

I won my ex husband over with a VERY classic Southern  meal his first time at my house: my "secret" marinated Fried Chicken, mac n cheese, candied yams, greens, cornbread, ox tails and for dessert....peach cobbler. He says to this day, he took one bite into my fried chicken and that joint was a work of art. Like crack! . He KNEW he had to marry me. My own mother (and Daddy) say that my fried chicken is better than hers. I take that as a HUGE compliment. There is an art to it (and no...I wont reveal my recipe.....). I didn't mind cooking for him.  I didn't find it taxing or a drag. I could be dog tired from work, and still cook...or warm up some left overs. Fixing his lunch everyday for work....etc. It gave me a great sense of WIFELY joy. It made me feel...well...womanly. (And add a cooking but naked in an apron and heels every now and then..you in there, money!)

Now did/does every dude get this treatment? HELLLL NO! I only cooked for a guy once we went out a few times and stuff. NO WAY was I cooking off the jump! That negro would NEVER want to go out to eat...he'd never want to leave my couch..eat all my food..and watch my U-Verse! Raggedy bama! It doesnt work like that. You dont get the treatment like that until we try and date exclusively. And I mean..we gotta lock it down. Truth me told..I tell dudes the same thing when I first meet them: "No..I dont cook. I'm not a great cook...I'm actually pretty terrible...." (LOL..white lie..but..it saves me hassle and my groceries)


Most women see cooking as a hassle and a chore.  It takes so long. It takes too much prep time.  I'm too busy. They figure if they can make one thing well..they are good. Uhm..FALSE.  Honey..tacos and burgers do not count. I dont feel that way.. I feel there is something absolutely orgasmic about cooking. I feel relaxed, I feel at ease. I love trying new things and experimenting. My inner fat girl is always satisfied. Furthermore, when you feed that meal to your man, and he takes that first bite, closes his eyes and smiles...that's better than any nut he can bust (OK..sorry..that was graphic! LOL...but you get my point! ) It's sexy!

How do these women expect to keep a man around ?(I know..says the divorced chick..BUT..that damn sure wasnt a reason for my divorce..that negro STILL comes by for a plate...LMAO!) How do they expect to put the CLANK CLANK on a dude and get him to lock it down and you rock some Tiffany and Co. ? Your good looks? Your pussy power? That can ONLY take you so far..and unless that dude is Donald Trump and just needs you for eye candy...it won't fly w/ a regular dude.  SHIT...you must be a fool to think a plate of dressing and greens won't get a man to commit! Uhm...it will. TRUST ME.

AND..this isnt to say a man can't share the duties of cooking for you every once and a while. I've had a few guys who cooked for me. One was EXCEPTIONALLY good....that was a huge turn on to me .Fellas...you are not immune either! You know who the SEXIEST man on TV is? G. Garvin? Why? Cause that big, thick hunk of chocolate desire knows the way to my inner fat girl...and can move his sexy ass all across my kitchen. If he gets spicey like that in the kitchen..lord knows he savors you in the bedroom.! *fans self* (Ok..that's an assumption..but I dont know a chick or dude who can cook..who isnt a terrible lover. I'm serious) HOWEVER, not to be a throwback, but.....I just dont feel it right that my man comes home from working all day long..and have to cook. Yeah you might worked longer hours..but cmon. What's the harm in fixing him the big piece of chicken? Furthermore, fix his plate sometimes. NO...you arent dude's slave..but it's a simple act of caring and pampering.

So put down the credit cards....back away from theLouboutins (I know..it's hard, girlfriend) ...pick up a G. Garvin /Paula Deen cookbook....and get your man, girl!

4 comments:

  1. *standing ovation*

    Meals like these, especially for men who work real strenuous labor jobs, are the bomb! @ I won my ex husband over with a VERY classic Southern meal his first time at my house: my "secret" marinated Fried Chicken, mac n cheese, candied yams, greens, cornbread, ox tails and for dessert....peach cobbler.


    I hardly believe you made the statement of a good hot meal being better than an orgasm, but it really is. My ex had this notion that she didn't feel like cooking all the time. Although we had two young children.....Go figure.

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  2. @Don
    Absolutely. Came from a family of hard working men who valued (and came to expect and appreciate) a good meal after a hard days work. I just was raised like that.

    And your ex is partly your ex...cause that broad aint cook. LMAO! There is no damn excuse not to cook when you have kids. Kids?? Oh that would NOT FLY in my family. Kids, if anything, eat WELL and first. If you have to go hungry...We scoffed and turned our noses up at folks who take their kids to McDonald's every damn day!

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  3. I agree whole-heartedly. And I, too, take pride in being a "total" package. :-)

    I know a big part of what "sealed the deal" with Derek was my domestic side, including my enjoyment of cooking, range of culinary skills, and the pleasure I took in little things, like preparing his plate and bringing it to him. He tells me, even to this day, what a breath of fresh air I was, compared to the typical NY girls he had dated. So this post is right on point!

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  4. I will admit that I can't throw down. I can follow a recipie, learned a little from my mom, but I cant burn. YET. I am open to lessons, cookbooks, etc. My man, used to own his own catering business and is a great teacher. :) It is what it is.

    I will, however, fight you over G.Garvin.

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