April 20, 2010

The Cunning Linguist

There is someting about the fine art of conversation. A little face to face time. Wagging the tounge. Speaking in tounges. So much "conversation' that sounds become inaudible. But there's a lot of talking.

Samantha : ...Going down, giving head...

Carrie : ...Eating out...

Miranda : I never understood that. Shouldn't it be "eating in"?- Sex and the City
There have been songs and odes to giving head. Uhm. That's great. But let's talk about that all important art of the "Love Snacking" also known as cunniligus.

Men may think they are superb lovers if they are dicking you down like crazy. But if you have no skills as a "cunning linguist", then you might as well pack your bags and leave.  Women aren't built like men. We  have nerve endings and complex clitoral stimulation (which in part is why lesbians do this so much better..they are women and KNOW where to push the buttons). Even with that, every women isn't built the same.

There are some things that annoy me about bad "love snacking". First of all, the bad "snacker" always thinks they are the bomb.com. You get all hype and either it feels like they are tyring to give you a hysterectomy OR like a wet dog lapping you up. Neither one is cool. It just leaves a chick angry and mad and you dont even want the dingle afterwards. YOu sit and roll your eyes and say to yourself.."Damn dude..they got BOOKS for this stuff!!" and you can't get your nice little Vicky Secrets on fast enough.

But "GOOD" conversation....



Sweet Jesus!! *does the Aunt Esther *Ha! Glory!* HATAMATTAA!!! (that's me speaking in tounges!....)

It will make your toes curl..your eyes roll in the back of your head and make you say dumb sh*t like...."I 'll bake you a cake!!"...or "Get me pregnant!!" (LOL) Yep..it's some powerful stuff when you use your thighs as his earmuffs and he can hear your thoughts through your vagina.

I can literally count on one hand...the number of men who were THAT skilled (If you are reading this..and thinking it was you..eh...it probably wasnt! LMAO). Those men had a certain, uhm, innate ability to tap into their willingness to please. First of all, they listened. Secondly, they took their time and spent a looooonnggggg time making sure you got yours. Lastly, I think they had a respect for the female body and were in tune with it. Like they studied it. Knew the ins and outs (no pun intended) and maybe even got a little scientific. God bless them for their dutiful research!

I think sometimes I'd rather have that than actual intercourse. It's more intimate in ways. With a woman, there is NO FAKING it (you can fake it with a dude..half ass lick and be done..but not with a woman). You have to get up close and personal. AND everyone isn't allowed in that space NOR do they want to share your space like that. If a man is too eager to do that and he does it to EVERY chick, that isn't making you special. It really is a special act and you should feel that way. You have to commit to it..and not be half-assed about it.

I am so thankful (in some ways) that times have changed and eating nookie is not as taboo in the black community as it once was. Folks say that (and giving head )was "white folks stuff" and we've moved past that and are able to open ourselves up to that. When rappers started bragging about their skills in the 90's, I knew times had changed.  Whats unfortunate, however, is that kids and teens treat oral sex like a regular kiss on the cheek. Uhm..it shouldnt be that casual.

But I digress...

I asked my male friends (and lesbian friends) what makes a woman even "lickable" and prime for "munching". And I got some funny quotes:

"For reals yo..I'm not playing in the secret garden if the grass aint cut. If a woman doesn't mow the lawn, then dont expect me to water the flowers"- Cap

"Change your diet up! Eat some fruit. You have to taste good..to keep me wanting more"- M.D.

"I just have to be into you..I mean REALLY into you. Every girl doesnt get that..."- T.A.

"I just watch a lota porn that's where I got my technique...she just has to be sexy, well-groomed, and smell good. The p*ssy has to smell good"- AJ (a girl)

"Just a general rule, whether it be cunnilingus or fellatio dont do it unless you are committed to the cause. Nobody wants lazy head..."- MJ

Like I said before, there are times that I JUST want that and nothing else. And...the dude can be on his way after he's done. Sometimes, you gotta be selfish. *shrug* But that means he has to be great. And for me, what makes a man great is a matter of "mind over matter". If he doesn't mind getting messy, then it doesnt matter. He has to truly love the taste of me(and him TELLING me how it taste..omg...serious turn on). He has to want to be down there for more than a minute...there has to be some tounge going all over and not relegaed to one place. He has to use a little "digital love" too (but not too much) And....

Well..I won't give away all of my "tells". Gotta keep a "poker face" :)

So Ladies, you tell me...what makes a man a "cunning linguist"?

*Note: Shout out to Vicky for the title! Thanks for the inspiration on the blog! LOL*


  1. Gurrrrrl! You hit the nail on the damn head. They need to speak the lingo and speak it fluently! For REAL!

  2. Definitely his level of motivation. Like you said, he has to "want" to be there... because if his heart isnt in it, its not as enjoyable (to me).

  3. nicely written and ladies...mow that lawn baby! - Cap

  4. Funny ass post.

    As a man I think it all depends on the connection with the woman though. A man cannot go around sticking his tongue inside every woman.



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