Today would have been our 4th anniversary as husband and wife.
In 4 years..I had hoped to be pregnant with baby #1...or had her by now. (Oh yes..I was conviced it was going to be a girl despite my desire to have a boy). I had names picked out and everything. Yellow and pale green and chocolate brown... nursery colors (sounds ugly..but would have worked). I wanted to be in a rocking chair...on maternity leave..nursing my baby.
In 4 years...I would have been settled in our home....putting my finishing touches on it......making it cozy.
4 years...........so much "what if". And still unanswered questions as to why my best friend had to break my heart...or why we had to end up being apart...to be better friends. We are truly better friends.
Had we stayed married..would we have been happy? Would I have strayed? Would he have stayed? Would I be able to achieve some goals that have yet to allude me? Would we have gone through all that drama?
I miss my mother-in-law. My grandmother-in-law. I dont even call them. What can I say to them? They hate me. Maybe not me..but they hate what happenned to us. I told my MIL what happened and all she could tell me to do was "pray". I shoulda "prayed harder". Would praying harder have kept him focused...not straying? Actually.........it's for the best I don't talk to her.
I was hoping by this point it would get easier. But I still remember..the night I got engaged..our first car trip....our wedding day (and night).....happier times...our first fight...and the courthouse.......it doesnt get easier. The sting is just lessened by the fact that it's all resolved and gone.
4 years...still doesn't get easier.
Lord knows I'm trying....
But...I'm trying.
As the expression goes, tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I don't know if I believe that though.
ReplyDeleteI hear you...and I feel you. Don't know if anything can be said to make it better, but know that there are some that understand.
ReplyDeleteThis was a sweet post. It's good to have nostalgia. It will make one appreciate the goodness that life has to offer the next time around.
ReplyDeleteI don't what words would be best for you right now. I'm in the process now of losing my best friend and my lover and we've been together for almost 4 years, so its hard. I just try to keep in mind that I have to stay strong and know that one day there will be light at the end of the tunnel.
ReplyDeleteDern - can't believe it would have been 4 years. Time sure flies. I agree with Lynn's quote above... though Im sure that awareness doesnt make it any easier. :\
ReplyDeletehugs! it stings to see that pic because i remember stalking the boards for the wedding pics. i truley belive God knows best...thats all i can say on that note...i do think that you are better, stronger, and wiser 4 years later!!
ReplyDelete