Sex and The Southern Belle

(scene from Spike Lee's famous School Daze) A few weeks ago, my sorority held its national convention on New Orleans. Coincidently, another fraternity was also holding their national convention in New Orleans. Naturally, the jokes, mostly in jest, played upon the fact that these two groups, full of single, attractive and smart folks would be "on the prowl" and looking to "hook up" in the city known for its strong drinks, Southern heat, and hospitality. It was all jokes until nastiness decided to rear its ugly head. You had men in the other fraternity sexually harassing and being obscene to my sorority sisters who just wanted to have fun and handle the business of the sorority (and network.. and yes.. meet men in a somewhat safe space).  There were stories of men groping women. Men saying disgusting things and then being like "Well fuck you then" if women rejected them. You would HOPE and think that college-educated men wouldn't act this w...

NOTE: I wrote this post shortly after having my daughter. It has sat in my "drafts" for quite some time. I thought I would share it today, on Mother's Day. Why? Because I know there is a mom out there who needs to know she isn't alone she needs to know her feelings are normal, valid and that it is OK to get help. AND you will come out of this, whole and healthy if at all possible. If not, take the steps to get there.  If you are like me, and have lost your mother and yet are raising a baby, you could probably relate... ************** June 19, 2016 I am pretty sure that after the birth of my daughter, I was suffering from postpartum depression and PTSD. No... I KNOW I was  am suffering. I had my daughter 10 weeks early via c-section on Jay 26. It was traumatic and while I felt relieved, I mostly felt like a failure. I couldn't hold on to her inside for just a little while longer. She needed to get bigger. She needed to get stronger. She needed to know...

Turning 39 aka Thirty Fine has been an experience. My body has more aches and pains...I think I also found a gray hair... I've had to make more doctor's appointments than I'd like... I am out of breath when I chase my kid.. which reminds me to work out more and eat better. I have to keep laxative on deck because I'm getting old... But... I also decided that my 39th birthday would be the day that I  I would not give a f*** during my last year of my 30s. I do not care what you think about my body. Imma wear a sheer shirt and show all my midriff. I don't care what you think about how I parent. I am going to parent how I want and Baby Girl will be better for it. I do not care that I am broke or have money for all the things I want I do not care that I don't have a fly whip. I do not care that my skin and hair isn't perfect all the time I don't care if I wear makeup today.. and none tomorrow. I am going to eat what I fucking want...

My 39th birthday is in two weeks. *sigh* You know, I feel like I write the same type of blog around my birthday every year. I get extremely introspective and pensive about the whole thing. But this is my last year of my 30s and I am feeling all of the feelings that have ever and could be felt. I hate trying to bring this up to folks.. who are always wanting to remind you of "well.. you got this.. you got that...". As if you haven't dealt with depression long enough to realize it doesn't matter what you have... if one piece is missing.. it throws it all off. While yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of my mom's passing, I realized she wouldn't be here for my 40th. That was a hard pill to swallow. I thought for sure we'd be celebrating a lot that year... my Ph.D... a baby... a big, fancy car..... all of that. I only have one of those things so far but still... I was hoping that having her hold on at least until then would be the icing on my cak...

It's been 3 years since you've been gone. I've been on my own. I had to bear the weight of trying to figure out motherhood without you. I've tried to complete my goals.. but they now seem pointless because you won't be there. I miss you. The baby misses you and she doesn't even know you... She calls out for you sometimes. And I tell her stories about you. She knows you. I just miss you. You weren't done mothering me.

I will be 39 in a month. I am having a midlife crisis. A literal, mid-life crisis. The job of mothering and wife-ing (lol) is a difficult one.  And add on top of that knocking on the 40s door.... and not feeling like you've achieved jack shit. I haven't traveled the world enough. Bought enough shoes. Eat fancy foods. Had sex with Matt Kemp ... Had enough orgasms. Lost enough weight. Driven the car of my dreams. Paid off enough debt... making sex figures...wrote my epic historical fiction novel... worn enough hairstyles... Blah! I've not done jack squat. *sigh* WHat Id o know is, the unpaid, emotional labor of mothering and being a wife has driven me off track and off my goals. A lot of them. I am having to retool and refocus. In lamenting to my husband, he goes "I mean you can still travel the world! With Us ". Before I could control my facial expressions, I scowled. "A baby? Strapped to my back and a husband to weigh me down as I go see the Pyr...

I was in one of the many online/Facebook groups that I am in (I have a real addiction I believe....) and the discussion of marriage and its up and downs began. Naturally, women started this discussion and men sorta interjected here and there. (SN: I often wish men spoke positively and naturally about marriage the way women do....alas.... all we get are Fred Flinstone types...) I relayed my experiences as a woman under 40 and working on my second marriage. My exact words were...   What I’ve learned in two marriages, one disastrous and one fairly new but relatively healthy, is that you learn to become like taffy:  You start out one big, sweet sticky mess. Then...you stretch, you grow, you pull, you push but if you’re lucky, you don’t break. And that’s the sweet spot.   And when one of my good friends who was engaged said she fears marriage because she was a "hot mess"... I laughed and said, "Marriage is the joining of two hot messes....". And I continued ...

Oh, no.. don't get me wrong. I still don't think she can sing and I don't like her music.... I don't know or own ANY of her songs unless they get played at parties. I literally do not know ANY lyrics... dead ass. And let's face it... I'm 39 with a kid... when am I gonna go to a party that doesn't have an animated character present? Nevertheless, I can admit when I am wrong. A while back, I wrote a blog about Beyonce and her "brand" of feminism. While I still argue and posit that Beyonce is using/used feminism/womanism as a marketing scheme (as with any good "evolutionary" artist. See: Janet, Madonna, GaGa.....). I was wrong to say that her kind of feminism isn't feminism, specifically black feminism. It's HER feminism. And who am I to judge? Nobody...*Keith Sweat Voice* If she thinks body performativity and sex is feminism, so be it. If she wants to be Oshun for a day, that's cool too. If she thinks to wear a onesie/u...

(Ciara and husband Russell Wilson) Let's talk about Ciara and how she, God bless her soul, forget where she came from..... Earlier this week, she decided to repost a sermon by Fat-Fuck-Ex-30-Year-Old-Virgin John Gray, ex-comedian turned minister (and OWN reality show personality), who was talking about women not wanting to be wives....because they walk around in the spirit of girlfriend.. or some misogynistic bullcorn. I can't remember all of it. So I will just link it here , reluctantly. Oh, Ciara, Miss Riverdale Princess of Crunk decides to repost this with the hashtag #LEvelUp, leaving all of us scratching our heads. Lest we forget she was about to marry an UBER FUckboy named Future, had a baby by this dude, gets dumped... and moves on to Russell (who we all were cheering for because he was a decent man). She has what I like to call "marital amnesia "- we forgot our wayward ways when we get married.. (well, some of us do, I don't).... The fault is n...

One of my daughter's favorite books is called Monster Trouble .   A little Afro puff wearing girl named Winifred can’t sleep because monsters keep creeping into her bedroom. She tried to set traps for them but nothing works. In the end, what made them flee was her being kind, sweet and giving them kisses. My little one finds the kisses part hilarious. But.. What happens when mom is the Monster. A terrifying monster of epic proportions.  I had been sick for a few days. I’d caught whatever my daughter brought home from daycare which was simply a runny nose for her but turned into a hacking, gagging cough and congestion for me.  I could get no relief. None whatsoever.  I didn’t want to eat. I couldn’t really sleep. It all came to a head a few evenings ago.  I coughed so badly that I threw up. My husband has to grab the blankets and things.  I laid my head down on the couch, wet towel on my head to try to feel better. My daughter, not fully...

I used to make these lofty, resolution goals each year. The older I got, the grander my ideas became. That is until I reached the age of 30 and my entire life shifted. At the time, I was divorced, living totally on my own, trying to rebuild myself financially and trying to figure out my next move toward happiness. That was at the time I started this blog.... which started out as my chronicling the dating and mating of a 30 something divorcee' in the South's Largest Metropolis. I was trying to date. I was trying to establish myself financially. And I was trying to find my purpose. So much has changed in the almost 9 years since I started this blog. I've traveled alone. I gained and lost friends. I got into a Ph.D. program. I got re-married. I lost my mother, my best friend.... not to mention my uncle, cousin, and aunt. I gained a sweet baby girl.  I went from getting my bliss.... to trying to balance that bliss with my own life..... Yet in trying to find th...

.. or... better yet..  How I Regained my Sanity. When you think fitness, motherhood doesn't come to mind. from GetBodiedbyJ Instagram I had my daughter almost 2 years ago ( On another note.. I cannot believe she is about to be 2. That is wild to me... ). And I am still shaped like a kangaroo in this bitch! You see the lady I posted above? That was her 8 weeks after having her guts rearranged with a damn C-section. Yet and still...  I am still looking like a flabbier version of her 3 days post- C Section photo. I am not a bad bitch. I am not a MILF. I am just a mom trying to make it. Once I had the baby girl, I was plagued with several health issues. I had super high blood pressure. As a person who loved to eat yet watched what I ate, this was a shock to me. I was overweight when I had her but I wasn't morbidly obese by any means. Before pregnancy, I went to the gym 3 or 4 times a week. I tried walking as often as I could. I increased my water. None ...

It is half-way through October. The landscape is changing. Fall is right around the corner. And I haven't done half the things I said I wanted to do over the summer. I had these grand plans of writing weekly. And here we are... my fist post since September. I should be ashamed of myself. I really should.. Life is passing my by. My grand ideas are just still ideas. Everything I wanted to do, I've only made baby steps toward. Because life and the responsibilities of "adulting" are getting in the way. I have one of those fancy Happy Planners. I am addicted to it. But truth be told, it is way more cathartic for me to just design my weekly spreads than it is to actually put something down in writing. I wanted to write something everyday. But waking up at 5:00 am.. and not getting home until 6 pm everyday takes a toll. Not to mention, having a rambunctious 20 month old. I just want to talk to her. Play with her. Instead, we get into our routine of dinner.. bath.....

*sigh* I am always reluctant to share stories about my kid at work. I do not want to be one of those parents whose posts are ALWAYS about their kids. But what I experienced last week at work makes me realize that even my not-even-2 year old isn't immune from microaggression and that her lesson in  black womanhood will start early. My daughter was sick a week ago. She had roseola and missed almost a week of daycare. But prior to that, she had been enjoying it. I was apprehensive as she had been taken care of by family for well over a year. But I knew the day would come where she would go to daycare. Luckily for me, the daycare is walking distance from my job and I can pop over whenever I wanted to. I happened to come to pick her up pretty early. And I noticed a little boy helping her up as she fell. She was like "Bro, I am good!" and sorta fussed him in that toddler-type of way. And he giggled and backed off. HE was just being a good friend. I soon learned that she and...

Hey Folks! I know.. I have skipped a couple of weeks already! BUT in my defense, having a sick toddler will wear you out... and family really is important. That being said... I've gone through a lot in the past couple of weeks. I've had a physical, which has made me reassess  my life. I have more appointments on the books than I care for just to make sure I am doing ok. I don't want to go into anything as to alarm folks, but I do want to keep on trucking and this is all part of being proactive. I'm still in the gym but not really seeing much progress. I am sure it has something to do with my eating. It isn't that I eat bad.. I just do not eat enough to burn off the fat . I have to meal plan better.. This is where  Pinterest  comes in....I have tons and tons of food options saved. I figure I can do weekly "sheet pan" meals for my meal planning.. and then shop for the week. I normally I am a "once a month" grocery shopper... but I think that...

*I was on vacay so..... there was a pause to the blog last week* My husband and I took a mini-vacay to Savannah and the Georgia Sea Islands (Tybee). It was great. It was also much needed. It was the shot in the arm we needed. No, we aren't troubled. Just tired.  We did a tour like actual tourist. We dipped our toes in the sand. We laughed. We made love. We ate a shit-ton of seafood. We danced. He even kissed me and dipped me under the moonlight in Forsyth Park. He called me his "girlfriend" and we flirted like we were a newly, minted couple. He held my hand and traced the lines down my fingers. He put them between his lips slowly and kissed them. He grabbed my butt in public and didn't care. I rubbed his bald head and didn't mind the beads of sweat. We ordered in greasy take-out and ate it in the bed. We stayed up late. We listened to the music we wanted as loud as we wanted. We didn't care about appearances. I barely wore any makeup. He didn't ...

Let's talk about one of my fav new shows... Insecure! And why I better not ever see anyone over the age of 35 making these mistakes. A little background... Issa Rae is the creator of the show, which has its roots on Youtube in its previous incarnation as Awkward Black Girl. This is totally different though. It is about the love life of Issa and Lawrence... their friends Molly, Chad, Kelly and Tiffany. All while navigating micro-aggressions in the workplace and all around foolishness in South Los Angeles. It's an amazing show with a dope soundtrack and an amazing cast. Last season (SPOILER ALERT ), Issa and Lawrence broke up because Issa cheated. She cheated because she got fed up and bored with Lawrence and his lame penis and his even lamer excuse for not finding stable work. In the end, Lawrence ends up banging the teller at his bank (Tasha) who was flirting with him, coming to his job with titties up to her chin. On top of all of this, Molly and Issa, two BFFs had a ser...

I am at the intersection of "Fuck it All" and "Think This Thing Through"... Oh btw.. this blog is about career and professional goals... (if you don't want to read any further). I do not dislike my job. But it has run its course and served its purpose. I've been serving in an administrative capacity in High Ed for close to 15 years now. It was my first job out of graduate school. And while it wasn't my dream job of junior editor at Random House, it was a job that allowed a steady paycheck, benefits, and had the familiarity of school. If there is one thing i know, it is that I know University and how it works. And I am good at it. I've had promotion after promotion, title changes and bigger offices. But I've grown tired.  The truth is.. I am not living my purpose. And I know my purpose is to write. I am almost 40.. so I keep wondering if it is too late.. but then I remember JK Rowling was 40.. Vera Wang was 40....

What do you talk about when you're out of words?  I committed to write once a week on this blog. And I have done so faithfully since recommitting myself. But what do I write about when words fail me?   I want to travel. I want to take a nice, relaxing trip without the baby and just my husband.. I need to stop shopping. I realize now I shop to fill a void. And It's not like I am going anywhere. Or NEED the things right then and there. But I just often can't resist a sale. And that is reeking havoc on my credit score and debt to income ratio. I can't keep doing that. I seriously need a financial advisor. Straight up Because of said spending. I said I wanted to recommit to myself to a minimalist lifestyle. I dont know how I can do that when SOMETIMES you gotta shop.... But I have to shop for my kid.. because she is growing at an exponential rate. Her shoes are now too small. She needs bigger tops. She needs less bodysuits so she can potty-train. I am just in awe ...