With Valentine's Day fast approaching, I'd like to share a few thoughts on the matter of the actual "Day"....and what it implies..for me..and maybe even for you
What do the Divorced do at V-Day??
This is my 2nd Valentine's Day as a divorcee'. You know, I never did get into the whole "day" although I love what it represents. I never had a "valentine". Even when I was married and with my ex for seven years, we never exchanged gifts. The most we ever got each other was a card. I think we MAY have gone out to eat once or twice (I truly don't remember)...and the only flowers he ever got me were AFTER we were divorced.
The first V-dayI had sans husband, I actually had a date the night before. I had made it VERY clear that I felt first dates on V-day were bogus. I mean, let's face it ya'll! People present their best, most romantic disingenuous selves on the day due to the ramifications (i.e. Maybe she'll like me..maybe he'll think I'm sexy...maybe she'll think I'm rich...maybe I'll get lucky). It was one of the best first dates I had ever had....which materialized into a brief relationship. Very brief. It fizzled and faded very fast. *sigh*. I think it was partially my fault (I know it was my fault) because deep down I KNEW I wasn't ready to be out there. A full year has passed, and now that I'm ready, hell...there aren't any prospects who are just..."exciting" to me. I was having a convo with a friend, Tee, and she was saying.."I want someone I can be passionate about..who makes my skin feel on fire...". I definitely feel her. But aside from that, I'd like someone who makes me feel passionate AND secure/stable. Often times, you find one without the other. The "passionate" ones make it all exciting...yet with no commitment most times. And the "commitment ready /stable" ones don't arouse any sense of excitement in you. I think such was the case for me coming out of the divorce....and that brief relationship. He was nice and kind..but I wasn't "passionate". There was no balance.
As of right now and V-Day itself, I'm not hoping for anything. I seriously doubt any flowers will show up on my doorstep. I seriously doubt I'd be asked out (and I'd decline given my feelings about V-day first dates) or be asked out by someone with whom I shared any type of physical or emotional tie to. I don't have any crushes (well..I do...but..c'mon..I'm almost 30 and it seems silly to hope and wish for romance via a crush). I def am not feeling like putting on makeup, dusting off my stilettos and pretending to actually give a damn...with someone I feel nothing for..just to say I went out on V-day. BLAH! However.....there is something I do hope for.....
Maybe V-Day Will Inspire our Men....to get MARRIED.
And when I say "our men"..I do mean black men in our community. I just really am sick and tired of another year, another Valentine's day...going by and having my men do the same bullshit (AND women accepting it! You are accountable too!) How about you stop co-habitation with your baby mama...and marry her? Stop making kids with women you have no intention on marrying..and save your sperm. Ladies, stop having babies with these dudes! For the life of me, I've never understood the fear of marriage and commitment our men have. Are they hoping their lives won't be a perpetual rap video or something? They won't get anymore coochie? They wont be able to control primal desires. That's so bogus. I know a lot of our men don't have father figures in the home. and their mothers were unmarried themselves. If anything, I'd hope that would inspire us to want to strive for higher heights. Girls are hoping, breathlessly, for their men to pop the question. How can you date a woman for 7 years and not propose? It's preposterous! Do you know what you are doing to our kids? You have them thinking crazy stuff like.."Marriage is for white people!" What's next?? "Reading is for white people??" "WTF! I don't get it at all.
I'm hoping, one day, we'd have less baby mamas and live-in girlfriends on Valentines Day than the year before...and have more wives. Yeah it's corny to get engaged on Valentine's Day..or even get married on Valentine's Day (LOL)..but corny be damned! you have so much to gain by getting married. According to a 2002 study sponsored by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, married men and women tend to have lower mortality, less risky behavior, more monitoring of health, more compliance with medical regimens, higher sexual frequency, more satisfaction with their sexual lives, more savings and higher wages.. Therefore, statistically, married people are wealthier than single (well duh...married folks can pool two incomes together). You get all kinds of tax breaks, earned income credits, etc. You are taxed at a lower rate than a single person. You can eliminate debt faster.....I wouldn't say just marry for monetary reasons alone...but ..how do you think the rich get rich..and STAY rich? They get married (or if you are gay....you get in a same-sex union...hey..I don't care how you do it.. but for all intensive purposes..I'm speaking to my hetero family...no offense).
Marriage isn't a black thing. Or a white thing. It's a covenant thing. A covenant you make with God to better yourself, your family, and your community. Seeing married people gives us all hope.... (and just try your best to STAY married...*sigh*) The excuse of "marriage just ain't for me" is some utter and complete bullshit. It's an excuse of the scared and the weak. Hell..I used to say that...and I know it all stemmed from fear. No one on this earth is meant to roam alone. Even Noah got the animals two-by-two....male and female. C'mon son!! GTFOOHWTBS!!!
I know..I know...you are like.. "Mocha..you are asking for WAY too much!". So what...if I'm the best..I deserve to see and be around the best in people! *kanyeshrug*
Give Love Everyday...not on V-Day only.
Now on this one..I'm speaking to my ladies. Yep..YOU! *pointing* You expect a man to pull out the absolute WORKS on V-day...whether you deserve that or not! LMAO! If he doesn't give you some flowers..candy..jewelry...he ain't sh*t! Now Now....you cant get mad if he doesn't go all out on Vday...esp. if the other 364 days of the year he does NOTHING to show you how much he loves you. Howbout you expect more! Demand it And most of all...it should be reciprocal. You get treated the way you demand to be treated Don't expect the works if you don't do the same.
Now, Im not talking about some "lay down and be a doormat" kind of submission...and do whatever he says to please him. That's not love. Certainly not biblical (and I'm not even that religious).... I'm not even talking about some wack ass "Cater to you" Destiny Child bullsh*t. I'm talking about..............being nice. Black women get an absolute bad rap for being mean, argumentative, and hard to get along with. With your man, you should be the sweet spot for him in an otherwise harsh world. Now I'm not saying not to be mad or fight (cause fighting, believe it or not, is healthy!).... So in other words...do something to deserve being showered with love on V-Day.....and give love everyday (esp if the man deserves it!) After a while., V-Day just becomes a regular day....of love you experience everyday!
As for ya girl............
*sigh*. I won't lie. I've had a lot to think about this past year..and V-Day sorta highlights those things for me. Not necessarily what's wrong...or what makes me sad. It's more about...what I know I can bring to the right person. I have ALL this to give and so much more. I'm an absolute sap. I'd be the one in the kitchen cooking in nothing but a girly apron and stuff....5 course meals. Hey...at least this way I'll save the money! LOL. Above all else, it can be frustrating.
Lucky for me, I'm taking off work the Friday before V-day so I wont be inundated with the flowers, candies, etc that my co-workers get. I'd hate to walk past the receptionist desk thinking.."Hmmm..maybe those are for me..." when I know good and damn well they aren't! LOL. So i'm gonna treat myself..love on me..get a mani/pedi...my hair done.......Just pamper me. I'm not of the school of doing something crazy like...wearing all black...playing break-up songs....or eating a gallon of ice cream. Not my style......... If I'm angry..and full of hate and bitterness..how on earth do you expect love to come to you.
I know this blog post was longer than I expect..but....these are just my thoughts.