The Ides of Birthdays

Image result for birthday cupcake on desk

My 39th birthday is in two weeks.

*sigh*

You know, I feel like I write the same type of blog around my birthday every year. I get extremely introspective and pensive about the whole thing. But this is my last year of my 30s and I am feeling all of the feelings that have ever and could be felt. I hate trying to bring this up to folks.. who are always wanting to remind you of "well.. you got this.. you got that...". As if you haven't dealt with depression long enough to realize it doesn't matter what you have... if one piece is missing.. it throws it all off.

While yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of my mom's passing, I realized she wouldn't be here for my 40th. That was a hard pill to swallow. I thought for sure we'd be celebrating a lot that year... my Ph.D... a baby... a big, fancy car..... all of that. I only have one of those things so far but still... I was hoping that having her hold on at least until then would be the icing on my cake.

My life feels like it is on pause.. not a total standstill but just on pause. Just until I figure out the direction I want to go. I am trying to not to be at a standstill...I am moving just in super slow motion.

The writing is moving along... just not as fast as I want. I can't seem to know which way to go .. but I know I have to move.

I am losing weight... just not as fast as I'd like or in a way that is altogether healthy

The school thing isn't moving.. but at this point, I don't care... I am not happy and I know school is just a timesuck.

Being more organized... definitely happening at a slow rate

Wrangling my finances... happening but hell... I just need more money.

Everything is just moving like a snail...except my kid. She seems to grow like a weed every single week. Clothes and shoe and more...

I am not sure what this next year of life will bring me. I just want to be alive, sane, healthy and happy. I want to have some work published (that is def a goal of mine). I want to fully enjoy life and be great at it.

..and richer. That always helps if we have more money, eh?

As I look back on the 39 years I've been on earth, I can say I've done OK for myself. I haven't always made the smartest choices but I try to use them as life lessons. I've grown and stretched. But I want to keep stretching. I want to grow. And I know growth has its own levels of discomfort and that is ok.

I wanna go through the pain so I can grow through the pain.

I think 39 is going to be OK.

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