You feel it
This attraction deep inside for someone
Like the earth stood still when your eyes met
When the sound of his voice made your hairs stand on edge
It's sex on fire
It's smoldering sensuality
Just one little problem........
You Can't Have him
.....or Can you??
It's quite ironic really. Right after the post I made the other day abotu "crushes"...my little heart began to flutter and my mind started to imagine scenarios with a guy I've known a long time. You see...I dont know what it is just yet. Convos are small. Here and there. There's just something about him. I can't put my finger on it...and my finger isn't really what I want on IT anyway :) It's like a mystery...
We have this friend in common...a close friend with close ties (almost like a relative)...and I REALLY think it would be VERY awkward to get something started with this person (esp since he knows me..our common friend...and I'm still very much holding on to the celibacy rule). But gosh..his smile..those eyes...that skin. I just can look at a pic...and get weak. Someone can mention his name....I start to sweat. I look at him..and fantasize...and in my mind..it's on and popping (now..I'm not sure if this would be the same in real life or not). In real life, he's just cordial to me. I don't know..I asked my girls if they thought certain convos and scenarios meant that he was flirting...of course they said yes. I didn't believe them...I asked a guy and they said..."Well..if he is interested..He will let you know. If he is flirting...you can tell.". Of course...I can't tell because my man-dar is broken due to dealing with crazy dudes and he certainly hasnt' said anything to me other than friendly, cordial banter here and there. I'm a broken mess. I can't determine if he;s just being "nice"...or if he's flirting (which ironically...was a question my friend Nell had raised about men for our next "Ask a Man" segment"). I guess I'm not alone in that problem.
It's all so confusing.
What's even more confusing is that due to my own personal 13 month celibacy period I've placed on myself. I feel that this would be in vain. I"m going to want to touch him. If the touching gets good, I'm going to want to kiss him. If the kissing gets good...then I'm going to want to REALLY kiss him..and well....next thing we know we are butt naked on my kitchen island. *sigh*. I don't want that shame cycle to start. I dont want tawdry,meaningless sex with a "off-limit love". We would probably have to sneak and be secretive. I mean..he doesn't have kids...not dating...etc. But...commonalities would just present a difficult and weird situation.
Yet and still...I wanna be places where he may be. I wanna talk about stuff that he's interested in. If there is a remote chance I may see him...I go all out w/ the makeup and hair. (Yeah..it sounds a little borderline stalkerish..but I just wanna look good for him...LOL) . I wanna just.........I dont know. I wanna make love to his mind and have an orgasm of thoughts. I need clarity really. That would be helpful. But I dont know where he stands...he hasn't made a "real move"....and I just don't know if I should "stir the pot". Yet and still....I think about possibilities of a kiss...a touch....a remark.....something from him...and it makes me giddy inside. Yet confused....it's such an inappropriate "crush".
Do you take a chance on love...yet put yourself in an awkward situation with a friend? Are there any situations that should be off-limits?